Daughter

SIL does not want us to contact him direct, He sent a Solicitors letter to this effect when we we sent him a Solicitor's letter asking whether he had scattered our daughter's ashes last year. This we found quite amusing as we have not had an address for him or contact number since he moved last April from where he was renting. Gifts we have sent to our GCs to the rental address have been sent back to us unopened. We have kept them all. Now we send birthday and christmas cards to a mutual friend to pass on but she never mentions whether she has done so. We set money aside for the GC. She will not divulge his address or number for fear it would upset him. I do not want the GCs to lose her as she is a lovely person they have already lost all their mother's side of the family as we are all not allowed any contact. Oh and by the way my DD had made me the GCs guardian in her Will but of course that does not come into effect because he has outlived her.

Entirely heartbreaking. I would be beside myself and I’m very sorry for you both. Please try and contact your SIL. If not for your own sake then for that of your grandchildren. If your SIL rejects you at least you know you’ve done what you can. When the kids are grown they’ll probably come looking for you and you can explain that your reached out.
I read a most beautiful and uplifting piece about Rwanda. It’s about how former deadly enemies has decided to embrace a future in peace and to bury their animosity. I’ll look for the link and I’ll send it if I find it.
Hope the contact will be renewed.
Strength!

Thank you Hawelka

debohunXL5. Oh my dear, this is the most sad and moving letter I remember for a long long time.

Please accept my most sincere sympathy and condolences to you and your Dear Husband for the death of your Daughter.

I cannot say how sorry I am that surrounding this pain there is also the bitterness of a rift and separation, dividing Grandparents from Grandchildren. I am one who prays and I promise that you will all be in my prayers. I would not be surprised or blame you if you do not believe in or trust God after all this so I won't say more.

Surrounding the dreadful early death of a young mother there is usually so much grief and pain and anger that there comes a falling out and big rifts as people disagree about the way to deal with things. The agony of the terrible death is too much for us and we lose our hold on relationships, finding people impossible to cope with.

I would most certainly write to your SIL. Do not be put off by his formal style. Keep your letter simple. Say you are grateful you are to him for his letter and telling you about the scattering of your daughter's ashes. Then say simply what you said above, that you would like your DGC to know they are loved, that they have GPs of their DM who love them and that you will not impose into the family but will always love them and be there for anything they need. Ask if he could possibly let you send them Birthday and Christmas gifts and cards.

I do hope he will agree for his children's sakes. The little ones will need to know they have a circle of love around them, even if they do not see you, knowing you are there and you care will be important.

I am so sorry he is such a dreadful man. I do not know if there are any legal means where you live whereby you could seek access to your DGC. I would certainly look into it but not say anything about seeking legal means to him before being if he will agree to an arrangement. Having lost their mother so very tragically, it would be good for them to have contact with her parents, their grandparents. I would have thought he would be glad of the babysitting help. Obviously they have moved away but the children are old enough to come to you in the holidays if that suites you. I do hope something can be arranged. Please never give up.

Please may I say, that when you visit the place of the ashes, I have had an experience that was so real, so vital and alive, that I know that when we die we leave our body straight away, through our forehead, and fly to a white light where there are many who know us and love us and it is the most wonderful experience!
Your daughter, I truly know, left her body and she is in this amazing place. She may be able to come near you and be with you from time to time. It is a place filled with pure love. It was so wonderfully happy and everyone was excited to see me and knew me. I do not know any more because I was sent back. I do know that any distress in this life, pain, arguments, is all gone when we leave our body.

I do hope you find some peace and solace in your lives. The loss of a child is the hardest pain to bear. Try to remain strong, take care of each other. I do hope tomorrow brings some hope of happiness and positive ideas about seeing the DGC.

Sending you much love, Elle

correction: before being if = before seeing if he
also before that, after "grateful" "you are" should have been deleted.
Sorry!
Also sorry I only saw the additional info re the SIL later on.

debohun I am so sorry you are in this very sad situation. I agree with others that it is probably best, looking to the future, to send a thank you letter in reply. As you say he was obliged to tell you the information he gave but hopefully as time has gone on perhaps he is wanting to backtrack on what happened. You don't say if you all got on well before your DD's illness? A relative of mine re-established contact with the family when his new partner encouraged him to do so, it may just be that the new lady in his life has suggested it to him. All good wishes.

