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My DD in Australia has miscarried

(32 Posts)
glennie59 Thu 21-May-20 14:39:31

Hi, my first posting so please bear with me. My daughter miscarried her first child two weeks ago, and I need advice on how to help her. At the moment she will not face time but will message me if I message her. She is a nurse and is working crazy hours to distract herself, she has joined a forum for miscarriage I have talked to her about counselling but she is not willing and I hope I have avoided all the platitudes. Today she told me she was in a black place, she has told two of her friends and I should say she has a very caring husband. I myself feel like I am crying inside and all I want to do is fly over and hug her. Any advice is welcome

Wibby Thu 21-May-20 14:49:03

Its still very early days for her, dont push her, just tell her that when shes ready to talk you will be there for her.

Newatthis Thu 21-May-20 14:51:23

I agree with Wibby. My thoughts and sympathy are with both of you. Just be there for her.

paddyanne Thu 21-May-20 14:56:47

I had several miscarriages ,after the first loss I didn't tell anyone before 16 weeks ,my time I felt it would go well.Ifelt that with the first I'd had to carry everyone esles grief as well as my own and I just wanted to be left alone.Give your daughter time and space and let her deal with it her own way. Even my mum didn't knw about them until years later.When I was pregnant with my son,my last pregnancy ,I was taken into hospital with pre eclampsia ,one of the nurses was a friend of mums and I had to swear her to secrecy until baby was safely delivered at 28 weeks ,then of course people had to know .We all have our own way of coping,try to talk to her about other things not her loss ,she'll talk when its right for her.

Galaxy Thu 21-May-20 15:36:35

I am sorry to hear that. I had a miscarriage and went straight back to work very soon afterwards. People cope in different ways. I 'talked' about it on mumsnet to people I didnt know and it helped. It sounds like she may be doing that with the miscarriage group. It is often helpful to talk to women who have been through it, it's sometimes easier than talking to people you know. I think you just have to follow her lead flowers

Doodle Thu 21-May-20 15:45:00

So sorry for you and your daughter. flowers

BlueBelle Thu 21-May-20 15:51:52

Galaxy although I was very close with my mum and dad I don’t think I even told them when I lost a baby I did talk to friends and that seemed enough it was forty something years ago but still wonder about this little baby that never was
It’s very sad for you both glennie but let it be, she has a kind caring husband and seems to have supportive friends so try not to bring it up unless she does just let her know you are always there if she needs anything it’s hard for us to realise our children are not our babies to make better any more

sodapop Thu 21-May-20 15:55:45

That is sad for all of you glennie59 more difficult knowing you can't be there to help. It does sound as if your daughter has support and people to talk to. You can help by letting her talk when she wants to. Take things at her pace as others have said, thanks

GrannyLaine Thu 21-May-20 16:20:26

glennie59 welcome to Gransnet.
I'm sorry to hear of your daughter's loss, and of course, its a loss for you too. It feels hard as a parent not to hold them in your arms and make everything alright for them doesn't it? But in this situation, you can't make it alright. They will work through their grief together and come out the other side. And they will never forget the little one that might have been.
All you can do is love them from afar. flowers

Fennel Thu 21-May-20 16:49:22

Miscarriage must be one of the hardest things to overcome. I know how you feel glennie it happened twice to one of our daughters. But we were nearby.
Even so as others have said she and her husband need to work through their grief together. As long as she knows you will be there to support them both if you're needed.

25Avalon Fri 22-May-20 09:19:22

A miscarriage can be a huge shock. It was to me and left me feeling very down. Although my mother was very sympathetic I found the most helpful support was a letter from my sister in law who had suffered similarly and understood exactly how I felt. The forum may well be the best for her. Also don’t forget your sil who is also probably very upset. Hopefully together they will find their way through this difficult time.

Missiseff Fri 22-May-20 09:21:53

It must be awful to be so far away when the first thing we want to do is run to them. So sorry for you both x

lynn56 Fri 22-May-20 09:35:57

Just make sure she knows you are there to listen and be ready for anything from despair to anger. I had 4 miscarriages before I got my gorgeous daughter who now has 2 babies. My mother never understood because she had 5 children and no problems . She was a loving mum But just didn’t understand so just wanted me to stop trying as she was concerned about loosing me . As another said my best support came from my sister who had been through it .
Worst thing to say — you can have another because you need to grieve for this baby .
When I went through this almost 40 years ago I found counselling helpful but now there is so much help with support groups etc which I wish I had had access to. The other help I got was a lovely minister I knew who helped me to name the babies - this gave me some peace although I am not a religious person.
I hope your daughter and husband heal together and have a great future .

