I miss my mother

My most heartfelt thanks to all of you for your kind words of comfort and advice..so much appreciated
Thank you Tillybelle for sharing your touching experience with us. When my mother was in hospital, more or less ten days before she died, one day she told me a dearest friend of hers had come to greet her and that she was so beautiful. That friend had passed away 3-4 years ago so I asked my mother if she still remembered that her friend was dead. She answered she was aware of that, but that she actually saw her. I didn't want to pay attention to this episode, I thought it was the consequence of having received anesthetic because of that minor gallbladder surgery....but in fact I should have heeded that message..her friend had come to prepare her for the other side
I agree, hospitals are not places for the dying..Someone had recommended a close-by hospice for terminally ill people. I had gone to ask whether they would accept my mother, the answer was positive and doctor at the hospital had prepared the papers for the transfer to the hospice..unfortunately, my mother died on the day when the transfer was scheduled

I feel your pain.but hospitals have their own agendas.you did your BESTEST. Good on you.I'll never forget when my Mother was very ill in hospital a lady came in to sing on the ward.her voice was an operatic one.gloriously sweet in a terrible situation.God bless her.hospital was St Helens. Hospitals are not places for the dying imo...that's the problem.

Dear Daisy Helen. I wonder if it would help to research your family tree and perhaps look up some of your relatives. More distant than siblings I know but still a family to belong to.
And find someone to talk to. And perhaps local recommendations for a counsellor.

I notice people I know are either afraid to talk to me or those who do simply make comments which I find very irritating, saying that I have to resign myself to her death and move on...or the I just have to think about myself...and that this is the normal process in life..

Your friends are trying to help. It is almost always the case, I observe, that sad or bereaved people transfer their anger about the sad event onto those who try to help. They are blamed for saying nothing or for anything they do say. Try to take comfort from the sympathy of others. There is nothing they can say to bring your mother back and they are truly attempting to offer words they think might ease the situation. It is not their fault that nothing but time will help.

I still miss my dad yet it's 8 yrs now since He went.i miss him for being here with sound advice and help when things were hard for me and my sons. I think of him at times bowling or trying to or just him and me sitting on the seafront eating fish and chips.i know it's hard and who has really cared for someone can get over things quickly Its a shame you can't meet others to talk to and chat and laugh about the fun times you had As for guilt we all carry some for those we love xxx

Thank you so much Tillybelle for sharing your story with us because knowing where we are going is so helpful.

Someone else said to go to church and that is such good advice DaisyHelen because you will find sympathetic help there, lots of imput and a chance to make new friends. I hope you will do it and if at first you don't find a church that 'fits' then keep trying. Big (((hugs)))

I think most people have thoughts of guilt and of things they should have done differently. I lost my Mum 2 years ago and I have days when I do feel totally sad and wish I could turn the clock back. She suffered with dementia and was in a care home at the end. I was with her when she took a turn for the worse and the end was coming. As it was some miles away the staff did not inform me that she was dying on her last evening as they did not want me to travel in the dark on the country roads. I wish I had been given the opportunity to make that decision myself. I had the call the next morning from the funeral director before the home told me of her passing. Im thankful I did not listen to their message. I look back and think of my last day with her. She was drifting in and out of very deep sleeping, but had a clear moment when she said goodbye as I had to leave. I think I should have stayed. Daisy you did everything you could and it is normal to have feelings of guilt and regret that is the normal part of grieving. It does get better and you will still have sad days but take comfort that your Mum knew you were there and doing your best. I think we know if we could go back and change things we would still have regrets that something was not done right. Unfortunately we cannot prevent the inevitable end. Your Mum knew you loved her.

DaisyHelen. I am so sorry you have lost your dear Mother. You must have been so close. I wish I could help lift the burden of worry from you about moving her to a different hospital. These things somehow hardly ever seem to work out exactly right. I really am sorry. I know people have suggested bereavement counselling. I think it can be good if the counsellor is good. Having a parent reach their 80s is a blessing but it also means they have been with you for such a very long part of your life and it is as if they leave and you have to face your own old age alone. My father died at 82 also. I loved him so much and am crying now as I mention him. But I know I am lucky I had him.

