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Bereavement

Am I being uncaring and insensitive following my loss

(78 Posts)
Happyally55 Sat 30-Mar-19 11:58:41

I’m at war with myself... almost 10 years ago now I lost my 20 yr old daughter to suicide and to say it knocked my world off it’s axis is an understatement.

I keep in contact, albeit irregularly now, with The mother of a good school friend of my daughters who yesterday messaged me to say how devastated she was that her daughter was moving 3 hrs away for a new life with her boyfriend. She contemplated life not being ‘round the corner’ and when grandchildren arrive and how sad she was. Normally I respond straight away but her words have made me sad & angry so I have not replied yet. I am struggling when I really want to shout that her daughter is not dead like mine, that 3hrs is nothing in the grand scheme of things, that my daughter won’t ever feel the wonderment of holding her own baby let alone me holding a grandchild.

I’m just asking for advice on what I can say when to be honest I feel she is being a) insensitive to me (especially as Mother’s Day is tomorrow and I will forever be broken) and b) over reacting when 3hrs is a mornings travel that’s all whereas I do t ever see my daughter again 🙁

Just to add a work colleague has this morning posted an emotional message on Facebook that she experienced a terrible dream last night from which she awoke in tears as she dreamed all who she loved were taken from her. A subsequent ‘pity party’ of supportive messages followed. Oh my god it was just a dream!!!!

Help me stop feeling so angry and emotional please. 😥😥

EllanVannin Sat 30-Mar-19 12:43:51

These are the normal feelings of bereavement even after so many years. Until such things happen to others I'm afraid that they have no conception of how anyone else feels.

eazybee Sat 30-Mar-19 12:48:43

I am so very sorry for your terrible loss.
You are absolutely justified in feeling as you do; your friend is thoughtless and insensitive.
Whether you say anything is another matter.
Leave it until you feel completely calm, which may be never.
If/When she brings it up again have something simple and succinct prepared, such as: 'at least you will see your daughter again; I never will'.
Then go.

crazyH Sat 30-Mar-19 12:51:58

Happyally....so sorry for your loss. Any loss is bad enough, but the loss of a child must be unbearable.
How insensitive can people be. Don't take it to heart. Unless they have been through it, they will never understand your pain. Ofcourse you're hurt and angry....you are allowed those emotions . flowers

H1954 Sat 30-Mar-19 12:54:41

I've sent you a PM Happyally.

pinkquartz Sat 30-Mar-19 13:01:02

i am so sorry and sad for you. Your friend is very insensitive. I have a parallel in my own life and I know it is hard not to be angry and hurt when people completely overlook my reality when feeling sorry for themselves.
When it happens I tend to go silent.

To be honest I think you should not respond, let your friend work it out for herself. She will hopefully see that she needs to be more sensitive in the future.

dragonfly46 Sat 30-Mar-19 13:02:00

Happy it is true what others have said, your friend is being insensitive but unfortunately although 3 hours is nothing, to her it is a major change.
Sometimes we are all guilty of not thinking before we speak.
I am so sorry you lost your daughter, nothing can make that better.

Nonnie Sat 30-Mar-19 13:16:29

Perhaps just thoughtless? If you are in regular contact, talking about a variety of things, she may have been feeling emotional and just poured her heart out without thinking.

My grief is more recent than yours which means I do recognise how you feel. For me things have become very black or white and I wonder if there are times when I react too quickly. If all else is good I should let it pass.

Jane10 Sat 30-Mar-19 13:23:47

Actually I think you should say to your friend that at least she has a daughter only 3 hours away. I'm not just being mean here, it might help her to realise that her daughter's move isn't the end of her world. It might also give her pause for thought regarding her own tactlessness.
You poor soul though. Your daughter. I'm so sorry. thanks

Anja Sat 30-Mar-19 13:29:03

Wise words Nonnie

Let this pass. She is not being insensitive. Her hurt is in the here and now.

I lost my grandson 10 years ago. I would not expect a friend to be unable to talk about her own feelings because of this, Find the words of comfort for her, remembering how you drew comfort from true friends in your loss.

Sophiesox Sat 30-Mar-19 13:32:31

Happyally55, you’ve every right to feel angry at these insensitive fools! I can only imagine what you’re going through. 3 of my 4 sons live in London (3 hours away). They’re getting on with their lives and we visit each other regularly. For heaven’s sake, to moan to you about 3 hours travelling is the height of thoughtlessness! Facebook is so fake, I came off it. Take no notice of such silly people! Have an angry rant and get it out of your system. Maybe you could get your point across to that mother by eventually replying “sorry for the late reply, but I find Mothers Day such an ordeal, I can barely hold it together, that’s when I miss (name) the most”. Mind you, she might be so self obsessed, it could sail right over her head! xx 💐💐💐

B9exchange Sat 30-Mar-19 13:36:42

I would leave it a week, then say something like 'I know how much you must be dreading them moving far away, but I would give absolutely anything to have my daughter back and only three hours away.' She will probably come back with abject apologies for her thoughlessness, which is all it is.

fizzers Sat 30-Mar-19 13:40:09

a parent never gets over the loss of a child, particularly a tragic loss, no matter how many years go by. Parents don't ever forget but others do, especially if a good few years have passed. I personally would have to tell her how insensitve she is and to think herslef lucky that her child is a mere three hours away

Ohmother Sat 30-Mar-19 13:42:18

Anja, that’s so right. X

sodapop Sat 30-Mar-19 13:46:22

So very sorry for the loss of your daughter Happyally it's always with you isn't it.

