Gransnet forums

Bereavement

Disapproval of what I'm doing

(41 Posts)
TillyWhiz Thu 18-Jun-20 12:36:55

My husband died 16 months ago after being ill a long long time. I believe I had anticipatory grief because after the initial shock that it had happened I have not really cried. My daughter has also had cancer so I have had to focus on supporting her too.
Now during lockdown because she is shielding at home I am totally on my own but I have been able to volunteer remotely, and really enjoy it.
However some of my friends I am in contact with remotely are showing disapproval that I am doing this and if I mention it, which I do as it is so much part of my life at the moment, refuse to comment or discuss. I note that it is the older men who are like this, husbands of friends or the like.
Can you understand the mindset because I don't?

icanhandthemback Fri 19-Jun-20 12:35:34

Are you volunteering for something immoral or something? Why would it bother them what you are doing? It sounds to me like they don't have enough to worry about. Just ignore them and carry on. Well done for being such a lovely person to keep giving a bit of yourself after all you've been through. thanks

sarahellenwhitney Fri 19-Jun-20 13:22:37

TillyWhiz
Like you I cannot understand the mind set of these people.
As for the older men I am inclined to believe they can only dream of having a wife such as the likes of yourself with your strength and courage .Keep up the good work.

Forestflame Fri 19-Jun-20 13:57:52

TillyWhizz. I think Goldenage & Greengran have said it all. I think you are amazing to volunteer and think of other people after all you have been through. Hoping your DD is on the road to recovery. It is nothing to do with your "friends" what you do. As the saying goes, ' if those that matter don't mind, then those that mind don't matter'. Keep on with the good work, your DH would be proud of you.

Greciangirl Fri 19-Jun-20 14:00:10

I really don’t understand what they are disapproving of.

Strange friends you have.

Ignore them.

grandtanteJE65 Fri 19-Jun-20 15:25:07

I imagine these "friends" as you call them have suddenly realised that they will die one day , now that your husband has died and are offended by the thought that their wives might manage to cope with their loss, as you are coping with the loss of your husband.

Don't listen to them. You have not needed to make a display of your grief. This does not mean you don't miss your husband, but probably that you are relieved that his sufferings are over.

You also have a daughter with ill-health and naturally you are concerned about her.

I am very sorry that you have lost your husband and have a daughter who is ill.

Please do not let others dictate to you what you should feel or how you should live your life.

4allweknow Fri 19-Jun-20 15:30:37

You are doing what you feel is right for you. Grief is different for everyone and how a person deals with it is also different. Good for you in volunteering why anyone would think that is inappropriate goodness knows. Do hope your daughter's health has improved.

SynchroSwimmer Fri 19-Jun-20 15:50:54

Tilly, you might want to look at the brilliant online support group called Way Up, there are lots of us on there posting with similar things, and getting very supportive answers from others who have similar experiences. I have learnt so much thanks to the Way Up site.

Madgran77 Fri 19-Jun-20 16:17:47

*What have your friends got to disapprove about? You are doing what is right for you and making a great job of it, by the sound of things. It's your life, not theirs"

Philomena sums it up perfectly. Do what ever you need to help yourself! flowers

Puzzler61 Fri 19-Jun-20 16:24:09

TillyWhiz you’re doing great. I’m sorry your daughter has been so ill I hope she is in recovery?

I agree with Caro57.

Take care ?

Rosina Fri 19-Jun-20 16:40:43

Some things in life run too deep for tears - and we all grieve in our own way and out own time. If you have found something that helps, then people who wish you well would (and should) be pleased.
I read: 'Other people's opinion of you is none of your business'. I thought about it - and it is a liberating remark. You must do what is best for you, and can't live a life that someone else thinks you should.

V3ra Fri 19-Jun-20 16:58:32

I agree that it says more about the friends' husbands who are the ones disapproving: they're worried for themselves that their wives won't be devastated if they die.

My Dad cared for my Mum at home until she died from Alzheimer's.
The following month he went on a cruise by himself. They used to holiday a lot and he'd really missed going away.

It's whatever works for you x

GrauntyHelen Fri 19-Jun-20 17:42:16

Oh for goodness sake what is there in your volunteering that they could possibly disapprove of? It seems to me you are a very sensible woman who has had much to deal with of late I'm sorry for your loss which you are grieving completely appropriately . Continue to enjoy your volunteering and finding your way through creating your new stage in life Tell the disapprovers to sod off

Keffie12 Sun 21-Jun-20 17:40:14

If it is the men who are making the disapproving noises that's cos they are control freaks.

You might be giving their wives ideas so they won't be running around after the husbands

The women are jealous you are able to do it. Its about them. Not you. They arent friends to behave like that

I also lost my husband 2 years ago and have managed to build an ok life for me, with family, friends and voluntary work too. Fortunately those around me are supportive

crazyH Sun 21-Jun-20 17:47:06

TillyWiz - you are special - I do hope your daughter makes a full recovery flowers

TillyWhiz Thu 25-Jun-20 12:31:21

Thank you all for your fantastic messages. It has made me realise that yes I have created a new identity for myself in these people's eyes, as they have not been my friends long enough to know that I used to do all sorts of things before my husband's illness!

Icanhandthemback I did laugh at the is it immoral - well that would be understandable then wouldn't it but it is quite the opposite!!

My trouble as always is that I try to keep everyone happy but not on this one, no way.

Keep your fingers crossed/prayers going for my daughter who is a matter of concern.