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Should l go to funeral

(45 Posts)
Dawn22 Fri 31-May-19 16:05:47

My son's best friend's father has died. RIP. I don't like going to funerals at all but part of me feels l should turn up out of form only.
I knew the parents years ago and the father was never nice and caused alot of trouble and now he has passed on.
My son will go of course but does not expect me to go but a part of me says l should go as it would be churlish not to and noticed in the small village l live in.
Yet l don't quite feel up to it.
I would appreciate any views on this dilemma and would be interested to know if anyone else has had this sort of predicament.

wildswan16 Fri 31-May-19 16:10:50

If you don't feel you want to go - then don't go. Should anyone comment that you weren't there (I know this can happen in small communities) then simply say you were unable to attend but feel very sad for X and his family.

Don't let it become a big issue for you - it really isn't.

Niobe Fri 31-May-19 16:12:42

Difficult decision. Had this man been a relative , however distant, I would have said that it would be better to attend but he was not a relative , just the father of your son's best friend so I don't think you are under any obligation to attend.

Eglantine21 Fri 31-May-19 16:17:49

I wouldn’t have wanted anyone at my husband’s funeral who didn’t like him, thought he wasn’t nice and only turned up because they wanted other people to think what a good person they were!

Have a little respect for the grieving family. hmm

annsixty Fri 31-May-19 16:17:58

No, you have no reason or obligation to go.
If your S said , will you come with me mum, that would be different.
As I said on another thread a month ago, there is a lot of hypocrisy about funerals.

hellymart Fri 31-May-19 16:19:32

We women think too much about what we 'should' do and 'what will people think/say?' Who cares? As others have suggested, all you have to say is 'I wasn't able to attend... ' you don't have to give a reason why. Perhaps send a nice card to your son's friend saying you were sorry to hear of his father's death. But don't go just out of 'duty'. Do what you want to do and what is best for you.

HildaW Fri 31-May-19 16:22:48

I've always thought that attending a funeral was either showing respect for the deceased or their family....if you did not respect this person then there is absolutely no reason to go.
You might like to send a card of condolence to the young man however, its his loss and he might appreciate knowing that you understand his grief and wish him well.

annep1 Fri 31-May-19 16:24:41

You would be going for the wrong reasons.

Nonnie Fri 31-May-19 16:25:08

I agree that sending a card is the right thing to do and then don't give it any more thought.

Jane10 Fri 31-May-19 16:37:07

Sometimes people go to funerals to support the family. I know that DH and I have attended funerals of relatives of friends. My mother sometimes wanted one or other of us to attend funerals to represent her when she could no longer go out.
Certainly the older generation had a different attitude to funerals. If you knew them however indirectly, you went!
We appreciated the large turn outs for the funerals of various of our older family members. People attended that we never knew but, somehow, it helped to mark the person's life.
It won't take up much of your time. It's about the people left behind now. Support your son's friend who you must have known for years.

BlueBelle Fri 31-May-19 17:23:27

I don’t think this is difficult at all you are not a friend of the dead man, your son is not asking you to accompany him so why on earth would you think of going
If you are just going to be seen by the village as correct then that’s the totally wrong reason
Send a card to the sons friend if you are still in touch and forget about it

Would you have visited the man in question when he was alive ?

whywhywhy Fri 31-May-19 17:27:07

You are under no obligations to go, so I would just send a sympathy card and stay away. I tend to think these are for families only and outsiders only go to gawk.

Fennel Fri 31-May-19 17:30:26

If your son had really wanted to go with him I would say you should go. But as you say he doesn't expect you to, you have no obligation.
Unless you were close to his best friend. Then I think you should go to support him.
Otherwise send a condolence card to the family.

Fennel Fri 31-May-19 17:31:59

ps as with why above.

Dawn22 Fri 31-May-19 18:14:52

Yes l have a nice card bought which l will send. I have made my mind up not to go and will commiserate kindly with young man when l see him. It was just hard to make that initial decision. Thanks for advice. D

paddyann Fri 31-May-19 18:42:26

i'm with jane10 on this ,funerals are for those who are left behind ,if you are close to his son go to support him

Jane10 Fri 31-May-19 22:16:39

Maybe we have a different attitude to funerals up here paddyann? I also find handwritten letters to be nicer than just cards. I've found great comfort from reading the lovely letters received after my father's death. There's something about taking the trouble to mark a person's life.

Eglantine21 Fri 31-May-19 22:43:43

How would it support anyone in the family to have the OP at the funeral when she so clearly disliked the the deceased and probably didn’t trouble to hide it. Even in this post to strangers she couldnt stop herself saying nasty things about him.

It would turn my stomach to have her there.

janeainsworth Fri 31-May-19 23:06:46

That’s rather harsh Eglantine.
I agree with Jane10 and Paddyann.

I think it depends on how well the OP knows her son’s friend, if she has been a presence in the young man’s life then he may derive comfort from her going to the funeral.
Just because she didn’t like the father, it doesn’t mean she doesn’t feel sympathy for his family.
Surely that’s what attending funerals is about, expressing sympathy and support for the relatives, as much as paying respects to the deceased.

mumofmadboys Fri 31-May-19 23:17:03

I agree that your post is rather harsh,Eglantine

SpringyChicken Sat 01-Jun-19 00:01:45

It's unlikely the family is expecting or wanting you to be there if you've not been in contact for years nor any reason to feel obliged to attend. As for worrying about what others might think, don't waste your time. Life's too short for that.

Eglantine21 Sat 01-Jun-19 02:18:58

I expect I did sound harsh. I thought it was a nasty little post.

There we are. That’s all I can say.

Sara65 Sat 01-Jun-19 08:27:28

If you didn’t like the man, I think it would be totally hypocritical to attend his funeral, and not at all respectful to his family

Jane10 Sat 01-Jun-19 08:47:05

Eglantine I'm sorry that you found my heartfelt post 'nasty'. I feel that you must have missed my points. Obviously, we are all different and have different attitudes to others. For my part, I was deeply touched at the people, some of them peripheral to the late person concerned, who made the effort to attend. I remain grateful to those people and, in my turn, try to do the same for others. It isn't a question of 'gawking,' as another poster put, but of respect and consideration for others.

Eglantine21 Sat 01-Jun-19 09:06:29

No not your post Jane10. Absolutely not. I was referring to the original post which I found dismissive of the deceased (He’s died. RIP) and uncaring to what the family will be feeling, (I should turn up out of form)

The last straw for me was the final bit when the OP thought she might “turn up” and be seen, so that people in the village would think well of her.

I really feel strongly about this, I’m afraid, but didn’t I mean to upset you. Maybe just make the OP take a look at herself,