It's blooming hard some days....

What do l say to my Gransons Granny when l see her next month since losing her daughter. She died 15 months suddenly of a brain bleed. It was my sons ex wife. My 16 year Gransons mummy. Iam going to Ireland to visit her before my Granson comes back to England to live with his Dad. She is not doing very well at the moment.Any advise please.

Calpurnia all you have said is what I have said and feel on threads . I hide what the anniversary of my husband's death did to me for 14 years. It was like watching a film . I relived the last week of his life. And on the day I relived it minute by minute. I was no good for anything. The grief was crushing. I would normally have a text from the children just to check on me. So I always said I was fine. And hoped they where ok. But this time my daughter phoned me and it came out. She told my son and they both went mad. They couldn't understand why I had hide it from them for all those years. I said I was protecting them and they said from what and I said me. Which they didn't understand. As they said they didn't need protecting as they where adults.

But no matter how old our children get we want to protect them. They still have their own grief.

I made a promise to myself I would never be like that again and haven't. As I realised I was letting my husband down and the children. Well that's how I felt.

They have always told me how proud they are of me as they didn't think I would cope without their dad.

Unfortunately my son decided he never wants anything to do with me ever again last May. He has cut ties with all our side of the family. I have 3 grandson's with him and my daughter in law. The third was born on July last year I don't even know his name or date of birth. I haven't done anything wrong in any way to be treated this way. And I found estrangement is another form of grief. Which I have and still going through. But with the support on the estrangement forum am doing better.

But I know it would never have happened if my husband had lived. He would not have put up with the times my son let me down or my daughter in law's rudeness. Looking back I was a fool to do so. But I lived 100+ miles away and was always so happy to spend any time with them.

The only thing I did was almost 2 years ago moved and now live 10 mins from my daughter and 40 mins from my son.

Luckily my daughter and son in law have said I will never lose them or my 2 grandson's. My brother thinks my daughter in law is jealousy of my relationship with my son and the 2 grandson's I know. But I am his mom not his lover. I don't understand that mentality.

Sorry gone off on a tangent. Hopefully none of you have minded.

I believe that until the death of a life long partner, the one person who knew you entirely, in our case from when we were both teenagers, through all the ups, down and challenges of a long marriage no one can ever imagine what it is like to be suddenly alone. To have no one there who really knew who you were , no one to share life with

My feelings exactly Calpurnia - whether we agreed on everything or not, he was the one person who really knew where I was coming from, who after 55 years knew me almost better than myself.
However kind or sympathetic people are, they just don’t know.

How I can relate to all the posts here.

When my husband died fifteen months ago I felt that half of “me” had been amputated and I realised I would never really feel “me/us” again - there is no prosthetic for grief.

Not ever wanting to feel”needy” or unable to cope I never really let my three sons/wives know how utterly devastated I felt. I have always been very independent and now (my own fault I realise) family and friends think I cope well and am “over it”. If only they knew how I really am.

The horror of watching him die, gradually over his last three dreadful years will never leave me. I just take comfort from the fact that we were alone together when he died and I feel sure he knew I was there with him.

I realised that my husband of fifty two years had “had his time” as I was told, and now it is “my time” but of course it is not the time I ever wanted.

I do go out by myself and recently had four very busy days in London. I just wish my husband had been there to enjoy it with me. My sons say how very proud they are of me getting on with my life - but it is very hard at times.

I am invited to family get togethers, though even with them all I sometimes feel like a spare part but when you have been a duo for so long - mum dad / dad mum it is hard to drive home alone and return to an empty house, never talking on the way home about the get together.

I believe that until the death of a life long partner, the one person who knew you entirely, in our case from when we were both teenagers, through all the ups, down and challenges of a long marriage no one can ever imagine what it is like to be suddenly alone. To have no one there who really knew who you were , no one to share life with.

Merlotgran ?for you and your lost loved ones. ?just for YOU.

Merlotgran I to had my brush with death 4 years ago. But it wasn't until I was discharged by my gastrologist that I found out I could have died. I had jaundice caused by 2 of my tablets I had been taking for decades. I knew I was ill but didn't realise it was that close.

I did what I have always done throughout my life and just got on with it. Took me 5 months to recover . All my life I have taken care of other people. Put there needs first. I am like my parents were. And for once I needed someone taking care of me 24/7 and there was no one. I have never been frightened since my husband died. But I was then. I was terrified. A feeling that was foreign to me. I have never before cried through self pity until then. I was discharged after 5 months as my bilirubin levels had come down to normal but it took me another 6 months to feel like me again.

I will not grow old gracefully nor will I let death take me without a battle. Like you I am telling death to sod off. My daughter has already told me I need to live at least 20 years to see my grandson's grow up. I said I will fight hard. I have been ill for 33 years and the list has been added to but I will keep fighting until my last breath.

But I do not want to lose myself to dementia. I will not put my daughter through what I went through with my mom. My mom died long before her body did.

Merlotgran I have no words to express how much I admire your courage and to lose a child and husband in such a short time is beyond cruel.

When my husband was diagnosed with cancer it was 1 in 3 people got it . It's now 1 in 2. A sobering thought.

