Gransnet forums

Bereavement

Lost baby

(47 Posts)
Mumsyface Thu 06-Dec-18 14:41:52

Although I have had a quick look through the forums I couldn’t find a thread relating to miscarried grandchildren, so here goes. Apologies in advance if it’s been discussed many times already.
My son and his girlfriend are having a baby - and, of course I’m thrilled to bits about it. It’ll be my fifth grandchild, so not a novelty like the first one but still a wonderful surprise. Apparently it was a surprise for them too. Nothing too unusual there although they are having to adapt their entire life plan as they both have children from previous relationships, hadn’t planned more and hadn’t formally or publicly committed themselves to anything other than having a good time. The young lady was quite ill earlier this year and the doc/hospital said she’d moscarried an ectopic pregnancy. A few weeks later she had a scan to determine the state of her insides and lo and behold it transpired she was four months pregnant.
I’m pleased with my son as he is being properly responsible about it, supporting her and preparing for renewed fatherhood and the new baby even though I t was something they didn’t plan for, has disrupted their travel plans and will be a financial burden.
I now find myself wondering if she miscarried a twin and feeling some loss and grief......is this a normal thing for me to feel? Have I lost a grandchild, or am I just being fanciful and silly...?

Marydoll Thu 06-Dec-18 15:10:24

Mumsyface, that happened to me. I miscarried and was taken to hospital for a D&C, but there was no bed available, so I ended up in the maternity unit.
The next day, before sending me to theatre, they decided to do a scan and there was another baby.
I often wonder about the baby I lost. 😪 It was too early to know if it was a boy or a girl.
I don't think you are being fanciful or silly.

Newatthis Thu 06-Dec-18 15:47:04

My sister miscarried at 24 weeks and they said there was another baby, when she gave birth at 32 weeks , she gave birth to twins but sadly lost one of those also. Her son is now a strapping 50 year old which is not bad for a 2 1/2 lb baby. My sister still misses both of them but is thankful she was left with one. You're not being silly!

Mumsyface Thu 06-Dec-18 19:44:47

Thank you for your kind words.
I once read that the soul is intelligent and would not, therefore, enter a body that wqs not destined to come into live. I found it quite comforting to think that a lost baby was something physical and not a sentient being.

Izabella Thu 06-Dec-18 20:20:48

Unfortunately you will not know unless the information is shared with you. You could be being hard on yourself for no reason. flowers

GoldenAge Fri 07-Dec-18 10:08:18

Mumsyface - you can't help feelings of loss and grief, but the situation is that you don't actually know what has happened and it's difficult to grieve a loss that may never have occurred in the first place - my thoughts as a bereavement counsellor is that you would be better focusing on the fact that you have the prospect of another grandchild who is going to be born into a supportive family environment with half siblings and cousins. Your son and his girlfriend need your upbeat support here - you don't know what pain, if any, either of them are feeling and I would concentrate on what's positive in this situation - which is a lot, it seems.

CrazyGrandma2 Fri 07-Dec-18 10:22:40

Not being silly at all. DD miscarried, then had their S, miscarried again and then had their D. Both lost around the 10 week mark. I grieved for them both.
Until she lost the first I had no idea how common miscarriages are - apparently 1 in 4. I was clearly very fortunate as had two pregnancies and two babies.
DS and wife have had two ectopic pregnancies and now await IVF. I will never forget the distress of the second one earlier this year. You just have to feel your feelings but most importantly concentrate on supporting the couple as they will surely need your support.

Pat1949 Fri 07-Dec-18 10:37:14

When I gave birth to my daughter 36 years ago, I was found to have a double placenta, the midwives weren't sure if my daughter should have been a twin or if I had suffered a miscarriage which hadn't aborted. Either way they were surprised that the embryo of my daughter hadn't rotted (their words, not mine). I'm just very grateful that my daughter was born safe and healthy. Personally, I didnt feel any grief, just really thankful my daughter was alive and healthy. You may feel sad now, but try not to be you've a new grandchild to welcome.

GabriellaG Fri 07-Dec-18 10:53:38

Totally silly. The g/f wasn't even a fixture in your son's life, as you clearly point out, and they were not dedicating themselves to the normal route of marriage > house > children and a settled life.
For you to get emotional about something no-one knew about, least of all the prospective mother, is foolish. According to you, it happened months ago.
This g/f might only have been a passing fancy for a bit of a holiday adventure and they may have parted in the not too distant future, therefore, for you to get wound up about something which would have put the brakes on their plans even more abruptly, is plain silly.
Would your son have stuck by her with twins on the way? They both have failed relationships and children to support and if finances are 'a burden' now, with two on the way, would the relationship have lasted. Think about it. The whole scenario is not one you'd want to bring a child into as they aren't even in a comnitted relationship.

grandMattie Fri 07-Dec-18 10:53:54

I miscarried an identical twin at 12 weeks, but it wasn't realised until i had given birth - the twin was a great lump in the placenta. The doctors thought I had "just resorbed my baby". Yes, I had had great grief and loss, then the utter amazement a couple of months later to realise I was still pregnant and well into my second trimester. It was a shock, I have to say! I have never hidden the death of her twin to my DD, but she has never said if the death of her identical twin has affected her. Our relationship, though cordial, is not close enough to have ever asked.
Feel sad now, but make sure the survivor never feels "second best" to her twin!

