Children going to funeral

I think the "cross" feeling relates to the idea that somehow the funeral makes the death real, when for many here, who lost the partners when their children were young, nothing was needed to make it real for the children - they were living that reality hour by hour.

Thankfully I have never been in that situation, but I do see where they are coming from.

In the instance with the OP, I do think that if this lass has asked to go then she should be allowed to and should have some small role in the proceedings. But I do think that her parents should be the ones to make the decision.

In the end we all have to do what we feel is right and I would say that by 11 years, allow children to have some choice! I'm not sure why people feel cross ...whatever ones decision is hopefully right for that person! A different decision for someone else isn't wrong, just different and hopefully right for them. As an 11 year old the decision to stop me going to my Nannys funeral, was wrong, though well meant. For someone else it would have been the right decision. Bereavement is so hard, and we all do the best we can, I suppose.

It is good to have Anniebach’s perspective on a similar situation to mine. I think there is probably a big difference for young children between a parent’s funeral and a grandparent’s. Not many people have experience if the former, but most people do of the latter. I know it was right for my children not to go to their father’s funeral. It would undoubtedly have added to their unhappiness, and to everyone else’s.

My daughters were 5 and 7 when their father died, I can understand Grandma70 saying some replies made her cross, my daughters didn't go to their fathers funeral, I could not have coped with comforting them when I was in bits myself and I certaintly would not have found their presence comforting for me , I needed my father . To say this decision was erroneous is unfair . Those who take little ones to a parents funeral are doing what they choose, those who do not are doing what they choose , I took my daughters to the grave sometime after the funeral, just the three of us .

varian I have something in my eye - how beautiful

I think the whole idea of funerals makes me cross, MawBroon! I really don’t know what they are for. Now I know there is no need to have one, I have told my children to go out for a meal, if they want to, instead.

I haven’t got round to donating my body for research, but I really must. At least that way you do some good and the body is some use. All the rest of my family, and many of my friends, have done it. I think I’ve just been lazy about it.

My DD attended my mother’s funeral when she was just 7 and it was a good decision. More recently my 9 year old GS asked and was allowed to attend his other grandmother’s funeral. Again it seems that was the right thing to do.

When my Mum died at the age of 96 all of her grandchildren went to the funeral and six of her great grandchildren, aged between three and ten.

They all knew and loved their Great-granny and I think it was important for them to be there. After they had listened to the eulogy which told her story, there was a time for reflection,listening to a special piece of music accompanied by a slide show of photos of her throughout her life, in chronological order, showing many happy times.

A month or so later two of the great grandchildren saw a little bird die in their garden and decided to hold a funeral. They got a carboard box to use as a coffin, decorated it with flowers, made order of service cards and set out a row of chairs in the garden. Their friends who had come to play joined them. They played some music and one of them conducted the ceremony, talking about the little bird, what a nice life it had, then buried it with great reverence. One of the other children was only five and her Mum said what a lovely, gentle introduction to the concept of death it had been for her.

I think if she wants to go then she should be allowed to. My DGS aged 8 walked holding my hand into church for my husband’s funeral last year. It was a great comfort to me. He was very close to his Grandad and it seemed entirely appropriate for him to be there.

Hopefully funerals are a celebration of a life. Children need to come to terms with death and in my opinion should be allowed to funerals especially if they wish to attend. It makes death more scary to kids if they are excluded. It also acknowledges that the children are an important part of the family and a funeral is the chance for everyone to say goodbye

I don’t see why anybody should “get cross” at the opinions expressed here.
If the girl wants to be there, surely at 11 she can be allowed to make up her own mind?
I will accept that parents are the best judge of tinies, bearing in mind they will be doing their own grieving, but I just know that I felt strengthened by the support of the whole family who had known and loved their father and grandfather and I don’t believe for a moment they have been emotionally scarred by what was in fact a beautiful service which celebrated Paw’s life.

I think that an eleven year old should go to the funeral, if she had expressed a wish not to attend I would respect that too, your mother will understand that she wants to say goodbye to grandad and be there for her mom and grandmother. Sorry for your loss, still miss my lovely dad, now I remember all the good times.

