Have you lost friends following bereavement?

Luckygirl Pound to a penny Mrs Jealous put the kybosh on that. I’ve had twenty years of this nonsense. Nowadays, I register the glaring and the backturning and the grabbing onto partners arms for dear life and just carry on as usual. I wonder how these men were ever allowed out the door to go to work every day. It must be hell being in a such a controlling relationship that one can’t even give a bunch of flowers to a grieving friend without incurring suspicion.

I have a weird situation with a man here - I know him and his wife well, as they take part on an activity group that I organise and have done for years. They are both lovely and were very supportive in the first weeks of my bereavement.

When it was what would have been our Golden Wedding several months after he died, the man came round with a bunch of flowers for me, which was a kind thought; and I though nothing of it. A few months later (when I moved house) I asked for his advice about something and he and his wife came round to help me with it. But his wife was a bit "off" and at one point said "Am I allowed in here too?" - it was very strange.

They have now stopped coming to the activity.

Am I not to communicate with married males in my friendship group? Another loss on top of so many others.

@EliaRose. What a horrible experience. There are a lot of OP’s suggesting that the reason couples back away from bereaved women is that the female halves may not trust their husbands with a newly widowed and single woman. From some of the stories on here and my own experience, they obviously have good reason in some cases !!

My own experience of unwanted advances came very soon after my husband died. What I fail to understand is that if these men know you have been in a long standing and faithful relationship with one man, what makes them think you would suddenly jump into bed with them at a time when grief is at its’ worst ? In the early days after bereavement, it’s hard enough just to put one foot in front of the other and get through every day - what on earth makes these men think that sex must be the uppermost thing on your mind at such a time ?

The first male to try his 'luck' with me was just days after DH died, they were actually work colleagues and this man would never have interested me in a million years, he was only younger and with a young family.

Fortunately he didn't drive so there was no risk of him arriving unannounced and there was no public transport where we lived, so he asked me to drive and collect him, he would stay for 4 days and I could drive him home later.

He also suggested I tell my teen children they had to go stay with some of their friends...not to mention he had a wife at home with 4 young children.

My DH died suddenly so our 2 teens (like me) were still coming to terms with our sudden loss and for someone to suggest this was just the tipping point and I know my reply probably wasn't polite but I told this man to get lost in no uncertain terms. I was so upset that can't remember exactly what I said, but it left me shaking and in tears for days.

The gall of him to proposition his workmates wife just days after the death/funeral was over the top and I never spoke to him again. However I phoned another of their workmates to tell him because I knew this first man was noted for telling lies and I wanted the truth to be known to their work group. This second workmate 'had it out with him' at work the next day apparently and 'everyone' now knew what he had done and all were shocked and horrified. I never saw or heard from him again....

I can't believe that people can be so heartless. I have widowed friends and ask them to social occasions. Some of these women obviously feel that they can't trust their husbands!

I’m sure some of these ‘friends’ think now you’re a widow you might try and steal their husbands.

My very dear friend said she hoped I would understand but she couldn't cope with singles. It still grates and that was many years ago and she is long since dead. Unimaginable.

We’re they ever true friends in the first place ? I think not
Two of my friends have been bereaved over the last two years - as far as am concerned they need me more than ever

I think if you lose them - they were never friends in the first place. A few of mine have lost their husbands in the past year or two - as far as I’m concerned they need you more than ever !

Yes, I have been widowed for five years, and our oldest friends of 35 years have never been in touch, they came to DH funeral, and that was it.
I understand though, perhaps too painful for them.

I lost my husband almost two years ago. We had a few couples as friends but after he died they hardly get in touch. Obviously covid has interfered with meeting up but they have hardly been in touch. One couple in particular, who we have known for about 40 years drifted away I suspect because a couple of their
other friends had ended up single (husbands had died) and he was fed up being in women’s company all the time. My husband and I did do everything together so it’s this I miss. I also don’t like going out with couples because I feel like the third wheel. And I’m definitely not looking for another man. No one could take the place of my DH.

@grannybuy. Soon after my husband passed away I had similar problems with the male half of a couple who were good friends. I told him in no uncertain terms that his advances were unwelcome and inappropriate, and that if they continued I would be forced to tell his wife. The insinuation was that I was probably missing sex and that he would be happy to oblige. I sometimes do seriously wonder if some men are from a different planet !!

My DH died unexpectedly last year. To be honest, we had more support from some friends than from some family members. There have been few social occasions on the go, but I have been to the homes of two couples for a meal, and, like other posters, have met the wives of the couples for coffee. Due to the limited numbers allowed to attend funerals ( we had 30 ), after allowing for close family, we ‘invited’ the three couples who visited DH at home, and who helped me take him out sometimes. Unfortunately, I’ve had a different problem, in that one of the husbands has made unwelcome suggestions to me. I’m sure that others will have been in a similar situation. It will be interesting to see what happens in the future, re invitations.

