My brother died this week

Don’t beat yourself up. Be kind to yourself. When my father died I was not very upset as he had taken it out on me as a youngster because I was my mothers daughter who he was divorced from. Look forward to better times.

Oh no Bathsheba my nephew was my brother's son. I should have made that clear. This particular sister has no children.

Not making this about me, but I went to see my nephew every day to support his mum and dad and I was there when he died. Did my sister think I wasn't upset?

Jeannie 99
I can to an extent understand how you feel. Sad to say, but l have an elderly son who displays similar tendencies
I had cancer twice, but no calls to see how l was recovering. And very little contact since.

"You will also probably be mourning the loss of the type of brother you would have liked to have had."

You are so right kittylester, that's exactly how I felt when my dad died aged 95. Not a good family man but, unlike jeanie 99's brother, he was a principled individual and had redeeming qualities that made others admire him greatly. I just wish he hadn't been such a difficult and selfish husband and father - it could have been so different.
In jeanie's case at least it's clear that he is not worth mourning.

I can't tell you how upset I have been this week when all the memories came flooding back.
Thank you everyone for opening up to me of your own experiences with family issues it seems I'm not the only one who has uncaring family members.
J

Jeanie, I would just live your life and take each day as it comes. As you said, he did his own thing. Grieve for you mother but I wouldnt waste you time, strength and energy on him. You are a lovely person so dont beat yourself up about all of this. Take care.x

My brother refused to have any contact with me after both my parents had passed away. I sent my sil a birthday present only to have it returned to me on the anniversary of my son's death - reader I cried. We invited them to my d's wedding pointing out life was too short for all of this, especially remembering my son who died at the age of 18. The refused to come and addressed their reply to Mr and Mrs.
I agonised for a long long time before finally accepting I no longer had a brother. Sadly, you no longer had a brother some time ago but it does take some getting used to. Just lay him to rest. There may be some happy memories of when you were young. Sadly, mine are of abuse which I have only just admitted to. Things are not always what we wish them to be and through no fault of our own.

I’m so sorry for your news. I too lost a brother. You are sounding angry as you feel you haven’t had closure . Don’t let this become part of your life . It’s a beautiful sunny day today and life is continuing. Be part of it in a positive way .

Jeanie Some people aren't worth the pain you take care of yourself

It's a shame and I expect 'unfinished business' doesn't help. I would try to put him out of your mind if you can.

I also have a brother like this. We used to be very close but since he married his second wife, he appears to have gradually withdrawn all contact. Our mother had cancer and died last Christmas day but he never contacted her, not even when she was in a hospice and he knew she did not have long to go. For my part, I still keep sending him Christmas cards etc in the hope he may come back to us.

Oh Jeanie, I'm sorry for your loss, but also understand your feelings, my brother is still alive, though we haven't spoken in over nine years, he lies, makes up stories, stabs you in the back and thinks it's ok to do so, People say "blood is thicker than water" but sometimes blood is diluted XX hugs xxx

as the saying goes-

'it's not that you didn't care enough it's that he didn't care at all.

I would feel the same. don't beat yourself up. xx

Death of relatives brings up so many unpleasant and painful emotions at times, and also guilt for feeling that way (possibly!). Yet your family are in a sense no different from anyone else in that they can grate, do and say unpleasant, cruel and thoughtless things and we might dislike them intensely.
My own feeling is that it's best to accept how you feel and allow yourself to not grieve if that feels right. You will never settle old scores, so any pain and resentment needs to be dealt with somehow or these feelings could build up and up indefinitely. It might be worth talking to an 'outsider' - whether that is a counsellor or someone else unconnected with the family - just to sort out how you feel and get it into some kind of perspective. This would enable you to get on with your own life without carrying a huge burden of bitterness and anger. It would take time, but worth working at. Sometimes we have to learn to let these terrible, painful burdens go.

Sorry to hear of your experience Jeannie. You can’t change your feelings so don’t beat yourself up about it.
My sister died 2 years ago after a short illness. My ‘brother’ didn’t come to the funeral as he had a holiday booked. Several other family members cancelled theirs to come.
My mother died after a several years of Alzheimer’s, he never visited until the end and then he was shocked that she didn’t know him.
I never want to speak to or see him again. Won’t miss him.
I have enough good family around me including his 3 girls.