We all get through each day the best we can. I love my life, it's missing one vital element my husband but at least I had him. He is still with me in my mind and heart. And always will be. I face each day with optimism and at the age of 63 still looking forward to new challenges. It's the only way I can be. It's what my husband would have wanted. He always said live the best life you can. And he is right. No matter how hard it is we all have to do that.

Keep fighting my friends grief does not get easier you just cope better. But when it becomes over whelming just let it and then you can carry on. In my experience if you try to suppress it , it gets worse and lasts longer. So if you need to cry,shout,scream or hit a pillow do it. Then you are ready to fight on.

Take care and hope the heat isn't getting to you. ??

That is really interesting Peasblossom. But the poem is excellent at expressing how you felt at the time.

It was about two years later when I was on a plane that had to make an emergency landing, that I realised I had moved on from the last two lines.

There’s something about “Brace, brace” that tends to alter your thinking…

Sod off indeed!

And sing and sing for joy that every breath
Will bring me one step closer to my death.

Oh heck, I don't feel like that at all. Living with grief - the slab of pain you often wake up with, makes me determined to find a way ahead because that's what DH would have wanted.

It's tough and exhausting but I'm a light at the end of the tunnel kind of person. I've already had a brush with death since DH died and I was furious that I might be denied the chance to prove to myself that I can do it, I can get there and enjoy life again, albeit without him by my side.

My lovely daughter was denied the chance of seeing her sons have successful careers. She would never see them married or become a grandmother. F***ing cancer took them both from me within two years of eachother.

It's a clever and moving poem, Peasblossom but I've had enough of sorrow. I'm telling the grim reaper to sod right off!!

I found the same thing after my divorce.
There were several social functions that I wasn't invited to as I think that some of the women in my social group had the idea that I would automatically be after their husbands - the same thing happened to my friend when she was widowed! (even 3 months after her husband's death!)
I think perhaps that you need to look for a different social circle at the moment - still keep in touch with friends for coffee, lunch, shopping etc but maybe see if there are any groups in your area for people that are widowed ( Cruse may be able to help) but why not start your own? I bet there are others in a similar situation that would be happy to meet up (now it's more possible) to go out in the evenings, or even join a group that involves one of your interests.
I might add that after a while, I stopped accepting invitations anyway because I got tired of being the odd one out and the one going home on their own, but the plus side was that at least it wasn't me that had to cope with taking a drunk partner home and put them to bed!

Important to have hope that things will get easier. This moving poem by Margaret Livingston ends on a note of hope:

The Widower and his Clothes

The winter after
the weather organised his clothes.
He took to moors and beaches
and tentative horizons
that juggled sun and blizzards
on the ocean’s edge.
He took to rocks,
and sturdier boots,
and ditches where the rain
lay muttering with the moss
and dark newts lived a definite life
that made him feel unformed.
He looked to trees
their roots, like talons, holding on,
and found a heavier coat
that made his back seem real
and his arms more able
to push him through the day.
He wrapped a scarf
around his mouth to keep
his language warm, his words
in hibernation, while he
lingered on the hillside
where the frost was yet to melt.
The weather chose his clothes
that careful chrysalis, in which his heart
adjusted to the qualities of snow,
until the winter nuzzles into spring
and his fingers, in their gloves,
begin to think of touch.

Such a sad thread, but uplifting too, hearing about the love between you and your partners.

I remember my Dad saying, after Mum died, he missed the evening chats. Even though she had memory problems, he missed just chatting over the mundane days events with her, and running a problem past her. Even though she actually couldn't really help him. She was there.

I've never had that true deep dependable love from anyone,
it must be so hard for you to lose that special someone.

Flexagon - you are right. My OH died just before the first lock down so diversionary opportunities have been very limited.

Ouch! That poem about sums it all up.

Here’s a little poem I wrote after my husband died.

Get up with the morning, put on my happy face,
Eat breakfast, shower, make-up, hair in place,
Wear bright colours, buy new clothes to suit my slimmer shape,
Meet friends for lunch or coffee, indulge in chocolate cake.
Redecorate and garden, cinema or swim,
Take long walks with the Ramblers, book sessions at the gym.
Send emails, go to Book Club, watch sitcoms on TV,
Travel the world with others who are all alone like me.

And sing and sing for joy that every breath
Will bring me one step closer to my death.

Luckygirl

I have come to the conclusion that the basic rule of widowhood is never ever to appear needy. You may be feeling needy (with total justification) but never let it show. It is the biggest turn-off for others. Just paste on that smile and keep up the act. Sigh.

Yep, Luckygirl. Smokey Robinson's Tears of a Clown was my internal anthem. For about three years after DH died, I could not bear to be at home alone. I went out a lot, anything to detract from the pain and emptiness. Neighbours took to calling me the Merry Widow when I was anything but. Those more recently bereaved will not have had those opportunities for diversion.

I have come to the conclusion that the basic rule of widowhood is never ever to appear needy. You may be feeling needy (with total justification) but never let it show. It is the biggest turn-off for others. Just paste on that smile and keep up the act. Sigh.

nexus63 thank you . I never know if what I write makes sense. But I write as I speak. I am sorry you where widowed young but glad you found a close friend to love for all those years.

