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Bereaved at Christmas

(36 Posts)
denisep5 Mon 13-Dec-21 10:59:57

Hi everyone

My partners mum passed away on 4.12 and my mum passed away on 5.12. We lost them both suddenly within 24 hours and we are numb. We have funerals on 17th and 22nd and the thought of Christmas is killing me. I can’t even comprehend putting a tree up am I being unreasonable ? I don’t know x?

Germanshepherdsmum Mon 13-Dec-21 11:06:55

I'm so sorry. No you're not being unreasonable. I couldn't imagine putting a tree up in those circumstances. My granny died suddenly on 21st Dec many years ago now, and Dad immediately took down all the decs. Just do what feels right for the two of you and any immediate family to get through Christmas and out the other side. flowers

janeainsworth Mon 13-Dec-21 11:07:38

What an awful shock for you both. I’m so sorry.
Christmas isn’t compulsory. Do what feels right for you and your partner, don’t feel you have to meet others’ expectations. thanks

Blossoming Mon 13-Dec-21 11:10:01

Condolences to you and your partner and family. No, you’re not being unreasonable. I can’t imagine celebrating in those circumstances.

Daisymae Mon 13-Dec-21 11:13:50

No, you are reacting perfectly normally. It takes a while to come to terms with what has happened. Christmas is a difficult time for a lot of people. Do what feels right for you both. So sorry for your loss.

Grandmabatty Mon 13-Dec-21 11:29:48

O am so sorry for your losses. Condolences to you both. As an earlier poster said, celebrating Christmas isn't 'compulsory'. You need to grieve.

crazyH Mon 13-Dec-21 11:35:08

Oh so sad …condolences to you, your partner and all the family.
YANBU. However, are there very young children in the family?
If there are, it’s a different matter. It will be hard to explain to them. But the decision is yours ….

jaylucy Mon 13-Dec-21 11:38:16

Very sorry for your loss.
I don't think you are being unreasonable about not wanting to celebrate Christmas this year.
I think that you will find that there are many people that are in the same situation over the first year that a family member will be missing.
You will probably be feeling a little numb at the moment so perhaps decide to just get together with your remaining family and have a nice meal on Christmas Day, while raising a glass to their memory.
The tinsel and trimmings can wait for future years , but I always think it's nice to light a candle for those that have passed on.

silverlining48 Mon 13-Dec-21 11:39:12

A double blow, and a shock. Do what you feel you want .to do and if that is nothing then that is ok too. I am so sorry.
Wishing you a gentle Christmas.

kathsue Mon 13-Dec-21 11:49:59

So sorry for your losses. flowers YANBU. Losing a loved one at Christmas adds an extra layer of pain and grief.
My DD died just before Christmas 15 yrs ago. We left the decorations up for GS but couldn't face the Christmas dinner or all the "jollity".
Allow yourselves time to grieve.

Helen657 Mon 13-Dec-21 11:51:26

So sorry for your losses.
As other people have said, do what is right for the two of you. It is tricky if children are involved as you need to balance your grief with their anticipation/excitement of Christmas.
I lost my 12 year old daughter on 15/12 several years ago (funeral 22/12), we also had a 10 year old. DD had already trimmed up (she loved Xmas), and we had to just take it a day at a time.
Both broke my heart & made me smile when DS excitedly opening his presents said “best Xmas ever” then looked horrified on realising what he’d said. We told him DD would want him to be happy.

Make time for yourselves and you’ll get through xx

BlueBelle Mon 13-Dec-21 12:00:59

Very sorry to hear this what a dreadful shock for you both
Of course you don’t feel like celebrating Christmas and it is completely acceptable to do nothing
Spend a couple of quiet days together and do exactly what you feel able to do if it means staying in bed all day do it or have a quiet lunch together thinking or talking about your two mums that’s ok too You may want to talk, you may not want to, we re all different
Do what’s right for you both take care of each other and leave the outside world to celebrate this year

paddyann54 Mon 13-Dec-21 13:05:48

We lost my MIL on Thursday ,3 weeks after she had a massive stroke .I had already put the tree up and the nativity for the wee ones but we wont bother with outside lights or any celebration

.My children and GC are all heartbroken as Nana was a very big and much loved part of their lives.
I think its just a case of getting through it ,funeral next week, rather than taking part in any celebration .My sincerest condolences to you both ,take care of each other and yourself

Germanshepherdsmum Mon 13-Dec-21 13:11:47

So sorry paddy.?

Sar53 Mon 13-Dec-21 13:16:06

My condolences to you both, what a dreadful shock.

Do what you feel is right for you and make sure you take the time to grieve.

My very best wishes xx

silverlining48 Mon 13-Dec-21 13:26:43

Kathsue and Helen flowers flowers

Kate1949 Mon 13-Dec-21 13:28:46

Oh my goodness. I'm so sorry Denise and Helen flowers

Kate1949 Mon 13-Dec-21 13:29:23

And paddy of course.

LindaPat Mon 13-Dec-21 13:30:16

I'm so sorry for your losses. Do whatever feels right for you just now, don't worry about Christmas. Allow yourselves time to grieve. There will be much to do and organize in these first few weeks, Christmas festivities can take a back seat, your mind will not be able to comprehend any sort of " celebration".

We lost my lovely Mum back in June this year, and honestly the first few weeks are still a blur. My OH was a godsend, he took over all the legal stuff, as I was in a bit of a daze.

We certainly couldn't have coped with Christmas as well, in fact I'm having a struggle with it now, I miss her so much.

Please take time for yourselves, and hopefully you can comfort each other. Sending you strength and a big hug.

Take care xx

Grandmadinosaur Mon 13-Dec-21 13:40:36

I am so sorry for your losses. What a shock. I would say do what is right for yourselves whatever you feel.
I lost my mum this year too. Although I am ok I don’t really feel like going through with Christmas but having small GC who don’t understand I have to put a face on.
I also have a dear friend who lost her husband a week ago. I cannot imagine her pain.
Take care ?

25Avalon Mon 13-Dec-21 14:48:31

My deepest sympathy to you and anyone else who has suffered a bereavement. Just do what you feel is right for you and your family. When ds died I didn’t want to celebrate Christmas at all but rest of family thought I should do something. I put the tree up and decorated it solely with silver star lights. No other decorations anywhere and M&S meal. It was strangely very soothing. Somehow you will get through. Best wishes xx

Barmeyoldbat Mon 13-Dec-21 15:08:38

My dil just dropped down dead in front of the whole family on Saturday, everything was done to try and save it but failed. The family are still going to celebrate Christmas.

silverlining48 Mon 13-Dec-21 15:38:47

Don’t know what to say barmy, that is awful. I am so sorry.

Avalon your silver star lights sound beautiful and must have brought a bit of peace in what must have been a heartbreaking time.

My dd had a very serious diagnosis, she is ok but every ache and pain brings on the fear ,all over again.

Allsorts Mon 13-Dec-21 15:41:35

I lost, mother, father, grandmother, then my husband at Christmas. I know how you feel, I put a face on for everyone

denbylover Mon 13-Dec-21 19:01:41

I am sorry for your loss. If we were in your situation, Christmas would be on the back burner. There will be other Christmases, time now to grieve and remember.