I can add my brother to this collection. He was an adored son ,given everything but disappeared out of my mother's life to her sorrow. He would turn up out of the blue and then there would be no contact again. The longest period was 17 years. He resurfaced when I tracked him down with great difficulty as my mother was dying. He moved into her house and was very reluctant to sell it and moved his new wife's family in. Then he disappeared although I tried to keep up contact . Then when he became ill he returned to the uk and needed the NHS. My DH always said he was a rogue but a charming rogue. I some times think these brothers miss a compassionate gene.

It's okay for you to feel the way you do. Your feelings are your own and you alone have your reasons for them. My parents went to live abroad when I was 19. I struggled for 4 years with them and eventually came back. I missed them terribly, but my sister was there and she started having children. My father hasn't spoken to me on the phone in 40 years, told my husband he wasn't what they wanted for me, wasn't interested in my wedding, so we married alone abroad. When my father visited the UK, if I didn't do or act the way he wanted, he didn't want to stay with us, he made me drive him from Surrey to Essex late in the evening after 10.30pm so he could stay with his sister. He called my children snobs and never said one nice thing to us, in fact he was rude about my cooking. Now he is very sick, we all went out to see him, around 2 years ago. We give my sister almost £1000 a month as she has a full time carer for him and he wanted to live with her. She is on her own now and probably thinks we are the dregs as we go on holiday and don't go over to see him. I text everyday and she doesn't always answer. She works full time, has no savings, no pension but spends her money on clothes and make up etc. I'm in 2 minds whether to go visit him before he dies, as my experience with him when on my own is just pure nastiness. He would prefer everything be left to my sister, he wants me to have nothing of his. He can only understand his hurt, but can never understand mine or my brothers. Therefore my feelings are to stay away,. Looking from my sisters side, she must think I'm selfish and awful, but she is only now learning what my dad is like. He calls her a bitch, tells her to shut up, her cooking is not tasty. I said he has always been like that to me, she thinks it's because he is ill. I don't want to see him, even though he is dying.

Time to let it go now Jeanie, bad feelings only hurt those feeling them
I always think never let anyone's behaviour continue to hurt as you give them more power even after their death !!

I've had something similar in my own family and my heart goes out to you. Don't beat yourself up at all, allow yourself to feel whatever you do feel and let your body process your grief in the most appropriate way for you. There is no right or wrong way to grieve for anyone and you don't have to have any particular feelings at any time. Any feelings are acceptable in this situation and I wish you well.

Rowantree offers healthy advice, getting feelings into perspective in order to carry on without carrying the burden of bitterness -

I was deeply fearful of bringing such feelings forward, afraid that they would take over and make me negligent and uncaring, too -- much like the individual that died - I felt it my responsibility to get to the root of the issues that made the relationship strained, only to discover that the issue was love - So now when unpleasant memories arise they are tempered with compassion and understanding instead of bitterness and judgement - Not the easiest task, at times - But the effort has proven to be worthwhile -

Because we are closely related to someone doesn't mean that we have to like them. As I have discovered it's possible to love a relative but also dislike a lot about them as well. When they die guilt is added to your feelings of grief. But if you feel relief that that person is gone, that's OK too. Try not to feel bitter about it. Accept that you feel some sadness (or even anger) because you were unable to have a better relationship with your brother. That was his fault, not yours. That is in the past now, so try to let it go. Wishing you peace.

Like others have said please don’t beat yourself up about this. It happens more often than you think. When my mother died I just felt huge relief. Thankful that I would no longer have to visit her with a pounding heart because never quite knew what to expect when I got there. I feel so envious of everyone else who has/had a wonderful relationship with their mother. Am thankful that myself and both daughters really do get on well and love each other’s company.

So sorry for you. I still miss my brother every day he died in 2010. I have no one else now and he was a loving kind brother he looked out for me all my life.

The aunts and uncles were all odd and unpleasant though. John was a great mixer would talk to the highest to the lowest in a natural way.

So sorry a family member dyeing brings all kinds of feelings back.

I felt the same about my brother, you can't choose your relations. My friends are much dearer to me.