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Miss you Dad

(14 Posts)
Carilou Sat 15-May-21 18:29:08

My Dad died last June. He was the fittest,funniest, most independent 90 year old. He was registered blind but nothing stopped him. He was in a veterans group who went shooting,flying,driving,bowling anything he could try he was there. He always had an eye for the ladies and upto the end he always like to dress smart. His passion was gardening and my garden was always beautiful thanks to Dad. That's why I'm sat on his bench in my garden with no clue what to do then saw this post.
Dad had complained of a cough for years. He was checked out and when he then had a bit chest pain was told it was angina and given a spray. He talked about his friend's dying and I used to say 'Dad you've been checked out lots, you eat healthily, you walk'll live to 100! He was abroad at my brothers wedding with his 3rd wife.
He knew something wasn't right and was struggling to do his long walks but again put down to his angina. The day he called himself an ambulance I knew it was bad. He was found to have extensive lung and liver cancer. I promised to take him home and nurse him. He lasted 3 weeks and fought to the end. I feel so guilty still. Why did I not push for more tests? I'm so angry. His time in hosp was awful. Crying in pain down the phone to me after a biopsy and he haemorrhaged. He still had his sense of humour though in his last days. Due to covid we haven't been able to follow his wishes yet with planting a tree and burying his ashes. Also as my sister is abroad we hope things will change soon to allow her back. I wish I could cry I miss him so much.

B9exchange Sat 15-May-21 18:46:43

Carilou I am so sorry, losing any parent is desperately hard, I could swap stories about mistreatment of my parents in hospital. It is early days for you really, and anger is such a strong part of grief. If you have a hospice near you, they would certainly offer you a chance to chat it through with a listening volunteer, and of course if you think it would make any difference, you could contact the PALS office at the hospital if you think there is any chance of being heard and preventing someone else going through it.

You have managed to get through the first year. As you know grief comes in waves, and tomorrow might feel easier. I will be thinking of you. flowers

Barmeyoldbat Sat 15-May-21 18:51:36

Carilou, I am so sorry about your dad, he sounded a brilliant person and so full of life and I am so sorry about him suffering pain, no one should be in that position. I still miss my dad and his sense of humour after nearly 10 years but it does get easier.

hellymart Sat 15-May-21 19:01:42

So sorry to hear that, Carilou. I can understand you being so upset. My dad died in Dec 2019 - thankfully before the pandemic- he was 93 and I am wracked with guilt because the last few times I saw him were so difficult. He had the start of Alzheimer's and all kinds of health problems and I never got to say a proper goodbye. One consolation for me - and perhaps for you, in time, is that I was so lucky to have my dad for so long. Not many men live into their '90s, after all. Look after yourself. I am sure it will help when you can plant that tree for him.

Grammaretto Sat 15-May-21 19:09:37

Please don't feel guilty. He wouldn't have wanted that.
You loved him and that's all that matters.
Of course you miss him - he sounds an amazing man who lived his life to the full and you must too.
Sending hugs xx.

crazyH Sat 15-May-21 19:16:07

So very sorry for your loss ....what a great Dad you had flowers

morethan2 Sat 15-May-21 19:31:29

Sincere condolences, I want to cry with you. It’s awful isn’t it

BlueBelle Sat 15-May-21 19:38:14

carilou just wanted to say so sorry and how I can relate to your post My Dad unlike yours was not a confident gregarious man he was so loyal to mum and told me he’d never had anyone else he was cautious , a quiet, generous, kind man
He was 92 and had felt tired for some weeks I told he was 92 he expected too much He still did his daily exercises and lived alone after mum got Alzheimer’s and had to be looked after one day he had a slight collapse back onto his bed the paramedics took him for a check up, his blood count was so low the doctor couldn’t see how he was still walking
after an endoscopy which was put off for three days each day having him nil by mouth the doctor told him with NO ONE present that he had terminal cancer of the stomach, with secondaries in lungs, liver He gave up and was gone in three weeks just like your Dad
The heartbreaking thing was he had paid for his grandkids and families to come over to U.K. for a family reunion and kept saying I must live until June He died in March This was 2012, 6 months later mum died without knowing he had already died she had no awareness by this time, I used to visit her every day
Plant your tree carilou it will be good to see it grow strong like your Dad
I had a lovely Dad and my one regret was I don’t think I ever told him how much I loved him

Carilou Sat 15-May-21 20:40:27

Bluebells I can see so many similarities in our stories. Dad was generous too and had many regrets due to his womanising. He wished he had, like your dad stayed loyal. But life isn't like that for us all and it caused many family fallout. But it also have me a stepbrother who I love too. The noone present when dr gave diagnosis was same. I had asked to be there if was bad news and with dad being blind. I could see him head in hands in a 6 bedded ward and not allowed in. I worked in the hosp and was reported for trying to see him.
I'm sure your dad was at that reunion tho it must have been so hard for you all. And for you to lose your mum too. I hope and I'm sure they have found each other. I hope you have support too now that they have gone.
Dad was wanting to see his grandson born but like yours didn't make it. He is called after him tho. Your Dad would know you loved him and I probably say it more now than I should have. I know we were luckier than others in some ways but it doesn't make it easier. Take care.

BlueBelle Sat 15-May-21 21:12:07

❤️for our dads and mums

Redhead56 Sun 16-May-21 21:49:27

So very sorry about your loss and I know how difficult it is for you. I lost my dad aged 66 very suddenly in 1994 I adored him and miss him all the time. My mum died four years ago aged 94 I was proud of my parents they worked so hard. Our memories of our parents keep them alive and they will always be in our heart.

grannyactivist Sun 16-May-21 22:57:05

Carilou I’m so sorry for your loss.

My parents-in-law are now in their late 80s and are becoming increasingly frail. I love them so much that I know their loss will be devastating and I catch myself trying to ‘prepare’ for it, but in reality I know that the pain of loss is the price we pay for our loving relationships.

Shinamae Sun 16-May-21 23:10:11

My dad and I were estranged for over 10 years and only got back together with the death of my brother,dad wanted me around then,as I did miss him we did sort of make up for lost years.I find I really miss him now and talk to him sometimes at night,usually with a few tears. With hindsight there is so much more I should have said to him but I think most of us feel this After A loved one dies...

Shandy57 Mon 17-May-21 13:13:02

So sorry for your loss Carilou, your Dad sounded wonderful. It's normal to feel you could have done more, deep grief does this as you examine everything you should have/could have done. From what you've said, you did everything right and shouldn't feel at all guilty, your Dad lived and loved his life to the full. If love could have saved him, your Dad would still be here xx