Sheilasue Fri 07-Dec-18 10:57:08

I lost my first child I miscarried and went into hospital for a d&c sadly I was only carrying one.
It’s a stroke of luck if you are carrying twins and one survives. But you never forget the first child.
My dd is a diversity and inclusion manager and there company is looking into helping woman who have lost a child and have to go back to work after a while. They have had a conference about the menopause and ivf on how to help on that too. It has been very successful and a lot of woman have gone to their doctors after hearing about the symtons. They want to be able to support woman in all 3 situations. Didn’t happen in my day had to go back to work after my miscarriage though a lot of my working friends were very kind would be nice to know you have support.

Mapleleaf Fri 07-Dec-18 11:14:01

Harsh, GabriellaG.

TheMaggiejane1 Fri 07-Dec-18 11:14:53

Between them my sons and daughter have lost 9 babies. All relatively early. I have felt a sense of loss and mourned each one. No, I don’t think you are being silly mumsyface.

jaylucy Fri 07-Dec-18 11:22:12

No you are not being silly. It's a case of what might have been and no doubt your son's girlfriend will, at some point be feeling the same. It sounds as if your son and girlfriend will be needing some help in the future. Maybe offer some sympathy (don't care what anyone says, anything gynae/obstetric related can be quite upsetting or traumatic) and say, if they wish to talk you are a willing ear , but be prepared for a brush off - they will be so happy about the surviving baby that they may not want to talk yet. It all comes down as to your belief or attitude as to when life begins.

Craftycat Fri 07-Dec-18 11:30:51

I don't think feeling silly comes into it. We all take things differently & I suspect I may have felt this way too in your position.
However you have a new GC coming so I'm sure soon you will focus on that. It is sad but at least there is another lovely little person arriving to cheer you.
My DiL was one of twins- her mum lost one early on pregnancy & carried DiL full term. It happens.
Look forward to the new arrival.

GabriellaG Fri 07-Dec-18 11:41:19

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GabriellaG Fri 07-Dec-18 11:58:41

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GillT57 Fri 07-Dec-18 12:20:38

GG you may need to have a lie down, your posts have been a bit unsympathetic to people asking for opinions and while we don't necessarily have to bathe everyone in sympathy and kindness, you have been a bit harsh.

CazB Fri 07-Dec-18 12:31:51

I heard last night that my D is having a miscariage at 9 weeks, her second one. You can't help thinking of what might have been, despite being so sorry for my D and her partner. I wish you all the very best for the new baby's arrival.

Izabella Fri 07-Dec-18 12:54:52

Gabriella has not been harsh at all. She merely posted on the wrong thread which she acknowledges.

GillT57 Fri 07-Dec-18 12:59:49

I know, thank you Izabella. I was referring to her earlier post at 10:53.

grandtanteJE65 Fri 07-Dec-18 13:07:19

I think like most others that your feelings are completely normal and sane. Some time in the future you may be able to share them with your son and his partner, and I am sure they will understand and probably feel consoled that it meant so much to you. Please don't mention it to them right now, unless they bring the subject up, as they are no doubt feeling quite emotional just now.

NanaRayna Fri 07-Dec-18 13:37:02

Not silly and the grief is real even if it has nowhere to go but your own heart.
One of the things that 'freedom to choose' doesn't mention (and nor should it, the choice is difficult enough as it stands) is how much the grandparent can anguish about a pregnancy being terminated. I've been in pieces, even while understanding that there was no other choice for the mother in the violent situation she was enduring.
Can't tell her, and can't forget. I just send my love out to that child whenever I think of her.

grannytotwins Fri 07-Dec-18 14:53:05

I’ve been lucky and my grandchildren have all be born alive. Two are disabled though and the twins were very premature. I was pregnant with identical twins. One was lost before 18 weeks when there was only one on the scan. The placenta was almost rotted where her twin had been, but I wasn’t told if the foetus came out or was reabsorbed as I was so out of it. I know that if any of my grandchildren had been miscarried, I would have mourned them. It’s normal to grieve what could have been.

willa45 Fri 07-Dec-18 15:05:29

Miscarriage, stillbirth and the loss of unborn babies is an often ignored chapter when it comes to grief. Having lost one of my own (died inside my womb at five months), I know this kind of pain firsthand as did my husband and our now deceased parents. It's been almost fifty years and we still grieve for our second child....the one we never got to know.