Funeral wishes

In the last 3 weeks I have had to learn about this subject very quickly. My husband was taken into hospital for palliative care on 1st April and died the following morning at 2.30am, I did not even have time to get to the hospital to say goodbye and tell him how much I loved him. However he had always said "that a lime pit was good enough for Mozart - I'll take the same!" As there are no lime pits in Essex we had previously decided on cremation, as simple as possible.
I am just coming to the end of my own cancer treatment and did not feel that I could cope with a funeral and all the attendant "fuss", so after discussion with our daughter we opted for an unattended cremation, with the ashes being returned to me. We can then decide on a suitable place to scatter his ashes and a celebration once I get over feeling so fatigued. I think he would have been happy with this choice, and as our daughter lives many miles away, I think I'll prepay for a similar package for myself.
Today I receive his ashes back home and I expect to have a meltdown as the reality of the last 3 weeks finally hits me.

My mum passed away last year and like many she wanted a basic funeral. She was adamant that she didn’t want flowers as she used to go mad when she saw them all lying on the ground at the crematorium. We opted for a cremation and had a humanist services, my mum wasn’t religious and neither are we. We had the cheapest coffin, only the hearse to carry the coffin and we all went in our own cars and met at the crematorium. We opted not to have a vicar as I really didn’t want someone talking about a woman they had never met. Instead both adult grandchildren talked about ‘nana’, what they loved about her, some funny antidotes, the story of her life etc. I read a poem which I felt depicted my mum perfectly. We choose Vera Lynn singing We’ll meet again as the music (my mum was a NAAFI girl during the Second World War). Myself and my 2 children placed a red rose each on the coffin. The funeral director came up to me afterwards and said that it was one of the nicest cremations he had attended in a very long time because it was totally about my mum.

Teetime, I agree absolutely. I decided long ago no funeral for me. Funerals and the lead up to them are torture for all concerned particularly with the long delays beforehand which seem to have become the norm.

One of the hardest things to do is to organise a funeral for someone else.
When my mum died unexpectedly, I thankfully had had several conversations with her on the subject - that she wanted to be cremated and that there were 2 bank/building society accounts that she had paid into to pay for hers and my father's funerals ( that was news to my dad, he had no idea!!)
So we had a church service ( she was always involved in our local one) the choice of coffin was left up to the funeral director as was the shroud . We just needed to order the flowers, and hymns. All followed by a simple service at the crem.
When my dad died, we just went for similar arrangements, without the church service - much to the disgust of an aunt! Dad was not too impressed with the vicar and the lack of contact from church members after mum died. We also made it more personal for him as we had a motorbike and sidecar hearse - much to the disgust of the same aunt- dad had always had a love of motorbikes and until I was 5, we had a motorbike and sidecar!

I have recently lost my father it was sudden, so no final wish. His previous wish was always for the cheapest cremation we could find, then more recently upon learning of ‘cremation without ceremony’ he expressed his wish for this, if it was possible. My mother abided by his wishes. She used all the money saved, to splash out on a beautiful celebration of his life.
I was amazed at the number of people who objected to this way of cremation. But to me it was much easier to think of Dad on the day, rather then sitting looking and crying for him lying in a coffin. My final memories were sad enough without adding to them. My mother is now waiting to pre pay for the same cremation for herself, so no one can arrange anything different when her time comes.

Today I'm awaiting the same wish you well x

I have no family and I did not want my two POAs to be forking out large sums of money for my simple funeral. My funeral plan is paid for so everybody is happy.

I would be very happy to bypass the church to be cremated. I was hoping to donate my body to medical science but no beause the body has to be perfect- no swollen joints etc. No such luck here.

I feel that the practical funeral arrangements should be made to suit the mourners - especially the ones who are actually having to arrange it. My only stipulation is that the service has to be a religious one, not a "celebration of my life". I always feel that if I want to go to heaven I need to be a bit humble about it at my funeral, not turn myself into a sort of celebrity for the day.

I am having a simple funeral...chosen music. Born to be wild played when wicker coffin carried in and This is the Moment by Moody Blues as last music. Desederata will be read. All simple. Oh and The Lark Assending...my favourite classical piece played during. All no fuss. Wishing you Peace and Love as you go through the next few weeks x

I met an artist who has made and decorated her own coffin which she keeps under her bed!
I think it's flat pack cardboard or plywood possibly. I haven't seen it.

