Death....cannot stop thinking about it

Hi Blacktabby. I really understand that fear. I’m in my 70s and am bemused that I am because all my siblings died much younger than that. I’ve been worrying on and off since my 50s that I’d die. I’m still here!!! I have just started at Slimming World also because I want to be here as long as I can to see my grandkids grow up. And the sun is shining here too. I pick them up from school today and love my time with them. Keeping a journal can help to record daily joys and sorrows sometimes and positive plans. Time for me to put on the lipstick and go to shops. Best wishes. This is my first post; hope it helps. ???

Hi. Like you and others, after losing my mum I had ,lots of "death thoughts. and like you I have some medical medical problems - have had loads of blood tests - which are being looked into and waiting for more tests. I haven't got time to die - too much going on!!!

Enjoy each day - make sure you have keep as busy as you can manage. And book something up to look forward to - a weekend away, lunch or a day trip. Sending hugs for your losses - and hope you can put the sad thoughts to the side for a while. x

Hi and I do agree in part with what has already been said. I also have felt like you but what has helped me most is actually to focus a bit on death. It isn’t going to go away and if it’s a fear, ignoring it and having it as the elephant in the room, doesn’t help-me at least. I did some research and looked at different religions and beliefs about death, also personal experiences of near death etc.. and formed a view (although I would never class myself as deeply religious) of what I think will be my own experience of death. Surpisingly, it decreased my fears rather than increased them and has helped me to focus more on living b cause I’m not so preoccupied with the subject of my own death now! In the western world, it is a taboo subject and I think it does us no good at all.

There is a psychotherapist who has written and thought a lot about our fear of death and dying, and who works with people about that fear. He writes well and is easy to read, and you might want to read one of his paperback books "Staring at the Sun". The author is Irvin Yalom. I hope you find something to help you - so hard after your losses and with your ill health. Actually facing the fact that we all must die, can help us live with more awareness and enjoying simple things - pushing a fear away just makes it come back more strongly. Blacktabby, you might consider a few sessions of counselling - your doctor could help find a counsellor. However long you have to live, counselling could help you live more in the present with more happiness, or with joy in small things. I do hope you find a happier place.

Janthea I wake in the night and think exactly the same. What would happen to my cat, and how long would I lie there before the children realised? (weeks !!!) I think when we live alone these thoughts are only natural.

After a terrifying allergic reaction 6 weeks ago, plus a severe asthma attack last year when I suddenly couldn't speak, I have now got a personal alarm which covers me at home and in the garden. Obviously if I just pegged it instantly, I wouldn't have time to press it, but I can't cover every eventuality.

I have lined up Pet Guardians for my beloved cat and have explained it all to my children. Neither of them could take her as they have pets of their own. They have their own lives and I find myself worrying more about my lovely cat if anything happened to me. She relies on me totally, the children are in their 40s and don't.

I saw a card saying this:

The key to success is playing the hand you were dealt like it's the hand you wanted.

(Sometimes I can do this, sometimes I can't

I worried around the age of 49 as my DF died at that age, once passed that milestone I breathed a sigh of relief. I took Early Retirement at 50 to care for DH, he was 15 years older than me, at 57 I was a widow.

I now live about 10 miles from DD & DGSs, big move to a new area, had to make new friends etc. It's been good for me & given a new focus to my life. I have various health problems, at 63 I'm unlikely to return to work. My DM is 90 but lives 300 miles away so I only see her twice a year but ring most days.

BlackTabby2 life will get better, you have had 2 recent bereavements, allow yourself time to grieve but take care of yourself & try to find little pleasures in life every day

Gingergirl - I agree with all you say, and it chimes with my experience.

I am 78, and I must say since I lost my husband of 76 I have thought quite a bit about my own mortality. So I have begun to prepare for it: a will, written instructions to my son about my financial affairs. instructions about how I would like my funeral to be, hymns and music for it, etc. I have got rid of a lot of things to charity shops, so there will not be too much for him to do. Since I am preparing I feel that if I do pass away he will have nothing to worry about. I don't think about death all the time, as I have things to do to take my mind off it, and am even planning to move soon. Unfortunately it comes to us all and we must accept the inevitable, but some of you may remember that I love going on escorted holidays and am looking forward to going to Israel or Cuba this year. For the religious, death is not the end of life but the beginning. Keep focussing on life, and find interesting things to do, especially as you are still a stripling. Not everybody passes away early.

