A “good innings?”

My Gran used to say that about herself! She would have been in her early 80s as she died when she was 84. But thinking about it, she had lived through 2 world wars, bombing, loss of her husband, son and most of her relatives so I guess she felt it was true.
It always difficult to know what to say, but if someone says something in sympathy, then you have to accept it for what it is. Most don't want to be insensitive, but are not sufficiently eloquent.

I can understand what they mean about " someone to do nothing with" as that is what I miss.Someone here when you come back from the shops etc Visitors need " entertaining" unless they are very tactful.I think it's good to be with people but not having to talk much.
I too find people avoid me or I feel they do!

I like having Hattie “to do nothing with”
She snuggles up beside me and apart from the odd whimper if she sees or hears another animal on the TV she is no trouble at all! I can even talk to her without fear of contradiction
It did just give me pause for thought about how we “handle” death
When our baby boy died at 3 weeks, I was that oddity, a mother without a child, desperate to somehow keep him alive in conversation. The wise ones let me talk about the whole pregnancy/birth/baby thing and graduallyI healed. The ones I never wanted to see again were those who entirely avoided the subject “because they didn’t want to upset me”. (As if losing your firstborn isn’t upsetting enough)
I can forgive thoughtlessness but may not forget it (!) but I will certainly think more carefully about what I say to others.

Nonnie it’s hard putting yourself in someone else’s shoes as we all grieve differently. When my son died aged 24 people avoided me because, I imagine, they didn’t know what to say but I would have talked about him happily. . When my bil died I wept buckets at the funeral because that’s the way funerals get me and his ending had been unfair. But his wife and adult kids were anything but sad. They were relieved he wasn’t suffering.

If innings is indicative of a life well lived then my son had a blooming fabulous innings of 24 years unlike an elderly great aunt who was miserable and a misery for most of her 90 years.

People do find it hard to come up with the right words. Really there are none just something from the heart depending on how close you are to the bereaved person. I agree with the poster who said ' don't make vague offers of meeting up' make a firm date for coffee or a drink and give the bereaved person an opportunity to talk about their loss, don't shy away from things.

I think it depends on the age of the person who died, and their quality of life. If they’ve reached late 80s or 90’s and been active till near the end, it might be appropriate to say, though maybe not directly to bereaved person.
Where I live, there’s a phrase people sometimes use when offering sympathy- “I’m sorry for your trouble” .

What do you say that doesn't offend? I would love to know. Being one of those people who (unintentionally) only opens my mouth to put the other foot in it I would genuinely like to know what to do when someone has suffered the loss of a partner or child.

Please maw forgive these foolish people who upset you. I am sure it's not meant. People try to find some word of comfort like "had a good innings" or "at least their not suffering anymore" because most of us haven't a clue what to say. I once said to someone "how are you" to be met with "how do you think!" What upsets one doesn't upset another.
I would love to be able to offer words of comfort but never know what to say.

What to say?
I am so sorry
We shall all miss him/her
Thinking of you and the children
He/she was very special
Let me help in any way I can
Have a glass of wine/cup of tea/coffee

Robert Burns wrote this epitaph to a friend.
I read it at my father’s funeral and the words meant a lot to me
An honest man here lies at rest
As e’er God with his image blest.
The friend of man, the friend of truth
The friend of age, and guide of youth
Few hearts like his, with virtue warm'd
Few heads with knowledge so inform'd
If there's another world, he lives in bliss
If there is none, he made the best of this

When Paw died, the word I found most comforting were when people described him as a “gentle man and a gentleman”, or said “ we will all miss him”.

Between the death and funeral of her husband a friend, of ours was asked 1) if she would be selling the big car and buying a small one and2) it was supposed she would now be selling her (big and beautiful) house to move into her DF's sheltered flat (her DF had just gone into a care home). She was in her early 60s.

Some are just clueless.
M0nica's post reminded me of a conversation I had with a neighbour when my friend's H died last May.
She asked if she would be selling her much loved 4 bedroomed house as it would be " much too large for her now"
I think they were interested for a family member.

When my father died, just two weeks from diagnosis, someone asked me how old he was. I said that my father was 74 and the reply was " well he wasn't young he'd had his life " It felt as though she was dismissing my grief.
I will try to think carefully and hope not to upset anyone with a similar statement.

