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Bereavement

Missing mum ...how do l move on?

(39 Posts)
Blacktabby2 Sun 30-Dec-18 14:42:26

My mum died a few weeks ago. Due was 93...but l do miss her. We were not especially close so l am surprised at how hard this has hit me! She was also my neighbour! Although she had recently moved to a residential home. We would phone each other every day. The minute l went on holiday l had the call she had died...it was unexpected . I miss her calls....how l wish l could have one last chat.

anxiousgran Wed 27-Feb-19 08:31:52

Sorry yo’ve lost your mum blacktabby. I hope you have someone to support you in your bereavement.
My mum died 10 years ago, and I still think about her every day. She was my first love affair!
I sometimes feel guilty about things I said and didn’t say, and how I wish I’d been with her the night she died.
Still, it’s right we should remember those we have loved so much, they live on in our hearts and memories.
The pain does lessen though,
flowers

Urmstongran Wed 27-Feb-19 08:26:22

This is a week full of sad memories for me too. Mum died on 2 March last year. She was 86y and a joy to spend time with. She adored us all and me, unreservedly.
I’m crying now just sending this.

GrandmainOz Wed 27-Feb-19 08:14:25

1inamillionflowers

1inamillion Wed 27-Feb-19 08:10:56

My mother died when my son was two and a half, so never knew her granddaughter. She missed out on so much.
She used to phone every day at 4.30 to see how my day went, often look at the clock at this time and long for a call.
Always think what would she do when a decision has to be made. DH thought the world of her.
His parents both died last month at 94. We are now the oldest members of our little family and I feel lost.

GrandmainOz Wed 27-Feb-19 01:27:38

Yes sunlover my mother only met one of my little GC v briefly as she was already very unwell when they started to come along. When I said my last goodbye (gulp) she cried that she hadn't met the little two. Leaving her knowing she had regrets was awful

Sunlover Sat 23-Feb-19 08:47:27

I don't think I'll ever stop missing my mum. Since becoming a grandma last year I often look at my 3 grandchildren and so wish my mum could have met them. She would have loved them to pieces. I still sing the songs to them that she sang to my four children ( and so do they!)

Anja Sat 23-Feb-19 07:05:34

Sorry for your loss Blacktabby just be grateful you had your mother around for so long. It’s over 40 years since I lost mine.

GrandmainOz Sat 23-Feb-19 06:59:30

It will be the first anniversary of my mother's death next month. She was taken really quite young by a cruel disease. Her own mother, my grandmother, is still hale and hearty in her 90's. Great grandmother lived to 105. We never expected to lose Mum so early. Such a shock. I miss her sharp insight and generous impulses. She could be a harsh critic and was an absolute worry wort, but was also so encouraging, loyal and very wise (she used to say "don't worry, I've seen it all, nothing shocks me now"). She's irreplaceable

TerriBull Thu 21-Feb-19 19:01:14

Blacktabby2 sorry for your loss flowers I still miss my mum I can't believe she's been gone for over 10 years. I was lucky I had just returned from Canada, and nearly cancelled my visit to her because I was feeling tired, so glad I didn't, we had a lovely lunch, she died the next day. I would have had so many regrets if I hadn't had that last time with her, I'm sorry that you had that call just as you went on holiday.

I remember phoning her shortly before she died when I had to go to the dentist to have a root canal procedure and telling her I was dreading it and her responding "don't worry dentists know what they are doing". Yes I miss our chats, I sympathise, I've never deleted my mum's number from my mobile, it's the memories. I think many of us will empathise with your feelings.

Anniebach Thu 21-Feb-19 18:05:00

I am so sorry. Even after 20 years I think ‘ what should I do Mum’

MissAdventure Thu 21-Feb-19 18:02:35

Sometimes only a mum will do.
I often think I could do with my mum to listen to me and help me.

trisher Thu 21-Feb-19 17:58:47

Blacktabby2 It will take time. My mum died nearly a year ago. She was 95. I think one of the things about losing a mum when you are so much older is that people expect you to be less affected. They tell you what a good age she was and how you were lucky to have her for so long. And yes she was and you were but as well because you both had time to spend together as adults, because you had become her companion and maybe her carer, because she relied on you, you miss her so much more. You have to give yourself time and it's OK to miss her. Just try to find something to get you through and if you have to cry sometimes don't feel guilty about it. A very good friend of mine comforted me by saying "It doesn't matter how old you are being an orphan takes a long time to get used to."

Oldandverygrey Thu 21-Feb-19 16:56:58

Every Sunday at 8.00am I pick up the phone to ring my Mum, then realise she died in 2008, old habits die hard.