When we scattered my relatives ashes, it wasn’t a burden,it was lovely. We did it a few months after the funeral when the key players ( about 10 of us) were able to get together. We went to a place he had played in and loved as a boy and then repaired to his favourite fish and chip cafe. We reminisced and laughed and had more time to share memories than we’d had at the more formal funeral. We’ve talked to dd about our funerals ( although I suppose it’s only the second one that will be her full responsibility unless we died together or the other one was incapacitated in some way) and whilst she wanted some ideas, she knows that the funeral is for her, other family members and our friends. She will do what is right at the time for those who want to mourn and pay tribute to us. We don’t know what the particular circumstances will be - that could change attitudes very much - but we trust her.

not sure what happens the coffin metal adornments presumably they just melt

I read a book written by a crematorium worker - she said that those fitted metal adornments are removed before the coffin is cremated.

We have both elected not to have a funeral and are putting this in our wills. I have spoken with the family and they understand they we feel that funerals are awful to attend and we prefer to have our remains dealt with as near to the day of death as possible with no ceremony at all. The family can do what they like after that. We do not wish our ashes to be scattered anywhere - yet another burden/job for the family. Its not really about the money for us more about how awful it is to attend funerals.

I also thought the wicker that I ve looked at were expensive and that’s what put me off but I m hoping someone to point us to some cheap versions

Oh yes .. then the funeral !! I picked the hymns and the readings , but as we walked up to the Chapel I was really in shock to see a big black Gazebo over the grave set out with chairs at the side , I am afraid it started hysterical giggles . I am sure is was very practical but really over the top .

My Son and daughter went to the Funeral Director to choose the coffin etc , they were told no expensive things , I was taken aback at the most ornate coffin and trappings , but it was too late , couldn't turf him out and get cheaper . They said it was their Dad and wanted the best ............. they offered to help with the eye watering bill . They also said the wicker options were equally expensive . My Sister got the less expensive and told the director to take off the "brass" handles , seems most are best plastic ! It is possible to pay for everything and choose it before you go if you want your wishes complied with , but my children say the funeral is for the mourners and if they would have been unhappy with my choice I would be sad

Having been through this recently, I found the funeral director to be excellent. He sorted out all the arrangements and kept it simple and dignified.

I recently read/heard/saw, something about funerals and shrouds. Woolen shrouds were a way of keeping the British woolen industry going in days past. I believe that bodies, wrapped in their shroud, went straight into the ground, no coffin, but I may be wrong. So, when did burying a body in a coffin become the way to go, as it were?
I have been thinking about having pre-paid funeral plans for DH and me, but haven't done anything about it yet. Perhaps we should .
Thanks for starting this thoughtful thread Cheerytree59 and I hope you get everything sorted out satisfactorily.

With the last funeral I was closely involved in organising, the coffin was to be draped in a flag. The absolutely lovely funeral director said immediately that it was therefore sensible to have the cheapest coffin as none of it could really be seen. In the last two years I have been to two ‘significant’ funerals and found them both a real comfort in my grief- yes funerals are for the living and it’s not for us to determine how others want to mourn us.

Cheerytree is there any advantage to pre paying at this stage? Why not just have a bill afterwards having checked out their prices for basic fare?

DM offered her body to medical science but was told they had enough!
The Co-op, wicker casket, flowers from the market, friends singing and reading, cremation and the wake was a gathering at the house. Us siblings gathered and cooked beforehand while we reminisced and chose music.
She had outlived almost all her friends and winter made travelling hard .
There is a green burial ground near here when it's my turn.
Thankyou for starting this thread. It's important to know what's possible.

My husband has chosen that option SueH49 and I will abide by his wishes if he goes first in the uk.

However if we’re in Spain when it happens then it’s cremation and wake in our local bar with a later scattering of the ashes off El Torcal!

I’m still thinking I’m gonna live forever......

Absent I have talked to my daughter she knows that I want it cheap as poss and will do that for me but I want to be ahead of the game and have it done so she doesn’t have to have any words with my son who I know won’t agree I have said the same to him so I know he won’t want to accept a cheapie and yes I realise the funeral is for the living and they can have a party if that helps but my son lives so far away I d much rather him come before I die not after but I guess him and my other daughte overseas will feel they need to be there but then I won’t know so no point in worrying eh

My mother (97 next month) has decreed that she is not having a funeral. She is donating her body to medical science and hence there will not be a body to bury or cremate. In response to being told there are many people who would expect to "see her off" so to speak her reply is ...then have a party and invite them all.

I bought a wicker coffin when my husband died. Paid for a lovely church tribute in a packed church. One family wreath on the coffin, a cremation and a gathering in the local pub. This was as basic as I would go. It was a loving fitting tribute, not over the top. Ashes went into the base of a new oak tree in a `life for a life` new woodland

In the old days, people always put money by for their funeral, deep down, they always wanted a good send off. A cardboard coffin and just cremation would not have shown enough respect. Plus of course, the funeral helps to draw the line an provides the last happy memory