Maybe you need to speak to someone, professionally about how you feel? We all have thoughts of death, but if you find that it is affecting how you live your life that is not good. There are bereavement counsellors, perhaps Cruse could help? I did notice when my Mother died just before Christmas that the undertakers had details of help with grief.

Hi op:
Completely normal to feel this way after a major health care.
According to research, some patients who have had a cancer scare ( but get the all clear from tests etc ) are just as traumatised as patients who actually get a diagnosis. PTSD is common in health scares, so please, if you continue to feel this way go & see your gp, she will completely understand.
It really can take a while to feel normal again.

I lost my husband of forty years in April 2017 and for a long time I had the same problem. You’ve lost two people very close to you in quick succession and the grieving process inevitably forces you to face your own mortality but I can tell you from experience that things do get better. I know I will never be the same person I was before my loss but I am gradually learning to live with it. Grief is a process that can’t be rushed but you may benefit from some counselling to help you through it. I saw my GP who referred me to the NHS mental health services and they provided free grief counselling which helped enormously. There is a bit of a wait but in my opinion it was well worth it. I’m with other posters on here - don’t google anything to do with health issues because a lot of the information out there is aimed at the medical profession and even the self help stuff can easily be misinterpreted, leading to unnecessary worry. Talk things over with your GP and see what help is available. I wish you the best of luck.

If we’ve passed away & we liethere for days it won’t affect us Janthea butI have a dog so I’ve arranged to do an online thumbs up with a friend every morning to tell her that I’m okay.

Here's a thought to consider" it was Joseph Conrad (I think) who defined"life as a sexually transmitted disease with 100% mortality"!!

I’m so sorry to hear this, Blacktabby2. I understand where you’re coming from. I feel as if I’ve been through hell and back over the past two years, what with losing both my MiL and FiL, having sepsis three times, being diagnosed with kidney disease, diabetes, high blood pressure, anxiety and depression, plus I have severe psoriasis on my hands and feet. I was walking the dog through the church cemetery at the weekend and thinking of where I would like to be buried!! It’s very difficult to ‘remain positive’ at these times. Chin up my dear, there are people who care and one day you’ll get through it - and hopefully, so will I. ?

Don't know where the practise came from but each night I lie in bed and equate what was the best and worst things that happened to me. Other than any major disaster, I find it amazing how many simple positives flash through my mind and that the downs don't seem so bad after all. I recommend trying this. Life certainly feels good for me.

To black tabby 2 . I’m 60 years old . My dear Dad died 6 months ago . And since turning 60 and his death I am the same can’t stop thinking about death and that I don’t have long left . The difference with me to you is . I am really fit and healthy and everything to live for . A wonderful partner . 3 grown up children who love me , friends . I gave up work because I could financially. So havelots of time to do what I want at last ! But these thoughts of our lives just being a moment then finished won’t leave me and are spoiling my life . I just want to get on with living like I did in the past before turning 60 . I couldn’t believe all that life is now behind me and soon I will be like my dad dead . He was 88 and had dementia so not unexpected. But if any one dies in the news I look at their age and they are usually younger than me ! I’m obviously on borrowed time . Help ! X

Blacktabby2 you are grieving, so it is not at all surprising that you have these anxious thoughts, but if you feel you are not moving forward, and are 'stuck', seek some bereavement counselling. In the meantime, try to get out every day and get some exercise. I know it sounds trite, but I've lost 2 husbands and, even though I have always hated exercise for the sake of it, it has really helped with sleep and negative feelings. Good luck!

You have lost two people close to you...their souls are now flying free. As mentioned grief counselling might help. I will say that you should never worry about anything until you have to. Worrying about nothing is a waste of time and energy. Sending love and peace x

Fizzes and cherylann2461. I am just the same, had this death phobia all of my life. Massive panic attacks. Since the age of 14 I have seen a psychiatrist, had CBT, bought self help books x 60, had meditation, had medication and tried Hypnotherapy. I lost my Dad when I was 18months old he was 26. I have faced death this last four years loosing my step dad 4 years ago my Mother 2 years ago and my Niece of cancer 6 months ago, age 30. I was with these relatives when they died. I still get the thoughts of death most day's at the Age of 68. I find it's all about trying to control things but as the Serenity prayer reads. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change courage to change the things I can and the Wisdom to know the difference.

