Am I being uncaring and insensitive following my loss

Well... this is my first ever tentative post on these forums and I am overwhelmed by the compassion and empathy that has been wrapped up in your heartfelt words of comfort.

I am going to re-read all your lovely advice and sleep on it.

I will write again tomorrow.

Just want to say Thankyou.

Every day is a Burden worn like a heavy coat but mother’s day is always especially hard.
In

Chloe took her own life the summer of 2009 age just 30yrs 7months and 5 days. Forever broken, forever changed.

to all those who dread Mother's Day as I do.
My daughter took her life 12 years ago. Most of the people who knew her have drifted away and those who are still around never mention her unless I speak about her first.
While your DD is still in the forefront of your mind your friend probably doesn't think about her much at all. She was insensitive and cruel but not intentionally so.
If you want to keep her as a friend I would let her know, tactfully, how hurtful her remarks were.

Perhaps your friend has already realised that she has been very thoughtless.
None of us know what sort of relationship you have with her.
I have a friend that sometimes says quite hurtful things but because I’m quite a strong, happy person I take no notice.
She has upset a lot of others though. I think she’s a bit autistic. Is your friend a little bit like that?
I can’t imagine what I would feel like if I had suffered the loss that you and many other son GN have. You will all have been devastated
think carefully before responding negatively. You may feel worse afterwards if you do.

My daughter took her life 15 months ago, her life ended,my world ended.

I accept people’s lives go on, happiness and sadness. Your friend is sad and she shared her sadness with you , i don’t think she was being thoughtless , the 10 years since your daughters death seems like yesterday for you but not for your friend.

I know tomorrow will cause much sadness for you, me and others here who have lost their beloved child but it will be a happy day for many and it should be.

Let tomorrow pass, and pass it will .

Hugs x

I do understand why you feel upset at your friend's unhappy outpouring.

Your friend should perhaps have realised that her remarks might well cause hurt but I am sure she would be most upset to know that they had. Sometimes when we're wrapped up in our own unhappiness it's difficult to focus on what is happening, or has happened, in other people's lives.

Personally, I think it would be unkind to tell your friend that you wished your daughter was only three hours away. What purpose would it serve other than to make her feel guilty and even more upset? Would it make you feel better?

I am sure this is just thoughtless, rather than deliberately uncaring of her. I do not blame you for feeling hurt though - her worries pale into insignificance against your lifelong burden. Please do not take it personally - I am sure she is just venting her disappointment. And unfortunately some people do not understand the persistence of grief and may assume that it is in the past so out of mind - how wrong they are.

I'm sorry to write again but I do feel quite strongly that she may simply have been thoughtless. Haven't we all at some point said something tactless without thinking? Are you sure it was deliberate? If not, why not just let it lie and try not to dwell on it?

When DS died someone said in an email that he had 'chosen this path', they clearly thought it was suicide because it was a surprise, it wasn't. I bit straight back, not very politely, and they didn't respond. End of friendship for me. I don't regret that but it appears this is the first tactless/thoughtless thing your friend has said in 3 years during which you have probably shared many different things and not always about your loss. Could you not just let it go as a one off? If it happens again you will be ready for it and have a tactful response ready. It seems a shame to ruin a good friendship for something she probably didn't mean.

Happy ally, I am so for the death of your daughter. I know how the pain never leaves you, but with suicide there's all the what ifs, so your loss is so much harder. I wish I could help. I am sorry if this sounds mean, but my response would be, that you wish with all your heart your daughter was just three hours away. Let her think on that. What an awful thing to say to you. It much be doubly hard when Mother's Day comes round and I'm sure you remember the happy times you had together, despite the sadness she is no longer physically here but carried in your heart. Sending you ?

After haveing lost 2 siblings to suicide and going through life with the myriad of things that suicide causes to those left behind I feel your friend must be either very thick or without feelings. Most likely the first. So probably no point mentioning your feelings as emotionally thick people are unable to understand how their unthinking remarks can cause upset. As the saying goes 'let it go' and her with it!

You're neither uncaring or insensitive to this woman. She's completely thoughtless to your anguish when reading her message because she's so wrapped up in her 'devastation'

Every day living with loss is hard but tomorrow will be especially difficult so do as B9 suggests let time pass before replying.

