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Bereavement

Missing mum ...how do l move on?

(38 Posts)
Blacktabby2 Sun 30-Dec-18 14:42:26

My mum died a few weeks ago. Due was 93...but l do miss her. We were not especially close so l am surprised at how hard this has hit me! She was also my neighbour! Although she had recently moved to a residential home. We would phone each other every day. The minute l went on holiday l had the call she had died...it was unexpected . I miss her calls....how l wish l could have one last chat.

Blacktabby2 Sun 30-Dec-18 14:45:35

Sorry....predicted text....she was 93...

aggie Sun 30-Dec-18 14:47:46

I am so sorry for you , but I can understand . Mum died 20 years ago and I still miss her , but in a more nostalgic way . I rang her at 2.30 most days to bring her out of herself and sometimes she chatted other times she didn't talk much . I kept lifting the phone to remind her about something , for years after she was gone , but it does get easier to bear .

GrannyGravy13 Sun 30-Dec-18 14:53:12

I lost my mum 20 months ago, I miss her so much. I have a loving large supportive family, but it’s my mum that I want to talk to, to go shopping with or lunch.

Does it get better unfortunately no it just morphs into a new normal.

Blacktabby2 Sun 30-Dec-18 14:54:23

Thankyou Aggie...yes l still look at the phone at 3pm...expecting it to show the word MUM . I have lost a lot of interest in everything...but l have a wonderful family....l will be ok...mum wouldn't want me to be sad. I lost my dad 6 years ago on mums birthday!!!

Blacktabby2 Sun 30-Dec-18 15:10:18

Sorry too GrannyGravy...they say time heals...but it's still early days. I just want to tell her things . I do have conversationsome quietly...or people will think l am bonkers! I would love to have a sign that she's near....x

Blacktabby2 Sun 30-Dec-18 15:11:16

Conversations sometimes quietly *

Grandma70s Sun 30-Dec-18 15:27:07

I think time does help, but I still miss my mother who died more than twenty years ago. She used to say all her life that she still missed her mother. It’s just a very close bond that is hard to break.

Grammaretto Sun 30-Dec-18 15:50:13

Isn't it hard. My DM died 10 years ago. Occasionally I still want to phone her and tell her something.
Your mum has known you longer than anyone else.
I am becoming more like her by the day so perhaps that's a consolation.

joannapiano Sun 30-Dec-18 18:01:41

My mum walked upstairs one evening, when she was 69, (as I am now,) and literally dropped dead from a heart attack. As it was so sudden, for some months I used to think I had seen her in the street, or spotted her shopping while I was in the bus going by.
The week after she died I had a dream that she was in a room full of people, just chatting and wearing her Mac and boots. I was in the next room, looking at this scene through the doorway. She turned and said “Don’t worry about me, I’m quite alright.” And I felt so comforted by that. I am not a very religious person, but have never forgotten it.

Nonnie Sun 30-Dec-18 18:14:17

So sorry to hear your story. I don't have anything helpful to say just to send you hugs. It doesn't matter what loss others have had, you can't compare, we all grieve in our own way and in our own time. Hope it helps to express yourself on here.

megan123 Sun 30-Dec-18 18:30:26

So sorry to hear of your loss. My mum died 20 years ago and I was there at the time (I feel I was lucky to be there) and I, like Joanna, used to "see" her when I was out. I miss her every day, and at night I talk to her. A white feather blew into my kitchen a few weeks ago and landed on a plant on the window sill, and I was going through a particularly bad time, it just felt she was there to say "things will work out".

megan123 Sun 30-Dec-18 19:28:04

I should have added like my feather, things comfort us to help us along the way. Take care.

Framilode Sun 30-Dec-18 20:37:35

So sorry for you. It doesn't make any difference what her age was she was still your mum.

My mum died 30 years ago but recently I have started having frequent dreams about her. They are all similar in that I am looking for her in the town she lived in because I have forgotten about her and now can't remember where she lives. I am also in my dream trying to remember her phone number. Strange.

