Should l go to funeral

I agree with everything Eglantine has said.

Our DD's funeral will take place on Thursday. I know there will be people from Norther Ireland attending who made her life miserable when she was going through a messy divorce. Their reason for coming is to support their nephews (Our DGSs) but their contact with DD ended thirteen years ago.

It will stick in my craw but I will greet them with cool politeness then ignore them.

I sometimes go to the service but not the reception afterwards if I didn't know the family.
I would only ever attend a funeral if I knew the deceased, not out of courtesy to his children, but then again there's always a first time.
I do see your dilemma and don't think it's about being seen or not being seen.
Some people say family only which I don't think I would say but who knows! Once my DH was almost thrown out of a church after one funeral because he was due at the next one too and decided to remain in the pew. One was his former boss, the other his uncle.

merlogran sending loving thoughts to you this week.

If you had had a friendly relationship with this man, then it would seem odd perhaps if you didn't go. Your son doesn't feel it necessary for you to go, and you have said you don't want to, so don't go. Easy to say I know, but I too hate funerals and didn't go to that of my best friend many years ago. She wouldn't have expected me to, knowing how I felt about funerals. I did however, write the eulogy, and had a private moment to myself, planted a rose in her name. But it was expected I would go of course... that expectation thing again. We shouldn't feel pressured into doing things we feel strongly about. I don't really see why you feel you should go, unless you were close. So what if your absence is noticed, that's other people's problem, not yours.

You're entitled to feel strongly about it Eglantine. Everyone is entitled to their views.

I cannot think of a single reason why you should go.

I think there are generational or even cultural instincts about funeral attendance. In my Grandmother's day she and her acquaintances used to see it as a badge of honour to attend every funeral going as if it were some sort of organised social event open to all comers. There would be talk of 'good turn outs' and 'fine spreads'. It was seen as a duty to attend no matter what.
Nowadays I do feel we are more independently minded. There is less of the regular church going of Grandma's day...were you went because you 'had to' not because you believed.
Nowadays funerals mean so many different things - a celebration of a life well lived. A grief stricken memorial to a life lost too soon. Or even the last chapter of a quite unpleasant story. If we feel we would like to be part of the occasion whether it be through respect, sympathy or to get some sense of finality then all well and good. If we feel that we have nothing in common and nothing to say then we should not feel obliged to go. Attendance can be painful for many and for very difference reasons. It can bring back emotions of those we have lost ourselves and the older we get the more that happens. If others judge us for our lack of attendance then I feel that reflects more upon them as being unsympathetic and intolerant.

Eglantine
You are spouting on and giving all sorts of bad opinions without knowing any true facts of the case. Stop it now. You have said too much already.
Dawn.

My H died 6 weeks ago.
A former neighbour who moved just locally and with whom we have had no contact since, about 5 years, knocked on my door, handed me a card and asked when the funeral was as my H " was a lovely man".
If he couldn't be bothered to ask how he was or to come and see him in that time, there was no way he would have been welcome.
As some of you may know we had no funeral as that was may and my H's wishes.
Everyone who loved him and who he loved said their goodbyes in his last days.
That is good enough for me.

I gave very scant details because there is way more to this story that l can reveal here. This man's son sat at my kitchen table last night where l comiserrated with him deeply and offered him any food and drink he wanted. It was to my home he chose to come to himself where he would only ever receive kindness especially in these hard days before his father 's funeral.

I would like to thank especially Ditzyme and others for there kind, thoughtful, measured, helpful and perceptive replies.
Dawn

Sorry. Posting a lot here on my first time. DH watching Vera which I hate.
I am on AS which does mean I don't get normal emotions sometimes.
I avoid most funerals. The deceased knows I am sad so I do not feel any need to appear at the funeral. If I was not sad/ friends with deceased it would not occur to me to attend.

Funerals are a metaphorical minefield, in my experience. My father's funeral was a very weird one. My father was a religious maniac (probably because he was such a dreadful man, confession wiped away his considerable sins on a weekly basis). All the parish holy rollers thought he was a good man but actually the priests knew better, probably because they heard the things he confessed to. Only two members of his family turned up, plus family friends who were there to support me and sister. My other sister didn't turn up. Probaby just as well, she probably would have tap danced on his coffin given half a chance.

A number of people came to my FiL's funeral who were not family and who hardly knew him, if at all.

They came because that's what we do in our village, we support the bereaved people that we know, even if we didn't know the deceased. And it's much appreciated.

I would send a sympathy card to the family. No need to attend.

I was quite upset when a couple of people who had never met my dad came. They also chatted during the special song we had chosen then came to the hotel to enjoy the social chat and sandwiches.

OP, you know the answer to your question.....don't go, don't even consider it.

Why on earth feel bound to go to the funeral of someone you haven't seen in years and never liked anyway, just because he was the father of your son's best friend.

I think some on here are being too harsh. If Dawn22 has a relationship with the young man that is her son's friend, then going to the funeral shows her support to him.

I would probably go, but perhaps keep your visit to the tea afterwards very brief, giving condolence to those you know and like. You don't need to like the diseased to show respect to the family.

The original post is from a May! Surely the funeral has been and gone........

May. Not a May.....