My brother died this week

One interesting thing about this thread is how all but one (Marieeliz) have similar feelings. I'm the eldest of 4 (2 boys, 2 girls) and our father died of cancer aged 55. My mother had what was then know as pre senile dementia and was subsequently diagnosed with Alzheimers. My sister and I took it in turns to visit her at weekends but my brothers almost never. Mum often asked about my brothers and said she didn't hear from them. I asked one, who lived in Wales, if he would send her an occasional postcard. His response was that he couldn't afford it and when I said I'd send him some money his response was don't bother. Something went wrong in my family when we were young and it's difficult to see what. I and my oldest brother went to grammar schools. The two younger siblings, because of ill health, didn't manage to pass the 11 plus and so went to secondary modern schools. My younger brother spent more than a year in a special orthopeadic hospital in Hampshire. Every Saturday my parents visited him from Essex, taking sweets and comics. Years later, when my sister and I were staying at my Mum's nursing home during her last week we were talking about our childhood and the sweets and comics were what she remembered the most. We all had pocket money and we each had a comic (Girl, Eagle etc - something virtuous!) but she had feelings of deprivation. My sister refused to come to Mum's funeral because she'd fallen out with my younger brother and her excuse was that she'd already said goodbye. I haven't seen my brothers since the funeral 30 years ago and only seen my sister a few times. ~It seems to be the same with most of my close friends, sadly. I think we have this idea of a blissful family life when siblings get together with their own families and have a lovely time. I'm sure some do but I don't know of any.

Grieve for the loss of your dear mother and rejoice in the life you had with her and can now have without him

Exactly as Paddyann said but how sad. I am in much the same situation with my sister so its not uncommon. Don't beat yourself up, be kind to yourself and remember the good times with your mum and forget your brother.

So sorry ….I am the opposite ! Lost my only brother last year ...he was a wonderful older brother, although he was involved in his hobbies and his work so we never saw much of each other ...it was more a 'I know you have my back' knowledge for both of us ….but I miss him so much, he was quite young and had plans for his future which makes me so sad. On the other hand, my mother hated me …..my father used to say she never wanted me (thanks dad !! ) he never told me till after she died ...but he never had to, I had got the message long before …...no time for me, no hugs, no nice words ...never bothered with anything for me at all ...never once came to school ...in my day (late 50's) we had to go and sit at our desks on parents evening with our work in front of us for our parents to see....I was the only one with no one ! I got used to it and now just shrug my shoulders and think well, c'est a vie !......I guess families all have a bete noir …..

Some of these stories are truly heart rending to read.
Bless you all.
❤️

You don't choose your family. Do not feel that you've done anything wrong.

But I'm sorry you've lost someone from your own generation, it plays on your mind, and that together with your feelings is not making your life easy at the moment.

you cant lie you can only be true to yourself you cant make someone out to be something they are not

I'm so sorry for you to be carrying all this pain. It doesn't make someone a "wonderful" person because they die. I hope you can let the hurt go now and concentrate on thinking about the people in your life who you have loved!

Jeanie99, Try not to let your brother's past behaviour upset you. He didn't have your compassionate nature that's for sure. I'll have these feelings that you have with two of my family if they should die before me. I'll be devastated, I still love them but don't like them at all and I wish things could have been so different but we can't re-write history can we. At least you can say that you loved your mum and was always there for her, and that's what matters really. Let it be and close the book. Take care.

When someone in your family dies you always have feelings of guilt about what could have been and what you could have done, often despite the fact that you know they were not a good family member. Jeannie 99 you are grieving for your mother as you say and, as others on here have said, for the relationship you never had with your brother.
In the last year of his life, my father was in a care home because he had somehow recovered after a spell in hospital when he was expected to pass away. He had another ten months of life, with very little quality of life though. He wouldn't leave his room and just sat in a chair all day. My brother rarely visited, although he only lived about an hour away. When the end finally came, on the day my dad died, my brother knew that dad was dying but didn't come all day but I kept saying that he was coming. When my brother arrived my dad died. I wasn't there. I found out later that he had to be almost pushed into the room to see dad. It hurts to remember these things but you just have to accept that people have different personalities and experiences. It's good to express how you feel though, and share your feelings with others.