I have a friend who found this. At a time she needed her friend most they all
Kept away - she was devastated

I have been widowed twice, and yes invitations to dinner do dry up. I think it's important to develop separate interests when married so that you are not left high and dry when left a widow (or widower). Also in later life there are far more women left than men, so single friends should not be difficult to find. I was immensely grateful to widowed friends when I lost my second husband. As one said "We've all been through it".

I've found I'm hardly ever asked to social occasions anymore now I'm in my own. I get out for lunch and shows with my girl friends, but never get asked if they are having barbeques, dinner, etc at their homes if it's all couples.
A close friend's hubby worked abroad and I saw her all the time and now he's retired I'm lucky to get out for a lunch every couple of months now, totally dropped. It hurts when I think of our friendship when she was on her own and how she treats me now she has her hubby back full time.

Couldn't agree with you more eazybee.

When my husband left me, I had to take on DIY as well as raising two toddlers and everything else that comes with a home and family.

The gutter fell down off my porch (narrowly missing the milkman!) so I climbed a ladder to unscrew the broken part to make it safe. I didn't have a screwdriver big enough, so popped across the road to borrow one from my DIY loving neighbour and, until then, friend.

He answered the door, and I was barely through my request when his wife appeared and told him he was urgently needed to peel the potatoes for dinner. And then she closed the door on me.

I was perplexed, we had been good friends, so I knocked again. His wife opened the door, took one look at me and told me not to pester her husband again, that they were happily married and that I should be ashamed of myself.

I went out and bought a screwdriver, so much less embarrassing!

Granneretto, What that friend did to your mom was dreadful, she wasn’t a friend, you’re better off on your own, I can’t understand how anyone could do that.

After my daughters father and I split up after 40 years - when a ‘friend’ explained she thought I might be after her husband- I told her that if I fancied her husband, I’d have gone after him when he was 30 with his own teeth, hair and no paunch and energy, not now , with him not having any of these features - she never bought it up again - true but effective

I’ve just got three old friends out of all the
friends we did have. A few friends husbands tried it on so I lost those friendships, I wasn’t going to tell the wives, they would have thought I was at fault., I don’t see my long term friends as much as I would like as they still have their partners, but they are true friends and would be with me if I asked, which I don’t. I find joining established groups where friendships are already firmed difficult, as if one of them things I’m muscling in and they will lose their buddy. I have felt very lonely at time this pandemic and although my nature is outgoing, doubted myself thinking what do I do wrong for this to happen, I will go out somewhere now on my own, when things are more normal I will start to holiday alone, as can’t think anything will change for the foreseeable. When first widowed I was in constant demand to baby sit, they have all grown and flown and all too busy.

It happens with divorce as well. I lost friends because I divorced and was even asked not to attend parent teacher meetings st my daughters’ school in the village where we lived. I’d worked hard to raise money and organise events. Our local vicar stopped attending meetings too in protest at such dreadful unkindness. I moved away to a more upmarket area where inbreeding wasn’t a problem with the natives.

H1954

This doesn't just happen in bereavement. Some people seem to think that it's perfectly ok for someone in an estranged couple to be treated as a punchbag and completely turn their backs favouring the perpetrator! Personally, I can do without such 'friends', I would rather be alone!

I wasn’t treated as a punchbag but I did lose most of my friends and what had been my only family when my marriage ended as they were mostly his friends to start off with and I had no family if my own. No one meant to take sides but it just happened that way even though I wasn’t the one who left him. It took a long time to rebuild my life. My neighbours and work colleagues were actually very kind to me.

@wicklowwinnie. Yep, I’ve been at the receiving end of this too - the people involved were in rocky relationships and didn’t even wait a decent amount of time before starting this predatory and disgusting behaviour. Yet, on the other side of the coin, my late husbands’ best friend, who was recently divorced and single, was decent, respectful and a tower of strength at the worst time of my life - we remain firm friends.

A friend told me that after she was widowed she got fed up with being chased by other women's husbands, who insisted she must be missing sex, and they were willing to oblige!!!

I can't repeat her replies. I leave you to guess!!

I said something to this effect to my DD and she seemed shocked as she has friends who are single as well as friends who are in couples, while single herself. I only have one married friend who still invites me socially to things when her husband is there. Most of my friends are other divorcees or widows. I guess she is lucky to have married friends who include her. She even has a male friend she sometimes goes walking with as his partner isn't a walker. I wonder if his partner is totally OK with them doing that. It's very sad if single women are always seen as predators, though one of my friends did lose her husband to a single 'friend' so it does happen.