Attending her grave and what to do

Yes he is seeing someone now

My DH was cremated, then 50% of his ashes were interred in his family's grave. The other half is with me and they will be scattered in a favourite place along with mine when I die. Myself, I do not believe that the ashes are a significant thing - my DH lives on in my heart and memories and those of all who loved him. However, I have seen something that might appeal to you. It was a drinking water faucet, near the entrance to a cemetery, dedicated to a young man who had died and been buried at sea. It looked as if it had been well tended over the years, with fresh flowers in a vase beside it. Perhaps something like that situated locally to you would be a comfort to you?

This must be immensely painful for you. I would do a combination of several of the suggestions above; plant some wildflowers there, and some bulbs (choose tough ones like native daffodils, muscari etc.) that will pop up every year. Often grave areas are mown regularly so you want hardy plants like this which won't be damaged. Maybe someone could take photos each year for you to see? Plant a tree or similar near you where her soul can rest if not her ashes. You could have a headstone too as BlueBelle suggested. I think aggie is probably right that it isn't that your sil doesn't want to go but that it may be too painful for him yet. We all feel and cope with grief differently and he may well feel able to go to the grave in time. It sounds from the plans she made that your dd had good reason to choose to have her ashes interred near him. Deepest sympathies to you; I cannot imagine the pain of losing a daughter and my heart goes out to you.

Sorry, crossed posts. Yes, I would ask or write. You seem to have a good relationship with him and you are sensitive so will find the right words.

Sorry mother-duck your post hadn’t arrived when I posted So he is dating and seeing someone else so he’s moved on !!!
I think you are perfectly right to ask to have your daughter brought to be with you

If he had moved on when she was alive she would have come to you for comfort I m sure So I think it’s the right thing to do for you, for her and hopefully your little grandson can as he gets older visit with you and you can tell him all about his lovely Mum
A year is no time to ‘move on’ good luck to him but yes bring her to you the marriage and her memory isn’t being honoured by him as he’s not even going to the grave and looking after it whilst ‘moving on’ he could be doing both if he chose to

Choughdancer but would she have chosen to be there if she knew he was not going to look after her and would have a girlfriend within 12 months She wanted to be near him to comfort him it doesn’t sounds as if he needs comforting

My sister in law died at 28 with cancer and her husband also "moved on" quite quickly (maybe a year or two) but his love of my sister in law was not diminished by his new relationship and I know he talked about her a lot to his "new" partner.

It was your daughter's wish to be there, near him. SHE chose that (and you don't necessarily know her whole thought process around this) so I feel if it were my daughter I would see it as totally wrong to move her ashes. We are privileged to watch our children grow to adult and to watch them fly. What they choose as adults may not always suit us but it is their choice.

I think it would be very wrong (and accusatory) to discuss moving them.
Do not sour your relationship with the man she loved.

I do feel sympathy for you, as everyone must, but please let this go.

Oh motherduck - I must have missed about the fact she had a baby - sadder still ??

The new someone he is seeing may well be part of his way of grieving, and perhaps it will end and he will then do the tending of the grave...

You say:
put bluntly if he didn’t want to go at all surely she could have been near me

Is it possible that he wanted to fulfill her last wishes and had no idea how he might feel about visiting her grave?

So sorry for your loss Motherduck. I think the suggestions about planting things which would provide long term cover for the grave are the best thing. Hopefully as your grandson grows older his dad will be able to tell him about his mum and the boy will be able to visit her grave. I can understand how desperate you are to have her close to you and be able to take care of the grave. But even if it is close to you maintaining it will become more difficult as you age. If there are plants which will bloom every year you could visit a few times each year to tidy up and take your grandson with you.
I think your son-in-law is still grieving, but he kept her ashes for a whole year and is now trying to distance himself . It doesn't mean he has forgotten her.

I think, if you don’t mind my saying so, that you should absolutely approach your son in law and gently and without judgement offer to have the grave moved near you. Everyone grieves in a different way and people relate to the idea of the grave/memorial differently, especially during the first year. There is no right or wrong. You are both suffering enormously! My heart goes out to both of you. I hope your offer to move your daughter’s grave closer to you is a blessing and a balm to both you and your son in law. If the grave is moved I think you will be able to mourn and remember her as you wish, and he will be able to do so, too, as he wishes and as he can manage.

