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Bereavement

My brother died this week

(73 Posts)
jeanie99 Mon 08-Apr-19 00:36:10

Like you do when someone dies you think about all the good times you had and shared with that person.

Unfortunately I cannot think of a single thing.
His death reminds me of my dear mother who had terminal cancer not only did he not visit her he couldn't even be bothered to phone to see how she was.
I have cried but for my mother who I loved dearly.
My brother was extremely selfish and a bully.
He enjoyed his life because he did exactly what he wanted to do and to hell with anyone else who didn't agree with him.
Just had to get it off my chest.

FarNorth Mon 08-Apr-19 00:48:33

That's such a shame, jeanie.

crazyH Mon 08-Apr-19 00:52:10

How sad !

paddyann Mon 08-Apr-19 01:05:17

you know the saying ,you cant choose your family,dont beat yourself up because you feel like this .I have a sister who is much the same ,,she barely passes the time of day with us and ignored my mother ..went no contact as they say now ..for almost 13 years .I wont mourn her when she dies IF she goes before me .I'll treat her the way she treated mum.You do the same ,he doesn't deserve your tears .Be kind to yourself .

rosecarmel Mon 08-Apr-19 04:49:10

I understand what it's like to experience relief during bereavement -

When the death was new those old wounds became fresh again almost all at once - But I learned as time passed that it wasn't a matter of feeling nothing but that I was just numb - Being flooded by such memories without being numb? I'd of certainly been crushed to smithereens - And my heart hardened - Not a shred of capacity to care or understand how much damage I could also do if I too went down the same path as the deceased - And the very thought of that frightened me -

I did welcome the tears when they finally fell, when the love buried beneath all those haunting thoughts and feelings rose up -

BradfordLass72 Mon 08-Apr-19 07:53:06

I'm certainly not of the brigade which says 'do not speak ill of the dead'.

If he chose to be a bad lot in life, and what could be worse than rejecting your sick mother? then he does not deserve any tears.

I have a sister who sounds exactly like you brother. You would not believe the awful things she said to Mum (who had never failed to give her the thousands she constantly asked for) when Mum was dying of cancer.

My sister is still alive but I know I won't be mourning her when she goes because she too is a selfish bully.

She has never loved anyone other than herself, nor benefited the world in any way.
The world is better off without such people.

dragonfly46 Mon 08-Apr-19 07:56:50

That is so sad jeanie and others who have uncaring siblings. I am an only child and long for a sibling. Maybe I am being too idealistic.

kittylester Mon 08-Apr-19 08:08:43

Sad for you jeanie! You will also probably be mourning the loss of the type of brother you would have liked to have had. flowers

lure1959 Mon 08-Apr-19 08:12:29

I to have a stepson who never showed any love or time for is mother has never called me in 5 months since my DW passed i will get on with life my door is closed to him now . I wish you good luck take care

sodapop Mon 08-Apr-19 08:22:29

That is sad jeanie when things could have been so different. You need to grieve for what might have been then move on with your life.thanks

petra Mon 08-Apr-19 08:23:59

BradfordLass72
I had a sister like that. I never spoke to her for 30+ years before she died.
We were never friends as children/teenagers/adults. Just two completely different people. Strange isn't it?

Urmstongran Mon 08-Apr-19 09:01:43

Same here petra so much so, most people thought I was an only child. No particular fall out, just disinterested really. It used to hurt but I got used to it. Chalk and cheese.

red1 Mon 08-Apr-19 10:40:55

If there is love there is grief, thats my experience.although when its a family member you are estranged from you can grieve of the relationship that could have been.Grief can be complicated for sure.

Emilymaria Mon 08-Apr-19 10:41:42

Jeanie99 - feel for you. One of the saddest parts is that you never had the relationship with your brother that you would have liked. It happens not just with siblings (of which I have a similar example) but also with parents. My husband couldn't mourn his mother and eventually went into counselling because he felt guilty. That is exactly what the counsellor suggested - that he was already mourning for a relationship that he would have wanted but was denied him. Oh dear, why are we proscribed conditions that are so unrealistic? Bless you.

trendygran Mon 08-Apr-19 10:45:40

dragonfly 46. I am also an ‘only ‘child’ and feel so sad to read how some people who are ( in my opinion) lucky to have siblings are driven to turn against siblings who are less than caring about anyone’s but themselves.I always longed for a brother or sister as a child and now,as a widow, miss having more family .Unfortunately it seems that love and support does not necessarily follow.

