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I miss my mother

(47 Posts)
DaisyHelen Sat 30-Mar-19 11:04:48

Hello, I lost my mother last December and I sorely miss her. She was 82 and I feel she was not well cared for in the hospital where she was staying. I had insisted with the doctors she should be transferred to another more specialized hospital, but to no avail. I feel guilty for not having been able to have her transferred to another hospital.
I'm an only child and with my mother passing away I have no other family member left. And I feel so lonely.
I notice people I know are either afraid to talk to me or those who do simply make comments which I find very irritating, saying that I have to resign myself to her death and move on...or the I just have to think about myself...and that this is the normal process in life..
Just wanted to share

midgey Sat 30-Mar-19 11:10:26

Losing my mother was when I really understood the meaning of the word ‘bereft’. It must be very difficult for you to feel so alone, time does help but it is different for all of us.

loopyloo Sat 30-Mar-19 11:13:57

Daisy Helen. Am so sorry about this. Do talk to us about this. Could you get some bereavement counselling?
My mother had her stroke on Mothering Sunday and she came to live with us for ten years and I know I could have done it better. Probably moving to another hospital would not have helped. I am sure you did your best.

Grammaretto Sat 30-Mar-19 11:31:02

You must not have any regrets and don't blame yourself. You are not responsible for her death. Try to structure your days so that there is less time to sit and mourn.
Accept help too from wherever it comes.
Try to be brave! flowers

silverlining48 Sat 30-Mar-19 11:37:51

There are always regrets but you did your best to care fir your mum and she will have known that.
Take time to adjust, it’s hard at first, but gradually you will begin to accept and hopefully aS time goes by you will feel more at peace. Use this forum fir support, there are many here who understand.

crazyH Sat 30-Mar-19 11:40:57

Oh my poor, poor mother ! Left her thousands of miles away, to come here for a better life. I was the youngest of 9 children....we all left for foreign lands. What a selfless woman she was, never complained, just wanted the best for us. She must have been so lonely towards the end. Wish I had gone down to visit more often. But money and commitments here, overtook my life. Sorry you always ?❤️?Xx

trisher Sat 30-Mar-19 11:52:53

DaisyHelen deepest sympathies. I think one of the problems with losing a mum who is older is that people somehow think you should be less distressed, simply because they lived a long life. I think the situation is that much worse. We grow away from our parents, have our own families and then have a new relationship with them which depends on us supplying comfort and care . When they die we feel bereft. I can only say be kind to yourself. Try to find something new to interest and occupy you. You will have days when you feel unable to face the world and that is fine, just get through them. As you have no close family I wonder if there is any extended family out there you could try to make contact with.

crazyH Sat 30-Mar-19 12:03:58

Daisy Helen, how selfish of me, talking about sorry you are feeling this way.
Surround yourself with 'good' friends. Your friends probably don't want to upset you and are probably trying to comfort you in their own way. Open up to them, tell them how you're feeling, tell them stories about your Mum. Talking is very therapeutic.

EllanVannin Sat 30-Mar-19 12:05:49

I remain ever thankful that I'd stayed at the hospital where my mother died. I was about 12 miles away, no transport and I was working. I took a weeks unpaid leave and went over the water to stay in her house until the time was getting nearer then I stayed over at the hospital.

I was with mum for 24 hours when she was in and out of consciousness and she knew I was there so was settled. Brother and family were on holiday at the time. This was in 1986 but remains as vivid as though it was last week.

She was pain-free and very calm and restful and just went to sleep at 67 year of age. I still miss her and have done over the years but I have no regrets whatsoever at the way she'd been cared for in hospital and also the fact that I'd been with her during her last week. What could have been better ?

GrannyGravy13 Sat 30-Mar-19 12:46:53

DaisyHelen it was this day two years ago that my Mum left my house for the Hospice, she died 9 days later. I feel so guilty that I couldn't care for her in my home till the end. Unfortunately she needed expert care and pain relief that I was not qualified or able to give.

She had lived with us for 4 months, when she became too poorly to,cope on her own.

DaisyHelen, it is difficult not to feel guilty, that feeling of if only I had done more is I think a natural reaction. Please be kind to yourself ???

In time you will be able to remember your dear Mum with a smile, I can sometimes, but on Mothers Day, her Birthday and Christmas (which she absolutely loved) the tears are never far away.

BlueBelle Sat 30-Mar-19 15:32:04

Oh dear I do feel for you Daisy and can totally understand your loneliness and bereft feeling after all it’s still a very recent loss a huge hole to fill
I understand how you feel my mum and dad died the same year, 7 years ago, I miss them both so much I too am an only child and I too can beat myself up about everything I never ever think of all the things I did do for Mum and Dad I always seem to remember the things I didn’t do, Mum had very sever Alzheimer’s and in the last few years couldn’t walk, talk, couldn’t hear could see little, couldn’t take herself to the loo, didn’t know me, was sometimes aggressive and I always think of the things I should have done differently how I should have handled it what I should have said She was in a residential home that seemed ok but I was often unsure if I found her wet or upset but I didn’t know what else to do I visited every day after work and wouldn’t have been able to if I moved her and it’s so hard to know how good it is when you are only there for an hour or so
Allow yourself to grieve Daisy it really is very early days and a huge hole left in your life

Luckygirl Sat 30-Mar-19 16:24:26

Death always brings guilt in its wake, however good a relationship might have been, and however hard you tried to get the best for her. It is all part of the process. I am so sorry you are feeling so bereft; but please do not add to that burden by carrying unnecessary negative feelings about what might have been. I send you all good wishes as you go through this difficult process - as others have said a bit of counselling might be a help to you. flowers

LullyDully Sat 30-Mar-19 16:36:47

Yesluckygirl is right. I had 6 sessions of counselling when my mum died. It was so helpful. I laughed and cried. It helped me remember my dear mother before her final illness which went on for 6 months. No regrets just love left in my heart for both parents. They died at 89/ 94. It is still a shock to the " child" part of you left inside.

