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Bereavement

What do you do....

(28 Posts)
Luckygirl Wed 16-Sep-20 17:09:44

.........on those days when you just want to howl your eyes out all day and can find no point in life at all?

Thankfully it does not happen very often, but when it does.......

A friend has been round - she gets it - as her DH died two years ago - and her kindness is so valued. But nothing can take away the finality of it all.

Billybob4491 Wed 16-Sep-20 17:21:19

I hear you Luckygirl and am in the same position. You are not alone.

Bridie22 Wed 16-Sep-20 17:43:57

Go with it Luckygirl, its emotion and will pass until the next time.[flowers

kittylester Wed 16-Sep-20 18:04:51

Howl your eyes out, Lucky, if that's what you feel like. It's natural and allowed! flowers

MawB2 Wed 16-Sep-20 18:12:49

You howl your eyes out my dear. It’s not the first time and it won’t be the last. Just let them flow - tomorrow is another day.
It is darling Paw’s birthday today . I treasure how 3 years ago all the family came to join us on his 70th. He died 6 weeks later, I am just so grateful he could be with us all that last time before we were all round his bed in hospital as he slipped away.
There is no shame in tears. flowers

tanith Wed 16-Sep-20 18:19:26

As the others say howl away, I do on occasion, DH died 2 yrs ago next Monday, my GS has booked a week away for 10 of us at DHs favourite caravan site in Devon, we’ll be immersed in many happy memories of him but I’ll no doubt take several long walks and shed some tears. I always feel a sense of relief after a good howl.

Guinivere68 Sun 04-Oct-20 11:24:26

My wonderful OH died 3 years ago. Way before his time. Then both my cats died one after the other in same year.. I know where you are coming from. Luckily I have a lovely group of friends who were so supportive but...it does not make up for the fact that once the front door is shut and you ate alone everything hits you all at once. I read many books and articles on grief and they all talk about 'the stages of grief . What they don't tell you is that they can all erupt on the same day! I resorted to driving up to my local cliffs at a time when I knew nobody would be around and used to walk whilst screaming and shouting at my hubby for leaving and the universe for taking him. Nothing made sense and some mornings getting up didnt happen til lunch time. It doesn't matter. You do what feels right for you. I still get breakouts of uncontrollable tears when I least expect it. Especially certain music, films and memories. It happens to all of us who are bereaved whether partner, siblings or parent. You are not alone!

Luckygirl Sun 04-Oct-20 11:48:38

Thank you for the messages - sad to know I am not alone in a way - but we are all just soldiering on as best we may.

grannysyb Sun 04-Oct-20 13:28:01

Thinking of you all.

NannyDee Sun 04-Oct-20 13:36:13

My dear husband passed away in August, I understand completely. I seem to be in limbo at the moment, still expecting him to walk in the door. Trying to take one day at a time but it is so very hard. I have also come to realise that I have acquaintances, people I know but no real true friends. Luckily my DD is very close, I don’t know what I would do without her.

Luckygirl Sun 04-Oct-20 15:17:59

NannyDee - my condolences - this is so very new for you. My OH died in February, so I am a few months ahead of you. It is a tough time I know, and I too have to shake myself to realise he is truly gone - I will be doing some mundane task and will suddenly think "Oh - he has died." It is very strange and disturbing.

I am so glad that you have your DD to support you.

I am sending a hand hold - you are not on your own. flowers

mumski Sun 04-Oct-20 15:30:41

My DH died a year ago at 56 years old. On the days I'm not at work, at the moment I feel my soul is being crushed. I wish I could cry but somehow they get stuck. We didn't choose this life did we Lucygirl and some days it's so hard to keep going. I just feel so bloody lonely without him.
Sending you all hugs x

midgey Sun 04-Oct-20 15:31:25

My husband died in April, there are days when I think he will come home soon. I found myself crying in the supermarket because I couldn’t buy him a treat. It’s a relief to know that it’s not just me. flowers for everyone in the same boat.

Sar53 Sun 04-Oct-20 15:39:18

flowersflowersflowers for all of you xxx

Beechnut Sun 04-Oct-20 15:50:37

midgey when I see something new that I think my husband would have liked I say ‘you would like that wouldn’t you love’ and....I say it out loud and....I don’t care if someone hears me.

