Attending her grave and what to do

I am so sorry for your loss,losing a child is perhaps the hardest of losses.
I dont ever visit graves ,when my MIL died recently my SIL refused to have the ashes scattered in the Garden of Remembrance BUT she wont have them in her home .So they live in mine until she decides whats to be done with them .
I'm of the mindset that when someone dies and the light goes out of their eyes then they are gone and whats left isn't them .Even when my baby daughter died I felt the same ,even though my own parents tried to talk me into a grave I could visit ,it didn't happen .
What you're doing is grieveing and that will last for the rest of your life ,your SIL is grievng in hs own way too.Dont be harsh about him meeting someone else,he's just trying to fill the space left by your daughter and he'll find that it cant be filled ,but of it helps him get through the days until he can face that she wont be back surely thats good .
I also dont think moving her ashes is a good idea ,he might not visit but he followed her wishes of where to bury her and it wouldn't be right to over rule that .
I can only hope that you find peace ,that you can find a way to let her go and be able to talk about the good times with her and try to find a way forward with her wee family without causing more hurt for you all

My husband died age 30, I couldn’t have a photograph of him in the house, I dated less than a year after he died, I wasn’t
moving on, I was lost, I didn’t marry again,

My darling daughter died just over 4 years ago, her ashes have not been interred, they will be, with me.

Grief is so private, we cope with it in anyway we can, I plant my
daughter’s favourite flowers and shrubs in my garden , I see
her in the flowers not in a box.

Oh dear, what an awful situation for you all. Firstly, addressing the issue of your SIL moving on. I suspect that it is what he thinks he is doing by entering a new relationship so quickly but the very fact he can't face the grave shows he hasn't really moved on. He's deflecting, burying his head in the sand and handling things in the only way he knows. Please try not to be disapproving because that path only leads to trouble and presumably you want to be a grandparent to the child.
Of course we must respect the dead but life is for the living. Whilst I don't feel that it would be the end of the world if you sensitively approached the issue of where the grave is, you have to weigh up what is more important, respecting your daughter's wishes (she probably knew her husband well enough to know what the situation would be) or filling your need to tend the grave. A healthy compromise might be to do as others have suggested and find a way of planting more long term plants or using artificial flowers and visiting less often. If there is an afterlife, your daughter will know of your wish for respecting her grave even if it is untended.
Nobody can destroy the love in your heart for your daughter nor can they take away all those memories of her. A grave well tended or not will not replace either of those. You are so early on in your grief journey and this is all part of it. A grief counsellor could help you deal with this so it doesn't become all consuming. As someone who has lost a daughter, albeit in very different circumstances, it does get easier to bear. It never goes away but you do get to the stage where you can focus on the positive rather than the negative but it is a long journey which often needs assistance. My heart goes out to you.

I agree Luckygirl we all handle grief in different ways and it must be very hard for this young man bringing up his small son without the little boy's mother.

"he sounds as if he’s just wiped it all out" - I am sure that is not true - he is dealing with a difficult situation in his own way.

And me. I can't imagine the pain.
Talk to her - her soul is still there.
She might be able to reply.

SiL has removed all photos of my daughter and she isn’t spoken about is concerning. I hadn’t read this when I posted and I hope I have not upset you further.

I am so very sorry for your loss motherduck, and for the losses of all others who have posted here.
My situation isn't the same as yours motherduck and for that I am truly grateful. I tended the graves of my parents and grandparents in a country churchyard and then had to move away. It distressed me more than I can explain how difficult it was for me to leave the graves. Before I moved, however, I found a grave maintenance company which would (at a cost obviously) put fresh flowers on the graves each month including special days such as birthdays etc and also also cut the grass and do seasonal planting, spring and autumn. They email me a photo each month showing what they have done. It isn't the same as doing it myself but I know the graves re tended, unlike so many. Close to my parents' grave there is the grave of a young mother on which a lovely and obviously expensive headstone was erected but after a few months it was obvious that nobody visited. I expect her husband and children moved on but the neglect saddens me.

