am a 66 year old single woman. I have 1 married son and 2 grandchildren.
I am writing this to try and understand why my daughter in law (DIL) is bitterly angry with me regarding the passing of her father.
I want to make this as brief as possible but it is a very sad and convoluted story…
I went to see father of my DIL who has been battling cancer after a bone marrow transplant.
I have 35 years of medical experience and upon seeing his condition I knew he needed to be in the hospital. I told his wife what I thought and also called my DIL to suggest admitting him, as I felt he was very sick.
5 days later he falls at home and both his wife and DIL are able to lift him up and drive to the hospital.
Once there, he was immediately admitted into ICU. His confirmed diagnosis was Sepsis.
From that point on, his condition deteriorated. He was intubated, given several antibiotics was in Septic Shock and finally passed away 19 days later.
This man was a wonderful human being and good friend to me.
4 days prior to his death, his family decided to have him extubated and placed in Comfort Care where he would die comfortably.
On this day the family said their goodbyes, fully expecting him to pass away within hours.
Because they all assumed that he would pass away quickly, my son and DIL told their children 6&8 years old that their grandfather had passed away.
The family was awaiting a call from from the hospital telling them he had passed. No call came. He was still alive and breathing on his own.
The prior evening I talked to my son who was tearful and told me they had said their goodbyes.
I was grieving as well and called the following day to see if I could join them as I wanted to see my son and comfort him. I was told no. My DIL and her mother were not wanting any visitors.
I had made plans to go and see this man on that Thursday. I work Monday thru Wednesday and Thursday was my first opportunity to do so.
I called the hospital to confirm that he was allowed visitors and was told yes.
I was relieved he was still alive as I needed to see him to say my goodbyes to help with my grieving and to gain closure.
While in his room a nurse came in and told me they were moving him out of ICU.
Thinking I was being helpful, I texted my son and let him know.
The following is the text I received. I have omitted titled all names with * symbol
“I am utterly shocked. I am asking that you never, ever tell ***that you visited him today. *** and * explicitly planned to be the last ones to be with him. *** is now not only painfully grieving, but now extremely angry. I am asking that you please do not contact either of them, and please leave now. **** already called the hospital and is taking ****back now. Again, * is not aware that anyone visited today and *** and I are asking that it must remain that way.”
I received 2 more texts asking for confirmation that I had left the hospital and ordering me to not contact them as they needed time and space due to the difficult position I put them in.
I was in total shock…
This angry text from my son is when I learned of his wife and mother in law’s “plan” to be the last ones to be with him.
I left the hospital sobbing. I was so confused.
By the time I got home, my confusion had turned to anger. Number one I was shocked to receive such a hateful text from my son and number 2 had no reasonable reason why…
I honored his order of not contacting him but not because he ordered me to but because if I had spoken to him I would have cut him to shreds with my tongue and knew that doing so would only compound the stress he was under.
My DIL’s father lived 4 more days.
I waited 2 weeks to contact my son and asked him to make arrangements to come and talk to me. He came yesterday and I finally had the answers I was looking for…
He told me that he and my DIL think that I overstepped my bounds and deliberately “ inserted” myself in the dying process and grief of her father…
He then told me that my DIL accused me of being selfish, self absorbed and was only thinking about myself…
I told my son that I only agreed with her 3rd accusation because , yes, I did go to see him because I needed to see him to say my goodbyes ease my grieving heart and to have closure. I then asked my son if he believed that wrongly inserted myself in their situation and he said yes. I asked him if be believes that I am selfish and self absorbed and he said no.
He told me that I should have called him and inform him of my plan to see his FIL. At this point I knew exactly what they wanted from me. I again told him I didn’t understand( even though I did) and decided that he was going to have to look me in the eye and tell me exactly why… he told me that I should have “asked” them if I could visit him. I asked him if they actually believed that I needed their permission to see him and he said yes…
I told him that I do not need anyone’s permission to do anything, including this. I told him that my visit with his FIL was between he and I only.