My Granddaughter would have been 5 years old last Monday so I do have some understanding of the pain you feel and people's thoughtless comments.

HappyAlly I feel so sad for you and I also think your disappointment in your friend is totally justified
I think it is right for you to say something to her and I think B9 has put it well Its so selfish to not be thinking of your feelings over something so delicate and hurtful People get so caught up in their own minor things that they forget to feel compassion for someone who really has a problem and she needs reminding, not in anger but in heartfelt grief her throw away comment has caused

Try to be sympathetic in your response as she is hurting and has reached out to you for comfort. Maybe you could gently say to her to her that it could be so so much worse.
I am so sorry for your loss - I don't know how you bear it x

I hope it helps you to stop feeling angry and emotional when I tell you that when I was in a similar frame of mind I told my sister off big time! Not only did expressing how I felt change the dynamic of our relationship but her marriage and view of life and death-

But not all relationships survive a lashing like that ..

I have empathy for everyone who hasn't been emotionally steamrolled by loss - I do - But at the same time that's not my burden to carry "on top of" the weight of my loss- Its theirs- And when the opportunity arises to make others in my life that I care about aware of that fact I tell them so -

So before saying anything in response to her comments, determine how much she means to you and if the relationship can survive the truth -

So very sorry for the loss of your daughter Happyally it's always with you isn't it.

People get wrapped up in their own problems and often can't see the wood for the trees. I agree with B9 and would be inclined to say much the same thing. It would help your friend get things more in perspective.

Anja, that’s so right. X

a parent never gets over the loss of a child, particularly a tragic loss, no matter how many years go by. Parents don't ever forget but others do, especially if a good few years have passed. I personally would have to tell her how insensitve she is and to think herslef lucky that her child is a mere three hours away

I would leave it a week, then say something like 'I know how much you must be dreading them moving far away, but I would give absolutely anything to have my daughter back and only three hours away.' She will probably come back with abject apologies for her thoughlessness, which is all it is.

Happyally55, you’ve every right to feel angry at these insensitive fools! I can only imagine what you’re going through. 3 of my 4 sons live in London (3 hours away). They’re getting on with their lives and we visit each other regularly. For heaven’s sake, to moan to you about 3 hours travelling is the height of thoughtlessness! Facebook is so fake, I came off it. Take no notice of such silly people! Have an angry rant and get it out of your system. Maybe you could get your point across to that mother by eventually replying “sorry for the late reply, but I find Mothers Day such an ordeal, I can barely hold it together, that’s when I miss (name) the most”. Mind you, she might be so self obsessed, it could sail right over her head! xx ???

Wise words Nonnie

Let this pass. She is not being insensitive. Her hurt is in the here and now.

I lost my grandson 10 years ago. I would not expect a friend to be unable to talk about her own feelings because of this, Find the words of comfort for her, remembering how you drew comfort from true friends in your loss.

Actually I think you should say to your friend that at least she has a daughter only 3 hours away. I'm not just being mean here, it might help her to realise that her daughter's move isn't the end of her world. It might also give her pause for thought regarding her own tactlessness.
You poor soul though. Your daughter. I'm so sorry.

Perhaps just thoughtless? If you are in regular contact, talking about a variety of things, she may have been feeling emotional and just poured her heart out without thinking.

My grief is more recent than yours which means I do recognise how you feel. For me things have become very black or white and I wonder if there are times when I react too quickly. If all else is good I should let it pass.

Happy it is true what others have said, your friend is being insensitive but unfortunately although 3 hours is nothing, to her it is a major change.
Sometimes we are all guilty of not thinking before we speak.
I am so sorry you lost your daughter, nothing can make that better.

i am so sorry and sad for you. Your friend is very insensitive. I have a parallel in my own life and I know it is hard not to be angry and hurt when people completely overlook my reality when feeling sorry for themselves.
When it happens I tend to go silent.

To be honest I think you should not respond, let your friend work it out for herself. She will hopefully see that she needs to be more sensitive in the future.

I've sent you a PM Happyally.

Happyally....so sorry for your loss. Any loss is bad enough, but the loss of a child must be unbearable.
How insensitive can people be. Don't take it to heart. Unless they have been through it, they will never understand your pain. Ofcourse you're hurt and angry....you are allowed those emotions .