Counselling

Annie you didn't fail your daughter. No-one can prevent a mental illness any more than a physical illness. Be kinder to yourself.

I am sorry for everyone who has suffered loss

I think I may have written about this before, but I read Julia Samuel's book "Grief Works" when my nephew died a few years ago and I wanted to help my sister who was in so much sorrowful pain, he was only 43. I found her book really helpful, she has resources on her website. The title of the book is about "making work of grief" which is what she suggests - making grief work, if that makes sense.

She happens to be Prince George's godmother. She met Diana at a charity function and they just hit it off - she says that on her Desert Island Discs. She is the only NHS Bereavement Counsellor (I think). Here is her website, it includes a section on "What helps":

griefworks.co.uk/

I heard yesterday about a bereavenent organisation called good grief. They helped a friend of my daughter.

I was told you should not have counselling for at leasr 3 months and then told I was depressed by UTI and counselling is no use for that!
I did speak to a counsellor online who said she felt vert sad hearing my story so that made me feel it is ok to be sad.Now my friend's husband has got the same thing my husband had so it is making it come back to me.As w get older this will happen,alas.I do hope you find what you need or come to accept the feelings and struggle on

grannyqueeny

grannyqueenie, I spoke of the two deaths because grief is not just a time of mourning and some counselling , it is different because all deaths are not of the same , it is a path we all have to take but there is more than just the loss of a loved one , it's our own baggage that comes with the loss

Annie please don’t think you failed your much loved daughter. Her illness got in the way, put blinkers on her so to speak, even a mother’s love can’t always get through that barrier, it isn’t that you didn’t show her enough love. Maybe it was more that, at times, she was unable to see it clearly.

Wilma you’re not a fraud, as you say all sorts of things affect the way a loss impacts on any of us. Even 2 siblings in a family will be affected in different ways. The loss of my own dad completely floored me but for various reasons I felt I had to park it on one side to get on with life, supporting my mum, bringing up my children etc. That grief waited patiently and got my attention a few years later when I was older, wiser and a bit more attentive and self aware! If the sadness following a death is devastating for any one of us , that’s just how it is, irrespective of who it is that actually died.

I feel like a bit of fraud really because it is my Dad who died and it was in 1998. I haven't lost my partner or a child. But it was my Dad's death that turned out to be the straw that broke the camel's back and about 6 months after he died I basically had a breakdown. Since then I have battled with depression which is how I ended up seeing counsellors.

One thing I remember about my Dad dying is the unexpected kindness. I haven't received many letters in my life but I received letters from a couple of friends who had also lost a parent, friends I saw quite regularly. After the funeral two colleagues at work came up to me and said that I could come and talk to them any time. It was so comforting that they were kind enough to think of me because they had experienced the same particular loss.

The reason I think this is relevant is because although we all experience grief in a unique way, the relationship between you and the person you lost makes a difference.

Sometimes I say "I can only imagine how you feel.", but when someone loses a child or their life partner I genuinely can't imagine how that would feel because of the strength of the feeling of grief the person must feel.

grannyqueenie your description of a journey with no map does make sense.

I have found people reacted differently to my husbands death which was an accident and my daughters death which was suicide . For me he didn't choose to leave me, my daughter did , so I didn't feel I had failed my husband but I did fail my daughter .

It’s heartening to see lots of sensitive comments, sensible advice and good examples here. I think that, in part, what adds to the distress of any bereavement is how little these things are talked about in everyday life.
I think one of the greatest benefits of counselling is having an emotional space that is just for you. A place to say the “unsayable” without having to worry about either upsetting the other person, being judged by them or them feeling they need to “fix” you. Friends and family, at their best, can offer huge support but sometimes they’re grieving too or as Eglantine’s example shows just don’t “get” it.
I think the early days of bereavement can be a bit like setting off on a journey but with no idea of where it leads, no map either. The truth is that the map would be different for every one of us, although obviously lots of common factors can apply. Finding support wherever we can, including gransnet, is what helps us all navigate difficult times and for many counselling is part of that support too.
Thinking of all with a sore heart this morning. x

appygran, people would say take it one day at a time. What they did not know was that I was doing it by the minute. I would say to myself 'You lived through the last minute, so you can live through the next one."
I don't think I have ever worked as hard at anything as I worked at surviving those first two years.