Some of these replies make me a bit cross. Children like mine whose father died young are not ‘shielded from the realities of death’ if they don’t go to their father's funeral. It is all too real to them. A funeral is just an extra trauma, unnecessary in my view and in theirs.

My grandfather died when I was aboutt 14 or 15. He had lived with us for some years and died in our house. We were very close. I had no desire to go to his funeral, and was relieved when it was decided I was needed to babysit my little cousin during the funeral instead. I didn't need any ‘closure’. I knew he was dead. To be honest, I think the idea of ‘ closure’ is claptrap. Nothing is closed just because there has been a ceremony.

My father left his body to medical research, so there was no funeral. We had a family lunch, and it was so much better than the meaningless ritual we had for my mother, who had also left her body for research but it wasn’t needed at the time. My 12-year-old nephew had to come to that, because there was nobody to leave him with. He hated every minute.

That said, if an 11-year-old wants to go I think she should be allowed to, though i wouldn’t be happy about it.

When my dad died I let my kids (12 & 10) decide for themselves whether to go with me to his funeral. They both decided they didn't want to. It would have been fine if they'd decided to come.

I was 11 when my Nanny died, and not allowed to attend her funeral. I was very sad and upset at being kept away and have never forgotten it

Listen to your mum's viewpoint , tell her you understand her but that you feel it is very import an that your daughter be allows to grieve properly, that the funeral and "saying goodbye" is part of that process, that she cannot be shielded from the realities of life and death, that she wants to go and must be allows to make the choice, that you have decided she can go and that you can all support each other ...fhen if your mum keeps worrying about it just say I've heard you mum, I understand. * is coming. So sorry , this is hard.

My two little GDs, 5 and 3, have just been to their daddy’s aunt’s funeral. They didn’t go to the burial. I think an 11 year old should be encouraged to go, especially as that’s what she’d like to,do.

its not "fashionable"Grandma70's its always been that way for many families ,its just been confirmed for us that its better for children to be allowed to attend the funerals of close family than to be sheltered from reality by keeping them away .Our GC are very matter of fact about death,its part of life so thats how it should be

It is fashionable to take children to funerals now. I suppose she should be allowed to go if she has asked to, but I would discourage it myself. Make sure she knows what is involved.

My children, then aged nine and six, did not go to their father’s funeral. After reading recently that it is better that children do go, I asked them what they had felt at the time and since. (They are in their forties now).They both said that they had never really thought about it at all, but just taken it for granted that children didn’t go.

They weren’t sheltered from the death, obviously. They lived with it every day of their lives. There was no need for them to witness a funeral. I suppose it depends whether you have religious beliefs or not. We didn’t. These days I wouldn’t have a funeral at all, but then I thought one had to.

Oh yes - she must be allowed to go. The stark reality of death is hard for everyone, old or young, but she will not be helped by sheltering her from it - she needs to see how it is dealt with, how family and friends support each other, and how the person who has died is loved by so many who come to the service.

As long as your granddaughter is OK about it, then I think she should be there. You could perhaps give her a role in the ceremony: we had a large candle that was lit by one grandchild at the start of the ceremony, and blown out by another at the end. It will help her come to terms with the fact that his life has come to an end.

I think it is totally appropriate for her to go at 11. I think it is good for children to learn about these aspects of life - although it is good if someone explains what is going to happen in advance in an age appropriate way

I never had the option of leaving my kids at home as we lived abroad. DDs attended my Dad's funeral at 4 and 2 and MIL's funeral at 5 and 3.

I’m sorry for your loss colournanny. Our two were 9 and 7 when their grandmother died. A long while ago now. Recommendation back then was for children not to attend what was a very long, very formal funeral. They still tell me they would rather have been there and we should have listened to them. I wish we had. It would be a shame if you and your Mum had the same regrets. I hope the day goes as well as it can.

DGCs not DGDs

My DGDs aged 7,6 and 3 were at Paw’s funeral but did not come to the interment. This was entirely at their parents’ discretion and I was glad they were all there. The youngest (18months) was not there as it would have been hard to cope with him as all three DDs read at the service.

I have to say the 7 year old was the most affected and cried quietly throughout most of it but I still think he would have wanted to be there.
11 is plenty old enough to be there.

Bless her - her being there will be a comfort to you all - I bet your dad loved her to bits and she will carry that love with her for the rest of her life