I to told my husband we would be ok and to stop fighting he died a few minutes after. I always think he was waiting for me to let him go. But I loved and love him to much to have to held on to him as he was in agony. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do.

You have double grief for the men you loved. But I think we are the lucky ones. Those of us who have lost are other halves are lucky we had that much love in our lives. Some people go their whole lives and never know love . It's the price we have to pay to have that love.

I wish well with your treatment and you sound positive and that's the best way to be with any illness / disease. And having family support will get you through it.

It's nice to know your acts of kindness are appreciated by your neighbours.

Take care

what a lovely post from whiff, i was widowed at 39, never expected to loose my husband at the age of 57, but a doctor made a mistake and i had to switch of the machine after he was left brain dead. what i got from people was...you are still young you can get another husband. i joined a bereavement group for people under 50, i met a lovely man and we chatted for a month on the phone, we met up and decide to become companions, we fell in love as really close friends, he stayed at mine every weekend and for 18 years it suited us until he died 6 weeks ago.
i moved to this house a year after my husband died and it was all elderly couples....nobody under 16 allowed to live here, about 9 years ago we had several deaths mostly men and i noticed that other couples started avoiding the widowed women (this is a small block of 50 houses using the same front door and lift). i made a point of stopping to chat to anyone who was sitting outside and asking if they wanted to meet at the community centre next to the building or going for a cuppa at the supermarket, i was in my late 40s but i could still understand loosing the love of your life and how years later it still hurts and you still miss them, most of them just wanted someone to talk to and always asked when me and mine are getting married, when i explained we are just keeping each company until our time comes....the looks i got...lol. a few times i had son/daughter coming to the door to thank me for cheering up there mum, i even pulled up some of the couples that i knew to be good friends with some of the women and sometimes it changed and i would get turned down for a cuppa as they were going out with said couple,
i will never forget my companion/partner and one of the last things i said as he was almost gone was.....it's okay to go, i will be fine and you have your darling wife waiting for you, when it's my time you three can meet and we will all have a double date. i miss him so much as the week before he died i found out i have cancer again....i will get through it as i have my family and a few close friends to help when things get bad, i will always be a widow, i still grieve for my husband all these years later and now for my partner.

Luckygirl, it's true that 'couples' invitations soon fade away - but the answer is to invite people yourself.

Even if it's just to a simple tea or picnic in the park, walk with the dog or fruit picking, it's an opportunity for a chat.

I recently joined a friend for a trip to the garden centre. It's nearby and I didn't need anything, but she wanted my advice. A lot of indoor things, like shopping, bowling or the cinema, we're not comfortable with yet.

travelsafar hope you had a lovely lunch with your daughter. And shared many happy memories of your husband. If your husband was like mine there where plenty of funny moments to think and laugh about . My darling was a klutz and couldn't go in the garden or wash the car without cutting himself . Then he would come in house with that silly grin on his face for me to patch him up.

Sounds like you have a nice week planned. Enjoy yourself and know as long as you remember him and hold him in your heart he is always with you. Well that's what I believe. I am atheist so don't believe my husband is watching me or we will met again. But because I remember and still love him as much as ever he is always with me. It's just another way of coping for me.

At the moment is doesnt bother me not being invited to gatherings. It may come further down the line though. Today would have been DH 67th Birthday. I am spending the day quietly at home thinking of him and waiting for my lovely daughter to arrive for sunday lunch. I count myself really lucky to have amazing neighbours who have all spoken to me today and i went round to one after an invite for a cuppa. My sister came round yesterday, and my niece is coming on Weds. My oldest friend will be here on Tuesday. I feel supported and cared for by all these lovely people. As i say it doesnt bother me at the moment not being invited out, just seeing family, friends and neighbours is enough right now.

Hope you are all managing to saw cool. Off back to the Midlands tomorrow to stay with my brother and sister in law for a few days. First time I have been back in nearly 2 years next month with be my 2nd year here. I am looking forward to going to see all the things they have done to their home.

But have mixed feelings about going and I don't really know why. I suppose that's where my life was with my husband . They live 20 miles away from where I did. So won't be going anywhere near my old house. I have no ties to my old house as I used to rattle round it as it was big. Once I found my bungalow I let it go in my mind as the bungalow was what I wanted. I have never been I want person. So wanting the bungalow shocked me. Luckily even though my house sale fell through twice they still agreed to sell me it.

Normally I can work out why I feel certain things as I know myself very well. But don't know why I feel like this today.

My brother and sister in law came to stay in June and we had a fabulous time. Love both of them very much. Took them both a while to find eachother . His 3rd and her 2nd marriage. Only wish they could have met 30 years ago instead of only 7 . My brother paid me a wonderful compliment after only a couple of dates . He said finally he knows what we had. As he had found his other half and understood how hard it was for me on my own.

As usual just rambling on. Hopefully I will feel differently tomorrow. My daughter and grandson are taking me to the station. Already got my bag packed.

Have a good week and keep cool it's going to hot well into next week. ?

MerylStreep just clicked on that link. So true. Loved it.