Children going to funeral

Most definitely she should go. By 7 children have an understanding of the permanency of death, and loss. Explain to your Mum that she needs to go, even if it upsets her, as part of the grieving process. It will help her. She has to understand death as a part of life, and learn to grieve. At 14 I was not allowed to go to my grandfathers funeral and I never forgave my parents

I’m so sorry for your loss and I also feel that if your daughter wants to go to the funeral then she should be able to go, however, your DM has said No. and I think that her wishes must be listened to, if you could persuade her to allow your daughter to go then fine, but if she is adamant that your daughter stays away then I think you have to listen to your DM on this one.

I took my 13yr old and 6yr old to the funeral of my very elderly great aunt. I think this was a good idea, particularly as one of them lost a friend soon after. The funeral of a child with cancer is a horrible experience, and of course they wanted to go.

I think children, if old enough to understand, can attend a funeral. My neighbours GC attended and they even had the body at home before the funeral. They brought the children to the house for a sleepover the night before.

Colournanny - my sincere condolences on your loss. I'm glad your Mum is supportive of other family member needs to do what they feel is right at such a difficult time.

We're still recovering from our DGD's insistence (age 6) that she visit our cat at the Vet's before he was put to sleep. Apparently she had been told the cat was very sick and that he was going to go to sleep and not wake up. And she replied that her Father's grandmother had died in her sleep. Then she asked to say goodbye.

I'm afraid that we were very conflicted indeed, and protested, but DGD was most firm. DD tried very hard to dissuade her, before taking her over for a brief visit and we are very proud of DD for this decision.

I realise this might seem very trivial compared with the loss of a family member. My point is that children appreciate when their family try their best to listen respectfully and then make the best decision that they can for all concerned.

I hope it goes well, colournanny, and my condolences on your loss. All my DGC bar the youngest came to my DH’s funeral. The youngest was only 2 and was likely to shout out or try to climb on the coffin. They came to the wake afterwards so were included. It felt right to me that they were there, we had been in their lives since their birth, they were there at the end for their grandad.

Hope all goes well too. I don't think young children have the same feelings about death as adults, so won't be so upset.
Unless they're extremely sensitive.
It would more hurtful and worrying for them if they were not allowed to be there.

Thanks for letting us know. I hope all goes well.

I hope all goes as well as can be expected.

Thanku all for ur messages. Mum has come around to the fact that my dgd wants to say goodbye to her grandad
My daughter will explain to her what is going to happen & someone will take her outside if need b
Thanku again

When my daughter passed away we asked her children aged 7 and 5 if they wanted to come. They were fully informed of what was going to happen. The 7 year old said he definitely did not want to come but the 5 year old said she did. When asked why she said she wanted to say goodbye to mummy. The 7 year old then said to her 'dont be silly you cant say goodbye to mummy she will be in a box'. My granddaughter became distraught, In the end they just attended the wake which to them was a 'party'. I think it really is down to the individual child and how mature they are. Personally I think my grandchildren were right to just attend the wake they were just too young for the actual funeral.

When my MiL died, my DC's were 13 and 15, I gave them the choice, my then 13 year old DS chose not to come, 15 year old DD came. When FiL died 7 years later, they were both there. If she wants to go, let her.

She should be allowed to go. My GD was well under 10 when my mum died and she asked to read a poem - a very short one - and did it beautifully.
Funerals are part of life and if a child wants to go why not? We explained what would happen and it all worked out well.
I personally found it comforting. She helped out at the 'tea party' afterwards too - again her choice.

If you feel she should then allow her to, Children vary so much with how they see things, could be she feels she needs to say a loving goodbye to her grandfather this way.

My eldest DGD is quite emotional and unsure of herself and really likes and desires a silver charm necklace I wear much of the time. I've told her she can have it when I'm dead. When she fingers it now I just say "Nope, I'm not dead yet!" We've agreed it'll become an heirloom and one day she'll pass it on to her DGD. It seems to have given her a sense of time, confidence and her place in the scheme of things.

After all it is her grandad, she must know that one day her grandparents will die, she's 11 and at that age these days they know that.
I show my GDs my jewellery and talk about what they would like when I'm gone. They try my rings on.
Its different when a young person dies or is killed, the funeral can be overwhelmingly sad but I would always let a young person attend who said they wanted to.

I remember being very angry at 14 that my father didn't allow me to go to my grandmothers funeral when my cousin who was 12 had been allowed to go because it was my aunts opinion that she could. When my 4 year old son died both his sisters at 8 and 15 months went to the funeral. Obviously the baby didn't understand what was going on and wave and smiled at people she recognised. My 8 year old fully understood that her brother had died from his illness ( leukaemia) because his treatment hadn't worked. She was part of that treatment as she donated bone marrow for him. She wanted to say goodbye to him he was too ill for her to see him at the hospital. Our whole family grieved for him and the girls were an important part of that family

I agree that they were too young Anniebach and going to the funeral would not have been a useful part of the grieving process for them.
Who can forget the sight of the Kennedy children at their father's funeral and that tiny boy saluting? It was heartbreaking for us but I doubt that he knew what was happening.

However, I do think that a child of 11 has reached an understanding of what funerals are all about and should be allowed to go if she wishes to.

Thank you Nfk, they were too small, 5 and 2 weeks gone 7, i have never regretted not taking them. They were not going to be paraded for the town and the press , I don't care what experts ! say, I knew those little girls and I knew they needed longer than four days for it even to register with them.

It's a decision for each parent to make, they know their child.

Definitely let her go. I have worked with bereaved children for many years. Many who weren't allowed to go were angry and upset because they didn't go. No child I've spoken to who did go regretted going. Children are part of a family, you wouldn't tell an adult they couldn't go would you. Children grieve just as badly as adults

I would imagine Annie that coping with holding yourself together would have been enough without coping with the distress of your DC as well. A terrible time for all of you and your DDs must still have been in shock at the suddenness of it all without having to face the funeral too. I certainly would have discouraged them from coming.

This child is 11 and wants to attend but I wonder, Colournanny says her DM doesn't now want her DD to come to the funeral, could it be that her DM can't cope with the thought of her young DGD being there and seeing her vulnerable and upset?

Thankyou "Anniebach" now I understand your comment about funerals.

I think she should go but that you should be prepared to take her away at some point during the wake depending on how that goes.

It is not the same but I was 14 when my brother died abroad and in those days they didn't fly the body home. I don't think I ever really accepted that he was dead until many years after when I went to his grave and bawled my eyes out as if he had just died.

Madgran, i was responding to posts which declared the right/wrong way to conduct funerals . Comparing children attending a grandparents funeral or a cousins funeral with children attending a parents funeral when the death is totally unexpected , no time to ease children into the loss, my little ones went to bed said good night daddy see you tomorrow, next morning I had to tell them they would never see him again. Because their father was in the force we didn't tell little ones Daddy may or may not come home every time he left for work. He and I knew it, tell little one's so they live with this fear every day ? No way

I think it should be the child’s decision with parental guidance, with allowance for last minute changes of heart. Some children, and some adults too, can’t face the funeral whilst some want to be there. Our lot wanted to be included. Their decision, no problem. Had they not had each other the situation may have been different. Had there been really emotional eulogies it may have been different. It depends so much on the child and the situation.