Daughter

Really can't understand why people cut children off from grandparents especially at such sad times. I hated my MIL and her me. She wanted her son home and tried everything she could to part us including trying to set up dates with her friends daughter's. But I always made him go to visit with the children once a week. She was a lovely granny to them. OP send an email thanking him for the letter and wishing them well. Invite them to visit whenever they want as others have said. All the best xx

Sorry for your loss. Sadly this similar situation happened to my cousin when her daughter died of cancer. The husband had already got a new girlfriend who seemed to not want to allow them to see their grandchild. They fought in the courts for their rights for years until he got a new girlfriend who has empathy and see her regularly. This happened just after they had given up fighting and resigned that she will contact them when she is older. Also shows how weak some man can be. Good luck

This is such a sad situation for you. I find I can't really add to the advice on here already, but wishing you well and that things work out for you and the family

It's awful that there isn't any legal rights to access for family members other than the parents.
I know everyone deals with grief differently but this is horrid. I wish I could make this all better for you, OP. I cannot fathom how you're feeling, I am deeply sorry for both your loss and the situation you're now in.

My heart goes out to you. I would try and make contact in the hopes of seeing your grandchildren one day hopefully xxx

Debohun, first, I am so sorry for you and your husband on the loss of your dear daughter. And I am sorry for her children as well, not only because they have lost their mum, but because they must wish they could see you again .
As others have said, I think you should write a little note to your estranged son in law, thanking him for writing and asking if there is anything you can do. Perhaps he might like the children to stay with you for a few days - just a thought, And say you are always there for him and the children.

Oh, and maybe send a little note to the children as well?

debohunXL5
What a sad and deeply touching post
In answer, I would say your thank-yous and send love in any way you can.
I would also ask him that, should he see fit to agree your contact with your GC at any time in the future, you would not refer to any past events which could lead to disharmony.
Time to move on.
Remember, your GC can contact you without his permission when they are 18.
I'm aware that there are two sides to every story and that is why I am mindful not to make assumptions of his behaviour.
I wish you the best possible outcome from a painful situation.
Take care.

Debohun, what an absolutely heartbreaking situation. The very little that I can add to the discussion is to say that I think your first instinct to thank your son in law for informing you of your daughter's death and to send your love to your grandchildren is the very best course of action. What will unfold next, who knows, but I think your son in law has done the right thing and it would be be good to give him credit for that. None of us knows the background of what must be a very long and painful story. I do so hope that somewhere, perhaps a little in the future, there will be some positive outcomes for all of you. ?

I am so sorry to hear this. I would definitely contact him to say thank you and that you are always there for him and the children if they need you. Tell him you would like to send cards/gifts to the children at birthdays /Christmas if he will allow you to. Also say you won't contact him unless he says you can. Then leave it at that.
I don't know the background at all but it is always worth trying to reach out.
Good luck

Since there is probably nothing to do about the actual situation, then I advise you to take the moral high ground and "love those who hate you" or whatever the saying is, and write that nice reply that you have suggested. If you can't see your grandchildren and no longer have your daughter, you can at least feel proud of yourself for being the bigger person. In my experience that turns out to be more valuable going forward than you might think.

I would say that however formal the letter he is reaching out to you.
Reply to his letter to thank him for scattering her ashes near to you - he could have ignored her wishes - and asking how he and your grandchildren are. Now is the time to communicate ..Good luck

When my ex husband and I split 27 years ago his family dropped my 3 children for his "new" family, even going as far as cutting me out of family photographs. For the first couple of years my ex fil popped in to check on the kids and I, although the visits had to be kept secret, because of mil He died a few months ago and for the 1st time in all those years I contacted ex sil, who had been like a sister to me when we were married to extend my condolences. I did it by messenger on Facebook, just said how much I had liked him and how he used to visit us after the separation and how much I and the children had appreciated it. She wrote back to thank me for my kind words, I felt better and had some closure after all these years.

I feel for you it's hard sitting on the edge, and supporting your DD in her time of need was the right thing to do. The saying the truth often hurts is so true and probably why he is being as he is now.
Your DGC. Will I'm sure remember you and the times you shared and that is helping them cope. They will know you love them try to keep the lines of communication open even if through a third party. They will be old enough to make their own minds up sooner than you think.
I am so sorry for your loss and hope it all gets resolved very soon

I would keep gentle contact sending the grandchildren cards and gifts on birthdays and
Christmas
Don't forget he is suffering a lot of grief himself and we all display this very differently.
If you can keep this up he may thank you for it later on.
Why do you not have an address if you are the executor of her will. Surely you would need this information

So sorry for your loss and the pain you are going through.
My son's ex-partner has stopped me, their grandfather and older sister from seeing the children. Wiped us out of their lives because of problems between her and my son saying they do not want to see me which I do not believe for a moment.
Now I have retired I organised a private detective company to find their address, which they did. As long as you know the last address they will be able to trace the new one.
Letters and cards can then be sent to the children. Maybe this could be a way to try.
I am just about to embark on the process of taking her to court for access to my grandchildren and really hope it works out.

