Understanding yet again please

Biker, I so understand , it’s as if the loved one who has died never existed isn’t it?

Thank you Annie and Lucky. It happened to me again last night.
Saw a chap I have known for years. He scuttled off hoping I hadn't seen him. Saw him again later and he looked like a rabbit in the headlights! He actually said he had seen me earlier and hadn't known what to say.
Perhaps there should be a public information film on tv to address the issue.
I have read a lot about grief recently and the common thread running through all the advice is that talking is paramount to surviving. People cannot talk if others avoid them.

Bikerhiker - I am truly sorry that you too have this anguish to bear. My thoughts are with you too.

I have a family here ? x

I think if my daughter had died from a physical illness people would have found it easier to speak of her, the years she was ill brought judgement because of her mental illness, that wouldn’t have happened if it had been a physical illness. I accept this, i seperated my beautiful daughter from the illness as did her husband and my son in law who isn’t and my younger daughter.

It's very true annie. Loss is difficult for some to talk about. My dear mother was always someone who would find words of comfort. She had a kind face and a soft voice and made everyone feel better. Me, the total opposite. I have a hard face (soft as butter inside but you have to go with the looks you are given!) and not a gentle voice. I get totally stuck for what to say to people. I feel so sorry for them inside but the words don't flow. I never know how to approach someone who has suffered great loss, other than to say I'm sorry.

I do so wish your sisters would get in touch. I can't believe they would hold such a thing against you after all you've been through. I will continue to hold you in my prayers annie and hope for better times to come.

Anniebach people are odd, when they feel uncomfortable with a situation, I guess their default setting is 'say nothing, do nothing'.

I want you to know that I am sending you love, hugs and prayers over the coming days. The first anniversary of your daughters death will not be easy, you have so many virtual friends here I only hope you can take some comfort from us. ??

It was a relief to hear it. My self esteem is so very low and i couldn’t think what I had managed to do or say to upset people. My sisters , that’s different they were angry i told everyone in that chat room to ‘sod off out of there’ , I could have said it less aggressively but they were talking of my daughters stress incontinence and her house wasn’t clean, my sisters hadn’t ever been in that house and to talk about the rest with nephews was out of order. So they will not forgive me. I hope they will.

Biker, everything is so raw for you, Christmas will come and go and you are so right, it can’t be fixed x

Thank you all x

, of course.

Sending you love and hugs, Annie. I so wish you had the support you deserve and that you and your sisters could be reconciled.

[Flowers] to everyone on here who has lost someone dear. My heart goes out to you all.

Annie I too have not heard from a few people since my daughter died 8 weeks ago. I know that they feel uncomfortable but I am non the less surprised. It would be nice to see them and I am sure they are thinking of me.
Whilst right now I cannot imagine feeling like saying "Merry" anything ever again it occurred to me that I may just say "would love to see you" in a Christmas card.
So many people have said to me "I just did not know what to say". My reply is always that it is enough just to say they are sorry and thinking of me because apart from bring my child back it cannot be fixed.
Thinking of you Annie. X

I feel ok about it, I thought I had undiagnosed leprosey the way friends have avoided me . But their problem not mine , I would enjoy a chat about what’s going on in town Just as we use to do.

It is making it about them, not about you

Oh Annie!!? people are very strange, that's about all one say!! A few words of comfort would mean so much and cost nothing. To say that you can't commiserate verbally to a mother because the circumstances of her child's death make YOU feel uncomfortable is hurtful, and that's putting it mildly.
As always x

Oh dear Anniebach, perhaps people don't know what to say but they could still come and see you. I do hope they will visit before too long.

This explains much

The estate adjoining this Cul de Sac , my son in law and son in law who isn’t have extended families living there, I have known them for years . Not heard from one of them since I moved here. Son in law who isn’t told me one of his Aunts asked how I was, he said I was ok and why don’t you call in and see her? She said i thought about it when x died but the way she died makes me uncomfortable !

Oh Annie, bless you, that is kind. I feel I've got to know you and can not only confide in you, but want to support you during this very sad time of your life.?
Thank you for the info about Fred! His former owner sounds as if he was a lovely person. Here's hoping that you and Fred will eventually have a few positive adventures
together! Fingers crossed!

niggly, Fred is my mobility scooter, named Fred after a lovely man who lived next door to me for some years, he died about a year before I moved to this bungalow, he was such a positive man, when losing his sight he dismissed it with ‘I can still hear the radio and you talking nonsense to your dogs’ the nonsense were things like ‘ shall we have a cuppa ‘ he would call from his garden ‘make mine a whiskey ‘ . I was so fond of him and missed him ,

Niggly, you do much to ease things for me , more than you know x

Should only be one 'you know'!! S.M? AGAIN!!!

Annie, forgive me, but who is Fred? I obviously missed you telling us about him/her! or was having a senior moment!! rather too many of those, but at 75 (can this really be me?!!) I guess I have to accept and expect them!!
I hope things aren't too hard for you - I wish I could do something concrete to ease your burden, but if love and sympathy can help, you know you know you'll find it in bucketfuls from all of us on here. xx

Nonnie, I am so very sorry, there doesn’t seem there is anything you can do but accept, wait and hope.

I miss my three sisters so much, not the same as grandchildren but I care very much for them, haven’t had contact for two years and we live in the same town, all I can do is hope this will change .

Perhaps someone will advise something more helpful for you x

Annie that has been tried and only worked until all the financials were settled, we had seen them until then. At that point she decided we couldn't see them anymore. No matter what they told us she had said we never said a bad word about her, we wouldn't do that even though they said "Grandma doesn't tell lies but Mummy does". We wouldn't want to hurt them. Unless we can find something that is in her interest we will not be allowed to see them but, more importantly, they are not allowed to see their father's family which must hurt them deeply and may leave lasting scars.

Nonnie I do understand , you can keep them all together and hopefully the time will come when the children will contact you, it is natural for people to want to know about their roots. You want to keep the link between you open but sadly because they are so young it depends on their mother, there is much anger and hurt between you both, perhaps a family member, one of your other children could try to mend the broken link, if you think you can forgive her though x

Annie you are so lucky that you have them as memories to share about your daughter, their mother. I found a lovely photo of DS in training and wanted to send it to his sons but don't know if they would get it or whether their mother would just rip it up. If I had them it would help me to cope.

Nonnie. Hugs x

I am writing about my daughter for my grandchildren as a child, as a teenager, when their parents met, her joy when
she was pregnant , how she loved them so much, how she loved life, why she made the decision to leave the family home , her illness and how she fought it . What a wonderful mother, wife, daughter, sister, granddaughter, niece, friend she was

Annie I came back to this thread today after sorting through boxes of old stuff we have kept and found so many happy memories of DS, old school reports, certificates etc. I think this may have turned a corner for me because, although I had some tears I also managed some smiles. I just wish I could share these memories with his children who were so happy that they were being allowed to see us this time last year. They must be feeling so confused now that they are not allowed to see us. Perhaps sorting through your memories would help you too as we are at the same stage in our loss?