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Bereavement

Someone smashed up my husbands grave

(45 Posts)
pinkjj27 Thu 20-Jun-19 12:12:42

Hi
I have never actually posted my own post before but I feel so sad and anxious I just need to share.

My husband passed away 3 years ago I struggle with his loss but find comfort in going to the grave weekly. My grandkids visit too sometimes.

Over the last few weeks I have noticed silly small things at his grave . First the grave was covered in grass cutting and leaves, it was piled so high I knew it wasn’t natural but I put it down to kids. Then I noticed flowers had been removed from the vases just little things over a number of weeks .

I popped up yesterday after work, (I visit weekly) everything had been removed and what was left had been smashed up. His little markers that said granddad, husband, sadly missed and so on were gone, the vases had been smashed his planters of wild flowers removed all the personal bits removed. The cross had been pulled up with the little wire fence removed and just thrown on the grave.

My husband was estranged from his family and there was a lot of bittiness and this was clearly personal. I think it’s someone that knows me but I can’t accuse anyone. No other grave near his seems to have been tampered with. I have spoken to the grave yard council and they did not remove anything and say vandalism is very unheard of this grave yard and feel this was someone that knew my husband. I have reported it to the police but dont want to waste their time.
I feel sad, anxious and lost so just wanted to share it. There is nothing left on the grave they had even tried to pull up the slate stones.
I put the cross and fence back and tidied it up best I could.

I always wanted a grave that showed he was loved to bits and this looks like he was unloved and uncared for.

Do I just start again and hope they it doesn’t happen again or do as my friends says and leave the grave undressed and empty ?
Thanks for listening.

moggie57 Thu 20-Jun-19 12:18:54

i would leave a message on the grave next time .saying that they are being watched and the police have been informed...but i would keep caring for the grave. dont give into them .any chance you can change your visiting day .you may catch them red handed. or get a secret camera hidden in the next ornament./flowers.they are unfeeling and nasty people.

suziewoozie Thu 20-Jun-19 12:23:01

This is so sad. But remember you know he was loved to bits - he will always be in your heart. Could you have a little memorial elsewhere that couldn’t be vandalised - like a plaque? It doesn’t sound like you're in the UK - is this a public graveyard or attached to a church. Or could you plant a bush or rose in your garden if you have one? I’m so sorry this has happened - it does sound personal.

GrandmaJan Thu 20-Jun-19 12:25:03

pinkjj27 this is appalling and how anyone could do this is beyond me. My heart goes out to you. I know you’ve probably already asked this but are there any CCTV cameras nearby? I know where I live they have them in all of the cemeteries to deter anyone thinking of causing trouble. I agree with everything moggie57 has said and I hope whoever is doing this stops.

Ilovecheese Thu 20-Jun-19 12:26:12

I am so sorry this has happened. susiewoozy makes a good suggestion .

mosaicwarts Thu 20-Jun-19 12:26:57

I am so very sorry to read this, how shocking for you.

For a moment I wondered if the cemetery rules had changed - in Steve's cemetery there is a notice saying that 'illegal ornaments' and vases have been removed and put in the shed. I couldn't believe it - absolutely everything people have personalised their loved ones graves with have been bundled into the shed.

I agree with your friend's suggestion, I would leave it undressed for the moment. Has someone recently come back to the area that held a grudge against your husband?

Whilst you are waiting for this disturbed person to leave the area or stop vandalising, you could set up a little area in your garden instead. For your own safety, I'd also tell people when you are going to the cemetery - this person's actions are not those of someone I'd want you to bump into.

GillT57 Thu 20-Jun-19 12:32:15

How awful. Maybe don't rise to their bait? Keep your hsuband's grave neat and tidy, but as others have said, you know he was loved, maybe keep a small memorial in your garden that you can tend and leave flowers at, or plant a rose bush? If you replace the stolen and vandalised items it is likely that they will only steal and vandalise again so don't give these cruel people the satisfaction.

fizzers Thu 20-Jun-19 12:38:08

One other thing you could do is go to the local press, see if they can't help by writing a piece about it

pinkjj27 Thu 20-Jun-19 12:44:27

Thank you for answering so kind.

The police have told me to put a camera in but that seems so intrusive in a grave yard where people grieve and bury love ones..

moggie57 I did think about putting a laminated note on that said you can’t take my love or my memories away and you wont change the love he had for me and you wont break my sprit ( even if they have) so now you have suggested that too I think I will.
suziewoozie I am in the UK South East its is a public grave yard but a very small beautiful quiet on.
I do have a tree for him at home but he asked me to bury him in his birthplace and he wanted a public marker. He always said he wanted to be cremated then one day he said I want to go into this grave yard and I would like you to visit about once a month ( I go weekly and daily in half terms and summer breaks) and I would like this to be a marker to me.

WadesNan Thu 20-Jun-19 12:51:34

So very sorry this has happened. If you do leave a note perhaps you could say a camera has been installed - even if there isn't (and I can understand your reasons for not doing so) - and any footage will be handed to the police.

I have had things stolen from my father's grave and I know how upsetting that was but to have items deliberately smashed must be worse.

