How to treat bereaved friends

Don't tell the bereaved person what to do. About six weeks after my husband's death, a friend called to ask how I was. I tried to describe the utter, black despair and loneliness I was feeling at that moment and she responded with, "well, you'll have to get out and find something to do - a knitting group, U3A, family history or something...". All in a very brisk, no nonsense sort of tone as though she thought the sort of anguish I was describing could be cured by a few Knit & Natter sessions. I think I screamed at her. I certainly let her know that her response was insensitive and unkind to which she replied, very offended, that she was trying to help and wouldn't call me again but leave it for me to call her when I wanted to talk and was feeling more reasonable. Needless to say, I didn't.

The other thing I'd say is, don't assume that after the first year, the bereaved person is "over it" or "moving on" and less in need of your support and friendship. In many ways, the second year is proving harder for me than the first.

Partly, that's due to external circumstances. My OH died early last year, just as all the corona-chaos was kicking off. The house-arrest started two days after his funeral and, for weeks, nobody was able to do anything except talk on the phone or Skype etc. so there was lots of keeping in touch. Now, life is a little more normal and people are doing more - getting around, seeing friends and relations and going on holiday which is great and as it should be so there's less time for those chatty, supportive calls. However, for the bereaved person, this has brought the realisation that "normal" will never be normal again. Holidays, days out, visits to loved ones or participation in activities we both used to enjoy will forever now be accomplished alone and the sense of utter aloneness hits twice as hard. It was different last year when just about everyone was feeling lonely and miserable.

So, please spare a thought in your newly-busy life and call that bereaved friend or ask them to join you for a pub lunch. They may say, no but the knowledge that you thought of them will cheer them enormously.

chris8888 It may not be that people think that you should be "over" losing her by now. Many people are reticent and embarrassed about reminding the bereaved of their loss – as if they will ever forget their loved one. I was shocked when I talked to a friend about her husband and described how proud he was of her and their daughter on the first anniversary of his death and she told me that I was the only friend who had said a word about him that day. Her eyes and mine filled with tears but I feel sure I did the right thing. I still mention him and recall my joyous memories of him to both his widow and his daughter, although these days I have to do it through social media as I now live on the other side of the world.

How not to treat people. I lost my daughter a few years ago and what I find hard is the idea that `I should be over losing her by now`. That people even close family think sending a text on an anniversary or birthday is ok. I know people don`t know what to say but honestly a knock on the door, or a card, a coffee and the ability to talk about the person you loved is what is needed.

I think, if possible, to also be mindful of particular times that might be difficult in the weeks following the death.

For instance if someone has no family around and has just lost their OH Sunday could be a hard day, a day they used to spend with their spouse but which now hangs heavy as they imagine everyone else doing family stuff.
Or if someone always went shopping with their mum on a Saturday that might be a time that feels especially poignant.

An offer to meet for coffee or go for a walk could be very greatly appreciated, and make a difficult time slightly easier.

One of my friends who lives down the road from us. Turned up to ours with a bottle of wine. I had just returned home from hospital I was at my mums bedside for three days until she died.

My friend didn’t hesitate to comfort me when I needed it most. Yet she had only just been released from hospital after cancer treatment herself but considered me first.

My other friend who was also poorly turned up two days later they are such wonderful friends I am lucky to have them.

Now my two friends have health issues and problems and I am worried about them. I will support them all I can as they did me and my DH.

The best advice I can give you is see your friends don’t avoid them.

Things that we found helpful ...

A group of old schoolfriends and I take an annual break together, sometimes a long weekend, sometimes a whole week.

We had something booked when my husband died suddenly and unexpectedly. The holiday was three weeks away and only a week after his funeral. My gut reaction was to cancel but they urged me to go saying they would give me companionship when I needed it, space when I didn’t.

So that’s what I did and that’s what our group have continued to do over the years as others have also been bereaved. It’s exactly what needs to happen. Some sense of normality.

Yes AGAA4 it is the people that ignore you who are the worst. Sincere condolences Beswitched you are right everyone has different needs and it is so kind of you to share your thoughts with us at such a difficult time

The way not to treat a bereaved person is to ignore them. I had one (no longer a friend) who did just that.
Most, thankfully, rang and visited regularly and I was grateful for their care.

I think some people have different needs after a bereavement.
Some prefer to be left alone, some need to have company or to keep busy and occupy their mind.
Respect their wishes and always be a good listener not just for the days after the death but for the weeks and months to come.
The grieving process is a long one.
My sympathy to you and you family

My friend, who was bereaved two years ago, likes a phone call in the evening rather than the daytime.
She says most retired people she knows call her in the day, often in the morning. She says the evening is long and lonely - so I always call well after dinner when I know the loneliness is most acute.

Just thought I'd pass this on.

I think it is the same if your OH is in hospital . When it happened to me so many people said to give them a ring if I needed a lift for visiting . The real friends said " right , what day will I give you a lift "

Thank you for the kind posts.

Condolences on your loss.

Thank you for your post.

The points you've raised have made me more aware of my need as a friend to be the proactive one.

To offer an outing that can be turned down or not attended and to keep those offers going.

I don't have a problem with understanding that people aren't always in a place to "do" things but your post has made me realise that leaving the initiative with the person dealing with loss might be adding their burden not giving them freedom to choose.

Wishing you a peaceful day.

My sincere condolences Beswitched.
Most people mean well, but don’t realise how hard it is, after a bereavement, to be the proactive one. Fear of rejection, or of appearing “needy” has many times stopped me making the first move. As you yourself said.
The “best” friends are the ones who suggest the coffee out, a joint excursion, even a trip to the shops (one of my best friends asked me to go with her on a MOB outfit choosing day) - just something to get you out of the house and out of yourself.
Sadly lockdown last year put all that on hold but it is a lesson to us all - I hope those who have not suffered bereavements- if there are any- take note of your thread. We can all learn.

I would have just liked a chance to sit down with someone and talk about my mum after she died unexpectedly.
I was so busy looking after my dad who was absolutely devastated , who got so upset at every mention of her that I never got the chance.
The cards were all lovely , as were the flowers, but when I got back to work, I found that every time I mentioned mum, the subject was changed.
Just to have someone to sit with a coffee and chat would have been so much help.

Someone I know was nursing her husband, so I emailed each evening, just with chat. She could then reply when it was convenient. We continued with this after her husband died and still do it some years later. It's a good way to help fill those difficult times and something to look forward to each day.

Sending condolences on your loss.