It seems anything we say can upset, and saying nothing does too, so perhaps just sticking to the old platitudes is the kindest and safest option. Like Crafting, I have had a sincerely asked “How are you?” met with “How do you think I am?”, so I don’t think that’s the answer.

When I was clearing my father’s house after he died a neighbour of his came over to say he wanted to buy it (the reason being that he had a disabled wife, and my father's house, unlike his, was a bungalow).

For some reason I felt offended by this - my father had only just died and the house wasn’t yet even on the market - and didn’t agree. It went on the books of a local estate agent, and the neighbour didn’t get it. The neighbour had made it clear for some time that he would like to buy it, and I felt he was like a vulture hovering over us waiting for my father, who was in his nineties, to die.

I still feel quite guilty about this. The house would have been very useful to this man. It was silly of me to be so touchy about it.

I asked my SIL "How are you?" when her OH was dying and got the response "How do you think I f***ing am?!" - it was a genuine question on my part trying to see what I could do best to help her; how she was coping.

It is sometimes hard to find the right words - some people might like one approach, some another. I always think that, unless it is something totally crass (as some of the examples above) it is probably best to assume it is well meant - better than being ignored I guess.

Its so difficult, the trouble is people don't realise its best to say nothing unless its required. A kindly squeeze of the hand or a knowing look is worth much more than words sometimes.

I would never qualify my condolences. If the bereaved person started doing it, then I would follow their lead, but still tread carefully.

When my Dad died some people assumed my Step-Mum would move back to where her family lived. She didn't say so to their faces, but she asked me why on earth people would think she'd want to leave the home she had shared with my Dad.

I actually thought that in time she would move back to be near her family because she was driving back and forwards once a week to baby sit. As it turns out she now has her son and granddaughter living with her. She's made great improvements to the house and her life does still revolve around her family. Now though, that suits her and that's what matters.

I hadn't seen this thread but was thinking about those very words today A good innings and what kind of age it would mean.

Just saying how sorry you are at first, but a few weeks on even suggesting lunch could be too soon, and saying 'we'll go out for lunch when you feel like it' could be seen as not meaning it.

At first there will be extreme sorrow but then perhaps some anger because, unless someone is very old, the bereaved partner will feel cheated of all those extra years of love and companionship.

In my experience women in fact cope better than many men, who often seem to need to find another partner fairly quickly.

I hope this post doesn't upset you Maw

She snuggles up beside me and apart from the odd whimper if she sees or hears another animal on the TV she is no trouble at all!
Did she enjoy the programme about the Big Cats?

Fascinated by it! Kept looking behind the TV to see where they had gone!

I remember meeting up with my soon to be ex h 13 years ago now. He had walked out on me two weeks previously ( unknown to me then he had been seeing someone else for a considerable amount of time). My mother had just died days before meeting him and I was convinced he would want to come home and comfort us all. Instead I was told," Well, she had a good long life." I remember feeling angry, mortified, confused all at the same time. My mother had outlived my dad and 4 of her children, two babies plus a 13 and 35 year old. The grief I felt was overwhelming and that was the sympathy I got upon the death of this very brave lady who had been a loving MIL to him. At the time I was such a mess, but yet to realise that I had inherited her strength and courage. That man is now history to me, and his wife ( the affair partner) is welcome to his kind sympathetic nature.

I am in my early seventies and think I have had a good innings. If we have done lots of things, fulfilled some of our wishes and been kind to others, what more can we wish for?

The Big Cats are a manageable size on the tv!

Morgana
a bit longer please, if that is possible.

I echo Morgana. I am nearly 78 and feel I have had a very good innings. Anything over 70 is a bonus as far as I’m concerned. I have no desire to live a very long time, getting more and more decrepit and dependent on others.

I’ve done just about everything I wanted to, have lovely children and grandchildren, no dependents. I still have a brain that works, more or less. My life feels complete.

Most people find it quite hard to know what to say to someone who is bereaved - no matter how well intentioned we are, it can be a bit of a minefield to choose the right words. The fact is, none of them are the right ones, are they?
I'm sure your friend meant well Maw, but I can so understand your reaction. I think many of us, having read through this thread, will be a bit more considered in our sympathetic words in future. So thanks for bringing this up, many of the posts here have certainly given me pause, and hopefully I will remember them when faced with a similar situation in the future.