My son told me that he and my DIL assumed I had enough common sense to realize that when he told me over the phone that they said their goodbyes I was to understand that they were to be the last ones to see him…
I was dumbfounded and asked my son to explain to me just how I was to figure that out after only being told they had said their goodbyes…
He immediately admitted that it was wrong of him to assume I would figure it out.
I told him that his wife and MIL should have planned their “plan” a little more thoughtfully and made sure that anyone who wanted to say goodbye would not be able to. A sign on his door stating the family wanted no visitors…informing the hospital phone operators that for anyone who called was to be told that he was not taking visitors. I did call the hospital to make sure he was allowed visitors and I was told yes.
My son responded with this”. With all the stress they were under how can you possibly think that they would even think of doing that”
I told him that if their “plan” was that important to them, they should have thought it thru and took the proper steps to insure the plan remained uninterrupted.
My son then tells me that his wife and her mother decided ahead of time who they would or would not allow to see their dad and husband..
I told him that obviously I was one of the not allowed persons. He immediately regretted what came out of his mouth…
I laughed a little and told him that after learning this I am even happier that I went to see him and that I will NEVER regret my decision.
I was told that his wife does not want me to come to there house as her anger toward me is palatable. I told him I was just fine with that as I had no desire at all to see her but that I wanted and needed to see my grandchildren an he agreed to bring them to me.
I told my son to make sure his wife understands that I will NEVER compromise who I am and what my beliefs are to make her feel better. I told him the burden is on her to contact me.
I told him this will remain a situation where she and I will have to agree to disagree. I told him I have moved on and that If she wants to live in anger she owns the problem, not me.
I asked him if his wife is actively trying to ban me from their lives and he said no. That she told him she wants me in their lives and wants me to be a grandmother to their kids….
Not too sure I believe her though…
My son told me it is very hard being in the “ middle”. I went to him and hugged him and told him I loved him and he broke down and cried.
I posted this looking for answers as I truly believe I was within my rights whereas my DIL believes I was not…
Some theories include:
The man made his wishes known to them before hand.
Like VS said, kids are returning back to school today and they wanted to have time to comfort them.
They did not expect him to live another 4 days but did not want to drag out the uncertainty with the children?
I believe there is much more to this story that would make it all more clear if we had the other side of it.
Well I am with the OP here ,
Visiting a dying friend is not easy , and OP made the effort
I can’t understand the Wife and Daughter leaving the poor man to die alone is horrible
Not visiting for 4 days is beyond my comprehension
When my parent was known to be unable to recover I stayed there at the hospital for 3 days. No shower no food. I told the ward staff that the only visitors were to be me and two other specified individuals, my ADC. Two of us were sitting with my parent when nursing staff gave out my parent's new location. This person tried to enter the room but we held the door shut. Even specifying to hospital staff who were the permitted visitors does not mean that they will stick to those instructions. I was AC, Carer, NoK and Power of Attorney.
I would have been absolutely furious if my parent had been force visited by anyone who was not specified. My parent was unconscious so I had the legal right to state the wishes I know my parent would have had if conscious.
I was furious with that person with that person even though the visit was blocked by ADC and me.
I would not have liked what OP did being done to any of my family. NoK has the power to decide who is allowed to visit an unconscious person, Power of Attorney makes that legally enforceable.
You really did overstep the mark as regards visiting the dying man.
You are in danger of losing contact with the DGC. You might like to see the DGC and enjoy their visits a lot but demanding like that is asking for trouble
You are lucky that the DIL and her Mother have not banned you from their worlds and that of the DGC.
Being able to rip a person, relative or not, to bits with your tongue is not something to be proud of.
