Letter fr SD Should I respond

Sometimes we say more with silence than we ever can with words.
Ignore the letter.

Would it perhaps help you to ask a trusted friend or relative to help you draft a response to the letter... to be completely honest part of me says ignore and the other half says respond. If someone else were to help you it might have less of an emotional overtone to it.

Thank you for letting us know, and I'm glad you have someone to talk to.

I'm glad you are putting it to one side Droopdrawers, it's all so overwhelming and terribly sad isn't it.

I do agree with your BIL following my experience with my 'new' stepson, she will want to see if she is mentioned. I was horrified when he asked to see the will and worried he would try to contest it. I had given him copies of the Condolence book pages and photos to take away, I didn't even think of giving him a copy of the will at the time of his visit. I had a mirror will with my husband with the stepson as a 'long stop', and changed it as soon as I could face doing it.

Thank you all for your comments. They have been most helpful. I went to my husbands grave this morning and cried my heart out. I know he would have been furious and he would tell me to dismiss it. I have decided to take the general advise and put the letter away for now until I am in a calmer frame of mind. I spoke to my BIL about this and he was very upset. He thinks she is looking for a reaction to open a dialogue to see if there is anything for her. He also pointed out that she had contact with family members as she knew details about the funeral and why didn’t she ask them to act on her behalf if she wanted to be involved. He told me to look after myself and forget the whole thing. So once again, thank you all. I will update you when or if I make a decision. Xx

Bin the letter and forget it.

Condolences for the loss of your DH

Nannarose suggestion of 1) putting your SD's letter away for a while and 2) writing a reply and putting that away are really good ideas.

Or write 2 letters to be put away and re-read at a future date.

One letter saying everything you wish to say - probably not ever to be sent.

One letter with very simple statements of :-

I am sorry for your loss. I accept you are grieving too.

I ensured you were notified of your fathers death I will not ( please don't use can not) be held responsible for the choice you made on receipt of that information.

Whilst I am sad (the word is sad not sorry)for the lost years I am not, nor ever have been responsible for the choices of others be they you or your father.

I wish you well as you find your way through your grief.

Kind Regards ...

A card might be better as it limits the space to write and keeps you concise.

It's a softer form of the Queen's 'Never explain, never complain'

It states your position firmly without getting you into an emotional tangle that can latter keep this dragging on and I don't think anyone would benefit from that. You certainly don't need to get dragged into anything.

As someone said your SD has a family to take care of her your major role is to keep yourself emotionally safe and to Take Care of yourself.

Good Luck and I'm sure you'll find a way through this difficult time.

Sorry for the loss of your Dh Droopdrawers.
I would personaly bin it,you have nothing to say to her,she made her choice and she can live with it.
She may well feel guilty,but now is not the time to write to you.
please take care.

My condolences.
Your SD has not been well served by others, but that was not your doing.
I also think that you need to do whatever will help grieve properly - if that is not responding then fine. However, it is possible that some sort of response will help you.

If you want to bin the letter, I suggest at first sealing it away somewhere. That way you can bin it later, but you are keeping options open.
My other suggestion is writing a letter (don't date it yet) saying roughly what you have told us. Express some sorrow about the past as it affected her, and say something like 'it was my understanding that you didn't want contact with him, and it is a shame that we didn't know you had changed your mind'.
Put the letter away for awhile - re-read it - maybe ask a trusted friend to read it - and if you feel that it would put this issue to bed for you (and maybe her) then send it.

It is your SD's other family's job to look after her. It is your job to look after yourself and do whatever will help you - whilst of course being kind to her.

I hope you can find some peace to grieve properly.

Droopdrawers don't reply. It's funny that people come out of the woodwork when there is a death. Perhaps they are really wanting to know if there is money coming their way.

You have enough to cope with losing the other half of yourself. You must concentrate on yourself and those that love and care for yourself. When your husband died your present and future died to. It's very hard to make a new present and future. I speak from experience. My husband died 17.5 years ago aged 47.

I have written quite a bit on the pain of loss thread . Perhaps what I have written might help you.

She has made her feelings clear. If you respond she will only hurt you more. And that is the last thing you want or need.

I can't say grieving will get any easier as it's only gotten worse for me as the years have gone by . But you learn to cope better. Don't think you have to be brave you don't. If you want to cry,scream,shout or hit a pillow do it. I learnt through bitter experience if you try and hold those feelings in you are only hurting yourself.

