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I don’t want to accept that my DH has gone

(76 Posts)
oryx1 Thu 25-Jul-19 01:45:02

It has been three months now since the love of my life passed away. We had planned for my demise with my cancer, but I never for a moment thought he would go before me. I have made up a room where I go every day and sit with photos of him and I burn candles and have the TV going in the background and play cards on the laptop. I do my chores and only eat when I’m hungry. I have minimal contact with our 2 children, we never saw them much before as they were always busy with their lives and even less of the grandchildren and they have only phoned twice each since and that was ages ago. They never came to see us when we were both in hospital over recent years. The trouble is I just don’t want to do anything or have contact with people. I have one brother who has been wonderful and I’ve been out to stay (4 hours away) with his family two times and he included me on his recent week long holiday which was a diversion for me but I don’t want to be a burden to them with my misery. I am getting grief counselling but I’m thinking of stopping this as it does not help much. I have ceased all my medical treatment and just wish to be with my DH but it’s not happening quick enough for me. I’ve been reading books on the “afterlife” but who really knows if there is anything after death? I just miss him so. Thank you for listening.

Minniemoo Thu 25-Jul-19 02:09:43

How desperately sad. I can only imagine how great a loss this is. People grieve in different ways. When my mother died, a totally different relationship to yours, but I too went into some sort of lock down. I didn't go out, didn't want to see anyone. Didn't eat. Such a shame you don't have a good relationship with your children. Would you like more contact with them or is that not something you'd want. This is your grief and you will deal with it at your own pace. Will stopping medication cause you pain? Would he have wanted you to stop? I'm so sorry I can't be of any help at all but I just wanted to answer you. At least you have your brother ... would a move nearer to them be something you might consider further down the line? Life can be so desperately sad at times x

Lyndiloo Thu 25-Jul-19 02:36:50

So sorry for your loss, Oryxl. This is early days for you, so please do keep on with your counselling. Your grief will take its course, and in time you will feel better, and more able to manage your life.

Your brother is a blessing. And I'm sorry that your children haven't been more supportive to you.

The old saying, 'Time Heals', is true. Well, it doesn't actually heal, but the pain gets less over time, and you will find other things to take your mind off the loss of your husband. You've got to be strong now and 'hang on in there'.

Don't cut yourself off from other people or old friends. These will help you get over your loss, or at least, give you moments of respite from your grief.

And - most importantly - you must get back onto your medical treatment!

And YES, I am sure that there IS life after death. I've had too many experiences of this, not to believe it.

We all have out allotted time here, then we move on. We don't die. We only die from this dimension.

My thoughts are with you. God bless.

oryx1 Thu 25-Jul-19 03:48:01

Thank you Minniemoo and Lyndiloo both for your kind words. Right now I really do not want more chemo, it is so debilitating and luckily I don't have much pain right now. As to my kids, they seem very wrapped up in their own lives, and right now I haven't the energy to listen to them. But I am starting to feel alone. My dear neighbour who is 88 has been coming over to chat. She is a widow too but she has been away. I must go and see her, as I think she is now back. Thank you again.

BradfordLass72 Thu 25-Jul-19 04:34:21

oryx1 You must be absolutely heartbroken and I don't blame you. Three months is the blink of an eye; no one gets over the death of someone as precious and wonderful as your husband in 3 months.

In fact we never do, we just learn to manage it and even then, it's a hard road to walk.

I am so sorry you don't have support from your children, that adds sadness to your grief.

Right now you may be thinking there is no good reason to carry on, and for sure you won't see the reasons now but my firm belief is that what we do in this world, how we touch people's lives, always makes a difference.

It may be that you can, in the future say just the right word to another widow, and ease her despair.

Meanwhile, sit with your darling husband and talk with him as you are doing, you will get a sense of him loving you and being there for you because love never dies oryx1, even when the body does.

With my love and prayers. flowers

oryx1 Thu 25-Jul-19 05:11:30

BradfordLass72 .. Thank you for your comforting words.

Pantglas1 Thu 25-Jul-19 05:29:50

Lovely and true words BradfordLass72. Be kind to yourself oryx1, don’t rush through this grieving process and I hope any further treatment you have goes well. flowers

hondagirl Thu 25-Jul-19 05:33:48

I am so sorry for how you are feeling. I can totally understand as I lost my husband 3 months ago as well. I am fortunate enough to have a caring family but they do not live close by and it is very hard. I have just been to visit my daughter and family, but I find it was just a diversion and it's even harder now that I have come back home to an empty house. I think I am all right on certain days and then it just hits out of the blue, the realisation that he is not coming back is very painful. I am trying to take it one day at a time and trying to find comfort in the small things, such as a nice relaxing bath. Try to be kind to yourself and take small steps. You don't have to socialise if you don't feel like it, just going out for a walk in the fresh air can make you feel better. Before he died my husband was always concerned about how I would cope and it helps me to think that he is watching over me and so it helps me to cope a little better.