I think you need to stop being so bossy and consider the feelings of other people before acting
I find it strange though that the dying man's wife, daughter and possibly son in law were not in attendance with him until the end. Nothing would have got me away from my dying parents and other relatives
I've even been given my own room so I don't have to leave the hospital. When I was sleeping or showering, another member of the family took my place.
icanhandthemback
I have never known that happen in a hospital. A chair is the best available, which might be padded if you're lucky.
Was that in a hospice or private hospital?
So, ‘don’t tell * you’ve visited, but then * was not only grieving, but extremely angry’
‘The prior evening’?
‘ Her anger was palatable’?
Why phone the hospital to ask if he was allowed visitors rather than phone her son to ask how the gentleman was, and if he was allowed visitors? Surely if they were so close that her ‘grieving heart’ needed easing, his family would have understood?
A strange tale.
Iam64
It really is an extraordinary post, as summarised by LondonMzFitz.
Initially my thought was what an angry, self righteous woman this is. The idea she would visit a dying man without communicating with his wife/daughter is hard to believe. Saying she had to do so to help her ‘grieve and have closure ‘ sounds like something out of one if those not very good US psychology mags
I’m joining the cynics here who think the
OP is a budding author
I agree Iam.
If not, I rather think MiL and DiL deserve one another. Maybe the son married her DiL because they are much more like than she likes to think.
Her anger was palatable
I would think that is meant to be palpable
A strange tale
Extremely. I can discern no thought for how the relatives, the next-of-kin might be feeling at this sad time.
It would be interesting to hear their side of the story.
Humble pie it is out of respect to the family. Even though you didn’t know when traumered we can all make mistakes get it wrong
Apologies and wait for calm and clearer thinking
A woman visited my husband when he was really poorly and I felt quite angry she didn’t check with me first
Think its a scam thread
Callistemon21
^I've even been given my own room so I don't have to leave the hospital. When I was sleeping or showering, another member of the family took my place^.
icanhandthemback
I have never known that happen in a hospital. A chair is the best available, which might be padded if you're lucky.
Was that in a hospice or private hospital?
It was St Richard's Hospital in Chichester which is NHS. They were absolutely fantastic and I couldn't have asked for more at the most difficult time. They were equally accommodating when my children were ill where I was always given a put-u-up if the children were in overnight.
When my dad passed away I had cousins try to steamroller over his funeral with some petty family feud between a nephew & his daughter. I put very firm boundaries in place there and then. Subsequently I was so angry with them, that I can't be bothered with them now. Death is such a personal and sacred area to the next of kin, that anyone apart from immediate family should back off till told what the close family's wishes are.
icanhandthemback
Callistemon21
I've even been given my own room so I don't have to leave the hospital. When I was sleeping or showering, another member of the family took my place.
icanhandthemback
I have never known that happen in a hospital. A chair is the best available, which might be padded if you're lucky.
Was that in a hospice or private hospital?It was St Richard's Hospital in Chichester which is NHS. They were absolutely fantastic and I couldn't have asked for more at the most difficult time. They were equally accommodating when my children were ill where I was always given a put-u-up if the children were in overnight.
I had the same experience 22 years ago when my mother was dying in Homerton Hospital in East London.
I didn't leave the hospital for the week she was there, and was given a room just down the corridor from ICU. They were wonderful.
You DILs father was dying and you admit you only thought Of yourself.
Do some introspection and try to figure out why you felt your wants were more important than her needs.
You are on the outer circle of grief. She’s on the inside
You should apologise if you ever want a relationship with their family again.
Otherwise, get used to being alone
icanhandthemback
Callistemon21
I've even been given my own room so I don't have to leave the hospital. When I was sleeping or showering, another member of the family took my place.
icanhandthemback
I have never known that happen in a hospital. A chair is the best available, which might be padded if you're lucky.
Was that in a hospice or private hospital?It was St Richard's Hospital in Chichester which is NHS. They were absolutely fantastic and I couldn't have asked for more at the most difficult time. They were equally accommodating when my children were ill where I was always given a put-u-up if the children were in overnight.