It does take time but gradually you will feel stronger. It is important to remember to eat well, I find that simple plain food is all I want when I am going through hard times. But do not forget to look after your health. If you find you cannot pick yourself up at all it might be worth a chat with your G.P.

Your own feelings and beliefs about death and religion can sometimes help at this time. I can honestly tell you that, even though I was brought up as a Christian child and sang in the Church choir, I did not have any very strong feelings or beliefs until an incredible thing happened to me.

I had just given birth to my first child. It had been difficult. It was in a "Maternity Unit" not a Hospital in a small market town and only straight forward deliveries were meant to be undertaken there. How they knew beforehand that the delivery would be "straight forward" I haven't a clue. My baby was born apparently dead. Suddenly my G.P. rushed in through a side door and started to work on her. I started to feel strange and asked if I had been given a drug. The Midwife, who was from an agency, said I had a retained placenta and my G.P. shouted "and PPH, put up the drip" to which she said she couldn't work the old kind they had there. The Doctor shouted "Stay with us" at me and rushed round the bed.

I went out of my body. I sailed up through a hole just above between my eyebrows in my forehead. I was floating in the top righthand corner of the room behind my right shoulder looking down at myself. I started laughing. I thought I looked much longer than I knew I was because I'd never seen my body before from a little way away. Then some"body" was beside me on my left and took me on a journey through what I thought was space. It was dark except there was a very bright extremely white pure light towards which we were flying very fast. As we drew nearer, there were other beings, mostly to my right and they all knew me! They were all so excitedly happy to see me! It was like a massive welcome crowd all so delighted I had come home! I felt incredibly happy! There was so much love everywhere and, as I said, everyone knew me and loved me so much! The bright light was so near now we were almost touching it. It overwhelmed everything. But it did not dazzle me. The love it was filled with made me cry but not with tears only with joy.

Then, suddenly and wordlessly, I was given a message: "Now is not the time". I was turned around and very fast whooshed through the dark space and back into the corner of the ceiling of the room and straight back into my body through the same way - the hole in my forehead.

It was now noisy and painful and frightening and the Doctor was shouting at me "Elle! Stay with us!" and I couldn't move at all. But my baby was breathing! My little girl had been resuscitated and was alive! That is why I was sent back!

For over a year - nearly two years, afterwards, I did not tell anyone. Even then I only told a few people what had happened when I went out of my body. Then a boy in the sixth form at our school was killed in a car accident. His parents were abroad. We brought them back initially to our house in the school. I had to write all of what had happened to me down so that the mother of the boy knew. I could not let her think of her son in the car dying at the side of the road. I had to tell her about the "being" (of course I think it was an angel) that came and collected me, the wonderful welcoming friends who knew me, and the immense love pouring out of this amazingly beautiful white light.

Now I am not in the least afraid of dying. Obviously I hope the bit before goes ok and isn't too horrible. But at least I know it won't last and that death is not an ending at all. It is the most wonderful, the most loving, the most perfect and welcoming, and the most Divine New Life!

It's tough having regrets around the care given to your mum - and a lot of people seem to feel like this after the death of a loved one. Does the hospital she was in have any kind of bereavement care? Maybe it would help you if you could talk through the decision making with someone, and understand why your wishes weren't heard. Otherwise, can you write to the hospital and ask why they didn't move her? It won't change anything, but it might reassure you that there was a thought process behind the decisions that were made.

Some people can be very insensitive around grief. Losing your mother must have been awful for you.

Like you, I am the last of the line having lost both my brother and sister and parents. It's horrible. I miss them all.

I recently took on a small rescue dog and would have to say that he has proved wonderfully helpful to me. He makes me laugh and he also gets me moving. I don't mean to say that a dog can replace what you have lost, not at all, just that a pet of some sort can provide companionship and love.