People get wrapped up in their own problems and often can't see the wood for the trees. I agree with B9 and would be inclined to say much the same thing. It would help your friend get things more in perspective.

rosecarmel Sat 30-Mar-19 13:56:11

I hope it helps you to stop feeling angry and emotional when I tell you that when I was in a similar frame of mind I told my sister off big time! Not only did expressing how I felt change the dynamic of our relationship but her marriage and view of life and death-

But not all relationships survive a lashing like that ..

I have empathy for everyone who hasn't been emotionally steamrolled by loss - I do - But at the same time that's not my burden to carry "on top of" the weight of my loss- Its theirs- And when the opportunity arises to make others in my life that I care about aware of that fact I tell them so -

So before saying anything in response to her comments, determine how much she means to you and if the relationship can survive the truth -

leyla Sat 30-Mar-19 14:10:17

Try to be sympathetic in your response as she is hurting and has reached out to you for comfort. Maybe you could gently say to her to her that it could be so so much worse.
I am so sorry for your loss - I don't know how you bear it x

BlueBelle Sat 30-Mar-19 14:14:50

HappyAlly I feel so sad for you and I also think your disappointment in your friend is totally justified
I think it is right for you to say something to her and I think B9 has put it well Its so selfish to not be thinking of your feelings over something so delicate and hurtful People get so caught up in their own minor things that they forget to feel compassion for someone who really has a problem and she needs reminding, not in anger but in heartfelt grief her throw away comment has caused

Wobbles Sat 30-Mar-19 14:31:21

You're neither uncaring or insensitive to this woman. She's completely thoughtless to your anguish when reading her message because she's so wrapped up in her 'devastation'

Every day living with loss is hard but tomorrow will be especially difficult so do as B9 suggests let time pass before replying.

My Granddaughter would have been 5 years old last Monday so I do have some understanding of the pain you feel and people's thoughtless comments.
flowers

TerriT Sat 30-Mar-19 14:41:09

After haveing lost 2 siblings to suicide and going through life with the myriad of things that suicide causes to those left behind I feel your friend must be either very thick or without feelings. Most likely the first. So probably no point mentioning your feelings as emotionally thick people are unable to understand how their unthinking remarks can cause upset. As the saying goes 'let it go' and her with it!

Cosmos Sat 30-Mar-19 15:01:18

Happy ally, I am so for the death of your daughter. I know how the pain never leaves you, but with suicide there's all the what ifs, so your loss is so much harder. I wish I could help. I am sorry if this sounds mean, but my response would be, that you wish with all your heart your daughter was just three hours away. Let her think on that. What an awful thing to say to you. It much be doubly hard when Mother's Day comes round and I'm sure you remember the happy times you had together, despite the sadness she is no longer physically here but carried in your heart. Sending you 💐

Nonnie Sat 30-Mar-19 16:07:48

I'm sorry to write again but I do feel quite strongly that she may simply have been thoughtless. Haven't we all at some point said something tactless without thinking? Are you sure it was deliberate? If not, why not just let it lie and try not to dwell on it?

When DS died someone said in an email that he had 'chosen this path', they clearly thought it was suicide because it was a surprise, it wasn't. I bit straight back, not very politely, and they didn't respond. End of friendship for me. I don't regret that but it appears this is the first tactless/thoughtless thing your friend has said in 3 years during which you have probably shared many different things and not always about your loss. Could you not just let it go as a one off? If it happens again you will be ready for it and have a tactful response ready. It seems a shame to ruin a good friendship for something she probably didn't mean.

Luckygirl Sat 30-Mar-19 16:18:52

I am sure this is just thoughtless, rather than deliberately uncaring of her. I do not blame you for feeling hurt though - her worries pale into insignificance against your lifelong burden. Please do not take it personally - I am sure she is just venting her disappointment. And unfortunately some people do not understand the persistence of grief and may assume that it is in the past so out of mind - how wrong they are. flowers

Eloethan Sat 30-Mar-19 16:58:10

I do understand why you feel upset at your friend's unhappy outpouring.

Your friend should perhaps have realised that her remarks might well cause hurt but I am sure she would be most upset to know that they had. Sometimes when we're wrapped up in our own unhappiness it's difficult to focus on what is happening, or has happened, in other people's lives.

Personally, I think it would be unkind to tell your friend that you wished your daughter was only three hours away. What purpose would it serve other than to make her feel guilty and even more upset? Would it make you feel better?

Anniebach Sat 30-Mar-19 17:13:01

My daughter took her life 15 months ago, her life ended,my world ended.

I accept people’s lives go on, happiness and sadness. Your friend is sad and she shared her sadness with you , i don’t think she was being thoughtless , the 10 years since your daughters death seems like yesterday for you but not for your friend.

I know tomorrow will cause much sadness for you, me and others here who have lost their beloved child but it will be a happy day for many and it should be.

Let tomorrow pass, and pass it will .

Hugs x