Excellent; we don't have the same here!
CanadianGran
I feel for you. You went to sit with a dying man who was a friend, and it is being held against you. I don't understand their point of view of wanting to be the last ones to visit him. If so, they should have been sitting by his bedside until he passed away.
Even though your son said they had said their goodbyes, he didn't imply that they wouldn't be back, or that anyone else shouldn't see him.
Hopefully in time they will calm down and thank you for spending time with him.
Total agreement with you. My Father died of cancer at UCH London. My mother and siblings spent a week by his bedside. The hospital gave us a visitor's room for our sole use so that we could get a bit of sleep. He lived for a week. The notes on the end of his bed said "Family TLC" which I thought was lovely.
My mother had alzheimers but died of pneumonia. She could have gone to hospital but the doctor said that all they would do was intubate? her. The home was quite content to keep her there and my sister and I stayed in the home for a week. We sat next to my mum and sometimes lay beside her. We talked to her and to each other about the past. We hoped that she knew there was someone with her.
In both cases, although they were expected to die fairly quickly, the life force was very strong and they died slowly.
Given my experiences I don't understand why his wife and daughter weren't with him.
I must say I don't understand the response of some people on here, especially those who are opposed to the OP. Having been with both parents when they lay dying in hospital and seen the wrecks of their two bodies I would not wish to visit friends in their last days. Both parents died about 40 years ago and the image of them in their last few days are still with me. I have to work hard to picture them when they were healthy.
My mother always said that she didn't want anyone to watch her die. I think it's a very personal thing. She'd been with her mother at the end and it had caused her great upset as she'd not gone peacefully.
As for the children in the OP. A very good friend of mine died tragically young . She was 36. Ovarian cancer. She had young children. Toward the end she was in a hospice but she was extremely unstable and they were struggling with pain management. My friend's husband told the children she had died a week before she had. He just couldn't cope with them seeing her in that state. I understood this.
It’s very personal isn’t it?
I think the inner circle get to make the choices.
The rest of us get to live with them.
Everyone has their reasons for the decisions they make and we do not know what conversation may have happened between a very ill man and his family, what his wishes were, before he was perhaps unable to communicate.
We only know one side from someone who seems to lack any understanding of the feelings of the next-of-kin.
Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.
I am writing this to try and understand why my daughter in law (DIL) is bitterly angry with me regarding the passing of her father
I'm sure Mal2 will be back to thank us for our help in understanding why her DIL might be rather upset with her.
Callistemon21
^I've even been given my own room so I don't have to leave the hospital. When I was sleeping or showering, another member of the family took my place^.
icanhandthemback
I have never known that happen in a hospital. A chair is the best available, which might be padded if you're lucky.
Was that in a hospice or private hospital?
I spent three weeks in my dying husband's hospital room. A bed was put into the room specially for me. I also had access to the Staff room to use the facilities, ie kettle, microwave.
My husband was transferred to the hospice at the end, where I was provided with my own room.
I take interest with the person who asked what the relationship was like before this incident…. Very insightful of you…
My original post was only about this current incident because although I could have prefaced, it, I wanted it to be neutral.
First and foremost…I am fully aware that my DIL is grieving. I am fully aware that her thought processes may be clouded.
For all to know, I made a beautiful hand painted card for my DIL and mailed it to her. 10 days ago. I apologized to her for upsetting her so and I wished a peaceful time to grieve her father’s death.
I feel that I did what was right in regard to following up with her regarding her father. I had no problem apologizing to her because yes, I do know that she is grieving.
My apology was genuine, but that does not mean I believe what I did was wrong.
My daughter in law and myself have a “cordial” but guarded relationship.
My DIL has scrutinized me since she met me. A few examples”
My lipstick is too bright
I don’t know how to apply blush
I cough too loudly
I sneeze to many times
I don’t grocery shop the correct way
I buy clothing from bad stores
I choose the wrong hair color kits
And on and on….
