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Help p!ease

(84 Posts)
Blue45Sapphire Fri 09-Mar-18 17:49:46

My DH died last week. How do I cope at his funeral? I feel sick at the thought of it.

silverlining48 Fri 09-Mar-18 17:53:53

I am so sorry blue. I hope you have family a nd friends who will support you at this difficult time. Tell them how you feel. They will understand. A step at a time. Take care.

midgey Fri 09-Mar-18 17:55:48

flowers Sorry to hear of your loss.

MissAdventure Fri 09-Mar-18 18:16:07

sapphire Its awful having a funeral looming over you, but you can cope with it, I'm sure, and you will want it to be a good day to remember your husband. That will help you, although it is very hard.
I thought I may be physically sick on the day of my daughters' funeral, or fall to the ground weeping, but I got through it, and you will too. flowers

MawBroon Fri 09-Mar-18 18:21:13

My heartfelt condolences, my dear. My DH died last November and his funeral (a Requiem Mass and burial) weren’t for 3 weeks for a variety of reasons.
This gave me the opportunity to plan a lot of family input into the service, 3 sons in law were pall bearers, 3daughters each did a reading, a family friend did the eulogy and I waited for inspiration for the music, choosing hymns and incidental music which meant a lot to us.
I think that helped.
I hope your family and friends will be be supportive and share your burden, but if I may say two more things
1This is YOUR family’s farewell, so do whatever feels right to you, don’t be steamrollered into any aspect of the service that you have not chosen
And 2 You will cope. Something will click in and even if the tears run non stop that is your prerogative as his life partner.
There will be better days and believe it or not, there will be worse.
I just kept the thought firmly in my head that Paw was NOT in that box, but in our hearts, in our children and in our grandchildren. I walk up to his grave in our village churchyard most days and I talk to him and I cry. Sometimes I sob my heart out, everything is “allowed”
I wish you strength and comfort in the days, weeks and months (even years) to come flowers

appygran Fri 09-Mar-18 18:27:59

sapphire sorry for you loss. You will find the strength from somewhere, we all do. Call on all the support you can muster from friends and family. I found the numbness saw me through it. Take care.

MissAdventure Fri 09-Mar-18 18:31:02

I was going to mention the numbness too. For me it was a blessing.

cornergran Fri 09-Mar-18 18:39:01

I’m so sorry for you loss sapphire. Please listen to maw when she reminds you, and all of us that it is your family’s farewell and so you can choose the style and detail. Do accept all the help that is offered, ask for what you need and yes, you will cope. Look after yourself, sending love.

BlueBelle Fri 09-Mar-18 18:39:11

Dear Sapphire I hope you find the strength you need, take care, take what help is offered and talk and cry as much as you need

grannyactivist Fri 09-Mar-18 19:10:55

Hello Sapphire, I'm so sorry for your loss. There is good advice here and I can only add that one day you will look back and find that you did get through the funeral, because somehow we all find a way of doing things that are unimaginable before we do them. flowers

bikergran Fri 09-Mar-18 20:04:54

Sapphire somehow something takes over our mind at times like these, I don't know what or how but it does and we sort of glide through it. It is only later when we think as others have said..we think "how did I get through it"

Take care and keep posting.

rascal Fri 09-Mar-18 20:18:28

I am so sorry for your loss. Try to take a day at a time and don't think ahead. The numbness helped me to get through my dear husband's funeral. I don't know how my family and I got through it but we did. Take care. My best wishes to you and your family. flowers

GrandmaMoira Fri 09-Mar-18 20:32:34

I'm sorry for your loss. You will be with your family and friends and will get through it, though as a widow myself I know it is very difficult.

callgirl1 Fri 09-Mar-18 21:02:43

So sorry for your loss Sapphire. My husband died 17 months ago, but my family helped me to cope and get through it all. It will be difficult of course, but you will cope.

OldMeg Fri 09-Mar-18 21:40:39

Sapphire flowers

nanaK54 Fri 09-Mar-18 21:48:00

So sorry for your loss flowers great advice already given

Blue45Sapphire Fri 09-Mar-18 21:52:10

Thank you. I am very lucky in that my brother is a retired priest and is taking the service. I have chosen the music and the hymn and he has suggested the bible reading, so I am getting exactly what I want, which the family are happy with. Together we have put together the order of service. What I'm worried about is my emotional state on the day. I'm worried about feeling (and being) sick, having a panic attack and all that sort of thing. I so dearly want to give him a good send off. My GP has prescribed a sherry before we go, because I told her I would be first at the bar when we get to the venue afterwards! I know that once the service is over I shall feel better, and I have the support of so many people.

Anniebach Fri 09-Mar-18 22:02:13

You won't be sick, you will get through the day but cope in the way which suits you, if you cry you cry, if you want to sit whilst others stand then sit, there are no rules to adhere to.

I went to the church the night before my husbands funeral, just the priest and me, I sat by the coffin and said aloud all I wanted to say, to God and to my husband .

I am so deeply sorry , x

MawBroon Fri 09-Mar-18 22:56:07

Sapphire mine was a small brandy before the hearse arrived and a very large one (or three) after we got to the wake.
I do look back and think that was a lovely service, we did him proud flowers

Bathsheba Fri 09-Mar-18 23:20:26

Sapphire I am so very sorry for your loss. flowers

Jane10 Sat 10-Mar-18 07:21:48

Oh sapphire. I'm so sorry for you. This is a sad, strange time between times. It sounds like you have planned a lovely service. I'm sure you will get through it somehow. You will be surrounded by good wishes including from those of us here on GN who will be with you mentally on the day. We'll be looking out for your posts over the next wee while. flowerssadsunshine

Willow500 Sat 10-Mar-18 07:35:22

Sapphire I'm so very sorry for your loss. I'm sure what you have planned will be a wonderful tribute to your dear husband and that you will get through the day with the help of your family and friends especially your brother. flowers

Blue45Sapphire Sat 10-Mar-18 13:09:52

Thank you so very much everyone. I was having a really bad day yesterday. I had to go into town yesterday for the first time since he died, and needed a couple of things from M&S. I had a coffee and suddenly for the first time in my life I had what I think was a panic attack, my heart was racing. I couldn't get out fast enough. I looked on Dr Google afterwards and apparently what I should have done was some deep breathing and ride it out. I have to go out again this afternoon, as my kettle has just given up the ghost and started to leak, so I am going to be very brave. I have one of my lovely cats fast asleep on my lap at the moment which is very comforting. Looking forward to tomorrow - my daughter- in-law is picking me up and we are all going over to my daughter 's for lunch, and I am staying over. Unfortunately my son is working tomorrow, so shan't see him.

Blue45Sapphire Thu 22-Mar-18 07:58:08

Just keeping up to date. DH's funeral is tomorrow and I am feeling tons better about it. I was in a very bad place when I wrote the previous post, only 3 days after he had died, and feeling very raw. My brother has put together a lovely order of service and good readings and I have chosen the music. It helped me a lot to go and see DH in the chapel on Monday. It confirmed to me that it is not the loving, living, laughing DH that I knew in the coffin; it looked like him but it was just his shell. The person we knew is in our hearts and minds and always will be. The person he was lives on.

Alygran Thu 22-Mar-18 08:24:23

Condolences and flowers