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(43 Posts)
GagaJo Thu 24-Feb-22 00:29:29

My mother died last week. I'm in the middle of clearing her house. Every time I go in, I go through the weirdest, distressing routine. I feel the need to search for something. I'm not sure what. There's nothing to find that I haven't already been through, still I have this compulsion.

Blossoming Thu 24-Feb-22 00:35:26

So sorry for your loss x

Ali23 Thu 24-Feb-22 07:00:05

Thinking of you Gagajo.

Grieving is such a deep and powerful thing, I’m sure the need to search will settle. Maybe handling her things during the search is meeting a need of some kind?

cornergran Thu 24-Feb-22 07:06:07

I’m sorry for your loss gagajo snd hope you have support. I recall something similar when both my parents died although looking back I now understand what I searched for was different in both cases. Please be gentle with yourself, it’s ok to be just as you are. flowers.

Aldom Thu 24-Feb-22 07:11:49

Thinking of you Gagajo,
I understand that 'searching' feeling. I still experience the feeling that I have lost something and it is three years since my son died. A feeling of panic rushes through me and I have to check I have everything with me that I should have. In the early days I mentioned to my daughter that I kept feeling as if I had lost something and she said, 'You have lost something, you've lost your son'.
You have lost your mum.
My kindness thoughts are with you. flowers

GrannyGravy13 Thu 24-Feb-22 07:25:02

Gagajo sorry for your loss.

I understand your looking for something , although I have no explanation, my sister and I felt the same,

Witzend Thu 24-Feb-22 07:26:03

I’m so sorry, Gagajo. ?
Clearing a house is horrible anyway so you have all my sympathy - maybe you’re subconsciously afraid that there’s something of sentimental value that you’ve somehow missed? Or could it be that your mother’s missing presence is somehow translating into this feeling?

Nannarose Thu 24-Feb-22 07:49:05

GagaJo, my condolences. What you are feeling and doing is absolutely normal.
We have become familiar with the classic stages of grief, but this part is not (usually) mentioned. You see it most clearly in children, and in this situation - you are a child.
I have no specific advice, but I personally find that knowing something is 'normal' helps me. You will still have those feelings, but you won't worry so much about them.

Of course it is possible that you have missed something, or have a memory of something that should be there and isn't, but I would not waste too much concern on that. Once you have cleared as well as you can, you have to let go.

Witzend - what a lovely expression 'your mother's precious presence'.

I hope the rest of the clearing goes well for you GagaJo, and that you find the clearing and sorting helps.

BlueBelle Thu 24-Feb-22 07:55:25

After my Dad died I wanted to hear his voice and I had this overwhelming need to find something with his voice on I went though every idea, every phone message with a tooth comb over and over even when I d already searched there I never found anything and now 10 years on I still yearn to hear his voice which I cannot hear in my head any longer I loved my mum just as much but never had that overwhelming need
I know this is different because I knew what I was searching for but in a way it’s the same
All my thoughts go to you x?

Nana3 Thu 24-Feb-22 08:02:36

Condolences to you GagaJo flowers

Froglady Thu 24-Feb-22 08:03:31

Can you take your time clearing her house? When my stepfather died my mother was trying to clear out his things (he had been a journalist so there were thousands of books and papers, etc, etc. I told her not to look at his office as a whole unit but to break it down into small bits, so just to decide to clear one shelf one day and it worked for her. When she died she lived in a rented flat and we weren't allowed any free weeks to clear it out so we paid rent for 2 weeks and managed to clear it out in that time but it was hard.
Maybe as someone has said it's simply looking for your mum's presence and her essence.
I'm sorry that you're going through this; it brings everything home when you have to clear out someone's life and it's so hard to do.

Iam64 Thu 24-Feb-22 08:27:01

Condolences GagaJo, losing your mum is such a hard bereavement. Are you on your own with all the practical things that need doing?
Feeling lost may be part of the searching. Take care of yourself

ShazzaKanazza Thu 24-Feb-22 08:33:59

GagaJo ? so sorry to hear about your loss. I’ve not experienced this yet but had to say you will get through this and I really hope you find what you are searching for.
Everyone’s posts are beautiful to read and a big bunch of ? to you all.

SueDonim Thu 24-Feb-22 08:57:38

I’m very sorry you’ve lost your mum. flowers. Can you delay clearing out for a while?

Germanshepherdsmum Thu 24-Feb-22 09:04:11

I’m so very sorry GagaJo. I remember you saying that your Mum was very ill and I was thinking yesterday you hadn’t posted lately.
What you’re doing is so very hard. I hope you have some help and company. You may be subconsciously searching for your Mum. Grief does strange things to us. 22 years later I still find myself sometimes thinking ‘Must ask/tell Mum’.

Look after yourself and I hope to see you back again when you feel ready.?

GrannySomerset Thu 24-Feb-22 09:06:57

My sympathy, Gagajo, the sense of loss appears to take so many strange forms. I have to tackle DH’s clothes, records and many books but can see it taking all summer.

Bluebelle is so right about voices. Well over sixty years since my mother died and I still yearn to hear her voice again. Perhaps we should try to record those we love while we can, though whatever mechanism we use will probably be obsolete in a few years.

Grandmabatty Thu 24-Feb-22 09:56:42

I'm sorry to hear about the death of your mum GagaJo. ?

JaneJudge Thu 24-Feb-22 09:58:46

I'm sorry Gagjo sad flowers as other posters say, it is normal and ime can happen in dreams too xx

Luckygirl3 Thu 24-Feb-22 10:11:59

I send condolences to you. When someone dear to us dies, our reactions can often surprise us. I hope you can do the clearing out in your time and not feel rushed. flowers

GagaJo Thu 24-Feb-22 10:15:56

I live 300 miles away so don't have the luxury of time unfortunately. I've done 3 days and am at home now. Will go back in a week to do more.

Thank you for the empathy. My emotions are all over the place.

JaneJudge Thu 24-Feb-22 10:20:37

They are bound to be. That is an incredible stress in one week sad flowers and 600 miles of travel too.

You really need to rest before next week. Do you have siblings?

Hetty58 Thu 24-Feb-22 10:28:22

When we lose somebody, a little part of our mind just can't quite believe it - so there's the 'searching'.

My friend died and it seemed quite impossible that a van full of clothes and household bits for the charity shop, along with a skip full of furniture, was the last trace of her whole existence. I took away a little potted houseplant and nurtured it as something very special.

When my husband died, I kept waking from a dream (in a panic) where he bounded in the front door, as usual - and I said 'What are you doing here, you're dead!'

bikergran Thu 24-Feb-22 10:44:57

Our mind plays so many tricks on us when we are grieving.

GagaJo Thu 24-Feb-22 10:50:22


Our mind plays so many tricks on us when we are grieving.

Yes, after I'd done it a couple of times, I had to tell myself there was nowhere else to search, that I'd seen everything. It was a horrible sensation.

As much as it was traumatic to sit by her in her final coma, I'd give anything to be able to do it again. ?

Early days.

Redhead56 Thu 24-Feb-22 12:17:52

So very sorry to hear of your loss take it easy and look after yourself ?