funerals

What they usually do here is show a video of photos going through the life of the person who has died. It is amazing what some people have done in their lives and a funeral is a good time to show it. I was stunned to hear about a major extended cycle trip one older man I knew had done right across Australia. I only knew him as a fairly frail person and to see him energetic,young and fit was so wonderful.

We've prepaid simple cremation funerals with AgeConcern. I'd actually now prefer a direct cremation but not sure we can change. In any event funerals are for the living, not the dead, so I ought to ask the children how they feel about it. I certainly don't want eldest son spending hard earned money on flying back to the UK for a funeral. See me while I'm alive, bring me flowers while I can enjoy them. Once I'm dead take the easiest path, I know you loved me.

Kali2

Such a pity so many families do not discuss what they want and how they want things to be done- as it causes so much heartache and arguments, at the worst possible time.

For anyone wanting to tackle this discussion I recommend Age UK’s ‘Life Book’. This short booklet has space for people to write their wishes regarding funerals etc. and also to make notes of other information that’s pertinent when someone dies.

Such a pity so many families do not discuss what they want and how they want things to be done- as it causes so much heartache and arguments, at the worst possible time.

GagaJo

My mother is in end of life care now. I found out this week she's asked for a direct cremation. I'm not sure how I feel about it.

On one hand, she didn't want anyone other than family to be informed about her death, so I understand why she made this choice. And we're not religious so...

On the other hand, I'm not her direct next of kin, because I live at the other end of the country so I won't be given her ashes.

Just not sure about it at all really. Funerals while grim are a rite of passage.

I am so sorry to hear Gaga- but for me, the wishes of the person are paramount- their life, their death and their after ...

Nothing to stop you from having some sort of celebration with close family and friends at some point- it does not have to be a 'funeral'.

Courage.x

My mum died a month ago. She'd fallen out with everyone, all her friends and family. So we had a direct funeral and this week we intered her ashes into my dad's grave. I stood with my children and I read the 23rd psalm. I hope she was happy with what we did

I’ve just attended my mother’s funeral, which I arranged on behalf of my six siblings. We kept it simple, but it still included a Celebrant and a full service prior to cremation. I’ve conducted funerals myself so I was fully aware of everything that needed to be done, but it is still a very time-consuming process and there were many decisions to be made.

One of my brothers announced at mum’s wake that he has paid for a Direct Cremation and left instructions for his best friend to arrange it, then two weeks later to inform us that our brother has died. ??????

My own instructions are written in a file that I keep on the ‘desktop’ of my computer. My husband is very grateful that I’ve given him a ‘Dummies Guide’ to follow. ?

Funerals ! Well, all my wishes are logged and dated on paper to save my DD and DS the worry of what would i like, the money is set aside, I'm an organ donor and thats logged on my health records and everyone knows i want my aome of my ashes placed in fireworks , so all is suited and booted.

I'm a big believer in dotting the i's and crossing the t's cards on the table and all that, there is enough upset without adding to it.

My mother is in end of life care now. I found out this week she's asked for a direct cremation. I'm not sure how I feel about it.

On one hand, she didn't want anyone other than family to be informed about her death, so I understand why she made this choice. And we're not religious so...

On the other hand, I'm not her direct next of kin, because I live at the other end of the country so I won't be given her ashes.

Just not sure about it at all really. Funerals while grim are a rite of passage.

My SF did ask if anyone wanted to donate money he’d like it to be to McMillan nurses so we all donated to that.

My stepfather died in August and this is what he had. We have a mixed up family and his children were estranged so he didn’t want any family arguments and upset. So his body was taken from the family home where he died and cremated a couple of weeks later. Mum got his ashes back in a cardboard box and she is going to bury them under a tree in the spring. He is religious so his congregation held a zoom memorial.

I’m of the opinion that I would rather see people while I’m alive so will probably do this as well. Then I’d love my loved ones to go on a lovely holiday together with the money it would have cost for a funeral.

My parents have recently sat with my siblings and me to inform us of their funeral desires. Both wanting very different approaches. But it’s been so helpful as we now know what each want to the letter and will organise accordingly when the time comes. (Both parents are 80, and we are so lucky to have not lost either parent yet, many of my peers are not in that situation)

I keep getting pop ups for direct cremation services but it’s not for me, I want a proper service with beautiful flowers (from close family only) my favourite songs blaring out and the eulogy written & read by my children followed by a good wake with a traditional buffet. This is what we did for my DH, his wake was held at the local Cricket Club where he had played for many years, man & boy, the weather was beautiful and we all sat outside. I was in a daze at times and it was of course so very sad but it was also a lovely day when so many people came together to celebrate his life, it was what he would have wanted. The flowers weren’t wasted, I asked some very close friends and family if they would like to take a single rose or some flowers home and then we had flowers taken to the graves of some of my my DH family & also to a close friend who we sadly lost 20 years ago. I also brought some home.
We had a collection and made generous donations to a cancer charity & to the local hospice who had been so helpful to us.
I hate the idea of being whisked off in the back of a van to be cremated with no service (not that I would know anything about it I suppose) I do think the funeral service and the stories people recollect about the deceased at the wake afterwards help the family through such an awful time, but of course it’s each to their own. I do realise that if I live to be very old there may not be too many people left to attend! Anyway, I have made this known to all of my DC and hopefully they will carry out my wishes, I’ll be paying for it after all

MrOops and I have have a note to say that we would prefer a Direct Cremation, but that it’s ultimately up to our daughters to decide, which is fine if they both agree, but not if they both have different views, as we don’t want them to fall out over it.

