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Unwanted comments

(63 Posts)
TillyWhiz Wed 06-Oct-21 08:14:37

My husband died 2 1/2 years after a long illness. I went in the village shop recently and a woman in there, whom we were acquainted with as is the way in villages, expressed her surprise that I was still living in our house. She's never been to my house. I said yes, it's my home and I have fantastic neighbours. But she's not the first - what makes people think they are entitled to make comment on your life because you are alone? It rankled.

greenlady102 Fri 08-Oct-21 12:29:10

idiot people will say idiot things in many thing is to take no more notice of them than I do of a crow cawing in the garden....actually less notice...I quite like crows.

Judy54 Fri 08-Oct-21 14:18:45

What a great response Rosina yes let them see how they would cope even just for a weekend let alone long term. Well said.

Rosina Fri 08-Oct-21 15:21:29

Judy54 thank you - it was a hard decision for all the family as you can imagine, but she was calmer and better cared for by professionals. People don't realise that at times you are making the best of a bad job, or a 'damage limitation', as I feared for FiL's health and we couldn't possibly have looked after her with two young children and work demands. I have to tell myself that it is lack of imagination, or experience, or empathy, not unkindness that makes people say these things!

Daisend1 Fri 08-Oct-21 15:47:24

My answer 'Yes we all have 'crosses to bear don't we'. Never fails .

travelsafar Fri 08-Oct-21 15:53:53

I think my neighbours were worried i would leave when DH died and they would end up with a family with children. In our little block none of us have any, we are all elderly with grandkids or none at all. I was flooded with help in the garden and i have been given lots of support. I keep telling them i am not leaving and even though i have had a new shed base and a new shed is coming next month i think they are still concerned, bless them. I also had the social services install a rail by my front door to help with the steps and they put a rail in the bathroom and two by the back door. All evidence i dont intend uprooting myself anytime soon. smile

Allsorts Fri 08-Oct-21 15:59:40

I think some people are just thoughtless, they don’t have a lot of empathy. Just let it go, her opinion won’t affect your life. Good luck it’s not easy at times.

Pammie1 Fri 08-Oct-21 16:20:24

I had this a lot after my husband died. There was an assumption that I would want to move and ‘downsize’, but our house wasn’t that big anyway, and there were a lot of lovely memories there, so I stayed put until I met the man who is now my husband. The move was purely practical as I had no family where we lived before, so we moved closer to his.

The comments and expressions of surprise/disgust/dismay from various family and friends when I met and - shock, horror - actually had the temerity to date him, are for another thread !! I do agree that some people feel entirely justified in telling you how to live after the loss of a partner, even though it’s something they can’t possibly identify with unless they have experienced it for themselves. I was given unsolicited and unwanted advice on how to dress, how to ‘cater for one’ and even how I should find new interests now that I would be a widow for the rest of my life !! I think it’s partly rooted in fear - we all have a 50/50 chance of being the one left behind and witnessing others losing their partners reminds people of that.

Pammie1 Fri 08-Oct-21 16:56:24

@Shelflife. My mum, who is 90 and lives with us, was diagnosed with vascular dementia last year, so I know something of the awful dilemma you faced in making the decision about her care. You cared for your mum at home for a long time, until it got too much, and despite the crass and thoughtless remarks from your friend you will know in your own heart that you made the right decision for everyone concerned - including your mum. My own mum is ok at the moment, but I know the time is not far off when I will have to make a similar decision as her condition deteriorates. I hope I have the courage to do what’s best for her when the time comes. ?

Forestflame Sun 07-Nov-21 12:21:25

I have known a couple of people who have cared for loved ones with dementia at home. They did their very best for as long as they possibly could before they had no choice but to put them into care. No one who is in that awful situation should be made to feel guilty by others (who often have never been in that situation. I worked in care at the start of my working life, so I have some idea how hard it can be. Anyone who looks after a loved one with a debilitating illness at home 24/7, is an amazing person worthy of total respect.

paddyann54 Sun 07-Nov-21 13:30:07

A lot of people want to say something but dont know what to say .My MIL told me not to worry when my baby was dying "because the next one will be a boy"That remark stayed with me for years ,then I realised she thought she was being helpful as we only had a boys name picked, she maybe thought we didn't want a girl .My children of both sexes have amazing close relationships with her and their late Grandfather .When that baby died people crossed roads or dived into shops to avoid having to find the RIGHT words .

Pepper59 Sun 07-Nov-21 16:38:43

Just ignore these people. Mind you it's one of the reasons I don't get involved with neighbours. Good fences and all that.

TillyWhiz Mon 08-Nov-21 15:09:03

Forestflame. Thank you so much for your post. My husband had a debilitating lung condition but your kind remarks really touched me. That's what we need. Understanding and respect.