I am many years down the line and I do have a new life and am happy, but I don't forget what it was like

Hi Maw

Yes people did and do treat me differently. At first they were gentle and considerate but very quickly I felt as if I was expected to be over it and continue as before or they avoid talking about him and I so want to talk about him. He was the most important person in my life. We were together for almost 51 years and married for 49 so he figures in most of my memories. I am not sure if it is because they are afraid they will upset me or he just doesn't figure in their lives anymore or maybe they are afraid I will cry. To avoid this perceived silence around him I have taken to talking to his photograph, it does help a little. Like you because I am coping and not crying all the time people tend to think I am okay, but inside I'm not.

Soon after my husband died my daughter, who was very close to her dad said "I thought you and dad were invincible". She requires a lot of support at the moment and I know my husband would want me to be there for her but I am finding it so very difficult to be invincible alone.

Like eglantine I could list numerous tactless things people have said but I think it often boils down to the fact that they do not know what to say or do. I very quickly learned who I could rely on and who to avoid because they made me feel worse. Just one person has really surprised me, someone who I was not close to before but has turned out to be my closest support. As for our married friends I seem to have disappeared of the face of the earth.

It's strange, bereavement is not like I expected it to be, it is far worse, it is not something I could have ever anticipated. Apart from the emotional side, on a practical level I thought my life would continue on the same path we had both forged together but it is becoming clear that I have to start a new route on my own. I know I can do it but I just need a little more time. My counsellor explained this process as moving on and always feeling the sadness but gradually growing a new life around it so that eventually the sadness takes up a smaller space but always there.

Sorry I am rambling.

Take care of yourself

More like “ex friend” for you

Oh Maw, I could write a book about that one. We probably need a separate thread but I'll just start with the (close) friend who said she couldn't invite me to her dinner parties any more because I would unbalance the table.
But she generously added that we could still meet for lunch in cafes and garden centres.

Slightly off topic but in the same sort of area, how do you feel or have you let about how others treat you when you are bereaved? In the early days it was straightforward but for me as the weeks go on, I wonder to what extent I am expected to (just) get on with things . Not that I don’t want to because this is the rest of my life and I don’t want to act like Queen Victoria in deepest mourning but just because I am not sobbing all over the place, does not mean I am not sobbing inwardly. A trip to the supermarket before Christmas where I swear everybody was a couple and I was painfully aware of my single portions in my trolley, reduced me to tears in the car outside in the car park. Perhaps the Victorians did have the right idea -black for the first six months then grey or whatever as a sign to the outside world to tread gently.

I love them too.

I can share my experiences with you, but the trouble is that I only came to understand what happened to me with hindsight (and counselling).

When someone comes to you for support it's hard not to step right back into the role you've always had, not just because you want to support them, but because it keeps your mind occupied. As they say, hindsight is a wonderful thing.

MissA Thank you. I hope you get your counselling soon. Yes it is good to talk or even type.

wilmaknickersfit Oh how right you are, not only are we exhausted after looking after our partners but then we end up making sure everyone else is okay too. In my case resuming my child minding role two weeks in. In fact it was my counsellor who suggested that it was too much too soon.

Love the Koala bears

One of the ways I didn't help myself was to try and be there for everyone else. If you're usually the coper, the fixer of the family, the one everyone turns to for help, you can end up in a bad place because you put your own mental health before everyone else's. Often it's a natural role for you, but when you're affected by the change, you might not be able to provide that support to others if you don't get the balance right and take care of yourself first.

Maw it's so soon for you and I can imagine every day can bring new feelings. It's easier said than done, but try to be kind to yourself.

One thing for anyone to remember about counselling or therapy as it's often called now, is nobody else needs to know if you decide to see a counsellor and you can be open with them because they do not know you, so you don't have to think about their thoughts, feelings and opinions in the way you might if you were talking to family and friends (especially if they are grieving too) .

There's no limit on the number of people you can turn to for support.

The vast majority of counselling is free or donation based. These services are much in demand and you will not be able to continue if the counsellor does not consider it worthwhile. You only really pay a lot of money if you choose to see a counsellor privately and that can be around £50-£60 per session.

Please do not think the cost would prevent you from accessing counselling services.

Hopefully it will get better Maw. It is very soon on your journey as yet. Women tend to cope so much better than men. Give yourself time. Sending love and hugs.

I wonder how I will feel “ 8 months down the line” - I shall be asking you for advice no doubt.
At the moment, only 10 weeks “in” it is unimaginable.

Sorry appygran MisAdventure is right it is for bereaved parents only. What a shame.

Oh is it? I'll have to look into that I think you may be right.