I'd set up a Facebook page in your daughter's name, such as Remembering XYZ. That way you can be easily found by the grandchildren when they're ready and able to look for her. Every few days post a picture or posting, keeping the privacy as Open to all.

He may resent you contacting the children, so I'd tread carefully on that score.

I really hope that things work out for you, and that you can find a way to get through this, as you sound like a lovely person.

Sorry, meant to say when the grandchildren look for YOU.

I remember you posted before while your daughter was ill.
If you can find an address to send a brief letter to, thanking you SIL for letting you know where your daughter's ashes have been spread, I think you should do so and simply sign it "Love from" and add the names he called you and your husband.

It might be best right now, not to ask whether you may send Christmas and birthday cards, so he can't say no. Send a card at Christmas and on the children's birthdays.

Perhaps you could put the money you would have used on presents for the grandchildren into a savings account in each child's name to be handed over to them when they come of age? That way they will have a chance of realising when they are grown up that you loved them even although their father did not wish any contact with you.

In your place, I think I would write a letter to each child and send it when they are grown up (in the meantime keep it with your will) explaining that you sadly said some things that hurt their father while their mother was dying and that is why you haven't seen them since. Tell them you have never stopped missing and loving them.

I hope long before they have their eighteenth birthdays your son-in-law will let them see you again. I am sure some of his friends, or one of the children's teachers will point out that it is unkind to keep them from the two people on earth who miss their mother as much as they do and can tell them what she was like.

This was my thoughts. Also maybe to set up a bank account where you can pop money in for birthdays and Christmas and make sure it's in your will to go to the grandchildren. That way you won't worry that gifts are not passed on and they will know you always thought about them. Unfortunately they are young and may be manipulated by others into thinking it is you and not their father who is denying cont

I am very sorry for the loss of your daughter I would try contact your son in law and asked to see the kids they are your daughter's children too keep copy of the letters and when the children grow up they may come looking for you

This is a dreadful situation made all the worse for the lack of contact . I would definitely send a message and if you manage to get the address I would also write to the grandchildren . There is always a curiousity in children and they may well want to see you and will almost certainly look you up at some point . I know various instances where this has happened . Do what is right in your heart and Then you have nothing to reproach yourself for .

I am so sorry for your loss. What an awful situation. Yes, I would definitely respond, thanking him for letting you know. Maybe, also asking him to pass on your love to the children, and to let him know that he's in your thoughts (however useless he was when she was ill - some men, sadly, do not suddenly step up to the mark; I've seen several go to pieces and completely let their sick partner down). Bear in mind that you are sowing the ground for any future meeting with your grandchildren. he may well relent. His girlfriend, if she is a decent person, may well encourage him to allow the children to contact you - don't give up hope. Also, he must not be allowed to be able to tell the children that he contacted you and that you ignored the letter. Keep it sympathetic and kind - no matter your other feelings towards him (quite rightly). He has lost his wife and his world will have fallen apart. He may well realise that he could have treated her better when she became ill - and feel guilty about that. Definitely respond and don't give up hope re your grandchildren - it may take years, sadly, but my guess is that they will contact you as soon as they can.

Never never never give up on your grandchildren- send your son in law a kind warm thank you and keep the door open. Somehow send your grandchildren letters cards etc with your address and email - and continue to do that whether you hear back or not. It is a tragedy for you - you are their mother’s mother - so important- this will damage them emotionally irrevocably unless some truce is made between the adults. How can a father think this is in their best interests? He sounds quite damaged himself actually to behave in such a babyish way. He will end up with little mini versions of himself-

Oh Lord - such sadness

notanan2 . What you are saying seems very harsh. I too lost my daughter just over 9 years ago and would have been heartbroken if I could have no further contact with my former SIL and 2 GDs. My SIL could easily have cut me out ( lost my DH 16 months before ) as he and my DD had separated and she took her own life. Thank goodness he did not do that .I do not see them very often as they live 300 miles away. August 2018 was the last time,when they returned to stay with his Mum near me. No idea when the next time will be,but hope later this year.
It seems very sad that your SIL. debohunXL5, has taken this stand,but glad that at least he contacted you. Do hope he might rethink eventually,so that you are able to see your grandchildren. Losing a daughter is enough punishment,as I know. Losing my DGs too would be unbearable.

