29 year anniversary of baby daughter

Thank you all for your messages and I send my heartfelt sympathy to all who have lost babies directly or a family member. It is so sad that years ago, babies who had died were whisked away to never be seen or held by the shell-shocked mum. At least things have improved that way but there is still a long way to go in many cases. Kittylester, I am so sorry to hear about your baby. You have received dreadful care from your obstetrician. I hope you find the strength to complain if that is what you want to do and I hope you go on to have more children. It is hard emotionally, I will not lie but you get strength from somewhere and can do it. Good luck xxx

You will always miss the daughter who so sadly had no life at all outside your body.

She is as much your daughter as any other child you have.

My elder brother lived for only seven hours and I know my mother missed him all her life.

I myself wasn't able to have all the children I wanted - I sometimes still dream I am actually giving birth to them - at nearly seventy, you would think the regret had passed, but no, it sometimes surfaces when I let my guard down.

You have been able to help another mother in the same horrible loss - does that ease the pain just a little? That young mother will know that you DO understand what she is going through.

My 4th baby died at 19 weeks and, because the consultant was away lecturing abroad, I couldn't have an appointment for another 6 weeks during that time the baby started to resorb into my body. I 'miscarried' a week before my appointment.

Tears!

Such sad stories. My mother had a miscarriage and it was never far from her thoughts . Also know a lady of 94 whose baby died at almost full term . She had to go into labour and give birth to her child. Her eyes filled with tests as she told me " to this day I don't know whether I gave birth to a son or a daughter" the baby was whisked away she never saw her child. At her advanced age the whole experience still haunts her. I have been very lucky !!

Susysue

Our little boy was born with defects and I had to feed him via a cathata (?) into his stomach. He lived for 9 months then contracted pneumonia and died. My life was so empty but had a very good GP who suggested I returned to work even if it was part time. We eventually had two healthy girls. I wish we had more children. The youngest daughter estranged herself and the eldest only knows where we are if she wants something. Husband's brother and wife had 4 children and what a different family life they have. We live some distance away but are included in all their family events.

You are entitled to treasure your memories - she was your DD and nothing can change that.

I don't think it ever leaves us, we just learn to carry it. I understand your anxiety over your DIL's pregnancy SusySue. Just try to remember that the odds are very much on her side that all will be well with her and her baby.

My mum lost lots of babies. One must have gone full term. I have been told my father wouldn’t let them take him away. I never, to my regret, spoke to my mum about it but I know it affected her for the rest of her life. I’ve heard on the news recently that infant mortality rates in this country are very high compared to other countries: something needs to be done about this. I can’t imagine the pain of losing a child and there’s very little that anyone can do to take that pain away.

Posted too soon. She never saw them or held them and had no idea what happened to them when they were taken away. She was very ill after they were born and was told to forget about them and “just have some more” ?

My mum had 2 stillbirths before I was born. She didn’t talk about it much when she was alive but it was the last thing she talked about when she died.

Thank you all for the heartfelt messages. Twiglet, I know this is how the tragedy was dealt with many years ago... so so cruel for your mum not even to have seen, let alone held her wee boy. Gt66, that must have been so hard for the whole family. I think things have still not moved on enough as babies are still dying in this country unnecessarily. Sometimes it is the case that a woman's anatomy means they should have a cesarean and not allowed to give birth vaginally, yet no test such as an pelvic ultrasound scan is done to check this. Many years after all my children's births, I had the latter due to bladder issues. I was told then that I had a tilted pelvis which probably explained why each birth was so prolonged. I have known of other ladies who have given birth, and babies have died due to the birth canal not being suitable for vaginal deliveries. Sometimes common sense does not appear to be used by obstetric teams. In my case, my own gp said at 36 weeks, he thought my baby would be safer being born but the maternity hospital did not listen to him. I had had reduced movements and had also had labour twinches the week earlier. He had sent me up to the hospital to get checked out but they said " the baby should be left to cook for a bit longer" Those words have haunted me ever since. No one will ever know if my daughter would have survived in the hospital had done what my gp wanted but I think she at least would have had a chance but of course hindsight is a wonderful thing. Her sister is now a doctor, she has chosen not to go into obstetrics due to the loss of her sister, as she doesn't think she could cope seeing a similar situation. My DDIL is halfway through her pregnancy and I am trying to keep a very strong lid on my worries. I am being positive around her and aim to keep this up. Not sure what I will do though if there is even the hint of reduced movements later on in the pregnancy... xx

