The loneliness on losing a partner

June - feeling for you though my husband is till here TG.
I noticed on another thread that you have an elderly dog, and wouldn't replace him if he died. Now you say he's poorly.
If he does go, please try to get the courage to replace him.
They're such faithful friends, and give a sense of security. No substitute for a husband, but they do help.

June Chat as much as you want or need to. There are many of us who have been where you are now and some still are. Please be assured everyone is here for you whenever you need us

Thank you all so much for your supportive replies. MawB has explained what I feel better than I did.
I have a sister near me who takes me shopping and for appointments and also good friends and neighbours. My big mobility problem is with my back. I have had two lots of injections in it for pain and now waiting to have something done to the nerve in the area. This is my problem with going anywhere, constant pain in walking so can't join anything where I can take myself and feel a nuisance asking people all the time. I am not feeling sorry for myself as I can potter in the garden and have many hobbies when I can get motivated.
So many people on here are grieving and feeling that inner loneliness so my sympathies go out to you. It is not something that can be explained but has to be felt.

To honest it has just been a bad 2 yrs. My husband died as a result of being put on a large dose of steroids by a consultant. The dose is usually only given for a couple of weeks and then reduced. He was left on the high dose for 3 months and suffered massive side effects. Basically fungi went rampant through his body giving him fungal pneumonia, diabetes and affected his brain. I had to say OK to turn off his life support. I kept phoning different medical people but as he had seen a few, no one would take responsibility. After many meetings with hospital management I was given a written apology that they had let him down. This all played on my mind for ages and I couldn't even think about my husband for ages as I just saw his bloated body which wasn't my handsome man.
Our last chicken who was a pet died this year, my little rescue dog has been in a vet hospital for 4 days on a drip and my dear little cat has a very large tumour and will only be with me until it gets too uncomfortable for her. At times life seems so unfair. Should say my dog is recovering.

Well I have got that out of my system and thanks for 'listening' I have just started water colour painting and going to paint a picture of them together. Bereavement is just as painful for losing an animal so hopefully if will be good enough to remember them by when the time comes.

So glad I found GN. Just hope I don't chat too much.

Not much I can add. It’s three years for me. What a lot of us there are who bear the unwelcome title ‘widow’.

I have always found the loss of shared memories difficult to adjust to. The "do you remember when...." is no longer possible and I will always mourn that loss of my past. My sympathies JuneS, I hope that at least by using GN you find some friendship.

I have lived with that inner loneliness for 43 years, not 43 years of grieving , just a lonliness which is there, when others say ‘we’ I say ‘i’ , one gets use to it , as Maw said ‘we have to’

I am so sorry June, but it does ease x

June my sympathies too. It is very nearly a year since DH died and I understand entirely the loneliness you feel. mawb expresses it so well as ‘someone to do nothing with’.
We were fairly recently retired when DH was diagnosed with bowel cancer and the year before he died passed in a whirlwind of treatment and hospital. My time was devoted to him throughout his illness.
So now I try to pick up the pieces and make a different life for myself than the one we planned together. After a very busy summer of holidays, DGS and visitors it is very quiet as I negotiate these difficult days.
GN is a great companion.

