Dad's death, many questions

Thanks moggie, you are right, I was there but its catching up with me now alright.

I suppose if he had been able to have some sort of sensible conversation about reality , it would have eased the path. But no, it was not to be, until the bitter end.

My friend’s husband was in a nursing home after a serious stroke, not expected to live more than a few weeks. He “lived” - if you can call it that, for 16 months. Unconscious for most of that time, being fed a liquid diet through his stomach, arms and legs stiff and contracted.
Every time he developed breathing problems they gave him antibiotics, saying that they “had to keep him comfortable”, even though he was in a coma and his wife had signed a ‘do not resuscitate’ form.
I think that, in his case, it was all about money. His care was paid for by the NHS, and he was very easy to look after. All he needed was to be kept clean, turned over now and then, and have some food put into his feeding tube. They should have let the chest infections take him gently away. Instead they kept him alive as long as possible, for no reason. His wife died only months after he finally succumbed, and I blame the stress she was under for so long.

Dont be hard on yourself it's only four weeks since my mam died and I've replayed everything in my head knowing the care staff did everything for her she died peacefully with us beside her. You question every last moment but honestly I think your dad will of had the best care offered. My condolences are with you .

The thing is GreenGran , chest infections dont take you "gently" which is why antibiotics are often still given to people who are for palliative care. Or for community care only. A DNAR would have no bearing on this.

Its a difficult balance to strike. Some dying people are even operated on if the operation is the only way to ease distressing symptoms.

notanan2 I would agree with you, in most circumstances, but he had been comatose for a long time, and didn't have any idea of what was happening to him. It would have been kinder to his family to let him go, rather than prolong their misery.

I understand what you mean GreenGran but I think that since he was just unalert, but not actually dying then purposely letting a chest infection kill him might have fallen into a grey area in UK law IYKWIM.

However unfortunately even if we DID allow people to end their lives, he wouldnt have qualified to make that decision..

So falls between gaps wherever he may live

Also. If it was just tube antibiotics, then a bad chest infection would still probably kill him. So they were just there to relieve discomfort.

If they were admitting him to hospital for IV antibiotics then that would probably not be in his best interest

so say, for example, someone who is for palliative care may have trimethoprim so that they dont suffer from the pain of a UTI but wont necessarily have strong IV antibiotics for urinary sepsis.

So they are on antibiotics, but its symptom related rather than livesaving antibiotics IYKWIM.

Its hard to generalise though as these days its very case-by-case

Willow10
My husband and myself feel exactly the same as your neighbor regarding the death in hospital of my mother in law.

She had dementia, and after a fall was clearly dying, but it took so long, and we just went along with what we were told, all food and eventually liquid was withdrawn, it seemed unkind

In retrospect, we should have asked a lot more questions, and been a little more assertive, I don’t think her end was very peaceful

Seems...dammed if they do, dammed if they don't springs to mind. Been through similar experience lately. For the first time ever I have considered there IS an argument there for euthanasia!

Seeing someone you love in pain and knowing there is no comeback from it is crucifying. BUT medical staff have the duty to preserve life at all costs and can't just tell people...well that's it! We won't try!

Absolutely NOTHING to do with money, more to do with the hippocratic oath. i.e. while there is life...we continue.

Am so sorry for your loss Lily but look kindly not annoyingly on the people who cared for your dad. They were in an impossible situation

'Medical staff have the duty to preserve life at all costs' This is simply not true.

My advance directive(living will) instructs staff to keep me hydrated intravenously if need be and pain free even if this risks shortening my life. I have a copy to take to hospital to give to the ward sister, a copy is with my GP practice, and a copy is with my lawyer. My sons are aware, so they need not feel guilty .