He has done the right thing in telling you. Bereavement can change people and make them realise life is too short for disputes. This may be an olive branch or not but I do think you should write and send him condolences as well as thanking him for letting you know. Also send your love and best wishes to your grandchildren. Nothing may come of it but you never know and it's worth taking the chance. It may be what your daughter wanted for you to be reconciled. I am glad you feel some peace in your heart at this sad time.

Forgot to say - I wonder how you might feel about doing a small ceremony of your own in the woods (especially as he has told you of the place). Maybe take some flowers there, read a poem of your own. I have found such "ceremonies" to be comforting in the past (of course, sad too). And then you could, perhaps, mention this in your thank you letter?

Dear DebohunXL5

My heart goes out to you it's such a heartbreaking situation. I appreciate that everyone is grieving but cannot imagine what you are going through or what your grandchildren must be feeling.

My son disowned his family when he fell in love six weeks after his dad was diagnosed terminal ill. At least he didn't have children only inherited two step daughters.

The closest I have come to your situation is via my DIL . Just over two years ago her niece aged 36 died suddenly, leaving a husband and two young daughters. Her mother sought solace in alcohol hence the GD will not have anything to do with her. So precious granddad misses out. He is now a shadow of his former self and literally the'lights are on and there is nobody in.'

They were such a close knit family just living around the corner, did lots of family things together most weekends went up the coast to the static that granddad had. SIL still has contact with FIL but won't have anything to do with MIL. Of course SIL now has a female friend which is only natural. probably will help with the girls. It is such a sad situation.

Your grandchildren are probably missing you just as much as you are missing them.

I hope that things improve for you as you are suffering enough just losing your daughter without the added torment.xx

trendygran I appreciate the consequences for the OP but to me grieving children come before grieving adults.

The OPs feelings towards their father are clearly bitter, now even if that is justified, he is now the only parent those kids have, and as such is right to seek out those that support him and avoid those who will make his difficult task of being a widower parent harder/more stressful. He needs all his strength to face the task ahead of him for the sake of those children. Looking after him = looking after those in his care.

He sounds quite damaged himself
Of course he bloody is! He is facing a monumental task!

How can a father think this is in their best interests?
He probably has enough to deal with with raising grieving children. How can it be in the childrens best interest to ADD stress/distress to the only parent they have left? He is right to seek solice in his support system and keep himself strong for their sake

Can’t agree With the rather harsh judgement notanan. If you have read the backstory you would see that the children had daily contact with their grandparents until their mum died. So not only have they lost their mum but also their loving grandparents, who have lost their daughter in such tragic circumstances. A little kindness never comes amiss.

It's always worth trying to mend fences. A long, long time ago, after months of agonising, I mended a fence with someone after a messy family death. This person was very upset about the death and said cruel things to me and about me to people who knew me after the death. This person and I had never been close but had known each other for years through the person who died. But the breach was on my conscience even though it was not my fault. I knew she was too proud to get in touch with me. She was actually delighted when I contacted her and I myself felt a liberation. Although we had almost no contact after that at least the breach was healed. Even if I'd failed and she had rejected the olive branch, it would have been worth it.

I hope debohunXL5 that this awful situation can be resolved for you and your estranged family.

Dear debohun
So sorry to hear of your sad situation but I think you know in your heart what to do....find a way to reply to your grandchildren's father and thank him for letting you know where your daughter's ashes have been scattered and for sharing with you the part played by their children..tell him how much it means to you and your husband that you know and let him know that you hope the future will bring peace to you all. Try to put the past where it belongs....you may never know why he behaved the way he did...he might have felt so out of control that he hit out at everything he loved and was losing....you may have a long wait until you can have a relationship with your granddaughters but don't lose hope and leave the door open with no preconditions....love will always find a way. Now you and your husband need to continue grieving together and to support each other knowing that your daughter is close by. Life is so hard sometimes but if we listen to our inner voice we can do what is rIght and so make the path a little smoother. Take care and God bless you all.x

The question is could you just move on? And if you did would it stop hurting? From someone that went through something similar when my husband died I personally would do what I thought was right and for me that would be to knowledge the letter, to say thank you, to say any sorrys that needed to be said, to offer my support and remind him and the kids you were there. That letter could be ripped up, but it might stay in a drawer for a long time and one day may act as a reminder you are there/ wanted to be there. If you ignore it your can kids may think you didn’t care. I personally think you won’t be able to move on unless you do what feels right to you. My heart goes out to you in this very sad difficult time