I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your daughter Susysue. It must be so hard to live with all these years, especially as nothing appeared to be wrong with her, but it's completely natural that you will never forget her and always wonder what would've, and should've been.

My cousin and his wife's first child was stillborn about 20 years ago. My sisters and I, having had our own children, just couldn't imagine how awful it must've been for them, to have to go through the birth and my mother felt terribly guilty, already having several grandchildren, while her SiL had lost her first grandchild.

As you say, it's hard to imagine it still happens today, with all the monitoring of baby at ante natal checks, but hopefully it's less and less as time goes on. xxxx

I am so sorry for your loss Susysue, and glad that this is a safe place for you to open up and share some of your feelings.

My mother's first baby was born when my father was away in WW2 and she was a young married woman living with her parents. The baby died during delivery, they said "he was too big". She wasn't allowed to see him, let alone hold him, they said "it was for the best". She just saw the dark hair on the back of his head as they left the room. His birth wasn't registered and his headstone only has the initials of the name he would have had.

She had three healthy children but of course the sadness of the first stayed with her all her life. Thank goodness that now there is at least recognition that parents need time with their baby however tragic the circumstances of the birth.

I'm sure nobody can understand unless they've been through it. My heart goes out to you.

Thinking of you all. ❤️❤️❤️

So sad to read all your losses. Thebeeb, its good to open up and talk with others who understand. I posted as I knew that this is the situation for many of us. Esspee, so hard for your mum. I do think we are unfortunately not the same people after. I think my kids will say that I tried to wrap them up in cottonwool to keep them safe. I am still a terrible worrier about them though they are all in their 20's now. CrazyH, don't feel guilty of what your thoughts were in the past. You know how much you love your lovely boy. Hope this helps others xx

My heart goes out to all those who have lost their precious babies. I can not imagine the pain. I have been fortunate and I recognize that. I can understand how your babies will remain forever in your hearts. Thinking of you .

I’m so so sorry for all of you. I lost my daughter at three weeks she was born with multiple problems and never came home. I feel sad sometimes that nobody else remembers her and I don’t get to talk about her. Sometimes it doesn’t feel real. I did go on the have two lovely children.

I am so, so sorry for all of you. My heart aches for you, and to think that I almost didn’t want my gorgeous 3rd boy. God forgive me. He was an unplanned accident, but what a joy he has turned out to be - a fine example of a human being ❤️

My mother never got over the loss of one of my twin brothers. Having seen her suffering I understand a little of what all of you feel. I am so sorry you experienced this loss.
? Stay strong.

It's normal to grieve, I'm so sorry xx to all of you

Thank you lemongrove. So very sorry for the loss of your wee girl. Like you, I am grateful for my wonderful living children but I still grieve for her. Xx

Yes susy my case was very similar to yours, and 45 years ago.
I think of her fleetingly now and then ( of course it was dreadful at the time.) I had children later on and have led a busy life and generally, perhaps fortunately, try never to dwell on the past, as it benefits nobody.
It still happens today because being pregnant may be a common and natural event but is still uncertain of outcome, and even living in modern times can’t guarantee that nothing will go wrong.I just thank God that I was able to go on and have healthy babies.

Galaxy, I know exactly what you mean. I know I have had 4 beautiful children but to most people, I have the 3. Thinking of you Galaxy xx,
Thank you madgran xx