If you want to have your daughter's ashes exhumed I entirely understand and I would ask her husband about it as technically the ashes belong to him. He may be relieved. You would need a licence to do this and it will cost you to do it - if your son in law is in agreement, ask an undertaker for their assistance.

I hope you reach an acceptable conclusion to this very difficult situation.

SIL has removed all photos of my daughter and she isn’t spoken about (we walk on eggshells) Everyone grieves differently BUT for the sake of his son I don’t get this at all and it would really get to me if I was in your shoes

I don’t buy it that the the young move on with life quickly he sounds as if he’s just wiped it all out and that’s unfair to the baby, his wife’s memory and to her family If your daughter was alive and knew all this I bet she would want to come ‘home’ to you …so yes walk on those eggshells but see if he would like you to take her ashes home ( to help him move on of course) although it was your daughters wish to be near him
to help him come to terms with losing her it doesn’t sound as if she was needed in that role
I think this is heartbreaking and I truely feel for you
Good luck

How tragic to have lost your daughter at such a young age, for your SiL to lose his wife and for your grandson to have lost his mother.
It can be very difficult and distressing to visit a loved one’s grave. Even though he doesn’t go to the cemetery, every time your SiL looks at your grandson he’ll think of his wife and the life they would have had had she not died, the mother his son would have had.
The fact that her plot is barren and that your SiL doesn’t leave flowers as often as you would like to does not reflect the degree of how much he loves her or misses her or that he has moved on without her in his heart. “Her grave neglected” is not necessarily an indication of neglect in his mind.
We all think of graves differently. My DH’s aunt weekly takes flowers to her DH’s grave; my aunt monthly visited my parents’ grave whilst I visit in the summer and at Christmas; my DH prefers not to visit his parents’s grave. Whilst we differ in our stances, we equally cherish our memories and grieve for those we have lost. I hope I have explained this sensitively.
I can understand your daughter’s wishes, your SiL’s thoughts and your concern. It’s a complex matter Motherduck.
Though this is upsetting for you, speak to your SIL focusing on your desire to tend her grave and the importance you attach to this. Doing her flowers gives you comfort; he has told you he finds this difficult. This may well be the conversation he has been hoping to have with you. Allow your SiL to guide you in finding a solution. It may not be as difficult as you imagine.
Already you have together faced the talk about a new partner which I recall was enormously painful for both my dad and for me. Your acceptance will mean a lot to him and show him how much you care. He must value you very highly and will understand how you feel.

I am so sorry that you lost your daughter - it must be unbearably painful.

A grave has different meanings for different people. My OH has a beautiful grave, under the yew tree in a lovely country churchyard, with a gravestone that was designed by us all and felt just right. But, even though it is just down the lane, I do not go there, for lots of reasons. Firstly I find it distressing and secondly I do not find it a helpful thing to do in my grieving. So I do not find it hard to understand that your DD's partner might not be the sort of person for whom a grave is where they best remember their loved one. I do not know why I feel as I do, but my family accept that this is how it is for me, and they are able to do this without judging me in any way. We all deal with grief in our own way.

I guess that the fact that your DD's partner has found someone new and is making a new life for himself must make your feelings about the grave more acute. It must be hard for you to have to see him moving on, when you understandably cannot. But he is just a young man and that is what the young do - they seize life and make it theirs. But for you, your DD was your own child and you nurtured her and were with her for 28 years, so it must feel very different.

It is important that you carried out your DD's wishes exactly, even though that must have been hard for you as it is a distance from you, so you are to be commended for that. It was what she wished.

My wishes, on my death, were that I should be buried with my OH, but I have changed my mind and have asked that I be cremated and the ashes scattered on his grave - my deep feeling is that I do not want him disturbed.

I do not know what your relationship was with your DD's partner, but I do think it is possible that, if you ask him if you can move the ashes, he might feel that there is an implied criticism of him and how he is dealing with his feelings, and with the grave.

