I don’t want to accept that my DH has gone

grief

Thank you very much for your recent posts. The grirf I feel is absolutely awful and unrelenting, isn't it.

I'm sorry for your loss. I can't say much more after all the other Grans best wishes here, just echo them.

I feel so sorry for you please try and continue with your counselling. Don’t give up try and take solace of the lovely times you had and the love you had together, sending you hugs.

Sending a hand-hold.

Lovely message Bradford Lass, I shall try to remind myself of your last paragraph whenever I’m feeling down about losing my husband suddenly.

Oryxl and all who have lost someone special, I send my love and a big hug. There is so much wisdom and kindness on . Gransnet though sorry you were upset Ann. Had they known you were grieving i am sure they would have been kinder.
A day at a time, a step at a time.

It is now 4 months since my H of 60 years died.
He was so ill that it was a relief as others have said.
Then the grief and the guilt set in.
I should not have had him go into care, he was only there for 4 months, I should have struggled on longer.
I didn’t visit him enough, 4 times a week and every day for the month he was in hospital.
This was all stupid of course, I couldn’t have done more.
But we are irrational at this sad time.
On Saturday I started a thread on here, totally wrong I know because my neighbour started mowing his lawn in the lovely evening, I was so upset with him and so very upset with the answers I got from some GNers that the tears started and wouldn’t stop.
We are all vulnerable no matter how long our loved ones have been gone, I suspect we always will be but I know they would want us to find some small joys in life and perhaps give some small joys to others.
The best thing we can do for us and for them is to live well.

So sorry for your loss Justme67. I like the idea of writing letters and notes about your life and to your children. I still have aspirations of writing the story of our lives but I have been procrastinating. I am continuing to rely heavily on one of my brothers and visit him often and have just got back again today from a 4 day visit.
Otherwise I still prefer to sit at home and do nothing much. I am not bursting into tears as much but the ache is still there. My lovely next door neighbour visits often for a cuppa and I like that. Thank you for your thoughts and a little of your life too. It does help me.

I have commented on this thread before, because my lovely man died in February this year, and yes I miss him, as all the others on this thread have done, but for some reason I have not been unhappy, sad, yes, but not unhappy. I occasionally open a drawer or cupboard most of which have been cleared, but there just might be something there which brings back memories and I burst into tears, I don't bother to stop them, just wait until I feel better. I am fortunate, my dearest friend here, whose husband died a few days after mine has dementia and her daughter is living with her, we meet up several times a week (courtesy of another couple of friends with transport for me), and there is also another newer friend whose husband died just before mine. She is fine, but like me says it is the little things that trigger the tears. I think the thing that keeps us going is the fact that we have made the effort to get out there and try to live a life which does no include 'another'. It is difficult, but we belong to groups which know and understand about our loss, friends are one of our assets as the moment. I have in the past written little bits and pieces about the family, written my children letters for when I am no longer here, and kept them on file, I have taken the opportunity of reading these through again, and putting them altogether in one place on file, so that they can read them, and a little bit of family history later on, I hope they enjoy them, just really telling them what the already know, I think. ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,and now my friend with the on-set of dementia has phoned to say her daughter will pick me up this afternoon and take me out for a cup of tea, and I have just started to cry again, no idea why, it will pass. Sorry to go on.

Thank you all again, I really appreciate your words and taking time to reply. I am continuing my councelling, doing some cooking ( I used to love cooking for DH), looked up a ghost writer here in Australia to tell our story but was shocked at the quote of 25,000 to 50,000 dollars, so I have started writing this myself - up to page 4, paying more attention to my 2 cats, venturing outside more .. and life goes on ..

I lost my husband after 52 years of marriage eighteen months ago. You never really get over the loss but finally learn to accept it.

Your husband would have wanted you to be as happy as you can while you still have life, so make the most of every day, try and find different interests and mix with others. Life will never be the same but take comfort from people who are in a smilar position.

So glad you’re finding some sort of comfort from Gransnet members oryxl, they’re a wise lot. I would just say - sit down and write to your children, tell them, perhaps in slightly different words but with the same feeling, what you’ve just told us. Look at the result you’ve triggered on here, my lovely. You’ve made a brilliant start putting those feelings into words, now up the anti and go for it. I do wish you well, I have nothing but admiration for your courage.

So sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to you.

Thank you all from the bottom of my heart. I am overwhelmed by all of your caring and wise words and so many lovely people whom I don't know saying so many encouraging things. You have all helped me greatly, just me realising that people care. I don't feel so alone now and I am truly amazed.

I’m so very sorry for your loss. I lost my husband and soul mate of 40 years just over two years ago - a shock diagnosis of lung cancer and he died a week later. I have health problems, and like yourself, I always though I would go first, so I know a little of how you feel now.

