A “good innings?”

Thank you maw for answering a question honestly asked.

Interestingly at my DB funeral earlier this week the most common things said were, he was a lovely man, a true gentleman. It was a comfort.

I will try in future to think what to say and hope I don't make any trite comments.

I think the comment is kindly meant but poorly expressed when things are still so new for you in your bereavement.

Sometimes it's easy to write a note of comfort and find the right words, but not so easy when you see someone. If you know someone well then a hug could be in order but otherwise best just say how sorry you were to hear the news and see how the conversation progresses, if at all.

I would only use such an expression as a good innings about someone who was at least in their late 80s and had a reasonably active life. Paw must have had had a lot of restrictions in more recent years because of his health issues. Not an appropriate remark.

There are situations where sending someone a virtual hug message is better than a whole lot of innapropriate words.

most people are very bad at expressing sympathy,I know when my baby died I had comments like ,well at least you know you can have children some poor girls cant have any,and the next one will be a boy and the most common ,your young you can have another ...then there were folk who dived in shop doorways to avoid me.I did learn from it though and always make sure to act sensitively and think before I speak when I meet a bereaved aquaintance,friends is simpler ,a hug helps and even crying with them at times when I've known the person they've lost.People just need to know someone cares.One person who did help was a girl who had been in hospital who handed me HER baby for a cuddle ...she knew what empty arms felt like when you walk out a maternity ward without the baby you thought you'd take home .I always appreciated her gesture more than she realised .

I like the phrase "no one to do nothing with". I think it expresses the ease of a long and successful relationship very well. I cannot believe anyone would say such a thing unkindly. Nor the one about a good innings. I suspect that in a raw state of grief almost any trite expression can seem abrasive however kindly meant. It's the nature of the beast, (the beast being grief).

I think your sensitivity is perfectly natural, maw

My husband died 15 months ago, aged 68, so this thread has prompted a few thoughts:

A cousin, also a widow, sent me that quote in full, "I have plenty of people to do things with, but no one to do nothing with." It's one that makes many widowed people go "Yes, yes!". So true.

As for what to say - well, almost anything is better than nothing. For me, the most helpful things were kind and fond recollections of my husband, and gentle enquiries about how I was feeling. I think the comments such as "a good innings", or "at least it was quick" (if it was) etc should be left to the bereaved person -they can introduce these postive thoughts, but it can be hurtful if others do so when the bereaved person is just needing to express their pain. Don't try to minimise their loss.

I have really appreciated it when friends who are still couples have continued to include me in events and activities, inviting me out for a drink, a meal, a walk, etc. Having someone to go shopping with can be helpful in the early days, when crowded places can freak you out.

And if someone loses a spouse, DON'T compare it to when you lost a parent or even a sibling, and certainly not to the death of a dog or cat! Most people who are widowed will already have lost one or both parents, and the loss of a husband or wife really is something quite different, much more intense, and not the same at all.

I have been out this evening with a friend widowed in May.
Her H who worked until the evening before he died and had a massive stroke, dying in hours, was fit and well aged 75.
She got, "what a blessing it was so quick and at least he didn't suffer".
The poor family left suffered greatly, at 9am they had a husband ,father and grandfather, planning his day.

I was called on and had a meaningful conversation with him until he suddenly went into unconsciousness never to recover.
What words can cover that situation, none actually.

Absolutely grannyticktock I agree with every word.

Spot on grannyticktock

My DH died suddenly last May at 69.

I was very sensitive to comments or slights in the first few weeks. No it's not quite so raw, I don't allow myself to get too upset.

The response I found most insensitive is when his cousin rang after 7 months silence saying "I meant to pop in, or ask if you wanted to walk when I passed your house, but Jeff ( her husband) has problems with his waterworks and needs to go to the loo quite often"

I responded by saying: "well, I do have 2 toilets". I don't think she'll bother to contact in the future and I'm quite relieved!

Maw, just be thankful for the friends that are in constant touch and keep them close.

Thinking of you at this time.. it's a journey we don't want to take. Much worse than losing my parents

We have a widowed friend who tells me that DH and I are the only couple who treat her in the same way we have always done by including her in activities and invitations and also talking about her DH. It has made me realise just how important all that is.

Posted before I intended to! Maw I don't think any of us will ever get it right but most of us do try to do so. When it is so raw everything hurts!