Me too Allsaint55! I've suffered from several periods of fear of death, sometimes so bad that I've been unable to function properly, since childhood ( probably triggered by my mother suffering from cancer since I was 7 until she died when I was 15) and have had counselling for it several times, which has been successful.
Currently I must admit that it sits just at the back of my mind and I do think about how much time, at 67, I might reasonably have left.
I am not religious and see death as the end, just oblivion.

I got to thinking like you when I turned 63, the age Ma was when she died.

It makes me think I'm living on borrowed time, which is utterly bloody irrational but it creeps in just the same.

Just take it hour by hour and don't put anything 'on hold' until it's 'the right time'.

Dear BlackTabby2, Hey there, dear lady, I really feel for you. In some respects we have similar stuff going on. Although at 73 I am a good deal older than your mere 58 - a mere teenager! and I am also disabled, live alone and don't see my son and his growing family often enough. I also have bouts of thinking about death and dying, sometimes hide myself away in a dark place, and have discovered that lots of folk in my age group struggle with similar thoughts. In the first instance you are grieving, a natural process which has to be let to run it's course. It is useless to resist and it is also a healing process, and any attempt to resist will simply make it persist. Please have patience with yourself on that score. It will gradually fade with time and you will have your memories of those loved ones whom you have lost in the physical world. I will now try to describe and offer ideas to cope which you may - or may not - find helpful to you. Suspecting I may suffer from mild depression or low mood from time to time, I take a couple of supplements. First of all there is St John's Wort which I purchase from ASDA, but which you can find online - excellent for mood, see Amazon? Also I make sure I have a good supply of the B vitamins, particularly vitamin B3 in the form of Niacinamide, which is the form which doesn't bring on the famous flush. This is also good for the brain and mood. You also mention that you are disabled. Exactly how disabled? Are you able to walk or bike ride at all? If so, try to get out into the fresh air and countryside surrounded by greenery, or into a local park. Or perhaps you have a garden where you can have your coffee and admire your flowers? Even better if it is sunny. If you can't, or if it is raining, try watching comedy shows, comedy films. When you wake up in the morning, immediately put on the radio - a light hearted music programme to lift your spirits and to lighten your mood. It is important to get out of the house and to make new friends. I did in the past join the U3A where you can join groups who walk together, lunch together, learn new things together, and I have just joined the Oddfellows which is a Friendly Society which has a care aspect to it too, and if you are not mobile they will arrange a lift to get you to their meetings. I recently completed the Action for Happiness course, founded by the Dalai Lama, which was a weekly meeting over eight weeks and contained valuable videos, exercises in meditation and also an opportunity to make new friends. You can find them online and find where the next one is nearest to you. There are community things in which to join, various churches, classes, clubs, the WI, exercise classes, art groups, local history groups, volunteering. Get yourself a new notebook and every night before you sleep jot down 5 things for which you are grateful, and over time increase it to 10 things. Also look at your dietary input. Water contains a load of rubbish, so what about a filtering system? Look at Brita. Also try going as organic as possible. A lot of problems are caused by the pesticides and fertilisers used in food production which is responsible for a host of maladies. Sainsbury's has the best selection of organic veg and you can also find organic meat and wild salmon there too. Also, every time you have a negative thought it risks becoming a habit which you can break. Thoughts make pathways in the brain, so it is important to consciously create new ones. So when you have a thought you don't like and don't want to have, notice it and then say to yourself something positive, such as "health, wealth, success and happiness" which is a little "mantra" I use myself. And, finally, are there any Gransnetters near you at all with whom you could meet up? Sending you love and massive hugs. xxxx

Can someone please tell me if they can see my message. Whenever I write on Gransnet I never get any response.

I can see it Veda, best wishes

I lost my brother and mother within 5 weeks a few years ago.he was 68. She was 93. We just don’t know when or how it will be for any one of us. But now I’m just thankful for each new day and happy to live one day at a time. Don’t dwell on death. The internet is good but can certainly frighten us and worry us !!