My DIL and her mother have a very dysfunctional relationship. My opinion only.
She enables her mother terribly and is always in protective mode.
Her mother is for lack of a better word…helpless. This is not entirely her fault.
The main issue here is that no matter what I do, I make her mother either look or feel inadequate in my DIL’s eyes, and as a result of that, my DIL resents me.
I definitely have a Type A perfectionistic personality. But, at least I know that about myself…
I am highly skilled in many areas:
Business owner
Entrepreneur
Professional cake decorator
Professional floral designer
Certified Interior Designer
Jewelry designer
Notecard creations
paints on canvas with acrylics
Excellent cook
And other skills
I have always been proud of my skill sets and looked at them as gifts.
My entire family is like me so I always thought we were the norm.
Then I meet my DIL and her family. She is an only child and so is my son.
In the years my son has been married I have determined that because my DIL is unhealthily protective of her mother,she really does not want anyone to “intrude” the family… that being her, my son, their kids and her parents.
I have no choice but to accept this dysfunctional mindset because she is my son’s wife…
2 examples of many: we were all together one Halloween and DIL hands me her phone and tells me to take a picture of the “family”.
I was hurt but remained silent.
I have purposely been excluded from family gatherings including my son’s Birthday. I called to see if I could come over to wish him a Happy Birthday and was told “ that it was a “family”gathering only.
Her mother has said some very cruel things to me over the years but I cannot play into them because the intent is to hurt me. I have learned that silence is a powerful response…
1. she told me that when the grandchildren came along she was going to be the “favorite grandmother”.
2. She told me she hates coming to my home because all the roads to get to my home are ugly… Yes, this is actually what she said.
3. She demanded that I choose a name for the grandchildren to call me and when I told her I preferred to wait to see what they ended up calling me, she became indignant and told me “I just didn’t understand”
4. She said to me “ I cannot believe how successful your life is… for being as “Uneducated” as you are… I do not have a college degree.
She, I believe has poor self esteem. But I am no therapist…
During the father’s illness, I made several meals and took to them. I called to check in on him at least 3 times a week. I gave them all the medical equipment I had after dual knee replacements and Spinal Fusion surgery
I wanted to do these things because I really loved her father( only as a good friend).
Regarding my assessment of the father and suggesting he go to the hospital, I certainly did not demand he go, I simply told her that he was very ill and she should consider it…
My son told me that his wife feels guilty because she did not take my advice and take him to the hospital because she now believes that if she had, he may be alive… my son then told me I was never, ever to bring that up to her which of course I would never do. But I think she holds it against me because she doesn’t give me much credit either because I am uneducated and… what did I know about sick people?
Believe me, I have a very deep ridge in my tongue from biting it.
Regarding the current situation, I can see why so many of you deem me a horrible person.
Even with all they have said and done to me, I have tried to remain cordial throughout the years.
Since I am majorly excluded from their lives, I make decisions for myself when it comes to them.
I must add that my son and DIL do not like me calling them and have been told that they won’t answer because “their” generation uses texting…
In my mind texting is using a phone so I rarely do that either because they rarely respond to my texts.
My DIL took her mother back to the hospital after I spoiled their plan, which by the way, was the term my son used, so she would be the last voice he heard.
They did not return to the hospital after that and her father passed away alone.
It breaks my heart knowing this.
I have done all I can regarding my DIL.
That is why I have moved on.
Regarding the angry text from my son and my response that I would have cut him to shreds with my tongue… well, the apple did not fall far from the tree…
So maybe this will shine some light on how a simple visit to a great man turned me into a villain of epic proportions.
I do appreciate all the comments because it does make one step back and reassess who they are and how others perceive them.
I can only say I wish I would have known of their plan as I would have most certainly honored it.
Words fail, they truly do.
So you have 35 years of medical experience but not secondary education? On top of all the other things you are expert at?
Please do continue.... very entertaining and very fake
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