Loss of confidence after bereavement.

I wrote 3-4 posts on that thread

Save repeating myself. What I posted on the Pain of Loss thread covers what a lot of you are feeling. If you read what I wrote I hope it helps. I had to learn things the hard way. If something I say helps it was worth the telling and the tears.

why can`t this thread be re started then?
I just want to say, how much reading this has helped me,, I thought I was going senile,, I am elderly, never lived alone all my life.. 50 years with my dh.... all these strange feelings... quite comforting in a strange way to read these comments.

Life can’t be the same ever, this is hard to accept x

I lost my husband three years ago after forty-nine years together. I feel like there is no point to my life anymore without him here with me. I miss him every minute of my life. I just wish I could turn the clock back.
when people say time heals I am sorry but I don't agree.my life will never be the same again.

When my husband died our daughters were 5 and 7, I became stronger, moved house, no problem making decisions, I think this was because we had only been married 8 years and I had to be strong for our daughters.
My elder daughter died last November , we had a very close relationship , saw each other ever day except for holidays. I find making a decision so difficult, she isn’t here for me to say ‘ I am not sure, blue or green’ when buying something , not that she made decisions for me, it’s the not sharing .

I haven't thought about that, I've thought that I just couldn't be bothered to do things. I simply can't plan ahead, keep putting things off. I lost my son and I suppose losing a partner would be different.

The big change for me as that I see things in black and white, no shades between, things are good or bad. I have cut 2 people out of my life because of their reaction to my son's death. It was wrong of them to make assumptions.

Here's my theory about "bereavement brain" (devised since losing my husband nearly 2 years ars ago): when you're a couple, you kind of share the mental tasks. You borrow the other person's brain to find things out ("When is the car MOT due?") or you park stuff there ("Right, I'm putting the suitcase keys in this zipped pocket of my bag, OK?") or you use the other person to set a reminder ("Don't let me forget to ring the surgery when we get home!")
Then when we find we're alone, possibly for the first time in decades, it's no wonder our brain can't cope with it all. As well as having to filter out the painful things in order to function normally, our brain now has no spare capacity to draw on, no backup system. That's one reason, I think, why we all sometimes find ourselves floundering more than usual. Oh, and we're steadily getting older all the time too, which doesn't help!

dusty, I am trying to find a positive in everything ( difficult)

So your negative yesterday was a broken bone, you positive was you were out of the house and with people ? , hope your wrist heals quickly x

Thank you Annie and Miss A. Ironically I managed to spend all day out yesterday going from one hospital to another whilst they decided what to do about a very small broken bone in my wrist. Fortunately a removable support has been decided on and weirdly I feel better for the experience.
Could anyone else add clumsiness to the list?

Do take care, don’t give in and stay in please, I chose to stay in and am now agoraphobic , that means isolation . I don’t want that for either of you, x x

I'm sorry to hear that, dustyangel
I suppose I'm surprised at how all consuming it is.
It seems to affect everything, all at once.
Its quite frightening sometimes.

I can totally identify with you all. My son died about the same time as your daughter MissAdventure.
I know I’m in danger of becoming agrophobic and as for phoning friends to just meet up for a coffee or something, I make up so many excuses to myself that I decide nor to.

my head used to seem like a nice tidy filing cabinet..but grief seems to have ransacked my filing cabinet, opened all the files thrown them around the house/out the window.

Then they have all been hoovered up/mixed up/shredded then put back inside my head

Thank you, morethan.
It does help, and what eglantine says makes perfect sense.
The fight or flight reflex is all messed up, I think.
It doesn't know if its coming or going.

condolence to you all. I just want to say you are all amazingly brave women. I’m not sure I could face the daily challenges that you do and carry on or be brave enough to share my feelings. Loosing a child or husband/partner is too frightening for me to imagine. I hope sharing your experiences between yourself is a small comfort. It’s not fair is it... life can be really cruel. My thoughts are with you all tonight. Your posts have really touched me.

Well, I have started on anti depressants.
Then I have the problem with sweating.
I'm a really bundle of laughs these days.
The works buffoon!
I seem to always be saying "I'm sorry, I should have thought of that", and furtively searching for my glasses, my paperwork, my pen.
I bet they hate me!

Oh I was all over the place for about two years and then gradually regained some sort of balance.

I don’t know if this will help. A nurse friend told me:

When you are under stress your body produces excess cortisole. It’s the fight or flight hormone and one of its effects is to shut down non essential body functions - like hunger, sleep, reproduction etc

It also coats the brain cells that are involved in memory with a kind of “Teflon” that means nothing really sticks there. This is why people can’t remember being in an accident or lose days when they are very ill.

It’s your body being kind to your mind except when the stress goes on and on it stops you remembering ordinary stuff like where you put the keys or whether you filled in that form.

And all the time the cortisole is going fight/flight/fight/flight. Which is the things are rising or I can’t breathe feeling.

Maybe medication can help. I found thinking this is just my body doing stuff, not my mind, was a help to me. Just a physical thing like being cold or out of breath. Not that I was totally useless and losing it altogether.

Totally? I don't know why that appeared mid sentence.

Oh yes, most definitely it could be that.
Well, I suppose i'll totally find a new comfort zone..
Please, just let it be soon ish!

Could be you feel out of your comfort zone my love

I've never had a panic attack, Annie, but quite often I feel that things are 'rising'.
I don't even know what 'things' they are, but I feel that I'm on the brink of something (a panic attack?)

May I ask? The breathing, do you panic ?

Yes, I’d given up work to do the nursing and then had to go back into the workplace.
I felt I had to be grateful that anybody took me on, past my prime, looking dowdy, absence record. New girl having to prove herself.

Looking back I can’t believe how I let myself be sidelined pushed around and generally belittled.

I can sympathise with Maw too. The not wanting to ask anyone if they wanted to go out or come round. I felt they might feel obliged to say yes! (Whilst sighing inwardly)

Oh, I mean I do go to work, but that's a huge deal every day.
I have to do breathing things on the way there to keep myself 'together'.
I lose everything, forget where I put my keys, my purse..