It’s so easy to say the wrong thing, sometimes through crass thoughtlessness or maybe just a clumsiness in expressing ourselves. Other times trying so hard to get it right that we manage to get it absolutely wrong. To my shame I’ve probaby done all of those at some point along the line and been on the receiving end of a fair few too. Hopefully I’m learning to be more sensitive as the years go on. The trouble is that most bereaved people just want that person back and there is nothing anyone can say that can change the
reality and enormity of their loss.

When my father in law died aged 94 a work colleague wrote to my dh saying something along the lines of “everyone will say he was a good age. Pay no attention to any of that, he was your dad and you knew him a long time. You will miss him enormously and of course you’ll be be sad that he’s no longer with you”. It was the nicest thing anyone could have said and was so appreciated.
Thinking of all who have sad hearts x

Personally, I would have found the words in the email that upset Mawbroon showed deep understanding, but I have learnt by bitter experience that what one person writes or says and another person hears are so often very different.

Just after our DM died my sister made a remark to me that struck me as so crass and unkind, I couldn't immediately reply, which was a good thing, because when I gave it a few minutes thought I realised that what she said and what I had understood her to say were two entirely different things.

We were both approaching the conversation we were having from slightly different angles and a remark that was totally innocuous from her angle, was deeply upsetting from mine. Thankfully I realised the dichotomy before I said anything. I have never told my DS about it because she would be deeply upset that I could have thought, even momentarily, that she could have said what I thought she said.

I can’t decide which is worse? Those who avoid conversation because they don’t know what to say and fear saying the wrong thing, or the people who try but nevertheless get it wrong. So many posts here, all very recognisable, but no clear ‘one response does the trick’. It’s a minefield isn’t it!

Reading this makes me think I’ve been quite lucky as nobody has said anything but kind things to me after the deaths of my husband and two sisters.

When Mum died, the girl who did my nails remarked (rather insensitively) “Oh well, we all have to die”. I chose not to be offended by it.

It really doesn't matter if a person is very old when they die. It is insensitive, I think, to speak of a "good innings". It may well be that a person has lived longer than the norm but if you have loved that person for many years you will miss them and such platitudes, though often kindly meant, are not much comfort and sometimes cause hurt.

It is also difficult if you have a belief in God to know quite how to approach people when you don't know if they believe or not. I tend to err on the side of caution or say would you mind if I pray for you (I tend to pray anyway but not always mention it) if I think they may believe as that may prompt some reaction. I think loss of a partner or child is so great that unless you have suffered such grief yourself then we don't really know what to say. Certainly coming in with comments like "when my mum died or dog or auntie" is not the same at all. Most of us have lost parents many beloved pets but to lose your soulmate or your child is what most of us dread so much we don't know how to talk to others who have such suffering.

I think the easiest thing to say is 'I am sorry I do not know what to say'. There was a discussion this week, I think on Women's Hour, talking to people with a cancer diagnosis and they said that that was one of their preferred responses.

Firtsly, I am so sorry to read of your loss, I don’t think any words really help, but people mean well , I think it’s better than those who cross the street for fear of upsetting someone who is bereaved. I have found it is mostly older people who use these frases, my Dad always use to say that the older you get the more you realise that
‘you can’t have two full moons in one day’ or ‘were getting near the finish line ‘ . He found a way of making the inevitable a bit more acceptable & bearable.

It is difficult to know what to say but for me one of the worst things is a promise to keep in touch or visit that is never fulfilled. I had a very traumatic time, for a number of reasons, after my DH died but now things are settling down I realise how few people have actually kept in touch unless I am the one instigating the contact.

I am not religious but I did expect the vicar of our parish to call on me to offer his condolences. But no not a word in the three weeks between my daughter's death and her funeral not a sight of him and we are a well known family in our village and he knows me well. He presided over the funeral which my SIL had organised and which was the sort of service my daughter expressly wished not to have. (He did not allow me to have any input at all). At the wake the vicar came up to me and said 'Oh and how are you?) my reply was 'surprised, surprised that you did not call on me as a parishioner of this parish' His reply was (and with a mouthful of food) 'Well you know how it is I have been up to my eyeballs in it' and that was it and he went off and continued with his food. That to me was so upsetting and I did write him a letter to that effect. Of course I got no response. Most people though have been very thoughtful in their comments. To be honest I have mostly said to bereaved people. 'You can take comfort that he/she is not now in any pain but I don't really know if that is the right thing to say.

After my mother was widowed, and heavily pregnant with me, the district nurse who was well meaning, if a bit brisk, told her that, 'The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away, blessed be the name of the Lord'! I don't know what her reply was as she never did tell me, but I do know that she wasn't, at that moment in time, very enamoured with the Lord!!!