I’m particularly feeling it today as it’s the fifth anniversary of the last car race meeting we went to together and next weekend brings our last holiday anniversary. If I feel like crying that’s what I do.

It’s a big boat we are all in.

Harris27 Sun 04-Oct-20 15:58:28

Sending you all hugs x💐

Luckygirl Sun 04-Oct-20 16:13:11

Sine my OH died I have had our would-have-been-Golden-Wedding-Anniversary, his birthday, and the anniversary of him having to go to a nursing home - each one kicks me in the heart.

I try not to cry because I find it hard to stop. And because I know it worries my family; and because I know that it alienates me from others who do not want my pain, but want to just carry on with their lives.

There is a big task ahead for us all - finding a new meaning in life and just keeping on. I remind myself over and over again that this is how life is, and always has been; that people die in their thousands every day and there is nothing so special about me and my sadness. That people carry on; and that is what I must do too.

Apart from the sadness, it is a huge reality shift. My brain is programmed to live with him; to consider his needs; to be finding things that might please him; to laugh at similar things; to make casual comments relating to our shared life. It is not wonder that it is so hard - my entire reality has shifted completely out of kilter.

I am sure that all of us will find our own different ways through this and pick up our lives, as so many have done before us. But it is hard, and it is lovely when people care.

Hang on in there. flowers

AGAA4 Sun 04-Oct-20 16:32:35

Luckygirl we can't avoid the bad days. They just come and tears are healing. My husband died a long time ago at only 51 but I still get some sad times. The pain isn't as intense as it was
but I remember well how devastated you can feel.

Take care of yourself flowers

NannyDee Sun 04-Oct-20 16:35:26

Lucky girl, thank you 🌺

Scribbles Sun 04-Oct-20 16:48:57

Oh Luckygirl, I'm crying again just reading this thread. It comes and goes, this need to cry but some days are better than others.

Eight months into widowhood, trying to establish a life as "just me" instead of "us" but it isn't easy with so many things forbidden to us now.

Today is the 3rd anniversary of our permanent move to this house from another part of the country and we were full of plans and dreams for the life we intended to live here. I love the house, I love the area, but don't yet have any very close friends here; my real friends are scattered around the country or overseas, some in areas with local restrictions, so meeting is not easy and I long for the comfort of hugs.

We all have our own demons to wrestle as we walk our lonely road but it is good to be reminded that others are going through it, also. Love and cyber (((hugs))) to all of you.
💐

Septimia Sun 04-Oct-20 18:59:05

I don't know how I would cope and am thankful that I haven't yet had to.

I tend to think in terms of a couple of what might be considered platitudes.

The first is that no-one can take away what you've already had, so the good times that you shared are yours forever. The second is that love doesn't die. If you loved and were loved, then that love is still there so try to wrap yourself in its warmth.

Scribbles Sun 04-Oct-20 21:16:14

Septimia, those two thoughts (not platitudes!) are exactly what has kept me borderline sane these past 8 months.

Several times every day, I glance at OH's photo and smile, remembering how very much we loved each other and knowing how fortunate we were to share that happiness. Yes, without him, the sadness and loneliness can be overwhelming but the love will always be there, deep inside.

Msida Sun 11-Oct-20 22:30:08

Hi Luck girl I lost my husband in August so know how you feel and the absolute worse thing I did was focus on the finality of it

I am a Roman Catholic and do believe that we will meet again in Heaven

I try and distract myself, that helps

I have given myself a few rules because I spent a while were it was overwhelming me and I got scared as to where was that going to lead.

I hope you can take comfort in knowing that it's like other things that you have had to face in your life, you do eventually find a way 🌻

Luckygirl Sun 11-Oct-20 22:51:23

Thank you for those kind thoughts.

I do not have any religious belief to sustain me, but that is simply how it is, and how it was for my OH too. I have to find my way by a different route from you. I am sure in the end we will both find a way of carrying on. It is what people do in the end; there are just bad days on the journey.

OceanMama Sun 11-Oct-20 23:01:27

The best thing is just to have that cry. I found the pent up emotions would hang around until I did, then having the cry released them. Over time, you will cry less but, until then, let it out. <3