MIL had a Direct Cremation during the first Covid lockdown and we were all fine with that, her ashes are yet to be scattered, hopefully we will do this this Summer when all our families can get together.

MrOops and I will have to have a rethink and either say that this is absolutely what we want or just let it go and let them decide when it happens.

A friends wife was adamant that she wanted to be cremated, but he had her buried in the churchyard, much to his families dismay, but he said it was his decision to make and not theirs……

Our auntie initially wanted her body donated for research I looked into it and it was too much to bother with. So she asked me to decide what to arrange for her when she died. I chose this type of cremation for her after a dreadful long illness. The ashes were returned to me and it was my choice where I scattered them. A perfect discreet no fuss service in my opinion I arranged it myself with local funeral directors at the time no company advertised it. It’s my choice too I don’t want my family having the bother when I am gone. None of us are religious so no need for my loving family to attend any kind of service.

Blondiescot

MerylStreep

To all intents and purposes neither of us will have a funeral as our bodies are going for research.
The family can have the body back after 3 yrs if they want a burial.
One daughter said do what you want to do
One didn’t want to talk about it.
One was ok if the university keeps the body as it will save money on a funeral ?

Please be aware that you need to have a Plan B just in case the university won't accept the body at the time. This is what happened with my mother. She wanted her body to go for research, but they already had their full quota of bodies at the time and couldn't take any more. There can be any number of reasons why they might not accept a body, which is something many people don't seem to be aware of.

Blondiescot So true my late husband had his remains donated to science and it was refused as they also had their quota, so we had to go to our plan B it is stated on the original donation form that it is not gaurenteed that the University will accept the remains.

MerylStreep

To all intents and purposes neither of us will have a funeral as our bodies are going for research.
The family can have the body back after 3 yrs if they want a burial.
One daughter said do what you want to do
One didn’t want to talk about it.
One was ok if the university keeps the body as it will save money on a funeral ?

Please be aware that you need to have a Plan B just in case the university won't accept the body at the time. This is what happened with my mother. She wanted her body to go for research, but they already had their full quota of bodies at the time and couldn't take any more. There can be any number of reasons why they might not accept a body, which is something many people don't seem to be aware of.

I've given son 1 cash for a speedy private cremation for me. Son 2 knows and is accepting of this. After procedure they will then inform those on my current list of my demise. Here's hoping that will be a while off! I've told them, if they don't mourn my loss for at least 24 hours, I'll come back to haunt them. The corny jokes that ensue are predictable and that's fine. We end on a laugh.

I just lost my 84 year old mother to covid last month. Mom did not have a will. He mentioned some preferences to myself but none of my siblings. But when she passed her husband had already planned her a cremation and funeral with his sister's, and without consenting any of my moms children. This was taken differently from different siblings. I personally thought it was incredibly inconsiderate of her husband-husband or not of 35 years to by pass asking anything about the funeral arrangements from her children.
One of my sibling said it is his right not to ask she was his wife. He gets to choose. Another sibling stepped in and said he was concerned about the cremation and wanted mom in a casket. Apparently it flustered an already sad and anxious widowed husband and turned out I and her other daughter could not go anyway due to the hurried funeral. We both live 1000 miles away . The funeral was less then a week after her death and I still had covid myself-caught it while staying near my mom before she passed. There was not time enough, and the chaos that arose from not having written plans was not what I wanted to be a part of.

So sorry to hear about your sad loss Scentia. You will be doing what he wanted. I am religious so want a religious funeral, though without hymns as there will be very few to sing them, but other than that I agree they are also for those left behind. However earnshaw your daughters may perhaps have difficulty with something like an unattended cremation. People do, I think, need to be able to have some tangible way of saying goodbye. Might a compromise be a woodland burial dealt with by the undertaker, and charitable donations/planting a tree in lieu of flowers? When you’ve decided, put your wishes in writing. This will ease your mind and help your daughters when the time comes, which I hope will be many years hence.

We will both have a Simplicity funeral.

I am fine with direct cremation. Have told my son that he can arrange a bun fight for afterwards, if he wants. Also, I said that I hoped he liked me enough to feel a little bit sad, but not too much, and that he must carry on living his best life. Agree with those who said that funerals are for the living.

I'm sorry to hear of your sad loss Scentia, but you have done him proud?

My dearest FiL died this morning and he had purchased a Pre paid pure cremation, with my help only last month. His sons do not speak to one another and haven’t done for 50 years so I spoke to my FiL and said what would he like me to do. We will have him cremated shortly and then have a small wake at home. I will
Invite his other son and family, they won’t come but I will have done my best. I suppose they will have their own wake, who knows. A sad day for me as I loved that man more than my own father and I will miss him terribly.

Leave it to your daughters. Say you wish it to be as simple as possible. They can be a comfort to the living, which is the whole purpose really.