Dear JuneS I send my sincerest sympathy and while we are all different, feel I have an idea of where you are coming from.
I lost my DH 9 months ago and have experienced emotions I never expected. Being a fairly independent person I thought I would cope adequately with going to things on my own and my own company. Not what I expected
DH was ill for several years before he died and in the last 6 or so years needed me to accompany him to ever more frequent hospital clinic appointments in London (50+ miles away) as well as locally. Frequent hospitalisation prepared me after a fashion and I became quite an expert on all things medical so I had the confidence to deal with consultants and nurses, I suppose but I also lived in a sort of denial, refusing to cross bridges until we came to them.
What I am feeling now is not just that I miss him, regret the time we could have spent together,feel the pain of his suffering and quiet courage and regret every living minute that I did not tell him more often how much I loved him.
I have good friends, a loving family and generally see people every day. I also have an affectionate dog, Hattie who gives me a reason to get out of bed, so it is not “just” loneliness, it is an inner loneliness which is hard to put into words. He was the only person who knew exactly where I was coming from, with whom I could be entirely honest about friends and family, who understood me.
Being without him is like an amputation. You learn (I expect) to cope with one arm or limp along on crutches but life doesn’t ever feel like it was before. And you realise that is it, forever.
I am glad to say I no longer have to flee the supermarket in tears because everybody else is in couples, and rarely cry in public, keeping my tears for when I am alone , often because I realise there is something I want to tell him, but can’t.
Sorry to go on at length-your post has opened the floodgates.
Please stay with GN there is so much support and friendship both virtual and real life. It is especially hard if you are unable to get out or see your grandchildren and children but if you can try to be proactive - invite a friend round for coffee/tea/lunch, be the one to initiate the Skype, and if one of your children lives nearby perhaps he/she could help with beds to enable the others to stay over.
We none of us want to seem needy or be a nuisance, but with forward planning perhaps you could see them more than you do now.
But the “inner loneliness”, the silence, or the “nobody to do nothing with” is something we shall have to grit our teeth and get used to

I don't know if you have considered or maybe rejected retirement apartments.
My friend bought one 18 months ago, when I visited her I thought this is not for me.
However 18 months on and 18months older, I reconsider it if my H goes into care.
She never seems lonely, coffee mornings, film nights, trips out and a manager in case of help needed.
She has a much better social life than I do and she only has to go down in the lift to access it.

Hello June, nice to "meet you". I am a bit younger and more mobile than you now, but I can still feel lonely as my family are small and spread out, and I don't hear from them often. It must be horrible for you.

This may be a silly idea, but have you ever considered getting a budgie? My lovely mother in law moved to sheltered housing after she was widowed, and had to rehome her cat. Even though there were other people in the building, she got very lonely.

Eventually we helped her get a budgie, on the understanding that we'd take it if she changed her mind. She actually really liked having a noise in the house, and some other being to look after and communicate with.

Of course it's not the same in any way as a much loved husband, or family, but it might lift your spirits a little. (sorry if the idea is awful for you).

I wonder if it's worth you ringing your local library or Age Concern, and asking if there is anything locally for people who can't get out much. Why not try, it may open up some new friends for you. Best wishes

Hello June. I echo annsixty.

Keeping in touch with the outside world through GN could be a comfort for you. I think there is a difference between feeling alone and feeling lonely. To me feeling alone is like being adandoned by everyone close to you, whereas I can be surrounded by friends and still feel lonely.

Although your miss your family terribly you are in touch online. Have you ever thought of getting Skype installed? My daughter put me onto it (I'm a technophobe and have no idea how to do it myself) it's a great way to stay in contact across the miles and is (as far as I can make out) free.

You are not on your own, we're just a computer screen away....

June I can so identify with your situation. My husband died 7 years ago and we had no children. Whilst I go out most days, meet up with friends and keep busy the hardest times are eating meals alone (we could talk for several hours over dinner), and in the evenings. The loneliness always hits at weekends when friends are busy with their families - I can often go for several days without speaking to anyone.

I do find belonging to various forums gives me at least the illusion of talking to people and everyone on GN is always very supportive.

June Sorry to hear of your bereavement, there are several GNers in a similar situation and know what you are experiencing,it must be awful.When you have known somebody for a long time and then they die it leaves such a huge hole in your life.All I can say [from bereaved friends] is that it does get better as time goes on, and meantime stay on forums and join local clubs if you can? Meeting up with friends, even in each others houses if you can't go far is beneficial, or being friendly with near neighbours.

Sending very good wishes to you June, when I read your sad post ,it makes me realise perhaps, why I am so resisting making the decision for my H to go into residential care.
I would have nobody to care for, and although it fills my day and I get very down, at least I have another person in the house.
I am the same age as you and don't see much of family apart from one lovely GD.
My H is going for 2 weeks respite on Monday and I will experience what you live with every day.
Do you have local friends or belong to a local church?
I know how hard it is with arthritis make the effort to get out and about but I just wish you well and I hope you keep in touch with us all on here, we are very friendly and supportive and GN has been a lifeline to me..