KatyK Mon 08-Apr-19 10:48:03

That's sad. I have a sister who is much the same. In her defence, she had a horrible childhood but then so did the rest of us siblings. She treated our mum terribly when she was alive but saw herself as Mother Theresa. Mum moved in with her to get away from our violent abusive dad. My sister wouldn't let her have any visitors, or put the heating on in the winter. After our mum died, she threw my two sisters out. They were 16 and 17 and they lived in grubby bedsits after that. To hear her talk, not that she does talk to any of us really, she is a saint.

GoldenAge Mon 08-Apr-19 10:50:02

Your feelings are quite normal - as a Bereavement counsellor I see many people in similar situations to yourself - it is. It not compulsory to feel grief nor indeed to rush to get over it when it’s present - it’s the relationship in life that determines whether or not you feel bereaved and you seem to have not had a good relationship with your brother so your feelings are quite normal.

TerriBull Mon 08-Apr-19 10:55:24

Commiserations jeanne99, my brother died a few years ago, we also had a fairly stormy relationship for a number of reasons, so I understand how you feel, although sometimes I grieve for that loss and memories of a shared childhood. You shouldn't blame yourself, it's not unusual for the most troubled relationships to be with a close member of the family. I know plenty of people who have really bad relationships with siblings, particularly when parents age/get sick/die, differing opinions about how to care for the parent and who does what, some doing very little or nothing like your experience. Estrangement is a fact of life for a fair proportion of the population.

Putting feelings in writing can prove cathartic and hope that has been the case for you flowers

Aepgirl Mon 08-Apr-19 10:58:41

I also have a very selfish sister who rarely helped out when I was caring for our parents. She would visit them every 3 months or so, bringing flowers, eggs, cakes, etc, and sit while I made tea/coffee, cooked a meal etc. After my parents died we had little contact, but are now ‘good’ sisters.

I think you have to give your grief and anger time, and hopefully eventually you will remember your brother with a better heart.

I feel for you,

KatyK Mon 08-Apr-19 10:59:53

Some things are hard to forgive. When my teenage nephew was dying in hospital, my sister wouldn't go to see him as 'it would upset me'.

BladeAnnie Mon 08-Apr-19 11:00:07

So sad - I never know what to say in such situations but thinking of you 😢

Overthehills Mon 08-Apr-19 11:06:44

I’m so sorry for you Jeannie and would just reiterate what Kitty said.
I feel the same. I have tried and tried to reestablish contact with my only brother but nothing. Thank God I have some lovely in-laws.

freyja Mon 08-Apr-19 11:07:08

I am still feeling the death of my brother, who died in October 2018. My feelings are very mixed and confused. As an adult he was a very lazy and self opinionated man. Never worked a day in his life; he spent everyday in the pub, drinking and smoking until it finally killed him. He lived off the dole and his girlfriend; whom he married at his death bed as a thank you for 30 years of looking after him. The feeling of disgust came to mind that he treated her so badly but it was her wish to be finally recognised as a married woman. The funeral was a pantomime with the vicar, drinking a toast to him and his friends throwing cans of lager in the grave. In all it was appalling to his family, who were all hard working and good citizens but this was his dying wish.
Since that day happier memories came flooding back. As a child, my brother was a free spirit. He was ambitious, of course, naughty liked to shock and rock the norm. On the plus side he was gentle kind and a happy boy. That's when the tears came. How can someone change so much?

Newatthis Mon 08-Apr-19 11:08:29

They say you can choose your friends but you can't choose your family. Don't feel guilty about this, concentrate on those you love and have loved you (and still do!).

Bathsheba Mon 08-Apr-19 11:09:27

I really feel for you jeanie. You can only mourn what might have been, not what was. How desperately sad for your mum that he didn't care at the end of her life.

KatyK is the sister you're referring to your nephew's mother? If so I am lost for words as that is the most shocking thing I have heard shock. But I'm also shocked if it was your nephew's aunty. How terrible to be thinking only of your own upset when someone so young is dying shockangry