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Bereavement

Should I go ?

(27 Posts)
icbn2802 Fri 12-Jan-18 07:29:11

My best mate lost her brother this week. I knew him as a child; same age as me. But to be honest probably wouldn't have known him from Adam if I passed him in the street. My quandary is, do I go to the funeral ? I don't want to be a hypocrite but neither do I want to appear insensitive? Do I just send a card & flowers (if accepted)
Such a difficult and very sensitive time but I don't want to get it wrong.
Any suggestions......😞

kittylester Fri 12-Jan-18 07:39:55

You might like to go for your friend. I'd send a card to your friend and to his family. I'm there is no need to send flowers unless you'd like to give some to your friend later.

I have a bit of a similar dilemma with my sister in law's mother who is fading in hospital. I will go for sil and DN but not sure what else to do apart from sending cards.

I'm a big believer in sending cards to show you are thinking of someone who is rather more remotely connected.

grumppa Fri 12-Jan-18 07:40:56

Would your best mate welcome your support?

icbn2802 Fri 12-Jan-18 07:51:44

My friend is married, has her mum and children who would all be there; supporting each other. I just feel a bit unsure. I wouldn't want to be in the way or feel out of place. But at the same time I want to show that I do care. I'm such a worrier; just nervous about the idea of doing the wrong thing.

MissAdventure Fri 12-Jan-18 07:53:38

Speaking personally, I was touched by people who attended my relatives funeral when they didn't know her too well. I knew they were there to support me.

kittylester Fri 12-Jan-18 07:54:24

You could go to the service but not the reception?

cornergran Fri 12-Jan-18 07:58:05

I certainly have appreciated the presence of friends at family funerals and so in this situation I would go to the Church/Crematorium. While I wouldn’t send flowers I would add a little to a charity donation if that was the expressed preference. As kitty says a card to show you are aware and are thinking of your friend and her family is very appropriate. Go with your heart and don’t worry too much.

OldMeg Fri 12-Jan-18 07:58:33

Your ‘best mate’s’ brother. Of course you should go.

Jane10 Fri 12-Jan-18 08:12:14

I agree with OldMeg.

icbn2802 Fri 12-Jan-18 08:16:12

Yes!. How stupid of me? Of course I should go........thanks everyone for all your words of wisdom. 😊

OldMeg Fri 12-Jan-18 08:17:53

Not stupid at all. Just in a bit of a tizzy! 🙃

Anniepops Fri 12-Jan-18 08:40:55

She will never forget you were there to support her. My experience of family funerals is that even if the nearest and dearest are very upset on the day and don't seem to be, "taking everything in," they are always told later by others who was there for them. It does bring enormous comfort.

Luckygirl Fri 12-Jan-18 08:45:54

I too think you should go. I have done something similar and know that it was appreciated.

Humbertbear Fri 12-Jan-18 08:55:54

My father taught me that if you want to go, feel you should go, then you go. However we have had a couple of instances in the last year where Friends have chosen to have a very small, close relatives only funeral and have asked us not to attend. I would suggest asking your friend if she would like you there.

Maggiemaybe Fri 12-Jan-18 09:04:02

Unless it's a private funeral, it's a no-brainer. You should go to show support to your friend. Even if you had never met him, this was your friend's brother and she will need you. And definitely a card too.

M0nica Fri 12-Jan-18 09:49:33

Everybody loves a wedding and will always go if a best friend invites them, but you really show how much you care for your friends by being there when they are unhappy.

She is your best mate, her brother has died. Go to the funeral.

eazybee Fri 12-Jan-18 09:52:35

Why would you not go? She will know that you are there and appreciate that you took time to mark the death of her brother, even if you don't have the opportunity to speak to her.

ninathenana Fri 12-Jan-18 09:57:02

No I don't think it's hypocritical for you to attend. My close friend's brother may not be here much longer. I've only met him a couple of times but if the worst happens I will go to the funeral to support her. She has DH and DD but that's all and her brother was a loner so very small funeral.
I feel it will show I care that she is grieving. Just my personal feelings.

glammanana Fri 12-Jan-18 09:58:00

I would certainly go and pay my respects as this man has been part of your childhood memories.
I am going to a funeral next week for an old neighbour who lived opposite us for 20+ yrs with her family her girls where friends with my two eldest,we where not very close but she was always cheerful and there if you needed her so I feel I should go and remember those happy family days yrs ago.

vampirequeen Fri 12-Jan-18 09:59:12

Funerals are nothing to do with the dead person but are about the living. Your friend will feel comforted that you went even if she doesn't say so.

paddyann Fri 12-Jan-18 10:01:55

I would go,not for the person who has died but for my friend.

MawBroon Fri 12-Jan-18 10:14:16

I agree paddyann it is a huge comfort when friends support at a funeral. I was hugely touched by some of DDs’ friends coming to Paw’s funeral from London and further afield, not to mention friends we had not seen for over 25 years.
I was similarly hurt when somebody who has known us since university 50+ years ago, and coincidentally lives only 3 miles away, excused herself by saying she and her OH were “both tied up, doing different things that morning”.
Not sure the “friendship” can come back from that.
So listen to your heart, and go.

mostlyharmless Fri 12-Jan-18 10:23:15

I would say it's important to show support for your best friend.
But I know there are different attitudes to attending funerals in different parts of the country and in different faiths.

Nonnie Fri 12-Jan-18 10:36:19

My son died unexpectedly recently and I was really touched by all my friends who came to the funeral to support me. A few had never even met him. I think you should go.

JackyB Fri 12-Jan-18 11:54:12

Look at it this way - would you have liked him to turn up if it was your funeral?

If you can make it, I agree that you should go. It's up to you if you go along to the wake, that will come out in conversation after the ceremony.