I feel very sorry for you. We had a similar, but not as tragic, experience in that when our son split from his partner we were denied access to our two grandchildren who we had bee very close to. After a couple of years of this treatment, sometimes allowed access only to have it denied again, we took their mother to court. It was a long and costly process but worth it as we now have a court order in place and have regular contact. The only warning I would give is that your grandchildren are older than ours were and CAFCASS will take into account their wishes nod these are paramount so, if your SIL has had time to pass on his feelings to them they may not agree to contact. Don't give up hope though, these people in the courts are trained to spot when children have been manipulated.

You definitely should send a kind an heartfelt thank you via the solicitor if you feel able. I would also consider writing to the grandchildren - again, nothing that puts their father down, and leave them with this solicitor, so that they can access them when they are 18, so that they know you have always been thinking of them.

I think that you should send him an email just as you have expressed it which is short and sweet with no recriminations. Hopefully he will respond but I think you have to try not to have any expectations that he will.

I would definitely thank your son-in-law in exactly the words you have used in your original post, no more. Continue sending cards to the children via the mutual acquaintance, and set up a bank account or similar for gifts to them, if you have not already done so. This will show that you have attempted to maintain contact, whatever the actions of their father.

Keep a non-controversial Facebook page, as I think your grandchildren will want to find out about their mother and family as they grow older, and the internet is the place where they will start. They may have been told that you have died.
Such a sad situation, but the children will grow up and have their own thoughts about their family.

Such a tragic situation for everyone. As you were an Executor for the Will do you have contact details for a Solicitor involved ? They may be able to pass on correspondence for you. Please try to persuade your SIL to allow you access to the children. You can tell them things about their mother's early life that he cannot. Very best wishes.

Thank you everyone. Mrsnonsmoker I was an Executor along side my SIL I received a letter from a Solicitor two days after my daughter's funeral acknowledging the fact I was an Executrix (female) but asking me to take Power Reserved. Not knowing what this meant I consulted a Legal advisor to advise me of what that meant and basically it meant that I would not partake in anything to do with her Will and that his Solicitors would keep me updated about things but that is all. The Legal Advisor said that I should not accept this as my daughter had named me as an Executor and that I should be involved. That was strike one as far as SIL was concerned. When I received a copy of the inheritence tax form they listed her assets as £250:00. That amount was ridiculous as I knew she had two Life Insurance policies plus critical illness insurance. A good amount of gold and silver jewellery and a car! In the covering letter the Solicitor also referred to her in the male gender no less than 3 times. This was so upsetting and I refused to sign it. They had a rethink and I received a new Inheritence tax form now itemising not only jewellery, car but also the amount in the 2 life insurance policies which amounted to hundreds and thousands of pounds. Considering my SIL was a police officer at the time you would think he would want everything legal and above board. That is when the nasty letters started to arrive. In his words he said I was using my DD's name for my own agenda! How despicable is that ? I am grieving for my daughter and he says that to me. This is just one remark there have been so many accusations when I have tried to help and support him. Everything I have tried to do he has thrown it back in my face. I cannot forgive this man and I really don't ever want to see him again but that would mean never ever having the chance to see my GC again. My DH and myself have been so ill since all this started. I have nearly lost my DH twice since this started and we just have not got the strength to fight him.

debohunXL5 my sympathy for your loss and your pain. You sound very level headed and sensible under difficult circumstances.

I agree that to say thank you and send love to the grandchildren would be the best thing to do.

I really hope that you have contact with them in the future. When they are older I’m sure they’ll want to see you so keep yourselves visible in whatever way you can. The idea of a Facebook page as suggested by eazybee sounds like a very good idea.

Very best wishes to you!

debohunXL5 So deeply sorry for the loss of your dear daughter, good advise from Tedber [as far as I've read]
This is what I fear will be my daughter's fate!
To say you feel she has 'come home' was such a heart breaking thing to read. I hope you get to reconnect with your beloved granddaughters. God Bless you

I am so sad for you. I will keep you in my prayers that somehow one day your grandchildren will find you.
Xxx