I do think it is a good plan to plant something there that will grow and live without needing tending - bulbs, heathers maybe. That way you will know that the grave will always look beautiful, even though you cannot be there to tend it yourself. Then maybe you could make your own memorial to her in your garden or your locality and make that the place you remember her with love and respect. What is in the grave is simply her physical remains and the real person is in your heart, in all your memories and shared moments - none of that can be taken away from you, however far away her remains are buried.

That might be a good way of giving you a focus for your memories and love, whilst at the same time respecting her wishes. I do understand that a bit of you must feel that the motive behind her wishes (to be near her partner) is slightly changed by the fact that he is starting to move on, but those were her feelings at the end of her life and I think that it would be good if you could find a way to reconcile yourself to this. When she died she was a young woman and she knew what she wanted at that moment, and that is what matters.

I hope very much that you will find some peace.

People react to grief very differently don't they.

My husband has been gone for six years next month, and neither of my young adult kids, who loved him very much, have been to visit since the interrment of ashes. Both of them helped me with the wording and design of the stone, and my son did come to help on the day it was installed, eighteen months later. I've asked a few times if they have visited the grave and they told me they keep their Dad in their minds and hearts and don't want to visit the grave.

My sincere condolences for your loss Motherduck.

I think the suggestions to plant bulbs and a small shrub are a good idea, then you'll know that when you can't visit, there will be flowers at different times of the year.

Perhaps if your dear daughter hadn't requested her ashes to be interned, he'd have chosen a meaningful place to scatter them if he knew he'd find visiting her grave too painful.

Her wishes have been carried out as she requested and IMO it would be going against what she wanted, if they were to be moved.

My SIL lost his mum when he was quite young and then his father relatively young. He’s never visited their graves. When his first child was born I tried to find the grave to leave a flower and tell them the had a grandchild, but I couldn’t find the grave. I left the flower by a tree. What I’m trying to say is that my SIL has never really got over losing his parents because he loved them so much and that’s why he can’t cope with visiting their grave. When I was little we used to visit the family grave on a regular basis so it’s second nature to me find comfort from visiting and tending a grave. My in laws ashes were buried in a churchyard local to me but I’ve always felt they should have been in the city where they lived their lives: it was a decision made in haste by my ex husband at the time. He had wanted to scatter the ashes and it was me that insisted on a proper funeral and burial. I’m so sorry for anyone that has lost a child or indeed anyone they love so much. What seems the right thing to do at the time might not seem the right thing to do months or years later.

I couldn't rest if it was me.
I haven't done anything with my daughters ashes; they are here with me, though, rather than in some forgotten plot.

Grief counselling wouldn't have changed how that would have made me feel.

Motherduck I am glad that you are having grief counselling. I know that it can help with dealing with the many aspects of grief and I hope that it is doing that for you.

I didn't think that Hithere meant anything unkind by her suggestion re grief counselling, just that it might help with finding a way forward, including in relation to the concerns you have expressed on this thread.

I think planting bulbs and flowering shrubs might be a way forward for you so that there is less weekly care needed for your daughter's grave, it will look pretty and cared for. Hopefully your SIL will feel comfortable with this too.

I hope that you find a way through this that works for all of you.

i can understand your sil feelings about not wanting to go there, i was widowed at 39, my husbands ashes were scattered in the garden at the crematorium, there was no point in a grave or plot as he was not there, he is still with me in my heart and in my son, the photos around the house, silly little things that he gave me. he will have been gone 19 years this november. your daughter may have wanted to be near for the sake of her husband and her son, your sil needs time before he can visit and later he can take his son. put one of her photos near you and buy flowers, you can talk to her and i bet she would be so upset at you making the long journey and getting yourself so upset. she is not at that plot, she is in your heart with all the happy memories. i met someone a year after my husband died, for the last 18 years he was my companion and partner, his daughters bought a plot but i did not go, i did not need to, he is here with me, the same as your dear daughter is. please look after yourself.

