special days

I know what you mean travels they say it's the first of all these events which upset you and it's a sadness which you carry within you pretty much most of the time, while smiling on the outside. Time rubs off the rough edges and looking for the small consolations help.

Thinking of you travelsafar What a traumatic experience you suffered, such a short time ago. You are often in my thoughts, especially now.

Difficult times for you.

Thinking of everyone missing a certain someone in their lives today. DH died three years ago. We would all have been going out for lunch, so there is a big gap here.

Can't say more.

Yesterday was my 75th birthday. DH died in August 2019. He would have been totally undemonstrative but he would have been HERE.

A very sad and heartbreaking time for you. I truly hope that you find the inner strength to cope.

Sending heartfelt sympathy.

I know just what you all mean and send my sympathy too
We never made much of Fathers Day but the build up to it recently has reminded me daily that he is not here. My own birthday felt desperately empty and Paw’s even more so as we used to have a big joint family birthday do in September for the 5 birthdays which fall around the same time.
Today is also D1and SIL’s 12 th wedding anniversary and I can’t help but go back in my mind to how proud he was to be FOB and how happy we both felt.
Those memories are precious, and 3 1/2 years seems no time. But I do have to give myself a bit of a talking to and remind myself to enjoy the present before that too is gone.
With special thoughts to all missing husbands, fathers, brothers, sons or indeed anyone bereaved.
“Say not in grief “He is no more”
But live in thankfulness that he was”

Travels my heart goes out to you. After 17 years can't say special days get easier you just cope better. When you loss the other half of yourself you are never whole again . But that's just my experience.

You not loss the love of your life the only person who knows you inside and out but your present and future. And it is so hard to make a new present and future but you have to . Not just for yourself but people who love and care for you. But most importantly your other half. You know that they would hate you not living your life . My husband died at 47 I was 45. He made me promise a lot of things. He knew I would keep them. The main one was live the best life you can.

It's hard but you must do the same. You mention 40th birthday so you are a lot younger than I was when widowed. When you are younger people expect you to get over it . But it doesn't matter if you have been with your other half a year or 50 the loss is the same. We had 29 years as a couple married 22 . It would have been our 40th wedding anniversary last month.

Just get through special days the best way you can. Even if it means you cry ,shout or hit a pillow. But don't hold your feelings in I learnt that the hard way and it nearly destroyed me.

???

My DDS first Father’s Day without my DH - who died in March, a few days before my 70th birthday.
They both have husbands who are now Fathers - they will miss their Dad today, as most days, but it’s the circle of life I suppose. ?

Whiff i am not celebrating my 40th one of the children is, sorry i didnt explain that very well.
Thank you everyone else for kind words. There will be so many people feeling sad today due to the amount of people who died from Covid . My heart goes out to them as i know how they may be feeling as do all of you who posted.

Thinking of you and sending positive thoughts and ' hugs' .?

For all of you who have lost loved ones

I do know how you feel. I get low days out of the blue, but anniversaries/birthdays etc. are really hard. 17 months have passed but, for all the blessings my life holds, I can still be crushed by it. Even on a nice day out with the family I just can't stop myself thinking how much he would have enjoyed it, when he was well and himself - not when he was so ill for years. I do not know when this starts to ease.

I am sending you a hug - it's allowed online! - and strength to keep going.

Travels my getting the wrong end of the stick. Hope you are able to take part in the 40th birthday celebration.

Everyone who has lost a loved one cherish what you had and cherish everything good in your lives now. I have said may times on different threads it's not easy but life is worth living to the full. If life was easy it would be boring. Whatever life throws at us it makes us stronger and I really believe that.

??? to all of you who have suffered loss in anyway.

Travelsofar yet another hurdle to get over.
DS and DGD came over unexpectedly today which made me very glad.
DH died in November and we have our birthdays approaching .
My moment this week was getting a call asking to speak to him!
It was a man who had met him a few years back and wanted to see him again when he comes to Scotland. I said I'd like to too
Sending hugs.