BlueBelle Thu 25-Jul-19 07:22:31

I would like to add my heartfelt thoughts to this thread oryxl
My love, you are in shock and understandably so You are so lucky to have had a ‘love of your life’ and everyday will seem like a burden without him in it please don’t give up on the counselling it will take time, it’s not a quick fix I can understand you not wanting the chemo and that has to be your choice, At the moment you don’t really want to be here in this world without him do you? but we can’t guarantee there is anything else after although it’s comforting to think there is
You have wonderful memories to live off now and although they are not the same as what you had together they will be a comfort
What would he have wanted you to do ? I d bet he would have said pick yourself up and get that treatment and live the rest of your life for me
You need to go on for him because without you here then his memory is lost too
When you come out of the shock maybe you can do something in his name, in his memory that will have meaning
Sending you a cuddle

Persistentdonor Thu 25-Jul-19 07:26:14

Oh Oryx, how very sad.
You must be absolutely side swiped to lose your other half, and at a time when you are in turmoil about your own illness too.
Grief is a very individual process, taking its own time, and it cannot be rushed.
Making your own life as tolerable as you can, is all you can do, to get through each day.
I'm so glad your brother offers some comfort.

nanaK54 Thu 25-Jul-19 07:33:00

So many wise words above, so I just send you my kindest thoughts flowers

Blinko Thu 25-Jul-19 07:40:58

Oryx1, I can't add to the wise words already expressed on this thread. Just sending kind thoughts. Be kind to yourself, flowers

Bellasnana Thu 25-Jul-19 07:47:02

Having cancer yourself is enough of a burden to bear without the added sorrow of losing your dear husband.

I do understand your decision to stop treatment. My sister also reached the stage where she felt enough was enough, and , believe me, she had battled through six years of fighting to live. However, as you say, the treatment sometimes causes such awful side effects that your quality of life suffers.

I’m so, so sorry. Life can be so desperately cruel and unfair. flowers

Yorksherlass Thu 25-Jul-19 08:04:04

* oryxl* I am so sorry for your loss, your story has brought me to tears this morning, I can’t even imagine how you are feeling and coping but I just wanted to send you love and positive energy , keep strong x

dragonfly46 Thu 25-Jul-19 08:09:00

Oryx1 I am so sorry you lost your DH. Please take comfort from the wise words above.{{hugs}}

Lessismore Thu 25-Jul-19 08:52:47

Perhaps the GC don't know what to do or say?

Just a thought, so sorry you are facing this.

luluaugust Thu 25-Jul-19 09:01:13

Sending you kind thoughts and flowers

Fennel Thu 25-Jul-19 09:19:17

oryxl - how sad for you, It's something I dread, Daren't think about. And you have your own illness too.
As someone said still speak to him, he will be listening.
There's a theory that when a couple have a loving marriage their 2 souls combine and even death doesn't separate them.
Thinking of you - flowers.

Dillyduck Thu 25-Jul-19 09:23:02

I was widowed 13 years ago, when just 54.
My top tip would be to join the Widows Forum called "Way Up". It's really helpful.
Why are you so determined to give up, when you should be so grateful for the love you knew, to be alive, and well.
It's time for you to start managing your grief. I now think that I should try extra hard to live life to the full, as I have to do it for both of us now. It's better to have loved, and lost, than never to have loved.
Start by setting yourself a routine, especially around food.
Go for a walk every day.

Ask the doctor for some anti depressants, to help you through the worst.

Dillyduck Thu 25-Jul-19 09:25:02

Also, think what your husband would say about your current behaviour. I know mine would be giving me a good talking to about not wasting the life I have. For me, a cancer survivor, that is extra important. So many people in this world are battling with life threatening illnesses.

RosieLeah Thu 25-Jul-19 09:26:17

Three months is no time at all. Allow yourself time to grieve and do it in the way that suits you.

Rosina Thu 25-Jul-19 09:37:42

My friend has also lost her much loved dear husband this year and is suffering terribly oryxl; my heart goes out to you and I hope some of the very sound advice here will help and comfort a little. I read that 'To have, to love, and then to part is the greatest trial of the human heart'.
Perhaps try to think that your husband would not want you to be so unhappy. xx

Molly10 Thu 25-Jul-19 09:48:54

How very sad. I am very sorry for your loss, oryxl. It is a most difficult time for you.

I don't know how old you are but please try to keep the doors open to others. Life does go on and you need comfort and support in this time. Better to go out smiling and laughing with someone than your life draining away which could be long and painful.

Have a chat with your neighbour and maybe have a day out together. x

Lumarei Thu 25-Jul-19 09:59:10

Beautiful comment BradfordLass. Can’t add anything to that.

Lumarei Thu 25-Jul-19 10:00:56

Oryx1 my heart felt sympathy.