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Bereavement

Am I being uncaring and insensitive following my loss

(79 Posts)
Happyally55 Sat 30-Mar-19 11:58:41

I’m at war with myself... almost 10 years ago now I lost my 20 yr old daughter to suicide and to say it knocked my world off it’s axis is an understatement.

I keep in contact, albeit irregularly now, with The mother of a good school friend of my daughters who yesterday messaged me to say how devastated she was that her daughter was moving 3 hrs away for a new life with her boyfriend. She contemplated life not being ‘round the corner’ and when grandchildren arrive and how sad she was. Normally I respond straight away but her words have made me sad & angry so I have not replied yet. I am struggling when I really want to shout that her daughter is not dead like mine, that 3hrs is nothing in the grand scheme of things, that my daughter won’t ever feel the wonderment of holding her own baby let alone me holding a grandchild.

I’m just asking for advice on what I can say when to be honest I feel she is being a) insensitive to me (especially as Mother’s Day is tomorrow and I will forever be broken) and b) over reacting when 3hrs is a mornings travel that’s all whereas I do t ever see my daughter again 🙁

Just to add a work colleague has this morning posted an emotional message on Facebook that she experienced a terrible dream last night from which she awoke in tears as she dreamed all who she loved were taken from her. A subsequent ‘pity party’ of supportive messages followed. Oh my god it was just a dream!!!!

Help me stop feeling so angry and emotional please. 😥😥

Happyally55 Mon 01-Apr-19 11:21:38

Thankyou everyone for your thoughtful words of empathy and support.

For the moment I have decided not to respond at all. I believe she is the sort of person who will read back over her message and knowing the absence of a reply will eventually feel terrible for upsetting me with thoughtless words.

Heartfelt Thanks to all xxx

jaylucy Mon 01-Apr-19 11:34:47

Sorry, but I don't think the friend is being insensitive as others do !
Your friend's life has carried on, along with her daughter, while yours has been on hold after the very sad loss of your own.
I know you feel that no one else has suffered as you have, and maybe that is true, but your friend, just wants for you to be a friend and commiserate with her. Unless you have lost a child of your own, you can't realise that your grieving in some form will carry on until your last breath. It does not mean that you cannot be supportive to other people who are struggling with dealing with problems in their own life, no matter how minor you feel them to be!
Take a deep breath, give your friend the time that she currently feels she needs - she may have real fears that once her daughter is away from her, that something drastic may happen to her as did your daughter.

Sandieanne Mon 01-Apr-19 11:55:21

I too have lost a ds and people imagine that because time has passed and you dont mention it all the time that it is not constantly on your mind. I agree with Annie. I think people are just wrapped up in their own lives. Let it go for your own sanity.