Lots of tears here today, nothing to do with Father’s Day but I am facing family upsets which I am finding it so hard to deal with on my own.
Also trying so hard to remember happy times which sadly have been subsumed with coping with dementia and the accompanying demands for several years which seemed to have killed my feelings which I know is so irrational but is there.
Does any one else struggle with these feelings?
I feel like an awful person at the moment.

You are not, and will never be an awful person, Ann. I've pm'd you.

annsixty - you are not an awful person. If you are, then so am I.

My OH was a man I barely recognised for his last few years and I would have struggled to say I loved the man he became. None of it was his fault and none of it mine. He thought I was trying to kill him, was having lesbian affairs, lost some of the sexual social niceties etc. There were only occasional flashes of the real man I married. Coping with all this and the care demands was an impossible task and sucked all emotion out of me for years.

You are not alone - take heart and do not burden yourself with negative self-doubt. I remember your posts during that difficult time and no-one could think that you did not do your absolute best for him.

We both did the same, even though the person we cared for, stood up for and whose corner we defended was not the man we had known and loved.

You did your best. Never doubt that.

annsixty and luckgirl my husband died of cancer aged 47. That was bad enough. But I looked after mom who lived with me until she died. The last 4 months of her life where hell on earth. Her dementia caused her to be violent. In its amazing the amount of damage a 5st fragile woman can inflect. She didn't know who I was . Thought I was her mom. I never knew when she would attack but when she did she made it count. I used to hope every morning she had died in her sleep or when she had a nap . But that doesn't make me a bad person. I am proud of how I looked after her . She never had any sores was well fed, cleaned and most importantly loved. I grieved for my mom as she had died only her body was left.

Dementia robs us and them of who they are. My mom would of hated what she became . She had never hit me in her life before.

Dementia robbed you of the men you wanted to spend the rest of your lives with. It is the cruellest of all diseases. If it was a short illness you would find the strength to get through it. But in a lot of cases dementia and Alzheimer's takes years and years to kill the person's body. But kills their minds in no time at all.

My sister in law's mom has dementia and she needs one to one care in the home because of her violence. She has only seen her mom once since it was allowed. I didn't want her to because I knew what would happen . She won't go again. Her dad visits but it's driving him to his grave. She is worried sick about him.

We do everything we can for our loved ones. And no one should ever feel bad for doing that. And how dare anyone try and make us feel bad about ourselves. Unless you have looked after someone with dementia or Alzheimer's you don't understand what it does to the carer.

My heart goes out to all in this position. ???

Thank you all for reassurance.
I sincerely apologise travelsafar for hijacking your thread, I remember what a traumatic time you had and you have my sympathy.
Perhaps what I was trying, very badly , to say was that these days will come along at anytime and we must expect them to.
I hope when your special days have come and gone, the next time you may find them very slightly easier to deal with but don’t be dismayed if you do not.
It is normal and natural, we deal with them as well as we can.

I cannot face family meals these days, we only have a small family that get together 9 of us if everyone attends.

But there are always 2 empty chairs so to speak, my dh that died 7 yrs ago and my mum who died September.

Its just not the same anymore however hard you try to wear the "mask" .I find it easier to just not arrange meals etc.

I find it easier just going out for bit of lunch with dd or dds or my dad on his own, but family meals are just not that any more.

There is no rule book which tells us how to feel on these anniversaries, or how to grieve or how to feel anything after losing a loved one. I know from sad experience how you all struggle thro’ these special days, and tbqh there’s nothing I can say to alleviate that horrible feeling of ‘what if’. I seem to lurch from one memory to another, there are so many but like Maw I try, with difficulty, to make the most of the present which has been especially difficult since Covid.
10 years ago this week our family, including the Oz contingent, set off to France on what we knew would be our last big family get together. I will be reliving every day and laughing and crying, as the days go by. We returned home just in the nick of time for DD1 to give birth to the last grandchild DH would know. 7 months later he died.
To know we are not alone in our feelings of desperation and sadness is reassuring. Sometimes I feel I’m the only one! Time doesn’t really heal but it softens the edges.
to you all