CW52 Fri 22-May-20 10:03:01

Our DC was 12,000 miles away when she miscarried the first time and it broke my heart to be so far away. She then had 2 normal pregnancies but miscarried again. That time I was there. She still found great comfort in talking to people on social media and in forums. Give her time, she’ll come through.

sazz1 Fri 22-May-20 10:07:21

I had a miscarriage after my first child was born. We planned to have 2 children 2 years apart so it was a planned pregnancy. I ended up in hospital and had a D&C but the doctor accused me of taking something to end the pregnancy as they only found the placenta and not the foetus. Years later I realised it was a miss miscarriage where the baby doesn't grow and just the placenta develops. But it made me very unhappy for years after wondering if it was my fault.
Tell your daughter there will be other pregnancies. Sometimes it can be because of disease, or abnormalities that the pregnancy doesn't progress. We had 2 healthy children afterwards

Smileless2012 Fri 22-May-20 10:13:36

glennieflowersfor you and your daughter.

Teetime Fri 22-May-20 10:17:37

glennie59 I am so sorry for your loss and that your daughter is so far away. You sound like a lovely caring Mum which is what every girl needs. I dont have any advice I'm afraid other that letting her know how much you love her, keep in touch by as many means as you can. She will recover but needs time.

BlueBelle Fri 22-May-20 10:24:03

sazzi I can relate to that doctors inconsiderate words when I was taken in for a Dand C after a miscarriage the doctor called it an abortion afterwards I realised that was his perhaps generic term for losing a baby But I remembered clearly I was desperately saying crying ‘I haven’t aborted my baby’ and thinking he thought I d done it on purpose

jaylucy Fri 22-May-20 10:24:03

I had a stillbirth followed by a miscarriage before my son was finally born.
It depends on how far advanced the pregnancy was and how she grieves tbh.
There is little anyone outside your daughter and her OH can do apart from be supportive , even from a distance. I would guess that the forum will help - discussing your feelings with others that have had the same experience can usually help but in some strange way, your daughter may be feeling guilty that she has been able to return to a relatively normal life straight away with what seems to be little consequence.
It will take time , and I am afraid that may be the only thing that you can give her.

Luckygirl Fri 22-May-20 10:27:34

One of my DDs had several miscarriages before her two lovely boys arrived. They were complicated ones - missed abortion, burst ovarian cyst etc. She went through the mill a bit. But she found her own ways of dealing with it, and I felt it best to leave her to it, making sure she knew I was there. It sounds as though your DD has rallied the support she needs, and I am absolutely sure she knows you heart is with her, and that this is helping, even though she does not want to talk about it.

How very hard it is when we want to wave a magic wand and make our children better. flowers

Jishere Fri 22-May-20 10:41:39

It does sound like she has bottled it up to deal with another day. Although she has the forum, husband and friends.
She sounds selfless with her loyalty to her job especially at the moment. Although it may seem better to take a break, sadly it's not like you can get away for a few days and she sounds like she doesnt want to be home grieving.

If she doesn't want to FaceTime at the moment respect that, it could be very emotional for her. Please allow her just to be at what stage of grieving she needs to be at whatever time.You may get more texts like that. Send her lots of love it might not be the same virtual but you can still wrap her in love. You daughter sounds an absolutely beautiful person. Love to you bothxx

Juicylucy Fri 22-May-20 11:09:50

So sorry to read this. My DD lived in Australia for 8 years its so hard when something like this happens.
Lots of good advise already given. But just a thought, what about you getting in touch with an organisation over here you could google it see what comes up, and get some advise how to support her from afar.

Baloothefitz Fri 22-May-20 11:15:28

Welcome *Glennie59 ,I'm sorry it's under sad circumstances. You are doing the right thing ,being there for her when she wants to talk .

cassandra264 Fri 22-May-20 11:40:43

Talking to people of her own generation who have been through the same experience sometimes helps - are there any support groups available to her as/when she is ready?

I agree with you that counselling might be a away forward - I and mine have found this invaluable during hard times.

It's harder when a miscarriage happens before you have had the experience of bringing a live, healthy baby to term. But this happens to one in four pregnancies. She has no reason to believe - unless she has been told otherwise by her doctor - that she will not be luckier next time.

Alison333 Fri 22-May-20 11:41:45

My daughter miscarried her first baby at 12 weeks and DH and I paid for her to name a star after her unborn baby. She received a certificate and then she made a box of memories including all her pregnancy documents etc to keep for the future. Might this be helpful for your daughter later on?