Blinko Thu 20-Jun-19 12:54:32

This is just awful and I'm sorry this is happening to your loved one's grave. There are some good ideas on here. I like Fizzers advice re the local press.

Wishing you well flowers

Septimia Thu 20-Jun-19 13:00:27

What an unkind thing to do!

I'm not in favour of all the personal bits that people put on graves but there's a reason for that. As a churchwarden I have responsibility for the churchyard and the rules there are different from municipal cemeteries. Sometimes we have to remind people that there are rules as to what kind of memorials and other things are acceptable. The rules are set by diocese, not us. We discourage vases and things because they get in the way of the mower (all the grasscutting is done by volunteers).

However, smashing things up and generally vandalising a grave is certainly not acceptable. I would suggest that you leave tidy and with minimal material to be damaged for the time being. Have a small place at home as a memorial, perhaps. When a little time has passed, see about a permanent memorial in the cemetery - perhaps by then whoever is doing the damage will have lost interest.

pinkjj27 Thu 20-Jun-19 13:03:40

mosaicwarts
I have spoken to the grave yard and no this was not them some of the graves are heaving with stuff my husband is quite simple in comparison to most but the kids like to put things on it.
GillT57 No I wont rise to the bait I wont strike back or be dragged down to their level.
I think in the end they will give up before I do.
fizzers My boss suggested the press but the police said this is personal and adviced against it.

EllanVannin Thu 20-Jun-19 13:05:21

Horrendous ! I can't think of a worse act of vandalism than to disallow the dead to rest in peace. I think it's an evil act.

I walk through my local cemetery a lot to get to shops on the other side of the vast area and marvel at those graves which are loved and untouched other than by those who tend to them. I actually " greet " everyone too ( oh dear )

I'd be in tears if I saw one which had been disturbed.

chocolatepudding Thu 20-Jun-19 13:25:06

I am so sorry to read of this upsetting event.

A few years ago my DSis's grave was vandalised. My parents had placed a simple grey gravestone with her name and dates (she was only 3 days old) on the grave in a cemetery in a very well to do area of Surrey. Unfortunately none of the family live nearby but I visited one day as DH was working nearby. I found the grave hidden under 4 feet of bracken and someone had carved 3 swastikas into the stonework. I was very upset and arranged for a local stonemason to recut the surface of the gravestone. I also expressed my dismay at the state of the graveyard as the whole of the children's area was completely overgrown. Since then the whole area has been better maintained. Fortunately I have a friend who visits a dentist nearby and always checks the grave for me as I live 100 miles away.

cornergran Thu 20-Jun-19 13:35:05

I’m so sorry pink, this is pure vandalism and must be deeply upsetting. Sadly I think I agree with the advice to simply tidy your husbands grave and maintain your dignity. Perhaps out some small, meaningful things by the tree you have at home and make that your focus for a while. I’m no technical expert but I do wonder if there would be a cctv camera that you could site in a way that wouldn’t impinge on the privacy of others. A local police community support officer would advice I think. We had very helpful information from our pcso after some fairly minor but distressing vandalism. Wishing you well.

midgey Thu 20-Jun-19 14:04:39

How horrible for you. flowers

jura2 Thu 20-Jun-19 14:06:37

Very sad and shocking for you and children, grandchildren. Really you need to talk to local police and local Press if they advise.

xxx

BlueBelle Thu 20-Jun-19 14:21:14

Pink I totally feel for you At the moment our local graveyard is getting vandalised and it never has before (well I haven’t seen it) but vases are being broken and thrown, toys removed and scattered from some of the baby graves, it is heart rendering it also seems random not at the same time/day or in the same part of the graveyard
Could it be kids if so why? could it be drunks ? Is there some national game to smash up graves it has been reported to police Council and it’s been in the press and on fb but all to no avail
It’s utterly disrespectful soul destroying and an awful feeling for you
I so feel for you ?

Anja Thu 20-Jun-19 14:32:25

Unfortunately there are sick and heartless people out there. I’m saddened to read this.

GrandmaMoira Thu 20-Jun-19 14:36:14

Pink, I just wanted to say you have my sympathies. This is such an awful thing to do.

nanaK54 Thu 20-Jun-19 14:49:14

Such a lot of good advice already so I can only add that I am sending you kind thoughts flowers

crazyH Thu 20-Jun-19 14:50:21

Oh Pink......I feel so sorry for you. You go every week, how lovely !
Such nasty people about. Why can't they leave the dead in peace and give the bereaved, a chance to mourn them. Don't rise to the bait....they probably are waiting for a reaction. Keep visiting and keep leaving some flowers. They will eventually get fed up.
I am seriously thinking of having my ashes scattered. I doubt my children will have the time or inclination to visit me and lay flowers. My friend's husband passed away 5 years ago and I doubt she or the children have visited 5 or 6 times in all these years. It's all so sad.....people have no time for the living, let alone the dead.

jenpax Thu 20-Jun-19 14:55:42

Horrendous! I feel so sorry for you. A CCTV camera does seem to me to be an excellent idea

Izabella Thu 20-Jun-19 15:27:39

Shocking.