BlueBelle Thu 21-Feb-19 16:53:16

Dear BlackTabby I am so sorry for losing your mum
My mum had Alzheimer’s for about ten years before she died Before that happened we often had up and down times but never ever stopped our relationship, after a clash (never more than a disagreement) we would both smart for an hour then be back to normal but the last ten years were awful She called me her rock until she could no longer talk, except baby sounds
My dad stayed astute to his death and we talked a few times every day and I would visit two or three times a week
My dad died and six months later my mum died that was six years ago and I can still cry when I think of them, so many things I wish I had said, or asked, or done
For weeks after my dads death I searched everywhere to try and find his voice I went through phones, old ones, new ones, landlines anything that might have had a message on as I felt his voice disappearing from me I never found anything and now can’t hear his voice at all and strangely that breaks my heart I search in my head but it’s no longer there
Xx

Floradora9 Thu 21-Feb-19 16:31:57

I came home from my DM's funeral and thought I must phone her and tell her how many people were there .

Jabberwok Thu 21-Feb-19 16:31:24

Sorry, 'worst '!

Jabberwok Thu 21-Feb-19 16:28:23

The grief I felt after my mother died I wouldn't wish onto my worse enemy. Closely followed by my beloved step father.

absent Thu 03-Jan-19 06:00:52

When I was trying to explain aspects of life, death, love and marriage to absentdaughter, I described my heart as a great big house where some rooms were occupied – hers, for example – and some were still empty, waiting for a new friend or family member to move in. I explained that if someone else came into my life, it wouldn't make anyone else's room smaller, but simply open a new room. When her grandmother, my mum died, I shut down the room because no one else would ever live there, but it still carries memories that I sometimes visit. I think absentdaughter visits it or, perhaps, her own "grandmum's" room.

And yes, I still miss both my mother and father and probably shall for every day of my life. I don't believe for a second that I am unique with these feelings.

moggie57 Wed 02-Jan-19 23:54:09

it does hit you hard. its endless . the guilt wishing you could have done more. the anger..my mum been gone 20 years aug 2017. and i still miss her very much. i wish there was a telephone line to heaven.....the pain does lessen but it took me 5 years before i did not cry anymore.today her passing makes me sad. and yes i do cry. dont bottle your grief up....let it out...in time you will remember the good times you spent with her.

Vickixx Wed 02-Jan-19 23:36:57

I haven’t lost my mother but I know that heavy feeling of grief in the heart as a few times in her life we have been told she might not pull through and the tough old bird has faught back. Once on holiday when I couldn’t get home I remember that feeling well having had the phone call about mum’s latest hospital admission. I know that feeling is not far off for real. We think at the time the stone in our hearts will never leave us but slowly given time we get there.

BradfordLass72 Tue 01-Jan-19 02:21:05

One of the things I've noticed these days Tabby2, is that people expect you to "move on" far too quickly. Grief doesn't work like that.
I didn't get on all that well with my Mum either but as I got older (I'm 72 now), I learned to understand her a lot more than I did.
When she died, in 1992, it was a full year before I could actually come to terms with her loss, possibly because we didn't get on.
12 months after she died, I found a tape of music she liked and just broke down and cried uncontrollably for an hour, in a way I was unable to do at the time of her death

There's not much you can do about grief, it has to take its time but eventually, it does get less and you find that instead of crying (or feeling guilty in my case smile) every time you think of her, you begin to remember some of the happier times.
It took me over a year and of course your grief process may be quite different but don't listen to people who tell you to move on, do it in your own time.
It WILL get better, just keep your head up Lass, and try to smile now and then.

Blacktabby2 Mon 31-Dec-18 13:10:28

I would like to thank you all for your messages. It's very comforting. A happy new year to you all...🍾🎉xxx

jogginggirl Sun 30-Dec-18 23:10:29

So sorry for your loss Blacktabby and for all others going through the same 😢 I lost my beautiful mum just one year ago - it has been a tricky year and I so miss her💔 I have some wonderful memories and these are what get me through at the moment❤️

Bellanonna Sun 30-Dec-18 22:40:51

So sorry Blacktabby and I’m sure Christmas just makes her loss especially poignant.
Framilode, that is a really strange dream. Quite sad too.

Framilode Sun 30-Dec-18 20:37:35

So sorry for you. It doesn't make any difference what her age was she was still your mum.

My mum died 30 years ago but recently I have started having frequent dreams about her. They are all similar in that I am looking for her in the town she lived in because I have forgotten about her and now can't remember where she lives. I am also in my dream trying to remember her phone number. Strange.