You have got people to talk to, who understand, we are here. Bereavement is a strange thing, it takes different people in different ways; there's no one size fits all. We all just have to get through it in our own way. Sadly a lot of people are scared to talk to the newly-bereaved about their loved one. Keep talking.

I really feel for you I was an only child and I was really close to my Mum.
I am divorced and I often feel lonely.

I am so sorry for your loss. Perhaps some wise words spoken by a friend when my mother died will help a little, as they helped me. He said, "It takes time to get used to being without ones mother, because she has always been there." I found this very true.

Feeling guilty is part of grieving but is wrong, as you have nothing to feel guilty about. You did everything you could. The hospital chose a different course to what you would have liked, and that is hard, but again it is not your fault.

It takes a long time to get over losing our mothers - certainly until a full year has passed you will find many difficult reminders.

Accepting death is hard, but please, don't listen to inconsiderate people who say you need to move on. You sound as if you are moving on, and not grieving excessively, if there even is such a thing.

Keep in touch with us here. We are many who have been through this and know what it is like.

I lost my Mum too early to a cancer. She had had a pretty dreary life and chose not to continue treatment - I went through a stage of almost feeling angry with her for 'giving in' but I soon realised it was what she had needed to do and I quickly realised both she and I, needed blessing not anger. When you first loose someone like this you always feel there could have been something you could have done but sometimes its just a series of unstoppable factors and you finally have to accept it was meant to be. I shall always miss her and pretty much everyday I find myself thinking 'what would she say about such and such'. A visit to a garden will always bring her closer as she was never happier when pottering about weeding or pruning. There are several plants that remind me so clearly of her and I am so grateful they do.

Dear DaisyHelen,

Almost two years ago my Grandma died in hospital. I grew up with her and loved her dearly, like a mother. Every weekend I would visit with my two children and I firmly believe that the joy of those visits kept her alive for as long as it did.
She was taken into hospital following a chest infection and sadly dispite being well died the day she was going to be discharged. She was alone, although I had been with her the previous afternoon. She begged me to take her home with me. I said to her that I couldn't as I'm wheelchair bound and couldn't manage her care etc that she'd need. Plus I had no spare bed.
There's not a day that goes by that I wish I had brought her home to my house or even to her own. I just wonder if things would have been different?
It's the what if's and not knowing that had something been different would the outcome be different.

I found that I had to force myself to stop thinking that way because it was starting to cloud my thoughts and my life.

Please find peace with your thoughts and feelings. I believe too that they know they were loved and are missed. Every feather that falls past me I say hi to her, silly I know but a feather from above is a reminder of those above.

Your councillor doesn't sound like she's a good match. Please find another or feel free to message me if you'd like to.

Keep your mind busy but peacefully, art, crafts, reading etc I found were relaxing for the mind, body and soul.

I'm truly sorry for your loss.

Good luck with the healing process, it's a long road, but give yourself a break and a little love and you'll make peace with your thoughts.

Lots of love xx

I think its a good idea if you are feeling lonely to go to church where you will be warmly welcomed, people will understand your grief and know how to talk to you about it. You will make new friends and going to church each week is very healing, it just drip feeds in to you and makes you feel better. I am not preaching religion, as you don't have to be religious, its just that I know it will make you feel so much better.

Fennel
My mother passed away sixteen years ago..I grieved and I wept. Not for my own loss but for my mothers loss that she had not been able to be a mother to me , in the true sense of the word. I had never lacked for the material things in life, money was no object and when becoming an adult and a mother myself I realised had been her way of showing affection.
I do miss her, and as you have said , 'we loved them in spite of everything'.