This must be so hard for you Motherduck, and it sounds as if you are being incredibly understanding and generous to your SIL even though he is seeing someone else. I think that NotSpaghetti may well be right though that he hasn't necessarily stopped loving your daughter. I have a friend who over the years had 3 husbands, all of whom died, and although she remarried, she always loved each of them just as much as she had while they were alive. I hope that this is the case with your SIL too.

Hithere

OP

Would you consider grief therapy?

WOW

Why wow?

NotSpaghetti

You say:
put bluntly if he didn’t want to go at all surely she could have been near me

Is it possible that he wanted to fulfill her last wishes and had no idea how he might feel about visiting her grave?

Yes no doubt about it, it’s what to do now with the situation as it stands, either I accept it and though it’s not down to me and I may have to it but, it condenses my grief. Grief counselling as someone helpfully (not) suggested won’t stop me hurting or help me forgets her barren grave.
I do understand why it’s happened and other things I can do to honour and remember her, she’s in my heart. Sorry to go off piste a little bit I’m trying to put some context in for the other replies here, all well meant.

BlueBelle

Choughdancer but would she have chosen to be there if she knew he was not going to look after her and would have a girlfriend within 12 months She wanted to be near him to comfort him it doesn’t sounds as if he needs comforting

Correct Blurbelle sadly

It's the practicalities which are causing the grief to feel worse.
I couldn't bear to think of my girl's resting place being left untended. (And I'm not the sentimental type)

NotSpaghetti

My sister in law died at 28 with cancer and her husband also "moved on" quite quickly (maybe a year or two) but his love of my sister in law was not diminished by his new relationship and I know he talked about her a lot to his "new" partner.

It was your daughter's wish to be there, near him. SHE chose that (and you don't necessarily know her whole thought process around this) so I feel if it were my daughter I would see it as totally wrong to move her ashes. We are privileged to watch our children grow to adult and to watch them fly. What they choose as adults may not always suit us but it is their choice.

I think it would be very wrong (and accusatory) to discuss moving them.
Do not sour your relationship with the man she loved.

I do feel sympathy for you, as everyone must, but please let this go.

Bring close to my daughter and caring for her, listening to her open her heart and voice all her thoughts wishes and fears I can assure you I certainly do know her thought process. Heavens who do you think she talked to one to one over the covid period, her Mum! Goodness me

Hithere

Why wow?

When you’ve walked a year in my shoes after losing my 28 year old daughter and someone suggests therapy you will understand. I wouldn’t want anyone to walk in my shoes.

"Grief counselling as someone helpfully (not) suggested won’t stop me hurting or help me forgets her barren grave."

Of course not, the hurt will not go away.

It would give you tools how to manage your grief, find your new normal and cope with your loss

MissAdventure

It's the practicalities which are causing the grief to feel worse.
I couldn't bear to think of my girl's resting place being left untended. (And I'm not the sentimental type)

Yes, that’s it Miss Adventure

Hithere

"Grief counselling as someone helpfully (not) suggested won’t stop me hurting or help me forgets her barren grave."

Of course not, the hurt will not go away.

It would give you tools how to manage your grief, find your new normal and cope with your loss

I know, I do. For the record I do have grief counselling. My issue though is the one I’ve posted, with regard to her ashes.

I have not read all this thread, but, as far as looking after the grave and haaving plants (rather than flowers, which die quickly), you can get an undertaker to maintain the grave, although you will need to pay for this.

My parents ashes and my sisters are buried a long way from where I and my surviving sister live and we pay the undertaker to keep the grave clean and tended.

You must also realise that not everybody wants to visit the grave of a loved one after their death, some people cannot bear even the thought of doing such a thing, it brings the death of their loved one constantly to their mind and they would rather remembeer them alive, through photos and memorabilia at home.

Surely the best way to remember your daughter, is not by grave visiting, except on birthdays, Christmas etc, but by making your daughter live for your dear grandson who will have no memories of his mother except what his father may say - and you are the only one with those memories of when mummy was a child that fascinate most children. So concentrate your enegries on seeing your grandson regularly, seeing your daughter in him and helping him cope with the inexplicable (to him) dissapearance of his mother.

OP

I am more in your shoes than you know, sadly

I wish you the best.