Gransnet forums


Waves of sadness, loneliness and worry

(24 Posts)
AlgeswifeVal Tue 06-Oct-20 07:56:33

My husband passed away in July, he had been very ill for a long time. He had asbestosis, which gave him terrible breathing problems and chest pain. We knew his condition was terminal. But the sadness of losing him has been overwhelming. I miss him dreadfully. I worry about being on my own in the house, I have two sons that ring me and visit occasionally and a girlfriend who I go cycling with. I am 75 years old. Will I ever come to terms with my loss and feeling as though every day is a struggle to get through?

Iam64 Tue 06-Oct-20 08:01:09

Sincere condolences AlgeswifeVal. It's not 3 months yet since your husband died. Be gentle with yourself, don't expect to much and carry on doing the good things you enjoy. It's a huge loss at any time but this difficult virus period makes all losses harder x

OceanMama Tue 06-Oct-20 08:06:19

I'm sorry for the loss of your husband. It's hard to lose someone so close and get used to living on your own. Three months is no time at all in the grief process. The gap is always there but, in time, it does soften. Someone told me that the 3-4 month mark is particularly hard after loss and I did find that was my experience too.

BlueBelle Tue 06-Oct-20 08:14:46

algeswife please please please seek some bereavement counselling It is so soon of course you are in the very beginnings of the journey you re still in shock however much it was expected
The living on your own will get easier but the loss is something that takes a very long time but you must seek some help with this one even if it’s telephone not one to one you need to share your fears, your happy times, your love Sons are wonderful but they re not renounced for emontional stuff I know my own son ( although I always encouraged him to cry and talk through things as a child) is a keep quite and keep your head down and it ll go away type He ‘doesn’t do emotion’ it’s a protection technique
Please have some ?from me and a good old fashioned virtual hug

midgey Tue 06-Oct-20 09:01:39

A friend told my daughter that grief is like the sea, the waves keep coming some small some all engulfing. I find that walking helps me. flowers

Madgran77 Tue 06-Oct-20 09:09:40

Algeswife Please consider bereavement counselling. It can truly help. Some local councils offer it. There are bereavement charities who offer it. flowers

lovebeigecardigans1955 Tue 06-Oct-20 09:31:44

Oh Val many of us on here have been bereaved and know exactly what you're going through. It's such early days for you so it's still raw but it will get better in time I promise you.

It's difficult getting used to a new 'normal' but take small steps and you'll find that there are little compensations along the way. You'll get the odd setback too, which is to be expected but hang on in there.

I lost my husband nearly ten years ago and I'll always miss him but the sun will come out again I promise you. Just take your time. flowers

Dibbydod Tue 06-Oct-20 09:59:53

My partner of over 20 years , we never lived together, passed away last October ,he had fibrosis of the lungs , he became very ill and bed bound in his last few months . For the first few months I’d hit rock bottom , was hard enough him having passed away , but to add to that his son treated his Dad very disrespectfully in arranging his funeral , I had no say in it whatsoever as I was automatically cut out of it all by his son .

I’ve since made a small memorial in his memory in my back room , with few photos of us together and a few of his possessions like his favourite drinks glass , wallet , watch ect . I think this helps as I feel ‘ closer ‘ to him .
Grief is so very painful and hard to bear , it’s been the worst time of my life , but, it’s slowly getting easier as the months go by .
My heart goes out to you ,best to think of the good times you had together , the lovely memories of what you both shared . ?

Mancjules Fri 09-Oct-20 20:42:46

My lovely hubbie passed away unexpectedly in March. The waves of sadness, loneliness and helplessness still come but with less ferocity. Take each hour, each day as it comes, especially during this crazy world we live in. Nothing seems to make sense anymore. Reach out to friends and family and try and get out for walks. Take care of yourself and if the grief comes let it. We won't get over it but we can try and get through it. All the best on this journey we find ourselves on.

Luckygirl Fri 09-Oct-20 23:09:26

flowers - I do understand. It is such early days for you yet. Do not ask too much of yourself.

vincennes1 Tue 10-Nov-20 16:24:43

I recently lost in October my partner of 22 years he passed away in hospital from pneumonia and strokes. Today was the funeral. I live in a bungalow in a small close although my neighbour chats over the fence or when she sees me. The other residents rarely its so quiet. I dont really have any friends and at present I am thinking of moving perhaps to sheltered housing where there would be activities. I keep bursting into tears which I suppose is natural. I do have a dog which I take out for short walks he wasnt really my dog but my late partners. My daughter lives 15 min drive away but has two young children and works so she cannot get over to see me very often besides which she has an illness that makes her very tired. Perhaps I should wait till things settle down and see how I feel before making a move.