When someone dies that we are closely connected to unless we are very lucky we all experience what I call a burden of guilt. You loved your mum and of course you are going to wonder if there weren't things you could have done better. Telling yourself that however won't stop you from beating yourself up over it. Ask yourself what your mum would have to say? I am sure she would understand.
The other aspect of this is that you miss your mum. I remember when I was at work an older woman who had just lost her mum saying "it doesn't matter how old you are you will always miss your mum." You have shared experiences with your mum that no one else has and now she has gone, of course you feel lonely. Just hang in there because although you may not get over it you do learn how to cope.

DaisyHelen you could not have done more for your dear Mother. It is almost impossible to get a patient, particularly an elderly one, out of one hospital and in to another. You must have sensed that when you pressed them. You did your all. I am sorry you are so lonely and I hope that in time your grief and pain will ease.

DaisyHelen I'm sorry for your loss. I am lucky to still have my DM, she turned 90 last month, still independent & in her own home, I suffer guilt because I live 300 miles away as does my DD & 2 DGS. DM & I have discussed whether it is more difficult to lose a parent when you are older. My DF died when I was 22, I'm 63 now. I don't know the answer but we can only do the best for them. I hope your grief becomes easier to bear

DaisyHelen. I am sorry that you have lost your lovely mother.
Regarding the counsellor. I expect she was trying to show you that as she had experienced loss herself she could show empathy with you.
May your future memories of your mother be of the happy times you shared, and not of her sad passing.

Hi, and what you’re feeling is I think very natural. In time your feelings surrounding her actual death will mellow and your grief will lessen and change. But this takes years and in that time you have to learn to live with all the feelings that will come up. Sometimes we need support from people not connected to our lives at times like this. Friends often fall by the wayside and it’s always good to try some new things when you feel up to it (maybe later this year?) and perhaps make some new friends. Acceptance will come in time and the more we brush it away and pretend that it’s all fine, the worse it can be. Be kind and gentle to yourself. Allow yourself to vent your feelings but also make sure you have other times to do ‘ordinary’ things. Losing a parent is a huge life event for each of us. Know that the support is there..and here..whenever you need it. I hope things feel a little easier soon.

My Mum died in 2002 aged 87, and I still miss her. We were always close but very different - we got on eachother's nerves.
TG I was living near her in her last years so did what I could, but still think it wasn't enough. As the years go by and I become old I appreciate her strengths much more.
Talking and writing about them preserves their memory - and you never know they might still be watching and hearing how we loved them in spite of everything.

I was sent this by a friend recently after she lost er husband. I think it is from a book
Grief is an emotional response to loss such as death of a loved one, end of a cherished relationship or losing ones health. Grief is a healthy and healing response to loss both psychologically and spiritually and it is a pity it is portrayed so negatively in our culture. It is seen as something unpleasant to get through and we often retreat from the world in order to get through it and emerge ready to reconnect with the world and be bright and chirpy. However, this is the fear and avoidance of grief and a profound misunderstanding of its purpose. Essentially there are two types of emotions, those that separate us from ourselves, others and and life (fear, anger, envy, bitterness, resentment, depression, despair) and those that connect us to ourselves, others and life (joy, peace, love, awe, serenity, sadness and grief). When we grieve well it opens rather than closes the heart – this is why it heals. Grief picks you up from the depths of your despair and frees you to move forward again. I used to buy into the myth that grief can help you find ‘closure’. It doesn’t. It passes through our lives like a river through mountains or the flow of blood through veins. It is emotional oxygen, as vital to our health and wellbeing as the air we breath and the water we drink. It is our best response to regret, loss, bereavement, hurt, disappointment and change. It is the transitional bridge between the life we wanted or expected to live to the life we are actually living, the one riddled with out-of-the-blue setbacks and let downs.

Thank you SO much for sharing your personal experience with me and for the so much appreciated words of comfort..they're like a balm to my soul...
I agree with you that for a counsellor to talk about their personal experience is not a sign of competence...I was also surprised that she started talking about how she felt the times she went through grief while I was sitting there in tears...
Have you maybe read books that you have found helpful when going through the grieving process? Thank you