It was 20 years ago ( surely not? )....the love remains. Take care daisy, it will get better.

DaisyHelen Sat 30-Mar-19 17:28:48

I wish to thank all of you so much for taking the time to write and give me compfort in answer to my message. I wish I could go back and re-live the whole situation once again and of course take different decisions. When my mother was hospitalized last November, her condition didn't sound too serious..I could have never imagined that her health would deteriorate so quickly...she had always been very active, was living on her own, she was very independent, she had just had her driving license renewed for two more years...
I also remained at her bedside night and day her last four days, after I was told by the medical staff there was nothing else that could be done...she was no longer responding, kept her eyes wide open but didn't talk nor did she recognize me...I wonder if she could feel my presence..I kept talking to her, telling her I loved her, and I used to give her some massage in her arms and hands...I had peppermint essential oil with me, put a couple of drops on a tissue to help her breathe more easily as she was on oxygen
I had a couple of consultations with a counsellor, but she kept talking about how she felt when she lost members of her not too sure she'll be able helpful

silverlining48 Sat 30-Mar-19 21:01:15

Counsellors should never talk about their own personal problems. So wrong that this happened. I was on ce in a similar situation so understand how unhelpful it is. Sending good wishes to you, especially for tomorrow.

genie10 Sat 30-Mar-19 21:17:13

So sorry for your loss DaisyHelen. I think there are very few people who have no regrets that they could have done things differently but it sounds as if you gave your mum a lot of love for her last days. It is widely held that hearing is still there even when other senses have diminished, so I am sure your mum will have felt comforted by your presence. The sadness doesn't go away but it does become easier to bear in time.

Anniebach Sat 30-Mar-19 21:31:08

DaisyHelen feeling guilt is part of grief as is anger and other emotions . Your mother felt your touch, heard your voice, knew you were with her and knew you loved her .

It has only been four months, please be kind to yourself. I am concerned you have no family to share your thoughts with, there will always be listening ears here for you. X

LullyDully Sun 31-Mar-19 08:20:50

daisy it sounds to me that you did all you could in the last few days. I sang to my mum. A sad time for you. Take

Luckygirl Sun 31-Mar-19 09:50:20

How wonderful that you were with her and giving her all your love and all those personal touches at the end.

All we are able to do is our best - often we feel it falls short when in reality it is all we can give and all that is needed.

And I am disappointed to hear that your counsellor was so unprofessional - that is no hep to you. Perhaps try again with a new person?

Harris27 Sun 31-Mar-19 09:58:16

I'm sure you did your best as we have our mam died this week and we have gone over all what we have done and know she died knowing we were there and visited every week younhavev done your best realise this and try and move onbless you X

TerryM Sun 31-Mar-19 10:04:30

Please accept my condolences on your loss
My father died in 2014 and mum promptly went into care due to dementia . She died Dec 2016.
She became very aggressive and it was a difficult time
Mum wasn't the most easy of mothers but as I have said to many people she may have been a cranky old so and so but she was my cranky old so so
I miss them both. I still talk to them
I too am an only child.

trisher Sun 31-Mar-19 10:33:36

DaisyHelen your mother sounds to have been a remarkable woman for her age. You absolutely did your best for her and she lived an active life almost until the very end. It was a shock for you and you need to take time to get over it. But I am sure she would tell you that it was an easy way for her to go. Sudden deaths are harder for those left behind to deal with. Your counsellor sounds useless. Much better to turn to GN.

DaisyHelen Sun 31-Mar-19 12:38:08

Thank you SO much for sharing your personal experience with me and for the so much appreciated words of comfort..they're like a balm to my soul...
I agree with you that for a counsellor to talk about their personal experience is not a sign of competence...I was also surprised that she started talking about how she felt the times she went through grief while I was sitting there in tears...
Have you maybe read books that you have found helpful when going through the grieving process? Thank you

trisher Sun 31-Mar-19 16:08:48

I was sent this by a friend recently after she lost er husband. I think it is from a book
Grief is an emotional response to loss such as death of a loved one, end of a cherished relationship or losing ones health. Grief is a healthy and healing response to loss both psychologically and spiritually and it is a pity it is portrayed so negatively in our culture. It is seen as something unpleasant to get through and we often retreat from the world in order to get through it and emerge ready to reconnect with the world and be bright and chirpy. However, this is the fear and avoidance of grief and a profound misunderstanding of its purpose. Essentially there are two types of emotions, those that separate us from ourselves, others and and life (fear, anger, envy, bitterness, resentment, depression, despair) and those that connect us to ourselves, others and life (joy, peace, love, awe, serenity, sadness and grief). When we grieve well it opens rather than closes the heart – this is why it heals. Grief picks you up from the depths of your despair and frees you to move forward again. I used to buy into the myth that grief can help you find ‘closure’. It doesn’t. It passes through our lives like a river through mountains or the flow of blood through veins. It is emotional oxygen, as vital to our health and wellbeing as the air we breath and the water we drink. It is our best response to regret, loss, bereavement, hurt, disappointment and change. It is the transitional bridge between the life we wanted or expected to live to the life we are actually living, the one riddled with out-of-the-blue setbacks and let downs.

Fennel Sun 31-Mar-19 17:27:02

My Mum died in 2002 aged 87, and I still miss her. We were always close but very different - we got on eachother's nerves.
TG I was living near her in her last years so did what I could, but still think it wasn't enough. As the years go by and I become old I appreciate her strengths much more.
Talking and writing about them preserves their memory - and you never know they might still be watching and hearing how we loved them in spite of everything.