OceanMama Tue 10-Nov-20 22:02:55

Vinvennes1, I'm so sorry for your very recent loss. Now that the funeral is over, the future without your partner will be on your mind, of course. The saying is that you shouldn't make any major decisions for at least a year after a major loss, but there are times when maybe that's not suitable advice. At this time I think you just do what you need to do to survive. Rest, take short walks. When you are ready maybe considering joining a social group in the community would be a good step towards making new connections? You might also find support among other widows, but I know I've never been able to stand those kind of groups myself. That is all for the future though, when you are ready, be that sooner or later. That might be too much to think about doing right now. I think in those very early days in loss, I just wanted to nap half the day.

Blossoming Tue 10-Nov-20 22:30:16

So sorry for your loss. It’s a very old and very true saying that time is a great healer. It’s such a short time since you lost your husband and the grieving process has no set time. The pain does lessen, there will come a day when you think of him and smile instead of crying.

morethan2 Tue 10-Nov-20 22:38:34

I’m so sorry for all of you who have lost husbands/partners it must be very hard. I send you all my sincerest condolences. I just can’t imagine the depth of your sorrow. I hope that the support you get here is of some comfort.

rosecarmel Wed 11-Nov-20 02:36:19

I am very sorry for your loss and understand because I also lost my husband not all that long ago- I did seek out bereavement counsel, however, while some of the guidance can continue to be applied and is very useful some of the advice offered totally screwed up my life because it was advice for normal times and not a global crisis-

Just a word of caution- Because the loss of a spouse can make one overly vulnerable- Be kind to yourself and know you're not alone-

OceanMama Wed 11-Nov-20 03:58:10

Yes, this has to be a particularly tough time to experience loss. It can be isolating enough. I found isolation really helped me due to reduced demands. For those who crave more social support, I'm sure isolation could compound the difficulties of grief. Most groups are doing Zoom meetings, but that's not everyone's 'thing'.

Teetime Wed 11-Nov-20 09:22:25

algeswifeVal I am so sorry for your loss and how sad you are feeling now. There is some very good advice on here. My daughter lost her husband two years ago and has been reluctant to get any professional help and sometimes I feel she is sliding backwards into depression. Her saving grace has been her little dog who has certainly helped her fear of being alone in the house. Is a small pet an option for you?

rosecarmel Wed 11-Nov-20 13:12:51

OceanMama, I agree that isolation reduced pressure from demands-

Alexa Thu 12-Nov-20 18:21:43

Alexa Thu 12-Nov-20 18:26:47

Is there a forum on Gransnet where people suffering from loss and grief can write to daily, as a sort of diary ? What I have in mind is not superficial, and not for offering advice, or platitudes, but for grieving people to express feelings.

Cookie7 Fri 20-Nov-20 01:31:42

My husband of almost 25 years passed in February this year. It is a hard thing to go through, I am slowly trying hard to get adjusted. Harder I think because of being isolated because of COVID. My heart goes out to you that are travelling this path now! Take care.

Namsnanny Fri 20-Nov-20 01:45:48

Cookie7 ... I'm so sorry for your loss.

I caught sight of the time, and as I was still up I didnt want you to feel you were posting on an empty forum.

One day at a time, or even one second.

AlgeswifeVal ... I hope you're coping flowers

OceanMama Fri 20-Nov-20 08:07:21

I'm sorry for your loss Cookie. <3

Luckygirl Fri 20-Nov-20 09:56:31

I think there are several of us on here who lost their spouses earlier this year. We are walking a difficult path at a difficult time. I do not expect too much of myself but just plod on. I know this will not go away quickly.

I did find a counsellor and have found it helpful. There were things that happened with my OH which have clouded a simple grieving process and she is the only person I have ever spoken to about these. I have found that liberating. My GP also put me in touch with CRUSE and someone from there rings me sometimes and has a chat - that too is helpful.

What I find the most difficult is that I am in pain - physical pain - all the time and I have found that much harder to deal with since losing my OH. It looms larger in my mind than it previously did.

A day at a time is all we can do - and know that you are not alone. I am always open to a pm - a problem shared and all that.............