Take one day at a time. And talk out loud to your husband I promise it helps. I have shouted and swore at mine. But always saw him with that stupid grin on his face.

Time to put want you want to do first . My heart goes out to you . ?

You do need to respond to her letter, but in simple. friendly terms Acknowledge her loss and her grief for her father which no doubt is genuine for opportunities lost; she sees herself as being rejected by him. Explain you understood her wishes were that she had no further contact with her father, (although I do feel that as his child, however distanced, she should have been invited to the funeral).

Ignore any unpleasant comments she has made; she is a grieving child, no matter what her age.

When my husband of thirty years died in 2016 I found out he had been seeing his son from his first marriage, for four years.

I contacted him about the funeral and he came, then a few months later to the ashes interment. A few days after the interment he emailed and asked to see 'his Dad's will'. He was only mentioned as a 'long stop' ie if all of us died.

I asked my solicitor to forward a copy to him and have never heard from him again.

You could direct your SD to the online will service, she can buy a copy from there?

Let sleeping dogs lie.

I agree with others that the best thing would be to ignore the letter. You can't change the past and it seems that this woman would like to keep the embers of her hurt alive. It's sad that this is how things are but I with the least said point of view in this instance.

Droopdrawers, I really wouldn't bother responding. When we're told that somebody has died, it's up to us to find out about the funeral arrangements, end of!

Calendargirl that was my thoughts too. My friend’s husband died and his son (her stepson) had cut her husband out of his life a decade earlier. The son sent angry letters that he hadn’t been invited to the funeral and then challenged the will. I wouldn’t respond personally. ( this situation was similar, he became a better husband to wife 2, but wasn’t a particularly shining example of parent hood to his first family)
It sounds as if your DH matured and became a wonderful husband to you, but wasn’t always that way in the past. It sounds like your eyes are wide open both to his best qualities and his faults, you and SD will both will have had completely different experiences of him as a person. Her version of him as valid as yours and I imagine she is grieving both the loss of a father she wasn’t close to, and the loving and present father she wished she had.
Families are complicated things, and my sincere condolences on your loss

Firstly, I’m so sorry for your loss. ?

I think that your SD is probably feeling a whole range of emotions right now, including guilt and possibly regret and has given vent in part in that letter to you.

At the moment you are trying to cope with the death of your beloved husband, so perhaps now is not the time to respond, if at all, (and my own instinct would be not to respond at all, as SD made clear her feelings previously by breaking contact with your DH and if you have any, her step siblings).

You might feel, as time passes, that you would like to respond, but think very carefully if it would be the wise thing to do.
The cynical side of me wonders, like Calendargirl if she thinks she might be entitled to some inheritance and is making contact, albeit angrily, in the hope she might have been left something?

Tread carefully would be my advice, and follow your gut instinct. As you say, it could possibly open a can of worms - would you be able to cope with that?

Sorry about your loss Droopdrawers. More stress at this time is the last thing you need.
CafeAuLait seems to have experience of this and offers a good solution. I think, like M0nica, that this is a no win situation. I would not answer, and since the letter is unpleasant, I’d bin it.

My condolences on the loss of your husband Droopdrawers

I agree with other posters, you are grieving now and don't need this hassle. I would just ignore the letter. If however you feel you must acknowledge her letter then Cafeaulait had a good response.

Bin the letter and try not to think about it.

Sorry to hear of your loss. It must be very hard for you. The letter writer had time to respond to the news of her fathers death, by requesting when the funeral would be. She is possibly regretting her lost years, her choice, and now seeking to blame anyone but herself. There may be an ulterior monetary motive too. I would not answer this letter, you are still grieving and do not need hassle from a woman who made her own decisions regarding her relationship with her father.

I would not reply to the letter. you have enough to worry about closer to home..

My condolences on your loss. This is the last thing you need at a time like this.

Although, I have no experience of exactly your situation, I think regretfully this is a no win situation. You will be damned if you ignore her and damned if you reply.

On balance, I would ignore her because if you write, no matter how kindly and gently you reply to her, she will twist and turn the words to mean things you never meant and cause more problems. Ignore her, you will never see or hear of her again and you presumably do not live near each other.

Is she hoping there might be some inheritance due to her maybe? And that is why she has contacted you?

I agree with Spinnaker nothing she can say will make you feel better about your loss, she will probably try to make you feel worse, so ignore any correspondence as another poster said, she is not your problem.