Bellanonna Sun 30-Dec-18 22:40:51

So sorry Blacktabby and I’m sure Christmas just makes her loss especially poignant.
Framilode, that is a really strange dream. Quite sad too.

jogginggirl Sun 30-Dec-18 23:10:29

So sorry for your loss Blacktabby and for all others going through the same 😢 I lost my beautiful mum just one year ago - it has been a tricky year and I so miss her💔 I have some wonderful memories and these are what get me through at the moment❤️

Blacktabby2 Mon 31-Dec-18 13:10:28

I would like to thank you all for your messages. It's very comforting. A happy new year to you all...🍾🎉xxx

BradfordLass72 Tue 01-Jan-19 02:21:05

One of the things I've noticed these days Tabby2, is that people expect you to "move on" far too quickly. Grief doesn't work like that.
I didn't get on all that well with my Mum either but as I got older (I'm 72 now), I learned to understand her a lot more than I did.
When she died, in 1992, it was a full year before I could actually come to terms with her loss, possibly because we didn't get on.
12 months after she died, I found a tape of music she liked and just broke down and cried uncontrollably for an hour, in a way I was unable to do at the time of her death

There's not much you can do about grief, it has to take its time but eventually, it does get less and you find that instead of crying (or feeling guilty in my case smile) every time you think of her, you begin to remember some of the happier times.
It took me over a year and of course your grief process may be quite different but don't listen to people who tell you to move on, do it in your own time.
It WILL get better, just keep your head up Lass, and try to smile now and then.

Vickixx Wed 02-Jan-19 23:36:57

I haven’t lost my mother but I know that heavy feeling of grief in the heart as a few times in her life we have been told she might not pull through and the tough old bird has faught back. Once on holiday when I couldn’t get home I remember that feeling well having had the phone call about mum’s latest hospital admission. I know that feeling is not far off for real. We think at the time the stone in our hearts will never leave us but slowly given time we get there.

moggie57 Wed 02-Jan-19 23:54:09

it does hit you hard. its endless . the guilt wishing you could have done more. the anger..my mum been gone 20 years aug 2017. and i still miss her very much. i wish there was a telephone line to heaven.....the pain does lessen but it took me 5 years before i did not cry anymore.today her passing makes me sad. and yes i do cry. dont bottle your grief up....let it out...in time you will remember the good times you spent with her.

absent Thu 03-Jan-19 06:00:52

When I was trying to explain aspects of life, death, love and marriage to absentdaughter, I described my heart as a great big house where some rooms were occupied – hers, for example – and some were still empty, waiting for a new friend or family member to move in. I explained that if someone else came into my life, it wouldn't make anyone else's room smaller, but simply open a new room. When her grandmother, my mum died, I shut down the room because no one else would ever live there, but it still carries memories that I sometimes visit. I think absentdaughter visits it or, perhaps, her own "grandmum's" room.

And yes, I still miss both my mother and father and probably shall for every day of my life. I don't believe for a second that I am unique with these feelings.

Jabberwok Thu 21-Feb-19 16:28:23

The grief I felt after my mother died I wouldn't wish onto my worse enemy. Closely followed by my beloved step father.

Jabberwok Thu 21-Feb-19 16:31:24

Sorry, 'worst '!

Floradora9 Thu 21-Feb-19 16:31:57

I came home from my DM's funeral and thought I must phone her and tell her how many people were there .

BlueBelle Thu 21-Feb-19 16:53:16

Dear BlackTabby I am so sorry for losing your mum
My mum had Alzheimer’s for about ten years before she died Before that happened we often had up and down times but never ever stopped our relationship, after a clash (never more than a disagreement) we would both smart for an hour then be back to normal but the last ten years were awful She called me her rock until she could no longer talk, except baby sounds
My dad stayed astute to his death and we talked a few times every day and I would visit two or three times a week
My dad died and six months later my mum died that was six years ago and I can still cry when I think of them, so many things I wish I had said, or asked, or done
For weeks after my dads death I searched everywhere to try and find his voice I went through phones, old ones, new ones, landlines anything that might have had a message on as I felt his voice disappearing from me I never found anything and now can’t hear his voice at all and strangely that breaks my heart I search in my head but it’s no longer there
Xx