Sounds like my husband.

jeanie99 I empathise with you. There is a sibling of mine who I feel exactly the same about, though not for the same reason in that she did visit our mother but continually tried to get her put into care and said such awful things about her and laid hands on her. I have always had trouble trying to even just remember a childhood that included her but I have blocked her because I cannot think of a single kind thing she ever did. As a previous messager said, we do not choose our family and what you feel is so common you may not realise it. Thank goodness you have friends on here who understand. You must put him out of your mind. There are people who do not deserve the love and energy spent on them.

Do understand that one. Have a brother who didn’t speak to me for 15 years. Then suddenly did. Now doesn’t again. We were once close. Makes me sad. But I have to think @@ you for your weird unhelpful relationship with me. Rubbish big brother.

When my husband died my family offered support, each in their own unique way - But it was my brother-in-law who provided the comic relief by helping me to see that I was only mourning the loss of a portion of who my husband was - He said, "my brother was a pain in the butt!! " which brought me from tears to laughter - He then went on to encourage me to embrace the loss of the whole person because we are all flawed human beings ..

That intimate talk with my brother in law paved the way for me to better navigate the death of my brother a month after my husband died - We had a rocky relationship - Like years and years without speaking - But despite our dysfunction, our distance and disagreements, I offered support when he became ill - I didn't cry when he died - I cried over a month later when I saw a photograph of him when he was younger, pulling his daughter through the snow on a sled .. And from that point forward I began to mourn the loss of the whole man, both the good and the bad .. But my memory had to be jarred to start the process and have that remembrance of him rise up from beneath the flood of negative recollections ..

Brother and I were never close growing up our mother made sure of that, but he was one of the first there for me when my son died last year and continues to be a support for me. DH family however ...... he comes from a large family, two did not attend their brothers funeral and when one of his sisters died nobody told him. Found out months after the funeral. DH has a serious health issue but remaining family never enquire or contact him. No loss as far as I am concerned.

I don’t know how you feel....as my two brothers and one sister made all effort to see mum was ok in later years.....he doesn’t sound a very family oriented person.... but you will grieve in your own time and way

singingnutty you said When someone in your family dies you always have feelings of guilt about what could have been and what you could have done I'm sorry but I disagree. I don't feel any guilt at all and think it unfair to suggest we should all feel that. Logic tells me that if you have tried your best but the person was really not someone you could accept then there is no reason to feel guilty.

jeanie99. So sorry Jeannie. We will, no doubt, be trying to understand how people like your brother can exist till the end of time. Especially when they come from a loving family of caring people. Yet these totally self-centred and uncaring bullies are out there and occasionally we are blighted by having one in the family. I studied Psychology and did Psychology research. I can honestly say, as far as I have read, there is no consensus concerning what leads these people to be as they are. I suspect they are just born that way.
I have met many and lived with one. It is hard to describe. People who have not come across it tend to infuriate me by coming up with explanations which are really just excuses for his extremely cruel and selfish behaviour. Most of them have many chances to understand how to be kind and to learn about decent behaviour. In my experience they choose to be nasty, always seeing themselves as a special case.
I am so sorry you had to have one of these as a brother. But he's gone now and you won't have to meet him any more.
Please look after yourself, my love, make sure you are well and as happy as you can be. Lots of love Elle x

Jannicans. Can you leave him? The distress of being with such a person is so damaging. I felt as if I were dying from the inside. I just lost touch with who I was. I did not have any pleasure in life, whatever happened he ruined it.

I really do not think you should give your life up for such a cold and selfish person. They can be the death of you.
Please get help. Sending you lots of love, Elle x

KatyK. I think we can safely say she shows the signs of narcissism and psychopathy. How to live with one of these in the family is very difficult. The usual advice is to have no contact with them.

I think people do tend to forget others with time as they get on with their lives - But I really don't know that anyone totally forgets siblings with which one had a relationship with completely - - as in, never to think of them again - Recollection itself can be used generously as a tool to heal -

There's no one size fits all answer .. each person navigates differently - I'd be interested to read what purpose bitterness serves from anyone who thinks it does -

We don't have contact any more Tilly

Sounds as tho I wrote that I lost my younger brother last July we weren't talking as he had bad issues that i really dont want to go in to ..he he made horrible lies up about me but gladly my other siblings do not believe but I wish I could just look him in the eye and ask WHY .. . I grieved so much for him as we were a close knit family buy my mind races why he did that and said it ..but now I will never know I did love him cared for him and vice versa .. I miss him dearly every day but still question why why xx