Gransnet forums

Bereavement

funerals

(20 Posts)
earnshaw Tue 11-May-21 12:50:41

not a very nice subject I know but, as someone who is against funerals, I just wanted something very very simple , no flowers, no service etc, my daughters are not keen so am in a quandry, I have been looking into Pure cremations and direct cremations, would really like others opinions

Whiff Tue 11-May-21 14:13:27

I was going to go with pure cremations as I thought it would make it easier for my daughter. When I told her she said no. I don't have to worry about that and she wants a funeral. My husband died 17 years ago as we are atheists we had a non religious funeral. Conducted by the funeral director. No hymns just 3 pop songs and the eulogy was about my husband's life . He was 47 . It was lovely just as we wanted it . Don't believe in flowers for funerals or wakes. But asked for donations if lieu of flowers we raised over £5,000 for the cancer unit that treated him.

My advice is let your daughter's have what they want. It will make them happier and easier for them to come to terms with your death.

Hithere Tue 11-May-21 14:39:14

Funerals are for the living, if it helps them to get closure.

It is also a social custom and I know of families do things the deceased didnt want because of social or family pressure

Septimia Tue 11-May-21 14:58:11

I agree that funerals are for those who are left behind. I'd suggest talking it over with your daughters and agreeing something that you all feel comfortable with.

Loislovesstewie Tue 11-May-21 15:02:17

I've told mine that I want a woodland burial in a cardboard coffin and no funeral or ceremony. They are happy with that;they can remember me in their own way.

Hilltop Tue 11-May-21 20:30:40

I used Pure Cremation for my husband. It was all handled appropriately and I am glad we had talked about it previously. Family members have planted a certain flower in our gardens that was out when he died to remember him each year. I have the ashes to be put somewhere nice later. I do not regret not having the funeral at all.

SueSocks Tue 11-May-21 21:14:06

We had a Pure Cremation for my mother in law, went very smoothly. My husband & myself both want this type of direct cremation as neither of us are religious.

MerylStreep Tue 11-May-21 21:22:38

To all intents and purposes neither of us will have a funeral as our bodies are going for research.
The family can have the body back after 3 yrs if they want a burial.
One daughter said do what you want to do
One didn’t want to talk about it.
One was ok if the university keeps the body as it will save money on a funeral 😄

M0nica Tue 11-May-21 21:56:54

Once I am dead I will not have a clue how my funeral will be handled by my children, so beyond the fact that they know I would like a woven willow coffin, not wood, I am leaving it all up to them.

CafeAuLait Tue 11-May-21 22:36:35

I have said I don't want a funeral. However, the family are the ones whose needs really matter at that time, so I'll leave it up to them to follow that or not.

Hithere Tue 11-May-21 22:58:57

I don't want one either, don't waste money on social ceremonies. Just cremate me.

A person who passes away can be honoured in other ways.

Esspee Tue 11-May-21 23:08:07

I am all for a simple cremation without a service and I have made that clear. As I will be dead by then and unable to do anything about it I expect my children will do whatever they want.

Shinamae Tue 11-May-21 23:10:23

I am paying monthly for Pure cremation. When my ashes are returned I have asked my children to scatter them at a beach I spent a lot of my childhood at, whether that be the week after they get the ashes or a year after it really won’t matter, when they are ready. Then on the way home from scattering me I want them to go and have a slap up meal and raise a glass and that will do for me 🤓

EilaRose Wed 12-May-21 02:06:04

earnshaw Sorry, but I think your daughters are only thinking of themselves and not what you want...after all, this will be 'your' funeral and surely they can bow to your wishes one last time. In saying that, I am well aware of family situations and how difficult they can be at times.

I hope to donate my body to the local university, but they are saying they won't accept it because there won't be any NoK approval, unfortunately DS is estranged along with his narc wife so even if they were in touch I wouldn't want her taking over and making it all about her anyway (which is what she would do).

Another option I checked into was a Body Farm as you can arrange body donation while still living...but, once they have finished with the body (usually 3-5 yrs) they return the remains to the family for a funeral etc so that doesn't really help my situation. So for now, I've just had to settle on Plan B as a direct cremation and the crematorium can scatter the ashes.

Either way, I want them to play 'I am Woman' (Helen Reddy) at full volume, while the crematorium staff share Champagne that I will be provide. LOL

Daisymae Wed 12-May-21 07:58:55

Leave it to your daughters. Say you wish it to be as simple as possible. They can be a comfort to the living, which is the whole purpose really.

Scentia Tue 06-Jul-21 22:23:56

My dearest FiL died this morning and he had purchased a Pre paid pure cremation, with my help only last month. His sons do not speak to one another and haven’t done for 50 years so I spoke to my FiL and said what would he like me to do. We will have him cremated shortly and then have a small wake at home. I will
Invite his other son and family, they won’t come but I will have done my best. I suppose they will have their own wake, who knows. A sad day for me as I loved that man more than my own father and I will miss him terribly.

ixion Tue 06-Jul-21 22:43:37

I'm sorry to hear of your sad loss Scentia, but you have done him proud🌸

JillEH Tue 06-Jul-21 22:48:07

I am fine with direct cremation. Have told my son that he can arrange a bun fight for afterwards, if he wants. Also, I said that I hoped he liked me enough to feel a little bit sad, but not too much, and that he must carry on living his best life. Agree with those who said that funerals are for the living.

BigBertha1 Wed 07-Jul-21 07:23:58

We will both have a Simplicity funeral.

Germanshepherdsmum Wed 07-Jul-21 07:56:41

So sorry to hear about your sad loss Scentia. You will be doing what he wanted. I am religious so want a religious funeral, though without hymns as there will be very few to sing them, but other than that I agree they are also for those left behind. However earnshaw your daughters may perhaps have difficulty with something like an unattended cremation. People do, I think, need to be able to have some tangible way of saying goodbye. Might a compromise be a woodland burial dealt with by the undertaker, and charitable donations/planting a tree in lieu of flowers? When you’ve decided, put your wishes in writing. This will ease your mind and help your daughters when the time comes, which I hope will be many years hence.