Firstly, can I say that acceptance of loss is one of the hardest things, and it takes time. I well remember the overwhelming sorrow that came at certain times of the day which were associated with our daily life together - popping home for a quick lunch, hearing the key in the door at a certain time everyday, the silence instead of the buzz of activity from his ‘man cave’ garage at the weekends !! It takes time for your brain to adjust so that you stop expecting the normal routine. When this happens - and it will - you will learn to accept what’s happened. It as I say, it does take time.

Grief is such a personal thing and three months in is very early. It’s like being on an emotional rollercoaster, and it’s such an awful, all consuming feeling that you want it to be over, you want to feel better, but believe me it can’t be rushed and at the moment I think you are doing the right thing with grief counselling.

My counsellor told me that it helps to think of grief as a circle filled with mixed emotions. You move through the circle and you may find that sometimes you seem to go backwards or even get ‘stuck’ in a particular emotional state. It’s all normal. I felt that I couldn’t go on with counselling after just a few sessions, but I persevered and I found it helped just having that outlet and being able to talk to someone who wasn’t ‘involved’ - no chance of upsetting family or saying the wrong thing.

Grief is a very personal thing and it takes as long as it takes, but I have to say I don’t think the loss of a life partner is something you ever ‘get over’. This is a concept held by people who have never actually experienced it, but what they don’t appreciate is that your life is changed for ever and you can never be the same person. I can tell you from experience that it does get easier - you learn how to live with it and you can be happy again. You just have to redefine what happiness actually means now. It sounds impossible now, but slowly you adjust and the loss becomes bearable..

The only words of advice I can give are to take it one day at a time and try to be kind to yourself. There is a really good website called WayUp. The people on there are all in the same situation, some are further on than others but there is a wealth of experience and advice on offer. It’s not a dating site, so don’t be afraid of unwanted attention because it’s very carefully monitored. It’s just a source of much needed support and friendship from those who know what it’s like, so when you feel up to it, give it a go.

I wish you well, and again my sincere condolences.

There's nothing left to say that hasn't been said, but by the number of messages left for you you must know that other people do care and wish you well.????

oryx1 , I am so sorry to read about the death of your DH. Big hugs to you.

Oh I am so sorry for your loss, and can see how you feel through your words. I wish I could say some words of comfort, but they would never do.

Take your time lovely, do what you feel is the best for you. Xx

I am truly sorry for your loss and can’t even begin to imagine how you feel. My lovely Mum died seven years ago after fifty very happy years of marriage to my Dad. I honestly don’t know how he coped. I was heartbroken and it took such a long time before life felt like it was worth living. One thing I took comfort from, oddly enough, was a phrase by the Queen. She said, ‘Grief is the price we pay for love’. It had real meaning for me, what you are going through now hurts so much because you loved him so much. I do hope that you find some peace and understanding x

Oryx, I can only echo what others far wiser than me have said. Three months is nothing and you must just be kind to yourself. I know the grief that losing a loved one brings as my DH died last year and I am sitting here now feeling so sorry for myself, but what brings me out of it is the thought that he would want me to live my life to the full and not give up. I hope you can in time restart your cancer treatment and feel that there is still some point in living. If you are well enough try to get out a bit and investigate things to do in your area; that is what I did, and it does make you feel better. Sending you best wishes.

I'm so sorry you feel this way, oryx. Being widowed is awful but at three months it's still very early days.
Please look after your health, I'm sure your DH wouldn't have wanted you to give up like this.
You'll always have your memories but you must keep on putting one foot in front of the other. It will get better in time although life will never be the same.

Oryxl, the things we hear, such as 'one day at a time', 'this too will pass', and 'we're never given more than we can bear', seem like platitudes, I know, but nevertheless, there may be some truth or purpose in them. Try to apply them to the terrible position you are in at the moment. They will not change the situation, but may bring a little comfort, and courage to go on. Remind yourself of the love, care and comfort you gave your husband, and let it remind you that you are a very worthwhile person - your life is valuable. Thinking of you.

I lost my Dad in March, he was aged 94 but he left my Mom behind, she will be 97 shortly. Mom has found it extremely difficult to accept that he has gone but I suppose at their ages you expect it. She is just bumbling along each day as best she can. I phone her twice a day and visit every 10/14 days (she lives 3 hours drive away). She wants to stay in their home, this is not a problem, as she feels closer to Dad. She has also seen him on more than one iccasion. So, although your husband has gone, he is still with you. I am sorry for your loss and how devastated you are, but he is there with his hand in your shoulder.

Bluebelle, what a lovely post and I echo all that was said. Orxyl I am sending you my good wishes and a hug.