Oh mother duck I send you a big hug and want to say I do understand how you feel and why. I would want to try to talk to your sil about it. Some people don’t want to go to visit graves but others do. You have had a terrible loss, the very worst any of us can imagine.
It’s my mums birthday tomorrow and I will go to bring flowers and say hello to her as I do fairly regularly. My friend loved her mum too but has never visited her grave.
We are all different and you want to be near your girl and I fully understand that. Its no time at all since she died so tragically. I am so very sorry. X

Oh this is so very sad! So sorry for your loss motherduck! It would break me too if I knew nothing was on the grave, my heart goes out to you, I’d ask him about the ashes! I wish you well

I would ask.
Offer to use some ashes to have a ring made for him.
The worst that can happen is that he will say no.

M0nica

I have not read all this thread, but, as far as looking after the grave and haaving plants (rather than flowers, which die quickly), you can get an undertaker to maintain the grave, although you will need to pay for this.

My parents ashes and my sisters are buried a long way from where I and my surviving sister live and we pay the undertaker to keep the grave clean and tended.

You must also realise that not everybody wants to visit the grave of a loved one after their death, some people cannot bear even the thought of doing such a thing, it brings the death of their loved one constantly to their mind and they would rather remembeer them alive, through photos and memorabilia at home.

Surely the best way to remember your daughter, is not by grave visiting, except on birthdays, Christmas etc, but by making your daughter live for your dear grandson who will have no memories of his mother except what his father may say - and you are the only one with those memories of when mummy was a child that fascinate most children. So concentrate your enegries on seeing your grandson regularly, seeing your daughter in him and helping him cope with the inexplicable (to him) dissapearance of his mother.

Thank you MOnica, SIL has removed all photos of my daughter and she isn’t spoken about (we walk on eggshells)
I do realise not everyone visits a grave and everyone grieves differently.
I could not ever contemplate visiting my daughters grave only 2 or 3 times a year, she is my daughter and she turned down treatment and the stronger pain relief so that her baby could live, he was delivered at 26 weeks. He hasn’t had a bond with her as he was a baby and she was too poorly. So much has happened in such a short space of time and we are all upside down. One constant is that I will want to visit her grave for as long as I live

I have very recently, just 4 weeks ago, and I am having her ashes buried two hours away from me. I have arranged for a rose bush to be planted on the plot and I only intend to visit on beer birthday and Christmas. I don’t feel the need to constantly go and visit to remember or respect her. Your daughter has her ashes where she wanted and I really don’t think you should move them. Plant a rose bush and some lovely wild flowers and look back at the memories you have of her

I am so sorry that you have lost your daughter and all the horrible feelings that go with bereavement. It took me 3 years to be able to look at a photo of my husband after he died so I can understand why your son in law cannot attend her resting place. She lives on in her son and perhaps to him that is the daily reminder of his love. He doesn’t need to go to her grave to remember her and their love.
Might I also respectfully suggest that your overwhelming concern and distress about her grave is a subconscious way of dealing with her death. When my husband died I replaced grief with an intense desire to move house. I obsessed over every little detail of doing my house up and selling and moving on. When I moved and stopped obsessing I had a mini breakdown and had to deal with my emotions. Have you done the same do you think? Putting something in front of the grief? Please take care of yourself. Wishing you a way through bereavement.

I imagine having to pay someone to tend your child's grave..
It's what a mum would naturally want to do for her baby - an act of love.

Motherduck, I have the greatest sympathy for your loss.
I agree with the suggestions to plant bulbs in the burial place which will look lovely and not need tending, especially if you can find some to cover more than one season.

I think I am right in saying that it is not just your SiL’s permission that would be needed to re- inter the ashes, the council or church authorities would need to be involved and I am not sure whether their regulations would permit it.

Have you thought about making a special area in your garden where you can remember your daughter, perhaps with a tree, or a shrub as that will not entail too much work in the future?you can go there as often as you wish, and won’t need permission.
Try not to hold this against your SiL. His life is difficult too, and you want to be able to see your little grandchild as he grows up.